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Original poster

Dating a man with 4 children

54 replies

Skittles2000 · 02/11/2022 09:23

Hey, just looking for experiences/advice etc

I’m a single mum of 2, been on my own for about 2 years now and I’m getting lonely.

I met a man online and we’ve been talking for a while. He was quite upfront about having 4 children who he has 50:50. Their ages range from 9-16.

He seems so lovely and isn’t phased by me having my DC 100% of the time with barely any contact from their dad.

Am I a fool to carry on exploring this?

OP posts:
BooThereItIs · 02/11/2022 09:25

Depends. Are they all from the same woman or has he 4 to different women?

You have 'baggage' in the form of kids yourself.

Can you see yourself merging households?

Original poster
Skittles2000 · 02/11/2022 09:28

All from the same woman, they were married and are now divorced.

I totally understand my own ‘baggage’ 😂 although I like to think that all the children are assets rather than baggage

I have no intentions to blend households etc for a very long time. I’ve made it clear to him that I’m not looking for a new dad for my DC, just someone to spend time with, have some intimacy in my life. Stuff like that.

I can feel myself getting in deeper with him though and wanted to know how it all worked out for other people 😊

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 02/11/2022 14:14

I have 4 and I think as you have kids yourself it doesn’t really matter how many he has as you both have children (The thing that would put me off is if they were from multiple women which you said they aren’t) 2 and no contact with their father is a lot and probably more of a big deal than 4 that he sees 50/50 if I’m being honest. Do you have a lot of family help to be able to date?

Original poster
Skittles2000 · 02/11/2022 15:16

I was thinking the same about mine being with me all the time so thank you. A lot of men have been put off by that, probably thinking I want a substitute dad for them or they will end up paying 🤦🏻‍♀️

It didn’t phase me until I told a friend and she seemed to think I’d lost my mind! I told her I’d rather date a man who values his responsibilities than one who leaves someone else to bring up his kids

My Mum is a godsend and will babysit and so will my ex-MIL, it was her who encouraged me to get myself back out there 😂

OP posts:
Babdoc · 02/11/2022 15:29

Surely a lot depends on the reason for his divorce? A man who walks out on a wife and four children is not a good prospect, or if his wife dumped him, what drove her to it? Was he an abuser, coercive controller, violent, addicted, a gambler, unfaithful…
I would also wonder if he is looking for a convenient girlfriend to help with childcare and chores when he has access.

SpinningFloppa · 02/11/2022 16:03

Babdoc · 02/11/2022 15:29

Surely a lot depends on the reason for his divorce? A man who walks out on a wife and four children is not a good prospect, or if his wife dumped him, what drove her to it? Was he an abuser, coercive controller, violent, addicted, a gambler, unfaithful…
I would also wonder if he is looking for a convenient girlfriend to help with childcare and chores when he has access.

All that would apply to a man with any number of children so unless she never dates a man with children then all that could apply and having 2 herself full time less likely she will meet a guy with no kids at all.

Babdoc · 02/11/2022 16:20

I think the number of children IS significant. A mother with four dependent kids is highly unlikely to leave her DH unless he is really appalling, because struggling alone with four is a very hard life, physically, financially and emotionally. And a man who abandons his wife with four kids is a shit until proven otherwise!

Preschool21321 · 02/11/2022 16:28

I understand what you’re saying but it doesn’t appear he has abandoned his ex wife with 4 kids alone. OP says he has them 50:50 so she’s not alone nor abandoned

Relationships sometimes run their course. I left my DH because I wanted more from life than a platonic relationship. We co parent well and I see him as a friend.

Neoma22 · 02/11/2022 16:47

I think it's great that you're being cautious at the talking stage. Been in a similar situation myself and was clueless. If I had the time over again I would want to know and be sure of certain facts and figures before you become too emotionally involved and invested. Obviously it's not an interrogation but questions and him sharing the facts/info with you over time. It may sound intrusive and cold but it could save you both and 6 kids potential heartbreak:

  1. the reasons for his divorce, how it was done, what their marriage was like and their parenting styles?
  2. how does he co parent with his ex, are their kids happy and secure?
  3. are their financial arrangements/agreements secure and stable?
  4. what is he looking for in a new relationship - similar to you?
  5. How does he feel about you?
  6. Can he afford the time, effort and money to be in the kind of relationship you both want?
  7. he's going to have almost 4 teens at the same time in a few years!!
BigFatLiar · 02/11/2022 16:54

Neoma22 · 02/11/2022 16:47

I think it's great that you're being cautious at the talking stage. Been in a similar situation myself and was clueless. If I had the time over again I would want to know and be sure of certain facts and figures before you become too emotionally involved and invested. Obviously it's not an interrogation but questions and him sharing the facts/info with you over time. It may sound intrusive and cold but it could save you both and 6 kids potential heartbreak:

  1. the reasons for his divorce, how it was done, what their marriage was like and their parenting styles?
  2. how does he co parent with his ex, are their kids happy and secure?
  3. are their financial arrangements/agreements secure and stable?
  4. what is he looking for in a new relationship - similar to you?
  5. How does he feel about you?
  6. Can he afford the time, effort and money to be in the kind of relationship you both want?
  7. he's going to have almost 4 teens at the same time in a few years!!

