Advice on a 3 month old relationship

[MRB5568]

Hi - I would really welcome a female perspective on my situation.

In the past 3 months I have started a new relationship with a fantastic lady. We are both over 50 and have had mixed/challenging past relationships. She started from a position of not looking for anything too serious. She stated that she had "given up on love".

I have a more optimistic outlook and although realistic I do believe in the happy ending. That said I have a lack of confidence in as much as I don't believe that a partner will want to stick with me. I don't have jealous or possessive issues just an underlying fear I will be rejected.

The relationship has developed but with me very aware that being too keen would be off putting and there was a need to go at her pace. Much has been positive but there are times when she looks for reasons why we might not work i.e. "you're too intelligent for me" and "we are from different backgrounds" (both are nonsense, an make me smile).

Around two weeks ago we had an issue, over me not showing a physical interest in her. The truth was I was trying to go at her pace and take her lead. This lead to us not communicating, despite me messaging I was ignored for a week or so. After a week I was contacted to say how disappointed she was that I hadn't contacted her (it had been 4 days since I last made an attempt to contact her) and that I wasn't "fighting for her". We met and I was honest and said I was fearful of being rejected, after silence in response to my messages, so I hadn't contacted her.

We have met 4 times for coffee/dinner since and although we have chatted in a very adult way she has told me all the reasons why she doesn't believe I can change. I have analysed and explained my actions and believe I can learn and evolve (I don't have any negative traits other than being passive and hoping things will be ok) but I am continually told that I can't change (which feels a little unfair when I have every respect of her background, experiences and how that has shaped her life and attitude). I believe we have a chance of a very positive and supportive relationship but she seems to want to deny that is the case. She says I am only after companionship, but then acknowledges many positives that she sees in me (in having a successful relationship).

We continue to communicate (by text - I am always wary of using text to express feelings as that can be taken out of context) but I don't know how to shape the future.

So my questions are:

Am I wasting my time and should I take what she says as the truth, even though I don't agree?

or

Do I keep trying to convince her that we have a future and any issues (which in my view are easily solvable) can be addressed.

It's hard for me to imagine me finding anyone more fantastic but at the same time I don't want to be a drain on her and maybe have to accept this won't work for her.

Any insight or opinion is really appreciated.

Thx

Sorry if this is blunt but I think it's purely a sexual drive mismatch. She said she wasn't afetr anything serious, surely impluies she (first of all) wants a good lover - and her saying you are too intelligent for her, OP, maybe mean she thinks you aer too cerebral and not physical enough orforward enough for her.

Again 'fight for her' really probably stands 'pursue with more of a sexual drive', indeed she voiced her doubt that you not too interested physically.

But she likes you as a person / caring personality - so still continues contact.
She's right saying you won't change surely again, meaning in tems of your style of pursuing / sex drive. But maybe she wats you to show her that you can 'get going' at her pace 0- if you can show more passion then do that, but if you think this would be an act and not you being you, then no point.

But if you do want to follow her lead - then she's teling you to step up the passionate side.

(sorry for various missing letters)

No. After 3 months, wanting you to change in any way is not really an acceptable situation, especially whilst insisting he can't. She's tied him in a knot. It's a mindfuck.

It's only been 3 months, you should be having the time of your life. Not trouble on a stick. Move on, there is better out there. Unless you are addicted to drama.

OP it's normal to feel insecure at the beginning of the relationship, to question whether someone is interested enough and to over analyse a bit. Where it all goes wrong is the way she communicates those issues. She sounds very negative, accusatory and like she assumes the worse about you. You sound very diplomatic and considerate but a bit passive in your actions maybe? Perhaps you're just not compatible.

Of course nobody here knows the whole picture or other aspects of your relationship so if you think it's worth it give her a chance and tell her how you see it (in person not by text). Her response will tell you all that you have to know.

Let me just say I think women are fantastic

I am still feel…. Yuck… about the OP saying this

OP it's normal to feel insecure at the beginning of the relationship, to question whether someone is interested enough and to over analyse a bit

It's not 'normal'. It may be fairly common, but it's not healthy. In the same way that it's 'normal' to be overweight or drink too much alcohol. It's not to be recommended as a good way to be.

When you meet a compatible partner, you feel good. That's what signifies the compatibility. You feel good, and safe, and secure. If you keep going in a relationship where you feel insecure, then that's what you get: a relationship where you feel insecure.

move on.

you can do better

It is absolutely NORMAL to have feelings. Feeling insecure is normal and human especially at the beginning of relationship when you're not sure if someone is committed to you and when you have some past traumas. Stop trying to pathologize normal emotions. Only how people express /deal with their feelings can be right or wrong. And she is in a wrong here.

I also NEVER said that insecurity is normal sign of healthy relationship or that you should continue relationship when you feel insecure or not good from the beginning. Can you see the difference? I don't understand why you're twisting what I said. I even mentioned they do not sound compatible.

Nobody twisted anything you said, Lili132. I was offering a different viewpoint from yours to OP, not debating with you. You're not the authority, and you don't get to issue imperatives to other posters about what they do or don't say.

OP, I'm not into the idea of 'normal'. Lots of people do things/feel things in quirky, unusual ways, and if they respect their feelings, they live happy lives. If they disrespect their quirky/unusual feelings in favour of being 'normal', they lead unhappy lives. 'Normal' is an irrelevance, and often not the best path to follow for an individual. If you feel bad in a situation, respect that, and don't keep putting yourself in that situation. It's a pretty simple life philosophy, and it works for everyone. Ignore anyone who tells you to keep putting yourself somewhere where you're uncomfortable; you're the only one who can decide if it's worth it to you, so it can never be advice that you take without analysing the situation yourself, and presumably if you were capable of that, you wouldn't be asking. In short, learn to validate yourself and make your own decisions, rather than following advice from others about what's 'normal'.

Three months in should be easy. She is playing silly games, not replying for a week and then accusing you of not fighting for her is childish and mean. As is the detailing all your faults to you. However it does not spin d like you are having sex, and after three months you can only conclude that one or both of you don’t want to so it’s dead in the water anyway.