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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice on a 3 month old relationship

61 replies

MRB5568 · 02/11/2022 12:36

Hi - I would really welcome a female perspective on my situation.

In the past 3 months I have started a new relationship with a fantastic lady. We are both over 50 and have had mixed/challenging past relationships. She started from a position of not looking for anything too serious. She stated that she had "given up on love".

I have a more optimistic outlook and although realistic I do believe in the happy ending. That said I have a lack of confidence in as much as I don't believe that a partner will want to stick with me. I don't have jealous or possessive issues just an underlying fear I will be rejected.

The relationship has developed but with me very aware that being too keen would be off putting and there was a need to go at her pace. Much has been positive but there are times when she looks for reasons why we might not work i.e. "you're too intelligent for me" and "we are from different backgrounds" (both are nonsense, an make me smile).

Around two weeks ago we had an issue, over me not showing a physical interest in her. The truth was I was trying to go at her pace and take her lead. This lead to us not communicating, despite me messaging I was ignored for a week or so. After a week I was contacted to say how disappointed she was that I hadn't contacted her (it had been 4 days since I last made an attempt to contact her) and that I wasn't "fighting for her". We met and I was honest and said I was fearful of being rejected, after silence in response to my messages, so I hadn't contacted her.

We have met 4 times for coffee/dinner since and although we have chatted in a very adult way she has told me all the reasons why she doesn't believe I can change. I have analysed and explained my actions and believe I can learn and evolve (I don't have any negative traits other than being passive and hoping things will be ok) but I am continually told that I can't change (which feels a little unfair when I have every respect of her background, experiences and how that has shaped her life and attitude). I believe we have a chance of a very positive and supportive relationship but she seems to want to deny that is the case. She says I am only after companionship, but then acknowledges many positives that she sees in me (in having a successful relationship).

We continue to communicate (by text - I am always wary of using text to express feelings as that can be taken out of context) but I don't know how to shape the future.

So my questions are:

Am I wasting my time and should I take what she says as the truth, even though I don't agree?

Do I keep trying to convince her that we have a future and any issues (which in my view are easily solvable) can be addressed.

It's hard for me to imagine me finding anyone more fantastic but at the same time I don't want to be a drain on her and maybe have to accept this won't work for her.

Any insight or opinion is really appreciated.

Thx

OP posts:

Razzle5 · 02/11/2022 12:39

Blooming heck op

she sounds… high maintenance and, well, a tad unhinged.

All this little “issues” and you’ve been together 3 months.

any children involved?

MsPavlichenko · 02/11/2022 12:42

Far too much effort this early in. She’s clearly game playing at least. She may enjoy the drama, you correctly don’t. Finish and block ( more drama otherwise).

Good luck going forward.

SheWoreYellow · 02/11/2022 12:44

I don’t understand her saying she doesn’t think you can change. Why do you need to change

Melonapplepear · 02/11/2022 12:45

She sounds odd tbh. 'not fighting for her' really? After 3 months I would be thinking do I want this uncertainty and drama in my life.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/11/2022 12:45

She's a game-playing pain in the arse. Next.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/11/2022 12:47

She is a gameplaying twat who will never make you happy.
She stonewalled you for a week then DARVO'd her own unacceptable behaviour by blaming you ... for not contacting her!
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

I bet if you HAD tried to contact her every day, she would have told you that was all wrong too.

You have spent a lot of time analysing & ruminating over this so-called "fantastic" woman. It's only been 3 months - it should still be fun & happy. It isn't - you are even looking for ways to change yourself in order to try & force this into being a bigger relationship than it is. YOU SHOULD NOT BE TRYING TO CHANGE TO BECOME WHAT SOMEBODY ELSE SAYS THEY WANT FROM YOU.

Sorry OP - not only is she "just not that into you", but you are incompatible. Stop flogging this dead horse. She has told you - in simple sentences - that she is not looking for a serious relationship. She continues to tell you this - the "too intelligent" & "different backgrounds" nonsense is more of the same.

Sending you to Coventry for a week over a falling out is unacceptable. Stop chasing her, stop forcing this, stop trying to be somebody you are not, & keep yourself for a woman who wants you exactly how you are.

Melonapplepear · 02/11/2022 12:47

I think you should consider how all this makes you feel. You mention her being 'fantastic' but your description sounds anything but. Sorry this is fairly blunt but my perception of things from your post.

Original poster

MRB5568 · 02/11/2022 12:47

All kids over 18 -

OP posts:

Razzle5 · 02/11/2022 12:48

MRB5568 · 02/11/2022 12:47

All kids over 18 -

Thank fu@k for that

MyRiverThee · 02/11/2022 12:49

Aquamarine1029 · 02/11/2022 12:45

She's a game-playing pain in the arse. Next.

