Worried about telling parents I'm pregnant

[Rookiemama1]

I was brought up in a very co-dependent household as a child. I regularly attend therapy and my original family have serious attachment issues. I love my mum to absolute bits but she is exceptionally overprotective and just wants our lives to be perfect...well to look perfect anyway. I (26) nor my brothers and sisters have ever done anything really to give her cause for concern. Me in particular, I've never really went out, never drank and or caused trouble, have a great stable high earning job and recently bought a house with my partner and having suffered a miscarriage a few months ago we are now 8 weeks in with this pregnancy and couldn't be happier.

Expect for the fact that I am dreading telling my parents that I'm pregnant.

My parents are quite conservative and believe you should only have children when you're married....we are engaged and getting married anyway in 2024 which was set before I even knew I was pregnant. When I miscarried my mum's initial reaction was 'how did you let yourself get in that situation' before lecturing me on my morals and values and how she was disappointed. It really wasn't what I needed, I needed my mum to hug me and support me. Meanwhile my dad rang my partner and was verbally abusive down the phone to him literally the day after we miscarried for getting me pregnant in the first place.

I am planning to tell them about this pregnancy soon and I could be sick with worry every time I think about it. I know I'm 26, I know that a lot of people will say don't worry about your parents etc, it's your life but it feels like the most awful position I've ever been in and I have no idea what to do or how to tell them or how to cope with another backlash especially when I feel so elated that I'm pregnant. Any advice welcome.

Because she's shouldn't have to

They've already taken the decision to marry. They are engaged, the wedding is planned.

Moving it forward a bit is not pandering to her parents ffs

It's being smart and getting the legal and financial protection of marriage before making yourself vulnerable through childbirth and maternity leave....

Many congratulations to you both.

I wouldn’t tell them yet. You do not need the grief or stress that they may cause you. Take time to enjoy your pregnancy with your Partner.
Reading your post, your parents do not sound like good people.

I would postpone telling them as long as possible.

i would also get legally married now, but that has absolutely nothing to do with your parents or morals. It is simply about forming a legal and economic unit for raising your child. You can somewhat mimic that without getting married, but it is much more complicated and expensive. You don’t have to tell anyone you got married legally. The social wedding is the one that will carry the more personal significance and you can celebrate that as your anniversary. (This is how DH and I did things, neither of us has any idea what our legal marriage date even is without looking it up)

Don't tell them. When/if you reach a point in the pregnancy where you feel safe talking to them, do so.

More important, as you're going to be a Mum (congrats!), you should invest in therapy if you can afford it at all. Your family sounds rather toxic. You should - at 26 - not be feeling nervous about this at all.

How does your partner feel about what happened?

By the way, why is the wedding so far in the future? Is that related at all?

Thanks for putting that way more eloquently than I managed to

Congratulations OP!
Dont tell them, just enjoy your pregnancy. There is no obligations at all. I told my mum at 17 weeks just because my DH was away and I needed a hospital stay. Can you tell DP’s parents ?

Oh I agree with @Ponderingwindow marrying legally now might be a good idea

If they are so awful to you i’d really limit contact. I’d be wary of having them alone around child as they get older in case they say inappropriate things to them (call them a bastard etc) or them trying to railroad you into stuff you might not want eg baptism.

I waited until after 20 weeks with my youngest, you don't have to tell anyone till you need to.
I'd also seriously consider getting married now and having the wedding event later.

You are 26, so your life and choices are not your parents' business in any way. Stay away from them, if necessary, and don't tell them until the baby is here.

OP, I was 35, well paid career, own house and had I’d been dating my now DH for 3 months when carelessness resulted in me being pregnant. I’m from a strict Christian family. I’d been told that sex before marriage resulted in an eternity in hell. I’m sure my mum thought I was a virgin. When I told her by phone I was pregnant she said ‘Pardon?’. I replied ‘I think you heard the first time’. I knew she wasn’t pleased. That said she was completely supportive. We are 10 years down the line now. DM couldn't love her GC (there are 2) more and is the most hands on granny you could wish for. I agree with PP, maybe don’t tell them until you are past 12 weeks. The world has moved on from the one they are stuck in and they will soon realise that no-ones cares about their out of wedlock GC.
congratulations!

