Worried about telling parents I'm pregnant

[Rookiemama1]

I was brought up in a very co-dependent household as a child. I regularly attend therapy and my original family have serious attachment issues. I love my mum to absolute bits but she is exceptionally overprotective and just wants our lives to be perfect...well to look perfect anyway. I (26) nor my brothers and sisters have ever done anything really to give her cause for concern. Me in particular, I've never really went out, never drank and or caused trouble, have a great stable high earning job and recently bought a house with my partner and having suffered a miscarriage a few months ago we are now 8 weeks in with this pregnancy and couldn't be happier.

Expect for the fact that I am dreading telling my parents that I'm pregnant.

My parents are quite conservative and believe you should only have children when you're married....we are engaged and getting married anyway in 2024 which was set before I even knew I was pregnant. When I miscarried my mum's initial reaction was 'how did you let yourself get in that situation' before lecturing me on my morals and values and how she was disappointed. It really wasn't what I needed, I needed my mum to hug me and support me. Meanwhile my dad rang my partner and was verbally abusive down the phone to him literally the day after we miscarried for getting me pregnant in the first place.

I am planning to tell them about this pregnancy soon and I could be sick with worry every time I think about it. I know I'm 26, I know that a lot of people will say don't worry about your parents etc, it's your life but it feels like the most awful position I've ever been in and I have no idea what to do or how to tell them or how to cope with another backlash especially when I feel so elated that I'm pregnant. Any advice welcome.

@SleepingStandingUp

If you read more than 2 sentences of what I wrote - you would see that morals and kids out of wedlock aren’t issues i was commenting on.
Women being in vulnerable position as unmarried partners is my main point.

There are a lot of naive comments on here. About not having to marry to have a kid. Lots of romantic ones too - ‘he needs to marry you because he wants to, not because of pregnancy’…

This isn’t shotgun situation. They already decided to marry. Pregnancy changes things as baby needs and deserves legal protection and security. And so does OP.

I was in a similar position to you with a pretty awful mother. I waited as long as I could before telling her, she was not happy. She had a very passive aggressive manner and kept asking whose “fault” it was. This went on and on until I snapped and told ( yelled at) her my baby was not a fault and if she said that once more she’d never see us again. I was surprised that shut her up but it did.
All I can suggest is you shut them both down firmly as soon as they start. If they’re not happy for you their opinions aren’t worth listening to. Your DP and you need to be equally strong on this, do not take any shit from them.
And congratulations !!

Hey all!

so I told my parents and the reaction was ok just suppose it was as good as it could have been.

My mum had guessed anyway. She did say welcome to the real world in a pretty condescending way and when I jokingly said I’m going to put on weight she was like yes you will (previous struggles with weight here)

in fairness my dad stepped in and offered a little reassurance about baby weight not being the same as gaining weight

no congratulations or anything but no one went mad, there was no shouting or tears just very awkward and you could see my mum was really suppressing her feelings but it was ok.

My partner thinks it’s genuinely sad for me that this is the best reaction I could’ve asked for but I’m just relieved to be honest!!

Wait a bit longer to tell them. This should be a special time for you and your partner. Don't let anyone ruin it for you. And when you do tell them, don't engage in a conversation about it. It sounds like they have old-fashioned views that are not going to change any time soon, possibly never, so I wouldn't get caught up in it.

If I were you, I probably wouldn't tell them at all given the way they reacted to the miscarriage. However, I appreciate that everyone has different family dynamics.

absolutely agree. It's important you have this protection for you and your baby.

There are enough posts on here about men who have abandoned their partners at some point during pregnancy. Are you sure your parents weren't worried about this scenario?

At least it’s done now. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. I’d put you and baby first and minimise contact. I know you are looking for reassurance but I wouldn’t say anything that she can turn negative eg if you say you are tired she’ll say what did you expect. Or you say how expensive prams/nappies are she’ll make a negative comment. I’d just say very little. It’s sad but you have your fiancé and hopefully his parents are more supportive.