This.

TomTraubertsBlues · 02/11/2022 12:49

Saying that she was disappointed because you weren't fighting for her is pure game playing. Sod that for a laugh.

I'd move on, because this isn't going to work.

dotdotdotdash · 02/11/2022 12:50

She may have interpreted the wrong thing from you holding back and trying not to be pushy. If you can't explain this to her in a way that reassures her and that she can take on board, then I think you have a communication problem; and compatibility might not be there.

Honestly, when you meet someone where you are compatible, you don't tend to run into these sorts of misunderstandings. I would suggest you end things with this person, and get back to dating, until you meet someone with whom you are more compatible. You might need to meet a few people before you meet the right one!

Turnedacorner · 02/11/2022 12:51

You sound lovely and she sounds like hard work! Move on and find someone who appreciates you.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 02/11/2022 12:52

She has problems that she needs to fix for herself. End it nicely, move on.

FurElsie · 02/11/2022 12:55

I don't think this is all on you at all. You go at her pace which she then interprets as you not having an attraction for her - hopefully that can be sorted out with direct down to earth conversation... Except that she also says she wants you to fight for her, even though she says she doesn't believe in love! Very mixed messages and old fashioned romantic views while not giving any thought to/ consequences on your own perspective and well being.
As others have said, possibly too self obsessed and high maintenance. But try some genuine input on your side and try not put down your value to yourself - as gorgeous as you say she is, she's still interested in you

Original poster

MRB5568 · 02/11/2022 12:55

I really appreciate the feedback - this was just what I wanted. I don't think she is as "evil" as you may think but at the same time I don't think she thinks as much about me as I had hoped so your opinions are welcomed.

OP posts:

WarriorsComeOutToPlayaaay · 02/11/2022 12:58

She sounds like a nightmare. Don’t waste time on her when you could be with someone who is right for you.

InsertPunHere · 02/11/2022 12:58

Game playing. I hate that.

You are both old enough for clear communication. If that’s not working, cut your losses and move on.

Original poster

MRB5568 · 02/11/2022 12:59

It's very confusing. As much as I am more than willing to talk things through in a really positive way the response is on one hand positive on the other less so. I think everyone has told me what I knew, it's a shame but there's only so much I can do and I can't be apologising for being me all the time.

OP posts:

Smearywindowsagain · 02/11/2022 13:00

It sounds like you’re not having sex ( or not having much of it) and you haven’t instigated it. This has caused a bit of insecurity on her part so she’s talking around the issue. A lot of women like to feel physically desired. Even if they’re not ready for sex, they want you to want it and you to be pro active about it. I would give it a few more dates. Call her up ( stop texting it’s crap ) ask her to dinner on Saturday night( coffee dates are no good for romance), drinks, compliment her, hold her hand, work up to some physical intimacy, see if she would like you to take her home… if she declines, kiss her and tell her you’re happy to wait but find her very beautiful. Do the same the following week, maybe plan to see a show or the cinema. This was what my husband did with me every week when we dated. We had a lovely date that he planned once a week, he called me up every evening to see how my day was between dates. I felt very secure and desired and these things are important to help things progress.

Guusha · 02/11/2022 13:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Razzle5 · 02/11/2022 13:03

MRB5568 · 02/11/2022 12:55

No one has said she is “evil”

She sounds very insecure and high maintenance and a bit… well, odd.

Melonapplepear · 02/11/2022 13:03

MRB5568 · 02/11/2022 12:55

I certainly don't think she is 'evil'...however I do think she is game playing. Mostly because of the doesn't believe in love yet wants you to fight for her part. As other have said, I feel when you meet someone you are compatible with these sorts of issues won't crop up. It's been such a short amount of time that if it is like this after three months I tend to feel that it will only go further down hill.

Melonapplepear · 02/11/2022 13:03

Razzle5 · 02/11/2022 13:03

No one has said she is “evil”

She sounds very insecure and high maintenance and a bit… well, odd.

Show quote history

Exactly, idk where evil has come from 😂

Original poster

MRB5568 · 02/11/2022 13:03

Thank you all. I think you have highlighted to me what I needed to realise which is my main reason for continuing the relationship is partly to prove that what she is saying about me is wrong. In doing that I am wasting my effort. As much as I think it could work I have to accept that I won't get her to accept what I say. As you all say the signs aren't good, which in some ways is a shame but life gets ever shorter and I can't waste time on something that is unlikely to change.

OP posts:

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