My partner of 11 years has been contacting transgender escorts. We have a child,we have a family.

[BrokenMomBrokenPartner]

He came home super late few weeks ago, he is supposed to be at school and previously would always come home at a certain time. Which made me feel suspicious that he was doing something.

We have gotten too comfortable in our relationship. He doesn’t even have a lock on his phone. He totally forgot to delete the messages.

First, I thought it was just regular escorts.

I ended up getting our call log.

So many escort numbers.

The nights he came home late, he was texting a transgender escort.

After he was confronted he disappeared for two days.

He finally contacted me and said the reason is because he was stressed about money, I made him feel like he wasn’t doing enough. Which made him start to drink. Then he entertained the idea. (His words)

I am not perfect. I do always tell him how much I want to move(we live in a bad neighborhood)

I just didn’t think he would go behind my back and do this.

On our call logs I even got in contact with someone and HE and I had a conversation.

I texted the number saying “Hey I saw ur ad”

He said to call, but when he heard my voice he sounded nervous,his voice was shaking and he was very denfensive.

I texted him and we went back and forth and he told me “if you saw my ad then give me an offer followed by explicit text here

I told him his number is linked to an escort site on google and after our conversation I googled the number again and the ad was completely gone.

My partner has not explained any of these numbers I have found.

He only gave me half a reason.

I am devastated because he is a recovering addict. He is 3 years sober and I thought our relationship was fine. We were going to the gym together, getting in shape, working towards getting our degrees.

I feel like I got to comfortable. I just wish he would have sat down and explained to me, talked to me. Instead of going behind my back and doing this.

I just needed to vent.

Its been very hard these past couple of days.

I don’t know how to move on from this.

Everyone on here has heard this and worse

It's anonymous.

The vast majority of people on here only want to help.

Oh and I've lived in rough neighborhoods myself.

Plenty of people have/do.

I hope so too.

We we’re intimate the day before I found out everything. When he released he groaned really loud. He would never do that before. I was able to get a plan b pill also.

That is a bit TMI. But I should have noticed signs. I am still so shocked about this.

They will probably be fine, the prostitutes go to clinics much more regularly than non sex workers and are very aware of symptoms. They have to be because it's a loss of money for them if they can't work or if the punters/John's report signs of STDs on the review sites.

But I wouldn't have sex with him again .... Because it's still got a risk.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. How did you and he get together at all?.

This dysfunctional relationship absolutely needs to end today. Its over anyway as he has and will continue to put his addictions before you and in addition this from him now is how he has repaid your "support". Addicts are selfish and lie and he has lied to you both openly and repeatedly.

To him it's always been about him and getting his needs met regardless of who he hurts; you are nowhere near the top of his priority list.

Let him go completely and get therapy for any and all issues relating to enabling and codependency. Make your children and you furthermore your number 1 priority; not this man.

He’s been addicted to heroin and now trans prostitutes. Your issue here is that he is an addict who can’t come off an addiction and just swaps it for another. The fact that it’s trans seems now irrelevant, although that would absolutely be the end for me.

Even if he dropped that habit, he’d pick up another one.

I think you need to save yourself and let him get on with it.

I will seek therapy and will discuss about that..

Seeing as transwomen are men, he must 'like' men, or like/enjoy cock.

He sounds a disgusting individual. You and your children deserve more than this lying, deluded cheat.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. This is all on him.

I hope that your STD test is clear, and you are able to end this toxic relationship.

Your partner is addicted to escorts! He alway will be!

this is got nothing to do with you or anything you’ve done. He is gaslighting you with false reasons.

he should be ashamed and embarrassed… not you!! I honest would tell my friends and family… you’ll get more support and understand…people will see him in a different light! Not you.

you definitely need therapy to help you realise it’s not your fault and help you cope with the betrayal.

Definitely look to starting work and completing you course to get your degree.

glad your mother is going to help you! Good luck… it will be a long process but you’ll survive and then thrive.

Seeing as transwomen are men, he must 'like' men, or like/enjoy cock.

Exactly. He’s GAY.

I cannot believe this is happening.

He finally contacted me and said the reason is because he was stressed about money, I made him feel like he wasn’t doing enough. Which made him start to drink. Then he entertained the idea. (His words)

Ah. Textbook.
It's not just your fault he texted escorts OP - it's your fault he relapsed into drinking again.

I'm concerned you are buying into his argument with -
I am not perfect. I do always tell him how much I want to move(we live in a bad neighborhood)

What is wrong with having ambition to move to a better neighbourhood?
How is expressing that wish ANYTHING to do with relapsing after 3 years sober, & cheating on a marriage?

