Worried about telling parents I'm pregnant

[Rookiemama1]

I was brought up in a very co-dependent household as a child. I regularly attend therapy and my original family have serious attachment issues. I love my mum to absolute bits but she is exceptionally overprotective and just wants our lives to be perfect...well to look perfect anyway. I (26) nor my brothers and sisters have ever done anything really to give her cause for concern. Me in particular, I've never really went out, never drank and or caused trouble, have a great stable high earning job and recently bought a house with my partner and having suffered a miscarriage a few months ago we are now 8 weeks in with this pregnancy and couldn't be happier.

Expect for the fact that I am dreading telling my parents that I'm pregnant.

My parents are quite conservative and believe you should only have children when you're married....we are engaged and getting married anyway in 2024 which was set before I even knew I was pregnant. When I miscarried my mum's initial reaction was 'how did you let yourself get in that situation' before lecturing me on my morals and values and how she was disappointed. It really wasn't what I needed, I needed my mum to hug me and support me. Meanwhile my dad rang my partner and was verbally abusive down the phone to him literally the day after we miscarried for getting me pregnant in the first place.

I am planning to tell them about this pregnancy soon and I could be sick with worry every time I think about it. I know I'm 26, I know that a lot of people will say don't worry about your parents etc, it's your life but it feels like the most awful position I've ever been in and I have no idea what to do or how to tell them or how to cope with another backlash especially when I feel so elated that I'm pregnant. Any advice welcome.

Congratulations on your pregnancy op!

To be honest, If they were that vile after you lost your baby, I wouldn't tell them. I wouldn't speak to them at all.

How awful for you and your partner having that abuse.

Yes I don't think I'd be bothering with them much when they've treated both of you so poorly when you miscarried.

If you don't want the backlash maybe send a text to your mum and dad telling them that you are pregnant and that you are both really happy about it and unless they can also be happy for you and not expose you to any negative comments then you won't be seeing them. Set out your stall and your boundaries right at the start.

I also think that it sounds much more that they are worried about what other people think rather than your feelings and that is not a good thing.

Why not leave it and let them work it out for themselves?

It doesn't sound like your mum will be very supportive so I can't see what you lose by not telling her.

Congratulations! I wouldn't tell them either. I would probably avoid speaking to them about most things.

Wait to tell them later on. We’re in 2022 not 1922

let them figure it out on their own and act all surprised

Yeah agreed, I don’t think they need to know anything right now, enjoy your baby bubble and perhaps when you reach the 12 week mark (or later) tell them then!

I’m not really sure what advice you are after. Your parents sound horrific - they are not good people - my honest advice would be to tell them and if they react in the horrific way you expect tell them to get stuffed and don’t speak to them again. You’ve got to think about you’re baby now to - I sure as hell wouldn’t want my child near people like your parents and their batshit attitudes.

Agreed about tell them later, and I'd also not tell them in person if you choose to tell them (rather than let them work it out).

I have very strongly religious parents and I informed them my boyfriend was moving in (NOT a good thing to them) on the phone. Pretty much went "I want to tell you something, I know you won't be happy about it but I want to tell you first that I'm very happy and you don't have to say anything in response right now. X is moving in."

Didn't expect a positive reaction, was aiming for neutral by saying she didn't have to react and preempting the response of "well it's living in sin and you'll get heartbroken and we're disappointed". It sort of took the wind out of her sails and she mumbled something about it not being what they wanted for me. I just reiterated I understood and I was very happy and ended the conversation (not meanly, just didn't come up with another topic).

They will have whatever reaction they'll have, all you can do is try to manage what situation you put yourself in to hear it, and potentially shut their reaction down as much as possible.

Their previous reaction was awful. I'm so sorry.

Also congrats and I hope it goes smoothly! I'm only a couple of years older than you and definitely get the difficulty of detaching from this sort of parenting in your 20s.

Congratulations OP

I wouldn't tell them yet anyway. Doesn't seem like they will be much support

Honestly, if they’d treated my partner and I like that after a miscarriage and hurled abuse down the phone, I’d have gone NC there and then.

Thats not being protective or wanting the best for you, it’s actively harming you and shows they place their ‘image’ of the perfect family above your best interests and happiness.

If you do want them in your life, I think setting some ground rules and a harsh dose of reality would be a good place to start.

Along the lines of:

• We are excited for our baby. You don’t have to like it, but you do need to accept this is happening and respect our decision. This is not open for discussion.

• You do not EVER speak to me, my partner or our child like that again.

• The cycle ends here and you will not push your damaging views on to my child if you want to be in their life.

Based on that, they can take it or leave it.

You don't have to listen to them harangue you about perceived poor choices. You can walk away. Endlessly discussing things with them will not make them think better of you. You are an adult and are now in a position to set some boundaries.

