Advice on a 3 month old relationship

[MRB5568]

Hi - I would really welcome a female perspective on my situation.

In the past 3 months I have started a new relationship with a fantastic lady. We are both over 50 and have had mixed/challenging past relationships. She started from a position of not looking for anything too serious. She stated that she had "given up on love".

I have a more optimistic outlook and although realistic I do believe in the happy ending. That said I have a lack of confidence in as much as I don't believe that a partner will want to stick with me. I don't have jealous or possessive issues just an underlying fear I will be rejected.

The relationship has developed but with me very aware that being too keen would be off putting and there was a need to go at her pace. Much has been positive but there are times when she looks for reasons why we might not work i.e. "you're too intelligent for me" and "we are from different backgrounds" (both are nonsense, an make me smile).

Around two weeks ago we had an issue, over me not showing a physical interest in her. The truth was I was trying to go at her pace and take her lead. This lead to us not communicating, despite me messaging I was ignored for a week or so. After a week I was contacted to say how disappointed she was that I hadn't contacted her (it had been 4 days since I last made an attempt to contact her) and that I wasn't "fighting for her". We met and I was honest and said I was fearful of being rejected, after silence in response to my messages, so I hadn't contacted her.

We have met 4 times for coffee/dinner since and although we have chatted in a very adult way she has told me all the reasons why she doesn't believe I can change. I have analysed and explained my actions and believe I can learn and evolve (I don't have any negative traits other than being passive and hoping things will be ok) but I am continually told that I can't change (which feels a little unfair when I have every respect of her background, experiences and how that has shaped her life and attitude). I believe we have a chance of a very positive and supportive relationship but she seems to want to deny that is the case. She says I am only after companionship, but then acknowledges many positives that she sees in me (in having a successful relationship).

We continue to communicate (by text - I am always wary of using text to express feelings as that can be taken out of context) but I don't know how to shape the future.

So my questions are:

Am I wasting my time and should I take what she says as the truth, even though I don't agree?

or

Do I keep trying to convince her that we have a future and any issues (which in my view are easily solvable) can be addressed.

It's hard for me to imagine me finding anyone more fantastic but at the same time I don't want to be a drain on her and maybe have to accept this won't work for her.

Any insight or opinion is really appreciated.

Thx

Evil is a bit strong - I heard ELO on the radio this morning, Evil Woman lol. Let me just say I think women are fantastic...one or two individuals aside 😂

You saying that we think she is evil, when no one even implied that

and this Let me just say I think women are fantastic shudder

leads me to think there may will be another and rather compelling side to this story

This is a good point. I do wonder what the other side would have to say.

Is it that she wants sex and you don’t?

There’s a few odd posts by men today. Shudder indeed. Creepy vibes.

Honestly - a joke, nothing more and you're help is appreciated.

I think she's goading you and trying to get you to quell all her fears with 'no, I love you you! You are the most intelligent and worthy would to ever exist and I would jump off a mountain for you' type of deal.

Unfortunately at this age no one should be acting like that and instead should be communicating and being open.

If I were you and I really did like her I'd lay my cards on the table then walk away, and leave it to her from there.

I'd say I don't fancy playing games. Any insecurities or issues should be talked about out in the open. I'd say how much I liked her and exactly what I wanted from the relationship and ask her to get back to me if she wants the same. End of.

Thank you, appreciate that and that's what I will do.

Women are fantastic

Wow, thanks for that judgment, OP. Women love to be judged by men, especially those who say 'It was just a joke!!'

It's hard for me to imagine me finding anyone more fantastic

You can't imagine finding anyone more fantastic for you than someone who insists you need to change for her and also that you can't. After 3 months. Really? Why can't you imagine a partner who loves you as you are? Until you can, don't try dating again; it's a recipe for disaster.

This may be worth a try, OP.

Hi - point taken completely and it was only in jest, apologies to all for any offence.

Thanks for point 2 - really appreciated

It could be - I think there are a number of facets to this and the advice offered so far, on all counts, could be right. This makes it all the more confusing, but I will think about it and see what is the best for me.