None of this is on you OP.
I'm glad you have your mum on your team. Can you go & stay with her for a while?

My child and I have our own home. He is the one who has left.

I am currently trying to figure everything out.

I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist.

I am applying for jobs now.

I am working on everything. I just can’t believe this is happening.

Don’t listen to the excuses, we’ve had stressful times in our marriage. i have never thought “I’m going to find a transgender escort, that will help with my problems”. It’s an excuse men make all the time, “I was stressed so I cheated”

Whatever he is doing it is on him, don’t let him make you share responsibility for his behaviour.

He is only now responding to anything that has to do with bills or money.

He is no longer responding on the things that I have found..

I would expect him to beg plead and be upset about this but he isn’t.

I am just so disappointed how things have turned.

and said the reason is because he was stressed about money

So he decided to spend it on prostitutes?

I made him feel like he wasn’t doing enough. Which made him start to drink. Then he entertained the idea. (His words)

So being drunk makes him think about/have sex with prostitutes, in particular trans sexual ones.

Did you say he had a previous alcohol problem as well as the heroin?

That means theres a chance he used them before when drinking/drunk.

And a chance he always will if he drinks..

Oh avd alcohol diesbt change people's sexual orientation so he can lay off that as an excuse for going for transsexual prostitutes.

If you even really dif feel like he wasn't doing enough Ankit your financial and living situation; that would something to discuss.

Not something you use as an excuse to drink and definitely not as an excuse to contact prostitutes.

I think you've done nothing .... You might've expressed some amount of stress at your living location/circumstances and he latched ontknthatbas an excuse (a total bullshit excuse) because there's nothing else he could remotely use to try to blame you.

The reality is he's an extreme addict, and is always catering around his next addiction/compulsion.

I'd actually be inclined to think the prostitutenusd is a long term thing he's done before (if not steadily, off and on) and he's escalated to transexual prostitutes.... Because the hit and novelty of female prostitutes started to wane.

Also v likely be had some bi or gay leanings/curiosity at the very least.

*careening around

I would bet you good money that he is no longer sober. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Op, I don't think your partnervjs really capanle of caring about the standard, ordinary things in life; the things that should matter.

He has a history of addiction. He seems to be wired to seek highs.

He seems to be chasing around/hanging around the scummy, degenerate, extreme, low side of life ... Drinking, drugs - the hardest one you can get almost - prostitutes etc.

You are expecting him to think abd act like an "ordinary" well adjusted person, but he is not one.

So he will probably never think and act like an ordinary, well adjusted person.

One for whom partner, relationship, family etc is very important, is the priority.

I don't think, even having apparently gotten sober and clean, that those are his priority. That is probably somewhat boring to his brain.

You only have one child by him, is that right?

Cut your losses and he glad it's just one child. It could be worse.

There are men out there not like this, there are men who are wired to work and get satisfaction from their work, do sports, do hobbies, drink lightly or in moderation, not do hard drugs, do stuff with their kids etc. Their brains are wired differently from his. There are also men who don't cheat, don't use prostitutes, don't have sex with other men (dressed as women) while claiming they are straight and don't "like" men.

Your life does not have to be supporting an addict, tolerating an addict, centring an addict, being hurt and disappointed and disadvantaged by an addict.

You've wasted enough of it doing that.

*I am just so disappointed how things have turned."

This is no doubt very disappointing/devastating and painful for you.

But you must have realised during the last 12 yrs that your partner has serious issues, massive issues.

And I'll wager he's probably disappointed, let you down, hurt you, and inconvenienced you and your child several times before.

This is a new level of hurt because it's cheating (though we dint know if he's cheated before with either prostitutes or non prostitutesnavd you just didnt find out) but it's just more off the bracket, crazy, selfish, money wasting, high seeking behaviour.

You know now he's never going to change, he just revolves around the high seeking, compulsive behaviours.

He's not talking about it and begging because a. He knows he's been caught out and has no real excuses or cover ups (and prob doesn't want to trip himself up with worse information if you question him and he talks about it) and/or b. He doesn't really care about Relationships, family etc. Because he's not weird right. It's not high value or priority to him. There are lots of people like that, more often men ... They don't really value partnerships and family/kids; it's a bit boring, a bit of a drag, and an inconvenience to them.

I have a sister a bit like that ... Her young adult son lives with my Mum (his grandmother) instead of her because she prioritises drinking and having things on her terms all the time over her relationship with her only son. They are not good enough people to be good partners or good parents.

You can recover and move on, and make a better life for yourself than being dragged down by this "man".

He's an addict looking for a new high

He put this

”I can't explain why I did anything I did it because I don't know myself..My brain is messed up . I am sorry I never meant to hurt you . I do love you”