If OP comes back and says your comments about legal protection are reasonable, I'm getting married tomorrow, then I agree.

If she's doing it just to keep her parents happy so telling them is easier, then that's what my message referred to because I thought that was your point, for which I'll happily stand corrected

They don't want, or deserve, the privilege of sharing your pregnancy joy after loss do they? Don't rush to tell them.

Wow I didn't expect to get so many responses!!

Firstly to whoever said about we should be married first and finances etc - I've my own finances and have very good maternity pay. I made sure i was in that position before I got pregnant.

Honestly thank you to everyone for your responses. I won't be rushing up the aisle just because of the baby, we will continue with 2024.

It honestly is mad being brought up in such a way where your parents teach you they are your be all and end all and it's taken me years of therapy to start to see that they aren't, I don't need their validation but I still find it very hard.

My partner struggles to understand my relationship with my parents because they have horrific reactions and then its swept under the carpet and I'm so determined for my baby more so than me to not let this continue.

I think I will tell them around 12 weeks and after the MC I did say to them that if there were any more adverse reactions like that we were done....although as a woman from a co dependent family that does scare me! Although looking at it from a rational point of view I totally understand why this may need to happen as a need more than a want.

Thanks so much everyone honestly I feel so much more confident and at ease.

I totally agree. It has nothing to do with her parents. It's simply being smart.

I also think the op should have cut these dinosaurs out of her life when she miscarried.

I would actually use this as an excuse to elope so they can't ruin your wedding.

Then enjoy your pregnancy and have a "wedding" that you want in 2024.

They were utterly vile to you both.

Congratulations, OP!

Do you have someone else in your life who can fulfil that motherly role for you? An aunt, family friend, someone in your OH's family, or an understanding friend or colleague from the next generation up? As well as dealing with your parents' disapproval of your life choices you have also lost the motherly support that it is very natural to want. You don't need someone who will do anything particularly heavy but there is a gap if you don't have your mum there.

I wouldn't tell them quite yet, either, and I agree that pre-empting your announcement with an acknowledgement that this is not the order of events that they would have wanted for you, and a clear statement that you would appreciate their support and will not tolerate their abuse, is the way to go.

Get to the 12 week mark before telling them if that’s how they are going to be. And then do it over the phone perhaps and block any and all negative follow up from them. Congratulations!

Your parents are ghastly, and you need to grow up and stop being so enmeshed with them and so reliant on their approval. Do you want your child to grow up seeing a mother visibly cringing for fear of her parents’ disapproval?

Yeah my granny is my absolute rock - she knows about the pregnancy and she was ecstatic! She's in her 70s though now so I don't like to annoy her too much.

I really am so excited for the baby, I never thought about having children and went through a really tough few years and then my partner and I got together and it's been the most amazing experience.

Yes I think maybe over the phone is best. I just worry about the guilt trip after. After the reaction to the MC initially I didn't speak to my mum really for a few weeks and I kept getting told she wasn't sleeping and eating etc and a part of me felt bad and the other part was like I've actually done nothing wrong here so this isn't my issue.

Getting stronger everyday - think though I still am looking for a relationship with my parent's that just doesn't exist.

I did see your update, I’d not tell them until later and if questioned why, I’d explain it was their reaction last time.

Make sure you make all decisions with your DH, making sure they are influenced by your own shared values and hopes/plans and not what you think your parents want.
Then speak to your parents as decision made. Otherwise you’ll never live your own life.

Another one saying don’t tell them. I wouldn’t actually tell them until it’s pretty obvious. They sound vile.

You know what's crazy to me and I think maybe we all have this in common if we are on here but I went to look up on the internet and mumsnet etc about parent's reacting badly to miscarriage....but all the postings and forums were about parents being sad not angry!!! I don't think because of how much of a whirlwind the past few months have been that it's really hit me how bad their reaction was

I'm really glad your granny is supportive 😁 I don't think you need someone to do anything major. Having a woman who has walked before you who is holding you in mind and is excited with you matters, I think.