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Relationships

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Original poster

Are you prepared to be friends with a guy that you know is in love with you?

47 replies

Curi · 02/11/2022 10:55

I fell in love with a young woman and for so-called 'professional' reasons (complicated) she doesn't want to see me. But maybe it's because she knows I love her and doesn't feel right about seeing me in the circumstances although I wouldn't ask for anything more than a friendship that might be on offer - so the 'professional' reason is just dressing for the real motivation. How does anyone out there feel about a situation where they might consider a friendship but know the guy is pretty stuck on them? (Obviously, might also depend on how the guy conducts himself).

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 02/11/2022 10:59

There are so many variables. Why does it matter to you what other people would do in a nuanced, fictional situation?

Purpleavocado · 02/11/2022 11:02

It would make me feel uncomfortable to go on seeing the man. Contrary to films like Love Actually, to have someone obsessing over you like that, when you have no romantic or sexual interest in them, is not nice.

Marineboy67 · 02/11/2022 11:05

Your just going to be putting yourself through more pain continuing this as a friendship. You'll always be hoping and waiting for more, sooner or later she'll meet someone else and You'll be suffering again.
Unrequited love is the absolute worst pain, been there...you have to move on.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/11/2022 12:50

But maybe it's because she knows I love her and doesn't feel right about seeing me in the circumstances although I wouldn't ask for anything more than a friendship that might be on offer

Or maybe it's because she doesn't want a relationship with you. Or she worries that if you were friends you'd be pushing for more. She doesn't have to reciprocate your feelings in any way if she doesn't want to.

TheArtfulStodger · 02/11/2022 12:58

It would be wrong of you to try to force a friendship in this situation.

I've been on the receiving end of this, and it's uncomfortable, and once the guy ultimately shows himself to only be spending time with me because he feels some sort of claim or romantic attraction to me, it batters down my confidence and self worth - because why am I not able to have friends who like me for me, without an ulterior motive.

So do her a favour and walk away. It's not fair on her and you won't get over her any time soon if you're hanging on.

InsertPunHere · 02/11/2022 13:05

You are Thomas, she is Alison and you are both in Ghosts.

More seriously, GO AWAY. Good men respect women’s boundaries. Men who don’t are not good men, they have more red flags than a golf course. ⛳️

Numbat2022 · 02/11/2022 13:08

Nope. It's awkward and weird and you're not really friends with her because you like her, you just want to get in her pants.

I have experience of this and it's not nice.

bonzaitree · 02/11/2022 13:09

Just no.

AutumnScream · 02/11/2022 13:11

Op you need to seek help. She doesn't want you. She has told you not to contact her again leave her alone this is harassment.

Ekátn · 02/11/2022 13:20

She told you she doesn’t want to see you. That’s the end of it.

JauntyJinty · 02/11/2022 13:29

So either she has a legitmate professoinal reason to not want to see you, or she doesnt want to see you for her own reasons and has felt the need to give you an excuse?

Either way it's best to leave her alone

micedontpaint · 02/11/2022 13:45

I have stayed friends with guys who were in love with me but it did not last because they had to move on after realising it was never going to happen.

They were decent guys who never pressured me. It was a sad situation and I still miss one of them greatly but was not in love with him.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/11/2022 13:49

I fell in love with a young woman and for so-called 'professional' reasons (complicated) she doesn't want to see me.

She doesn't want to see you.
She doesn't owe you her company, & she doesn't owe you her reasons.

I'm sorry - it sucks - but when a woman says "no", you need to respect it, & stop looking for a 'get-out clause.'

You also need to stop trying to 'Rules Lawyer' her decision.
tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/RulesLawyer

It makes no odds if some random women on a forum could be friends with a man who was in love with them.
Suppose 200 of us had responded "it's fine, I can be friends in this situation" ?
How other women might handle this is not the way SHE wants to handle it.
It's concerning that you are looking for validation from 3rd parties instead of just accepting this woman's decision. Maybe she senses that - if she allowed you in her life - you would push her boundaries, & look for ways to make her decision invalid.

Avastmehearties · 02/11/2022 14:02

In my experience it doesn't tend to work out as a friendship however well you get on aside from their feelings. I have had some who've been awesome men, and conducted themselves perfectly, zero pressure or even bringing up their feelings and it's been a real shame not to be able to have them as friends. Some others have been more pushy.

Unfortunately, this situation causes pain and the woman in question is doing the right thing. It's quite a heavy thing to have hanging over a friendship and you're always aware of hurting them or leading them on. I recently had to let a valued male friend who had feelings know about my new boyfriend which wasn't nice for either of us. I think I did so tactfully. He knew i was dating and looking, but I haven't heard from him since.

Would you feel good hearing about her partner/ dates etc? I'm sure not. Just accept what she's decided as better in the long run. The point is that you don't really want friendship, you'd like more. She wouldn't. Professionally it sounds like it could get messy too.

If it was a long established friendship it might survive temporary feelings on one side but you can't start a new friendship where these are in place. Not a genuine and worthwhile one anyway.

Snugglemonkey · 02/11/2022 14:04

I don't think this would be a healthy, equally balanced relationship and so it would make me uncomfortable.

PearlclutchersInc · 02/11/2022 14:07

Curi · 02/11/2022 10:55

Too old for this malarkey these days but most women wouldn't because there'd always be a niggle in the back of the mind that you're just waiting for a chance and your actions would be motivated by self interest - read they wouldnt trust you.

TomTraubertsBlues · 02/11/2022 14:11

Are you trying to prove to her that her instinct is wrong and she should be friends with you, even though she'd rather not?

How about respecting her boundaries?

The fact that you don't respect this boundary makes me think you would continue to pressure her into considering a relationship. So she's made the right choice.

Namechangeforthis88 · 02/11/2022 14:11

Dripping in male entitlement.

She said no. She doesn't owe you anything. She doesn't need justify the no, it's a no. Leave it.

unsync · 02/11/2022 15:08

If he truly loves her, then he should respect her too. That respect would extend to listening to her wishes should she wish to be left alone.

JustAWeirdoWithNoName · 02/11/2022 16:05

Did you give her an expensive necklace? If so, that's a bit creepy

Mirrorcell · 02/11/2022 16:17

Are you suffering from Limerence? Is she actually a real friend or someone who you have become infatuated with. If it is limerance there is plenty of material explaining the chemicals causing your feelings and how to move on. If you have professional roles it may be worth accessing the material so you don’t overstep boundaries and possibly end up in trouble professionally.

Melonapplepear · 02/11/2022 16:20

Absolutely not.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 02/11/2022 16:20

Thank you for posting this. Gives me another thing to talk to my teenage sons about "how not to behave".

She said no. Listen to her.

OopsAnotherOne · 02/11/2022 16:31

Annnd I've found the other thread after just seeing the necklace one! Yeah, you overwhelmed her. No, she's not interested in you. Her reasons don't matter, she said no. Respect her boundaries.
As a woman, I don't like being friends with blokes who I know are into me as it makes me uncomfortable knowing that often they're just hanging around because they want to get into your pants. Sometimes they keep making hints and sexual jokes, completely ignoring the "no" I'd already stated.
At the end of the day, her reasoning isn't important at all. She doesn't want to see you. she doesn't want to speak to you, you MUST leave her alone and move on. She doesn't owe you anything, no matter how badly you want it and I'm afraid that's just life.

SlickShady · 02/11/2022 16:33

It's not love you just have a crush on her. Handily sort yourself out and move on.

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