Just this really.
My DH has been in quite a depressive state, on and off, for the past 18 months. In truth his mood is always quite low. He has very low self esteem which causes him to lash out at me a lot. This has been the story of our 3 year marriage.
When his depression was at its worst I tried to get him to go to the Dr's. He did eventually and was prescribed an anti depressant that he took for 2 weeks before stopping. He has very recently started counselling which was me again pleading with him to do it. Mostly as he clearly isn't a happy person and because this in turn means he talks to me very nastily sometimes. I said I wasn't happy continuing our relationship unless things changed.
He is thinking of quitting counselling now, 5 weeks in as he doesn't see it will help. He is now in a suicidal state again (he never really tells the GP or anyone how bad he feels) and he asks me questions about what I will do when he is no longer here. He gets into bad moods and when I ask him if he will stay in as him going out, late at night, in his head space worries me, he attacks me. He says I'm not supportive. I honestly try my best but at this point I don't know what to say or do. Last year I also let his parents know what the real situation was as I knew he was lying to them about taking his antidepressants. And he acts like he's totally fine and happy with everyone else.
I felt they should know as I thought it might help. And frankly I felt very isolated and scared it would blindside them if something happened.
My own feelings are that I find suicidal talk very upsetting as I spent my childhood with a mentally ill mother who would threaten suicide. I then went on to have two boyfriends who said they'd kill themselves if I left. My dad also after splitting with his longterm partner had to be talked down from suicide. My DH never revealed he had spent most of his adult life having depressive moods and suicidal idealisation until we were married. He always came across quite steady which was what I liked about him.
I dont think my DH is the same as my exes, but it does feel like he expects me to manage him. We talk and try to figure stuff out but he's very closed off to ideas and frankly I'm not equipped to deal with him. . He won't seek help, he is getting nasty with me telling me to go fuck myself the other night.
I don't want to be around a suicidal person. I grew up and cultivated and healthy life for myself. I've always been very optimistic, happy and easy going. But now I feel like I'm a kid again, stuck worrying about if and when someone I love will come home.
He is fully aware of his mental health, and also my past and its implications in the current situation.. I went to counselling last year and spent a lot of it trying to figure out how to be less triggered by him so I could be more helpful and supportive.
He is very familiar with MH due to his past work yet can't seem to see he is really unwell. Then I wonder (through knowing him) if it is more about attention, an excuse to snap at me and be derogatory and a complete inability to see the good in anything. I know it sounds awful but sometimes I think is he suicidal or just a horrible person (I absolutely don't think this holds true of genuinely suicidal people just to say) . I know it is not everything, but we have a good, very fortunate quality of life. But no matter what happens his glass is empty.
I get its very hard to say as depression can look like this too... But I also don't feel it is okay for him to attack me because he's feeling low.
I guess... What would you do? Has anyone been in this place? Feeling very alone with this right now.