More broadly, i'd speak to a therapist about your disfunctional relationship with your family. You will be a parent soon and need to advocate for both yourself and your baby.

Congratulations to you on your pregnancy.

I would not tell them and I would not be wanting a relationship of any sort with them either now. They will just be lecturing you about your lack of morals and being disappointed all over again.
Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Would you want your parents to be at all involved in your child’s life anyway given that you are in therapy because of them?. I would hope not. I would seriously consider having no contact with them going forward

Do read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Congratulations , I would tell them and say if they have anything negative then you don't want to hear it , You and your partner are very happy and after miscarriage you were very upset and then further hurt by those close to you not being understanding, so therefore if they haven't anything nice to say, then use their manors and say nothing at all

** manners

Why don't you get legally married at the courthouse before baby arrives and then have the actual wedding party in 2024?

It would give you legal protection and peace of mind to your parents.

You parents should have been more sensitive/diplomatic when you miscarried.
However - they aren’t wrong about getting married/having babies.

In this country too many women suffer because of lack of legal recognition of domestic partnerships. No one expects it when relationships are good, then babies come, women careers suffer - in 99% of the time. And if relationships break down (and they do, at least 50% of the time) - women end up in a much worse position.
(Unless you are independently wealthy and it makes no difference)

So - forget about your mom and her reaction. Tell her whenever you feel like. Instead, think about the baby and give them legal protection of marriage. You can celebrate with a party later.

That is a horrendous reaction to you losing a pregnancy and I would have fully understood if you had decided to go NC at that point. I'm so sorry that happened to you and I'm so sorry that was how they chose to deal with it.

If you do decide you want to tell them, I'd consider how you do it- is it better with you both in person or is it better as a phone call or as a text so they can process it and might delay their reaction. I would probably remind them that it's been a difficult few months for you both and you are delighted to be expecting and you hope that they can respect your choices even if they are different to the choices they would have made themselves, as you would like them to be involved as grandparents (if this is what you want- it might not be.) If they start to have a negative reaction I would shut that down quickly by saying that you've both given this a lot of thought and see this as a blessing that's come into your lives and you won't tolerate any negative comments around it especially after the loss you suffered so recently. Tell them to take their own time to process it if they need to, but to do that privately and you can speak to them again when they are ready to be respectful. Then end the call/ stop reading texts or get up and go. If they approach you again being abusive or toxic, I'd repeat the same thing "I've already told you to process this privately in your own time and I won't be spoken to like that." End call. If you continue to put in strong boundaries they will have to make a decision to respect those boundaries or step away if they can't.

I would also make a point of then telling lots of people who will be over the moon for you and soak up every last bit of that joy because you deserve it! Congratulations and I hope it all goes really well for you and your wee family.

Because it’s 2022 and shotgun weddings aren’t necessary anymore.

why should she miss out on the wedding she wants just because her parents are stuck in the dark ages?

I wouldn’t rush to tell them or have much to do with them at all. Their reactions sound awful. Maybe mention after 20 weeks and be clear it’s a planned baby and you are both happy - no further discussion.
If you are planning to marry anyway personally I’d marry now but that’s your decision not something to do to appease your parents. CAB has decent guide marriage v cohabitation.

^^this 100000% there is no reason to run down the aisle to pander to your parents just because they are being extremely stubborn and critical. You do what you feel is right for you and your partner op. I'd also suggest that marrying someone because you're pregnant and want "legal protection" isn't going to make your partner feel great about himself. I'd rather marry someone freely because we both genuinely wanted to.

Because no one should get married to show their parents they aren't an immoral floozy

They’ve already agreed to marry though (engaged before pregnancy) so it’s it’s not same as ‘shotgun marriage’.
It’s of course your decision not your parents when to marry.

The thing is you want them to be happy for you as you strive to have their approval, you have lived your life being good so that you do not disappoint them, that is exhausting. Unfortunately no right minded parent would disapprove of a dc in a stable relationship with a job at 26 having a baby. You need to now accept that in order to be happy you need to step away from them and put boundaries in. Long term, low level disapproval is do damaging especially when how you are living does not deserve it. You need to protect you dc from this too. You must focus on you and your little family and be happy.

How does signing the legal documents now with zero fuss and then having the religious ceremony and reception as planned in 2024 "not having the wedding she wants"?

If you're at the point of buying a house with someone, having their baby and possibly financially relying on them while on maternity leave I just think the smart thing to do is get the legal protection of marriage first.

This isn't about pandering to her parents, it's about stability and protection. The parents approval would just be a bonus.

How many women do we see daily on the relationship boards who are royally fucked when their relationship dissolves because they weren't married?

However - they aren’t wrong about getting married/having babies, you agree that pregnancy out of wedlock shows poor morals and values @MMmomDD ?