I think it's probably worth noting that healthy relationships don't start with confusion by month 3, so you're best off out of this one. She's misreading you, misjudging you, and doesn't want you unless you can change.

Do you really think she's what you're looking for? What is it that you find so fantastic about her?

It sounds like a very challenging relationship for you both.

"Around two weeks ago we had an issue, over me not showing a physical interest in her. The truth was I was trying to go at her pace and take her lead."

Examples like that... It just sounds like she wants to feel chased, wanted, overcommunication etc. Sounds like she may have some self-esteem issues also, especially saying you're too god for her etc.

You don't need to change per se. But someone like her needs bombarding with affection to feel good about the relationship. She's quite high-maintenance. Skip a day of texting her and she'll feel unwanted, same with physical interest.

You need to ask yourself if this is you, or are you too laid-back for all that. Ultimately you shouldn't be anyone but yourself in a relationship, with some compromises for the person that's worth it.

You'd give it a few more dates with someone who'd told you you needed to change to be the right person for them, and given you a list of reasons they didn't think you could manage that?

Would you have dreamt of telling your husband he needed to change, and the reasons he wouldn't be able to do so? Would he have stayed with you if you had?

Think she is a bit of a headwrecker. I'd explain all this before you block her and move on
Relationships shouldnt be this hard!!!!!!

I really don’t see the point of this relationship if it is this hard 3 months in …. Crikey imagine what it would be like after three years!

Isn’t it meant to be fun?!

I think you need to sit down and have a serious chat with her and tell her she is giving mixed message, as she actually wants, what she says she doesn't want!!! You can both then decide what you actually want from each other

I disagree with most of the responses you have had. I’d say it sounds like you both are a bit skittish, uncertain of the other, afraid to get hurt, and possibly misunderstanding each other. I don’t think she is necessarily playing games, but trying to protect herself, while still really liking you. I don’t think you should give up just yet if you really like her.

Dating can be hard when you are in your 50s (and older), especially for women. Just for example, she may be mentally calculating how long it has been since she got naked in front of someone she hasn’t known for 10 or 20 years. Or trying to work out some balance between playing it cool and seeming too eager.

Until things are clearer one way or another, cut her some slack, give her the benefit of the doubt and keep talking. And definitely take her out to dinner.

But don’t base any relationships on either of you fundamentally changing. That doesn’t happen. But it also doesn’t mean you can’t be right for each other.

Good luck.

@Watchkeys we’re only getting one side of it and not her exact words. It sounds like she may have good reason to think he’s not stepping up. He isn’t making any physical moves, he only texts her, never calls. When she doesn’t reply to one of his texts he still doesn’t call. He just leaves it for two weeks. If a man is really into you over a week is a very long time. If I didn’t reply to a text of my husbands when we were dating he called. If I didn’t answer he would call round to my house. As someone above says the op seems ‘skittish’. She probably likes him and is clumsily expressing that she’s unsure if he is physically attracted to her because of the lack of fire in his pursuit. He might be saying he likes her but he’s not showing it

Yes, so it's either not working or the communication isn't working. Either way, call it quits. This much bewilderment after 3 months isn't going to lead to a happy relationship. OP is being who he is. The woman is being who she is. This is the result. Unhappy confusion and disappointment.

She’s Playing head games @MRB5568 🚩…not worth it imo

@Watchkeys some people do need a little guidance with dating though. I used to do some dating and relationship coaching and some people are very much clueless in this area.

Unless a person is looking for a project, it's best to choose someone who doesn't need guidance. You know, like an adult. Who's responsible for themselves.

Those who need guidance should seek it, but not from potential partners. How would the relationship be equal?

Are you seriously suggesting OP should date someone who has told him he needs to change for her, and also that she doesn't think he can, because you think one of them might need a dating coach? What would a person have to do for you to suggest walking away from them?!

I think you’re triggered by the word ‘change’ . The op isn’t clear on exactly what changes the woman wants. There’s a difference between someone you’re dating telling you you need to be more outdoorsy or change your hair and someone saying they need more intimacy. We don’t know the context or details of the conversation