Congratulations. I know you have probably tried but pointing out their morals and values are not the same as yours and could they say congratulations might have been nice. I found myself changing once having children to wanting to bring them up differently to myself. Also less patience for my parents opinions on how I should be doing things. Hopefully once the baby arrives they will be to busy loving your baby!

Had I read this earlier then I would have suggested waiting a bit before you spoke to them, past the 3 month scan.

I do wonder if your parents grieved after the MC as well as being angry. The MC does affect grandparents too. This time round they will have had more time to anticipate things and you might find they've mellowed slightly. Hopefully they can support you now as it's less of a shock to them.

I would definitely consider the legal wedding soon, and big party later, option given that you do both intend to marry anyway.

I do find it ironic that given the OP was complaining how she was being judged by her unkind parents for falling pregnant out of wedlock then there are lots of posters judging her for …. Falling pregnant out of wedlock. Nice one!

Yes yes being married is a useful social / practical contract but no need to be so critical to someone who might be feeling a bit vulnerable.

Thanks Comtesse! I know some people probably mean well but no one should assume the financial situation. I am in a very lucky position that I make a high salary in a stable job and god forbid my partner walked out (which is very very very unlikely) but if he did I would have enough to support myself, baby, house and then some. Therefore we will not be moving the wedding forward due to any social, financial or family pressures - instead we look forward to hopefully having the baby on the wedding when he/she is a year old.

PollyPut they didn't grieve at all, trust me and as above, no we will not be getting married any sooner than we planned.

This is MN. Most views on here to marriage is very 1920s

@AllThingsServeTheBeam have a look at the relationship boards to see just how well having kids unmarried works out usually... People are not advising from a moral virtue point of view, they are advising from a legal pragmatic point of view.

Not saying this is OP's case, as she sounds very self-sufficient. Many women who make this choice aren't.

Op has stated multiple times she is not in a situation some of those women have found themselves in, yet you still get posters going on and on about getting married.

I have zero plans to get married. We've been together 14 years, 2 DC and a house. I don't need a piece of paper.

@AllThingsServeTheBeam a marriage certificate is a just piece of paper just a piece of paper just as much as a title to a house. Or a will.

You do you though.

It would add nothing to our lives whatsoever. If I was a SAHM then yes, I'd get the appeal. But you still see married woman completely left in the shit. Then they have the costly expensive of divorce as well.

@Rookiemama1 , don't make jokes at your own expense ( putting on weight etc ) - it never ends well. And it's not good for your child's mental health either, I mean once she or he is listening.
Best wishes for your pregnancy.

Your parents sound disgusting.

I would distance myself. You are a proper adult now and don't need their approval. In time they will figure the pregnancy out for themselves, and all you need to say is well I knew you would not be happy so I did not tell you

Limit your stress levels and just focus on your own family now. Congratulations!

Congrats on your pregnancy 💕

It sounds to me as though you need to see a therapist & work through the relationship with your parents. you need to be distanced & free of their disapproval.

Their behaviour re: thr miscarriage was appalling & im not suprised you feel anxious now. 💐

Good luck with the pregnancy & I hope you have a supportive partner.

It is not your fault your parents are like this and you did not make them that way.

Do not make jokes at your expense and particularly in your mother's presence because she will seize on that. You do not need their approval and besides which they will never give it.

Ultimately you will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. The birth of your child and their life with you will likely bring up all sorts of issues long hidden within you; not least of all the fact that you would not treat your child like you have been treated by your parents. I would advise counselling/therapy when you feel ready to do so.

Do you want your parents to form a relationship with your child; if so I would think long and hard about why that is. If your man's parents are nice and importantly emotionally healthy I would concentrate my efforts on them. Your parents were not good people to you when you were growing up and they have not fundamentally changed and similar emotional harm could be done to your child. The truism here is that if parents are too toxic/difficult or other too batshit for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your child too.