Are you prepared to be friends with a guy that you know is in love with you?

[Curi]

I fell in love with a young woman and for so-called 'professional' reasons (complicated) she doesn't want to see me. But maybe it's because she knows I love her and doesn't feel right about seeing me in the circumstances although I wouldn't ask for anything more than a friendship that might be on offer - so the 'professional' reason is just dressing for the real motivation. How does anyone out there feel about a situation where they might consider a friendship but know the guy is pretty stuck on them? (Obviously, might also depend on how the guy conducts himself).

No, it feels uncomfortable and mean.

No it wouldn’t work for me.

Btw I assume you are single? The guy who did this to me was married! We were friends for years but don’t talk any more as the situation became very awkward and he put a lot of pressure on me.

Also I'd just add to my previous post that if a woman is friends with someone she knows is in love with her, she is acutely aware that two things can (and often do) happen:

1. There is an expectation from the guy that as she has decided to remain friends with him, this might lead to an expectation of a relationship further down the line. It might be seen as giving the guy a chance, which in this case, she is not doing.
2. She can be accused, by the guy or other people, of leading the guy on. No one likes to be seen as doing this and no one likes to feel they're doing this. If she has said no, it's because she doesn't want a relationship with you. She doesn't want to feel like she's giving you a glimmer of hope or leading you on by being your friend.

Just leave her alone. You are being creepy.

No. Just no.

You aren't her friend, you're someone who fancies her.

Remaining friends with someone who develops feelings for you when you don't feel the same, isn't wise. But BECOMING friends with one, is fucking stupid.

Also, mega creepy of the person with the feelings to try become friends with them. Like, you aren't her friend. You're someone who wants into her bed. Don't lie to yourself. And don't creep on women. Just leave her alone dude. Build a bridge and get over it.

Also, specific to your post, those 'professional reasons' she gave you was her way of respectful telling you she is not interested. Show a modicome of respect back and take the telling.

Yes, and I am. If he made any moves, or said anything though, I’d feel deeply uncomfortable around him (he did once, years ago and we didn’t speak for a long time afterwards). I do really value him as a friend though- I just need strict boundaries so he doesn’t get the wrong idea.

As long as he foesn’t turn into a weirdo (stalking etc), yeah - whatever.

I really don’t think the whole ”in love” or whatever is that deep at the end, it usually just mean they want to just have sex with the person.
So it doesn’t mean anything.

So what do you mean you’ve fallen in love with a ‘young’ woman?

Sounds like your much older than her and clearly not respecting her boundaries when she has told you no. Leave her alone.

Years ago, decades actually, I had a friendship with a man who I met through work, we were both young and single. We both dated other people etc.

There was never any romantic attachment from my side, I didn’t flirt, didn’t lead him on, we just got on very well and for years that friendship appeared to work. He didn’t flirt either, nothing untoward.

Eventually time went by and I met someone and it was serious. My friend broke down crying and said he couldn’t see me anymore and he loved me, we weren’t as young at this point. I found out through a mutual friend that he ended up having counselling, and that the counsellor had to told him to quit our friendship.

Feelings can grow and change, love can grow and it’s heartbreaking if it it’s not reciprocated.

Yes, it’s THAT guy 🙄

Yes. If they are happy to accept all you can offer is friendship then I have no issue in being friends.

Ive been burnt badly with this before, so no, never again.

You've posted on this a month or so back I think? Are you also the necklace guy?

You're not 'in love' with her. You're not even friends. You don't really know her.

You're caught up in some kind of fantasy. But from her side, you're refusing to accept her boundaries. It's not romantic. It's creepy. Leave her alone.

I because I don’t want to be friends with someone who is hoping they’ll convert me to partner. It never ends well.

No even!

Does she post on MN? Is that why you're here? To try to pressure her even when she's online?

You did not 'fall in love' with her. You became infatuated and obsessed. With a woman you were/are not in a relationship with.

"... for so-called 'professional' reasons (complicated) she doesn't want to see me."
That's called 'letting them down gently'. 'Being polite'. Maybe being a little afraid of the guy radiating stalker vibes (the "so-called" definitely gives me those vibes) who doesn't want to take NO for an answer.

Truth is, you're not asking her to 'consider a friendship'. You're insisting on a relationship (that you know she doesn't want) which you will CALL friendship, but you will always be pushing for more. 'Guarding' her from starting an actual relationship with another man. Cockblocking. Guess what? She doesn't owe you any form of relationship whatsoever. Not romantic, not friendship, not even acquaintanceship. Nowt.

You started another thread today, which I encountered before this one.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4668338-would-you-keep-an-expensive-beautiful-necklace-from-a-guy

You asked in your OP of that thread:

"Would you keep an expensive beautiful necklace from a guy that a few days later you told you never wanted to see again and not to contact you any more - although he'd never done anything to hurt you and had only been nice and gentle? Clearly it meant a lot to him and he wouldn't have given it to you in the first place if he wasn't crazy about you."

and in response to another poster:

"the gift represented the way I felt about her - no other context. And when she accepted it she initially told me 'it was too much' but also declared "I will wear it". It was bleeding obvious how I must have felt. I have no hard feelings about it and I want her to keep it but I'm trying to understand the psychology behind its acceptance and use."

You never made clear on that thread what is clear on this thread - that you are not in a relationship with her. The answers you received would have been very different had you included that detail. I know my answer would have been very different.

When she said 'I will wear it' - that's what you respond when you've got creepy stalker guy in front of you and you're afraid of what he'll do if you don't respond like that. So, the "psychology behind its acceptance" is - fear. Fear of the person who is not behaving in a normal rational way. Fear.

Leave her alone.

@WhereYouLeftIt saved me a job - and made the points I would have made but with absolutely crystal clarity.

I’ve been friends with a guy who was in love with me (not returned). It was a disaster. He wouldn’t stop trying to get me to fall in love with him, despite me being in a relationship. At times, it was embarrassing and uncomfortable. I would never stay friends with someone who has feelings like that again.

I wouldn't be able to maintain a friendship knowing that a guy has feelings for me unless it's been many years since and he seems to have moved on ie settled in a happy relationship.

No of course not. It would be cruel to maintain a relationship where the other person had stronger feelings than friendship.