Of course he needs the answers to these from you as well after all you could be a mumsnet viper.

It's a lot of kids to cope with but if you're both looking mainly for some adult company then why not.

Original poster
Skittles2000 · 02/11/2022 17:05

Neoma22 · 02/11/2022 16:47

I think it's great that you're being cautious at the talking stage. Been in a similar situation myself and was clueless. If I had the time over again I would want to know and be sure of certain facts and figures before you become too emotionally involved and invested. Obviously it's not an interrogation but questions and him sharing the facts/info with you over time. It may sound intrusive and cold but it could save you both and 6 kids potential heartbreak:

  1. the reasons for his divorce, how it was done, what their marriage was like and their parenting styles?
  2. how does he co parent with his ex, are their kids happy and secure?
  3. are their financial arrangements/agreements secure and stable?
  4. what is he looking for in a new relationship - similar to you?
  5. How does he feel about you?
  6. Can he afford the time, effort and money to be in the kind of relationship you both want?
  7. he's going to have almost 4 teens at the same time in a few years!!

Thank you for this!

this is the point I’m at now. We’ve had nice conversations, seem to like the same things etc and I’m getting a bit too attached for my liking 😂

these are very good questions. Now to decide whether to interrogate him via text or face to face - not sure what will give me the best outcome really

OP posts:
Original poster
Skittles2000 · 02/11/2022 17:09

BigFatLiar · 02/11/2022 16:54

Of course he needs the answers to these from you as well after all you could be a mumsnet viper.

It's a lot of kids to cope with but if you're both looking mainly for some adult company then why not.

Show quote history

I totally agree and I’m ok with being upfront with him. 2 kids with an arsehole for a dad is always an appealing option either 😳

OP posts:
Rosenotred · 02/11/2022 17:17

Interesting views here. I'm not sure OP owes any man an explanation because she is looking after her kids and has sole custody... also OP is not in the MINORITY to be left holding the kids.

Speaking as a single mum..... of 1 child I don't think I automatically have to accept someone with 4 kids it's a lot tbh. Don't worry about merging households to the poster that suggested that question you have years.... and it may not even get that far.

It's nice to hear a man looking after his kids OP and if you like him I would persevere with things.

Muddpuddle · 02/11/2022 17:19

Babdoc · Today 16:20
I think the number of children IS significant. A mother with four dependent kids is highly unlikely to leave her DH unless he is really appalling, because struggling alone with four is a very hard life, physically, financially and emotionally. And a man who abandons his wife with four kids is a shit until proven otherwise

what this person said!

I’m a single mum of 4 ages 9-17 two are disabled, relationship broke down horrendously about 2/3 years ago, I was doing all the emotional work and life admin, medical care and housework, all nighttime care for both disabled children, the only break from it all was when I went to work.

My ex only takes two of the children out regularly and pays a pittance in maintenance and not every month either, and doesn’t have any children overnight.

It’s a hard decision to end a relationship with 4 children, I’d be cautious before starting dating any father of 4 before you know more as no mum makes a decision to leave and go it alone unless there’s serious reason to.

Itsbeenalongwhile · 02/11/2022 17:24

@Muddpuddle really sorry to read that. It sounds very tough for you. What you describe though is different to what the OP has in her post.

BigFatLiar · 02/11/2022 17:24

I'm not sure OP owes any man an explanation because she is looking after her kids and has sole custody...
She only owes the same as she expects from him.
A mother with four dependent kids is highly unlikely to leave her DH unless he is really appalling,
On mumsnet she'll be told to kick him out if he leaves the toilet seat up once.

NormaTheWife · 02/11/2022 17:33

You can talk and message all you want and he can say anything at all. Until you meet someone and see it IRL over time then it is all pie in the sky.

FloydPepper · 02/11/2022 17:41

Babdoc · 02/11/2022 16:20

I think the number of children IS significant. A mother with four dependent kids is highly unlikely to leave her DH unless he is really appalling, because struggling alone with four is a very hard life, physically, financially and emotionally. And a man who abandons his wife with four kids is a shit until proven otherwise!

Ffs really

hes a shit based on nothing other than the number of kids he has and he’s split up?

utterly ridiculous

BigFatLiar · 02/11/2022 18:25

FloydPepper · 02/11/2022 17:41

Ffs really

hes a shit based on nothing other than the number of kids he has and he’s split up?

utterly ridiculous

Show quote history

Even if the wife was to blame? Perhaps she was having an affair.

We know nothing about him really.

Weeboo · 02/11/2022 18:30

Nope.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 02/11/2022 18:34

Well dating someone who has their dc full time isn't appealing imo. Having 4 wouldn't put me off any more than having 2 would

Ameadowwalk · 02/11/2022 18:43

How long since he split with his wife? That would be one question.
Second, how much parenting did he do when DC were little and is he one of those men who goes for 50:50 when DC are bigger, having done next to nothing but because they don’t have to pay maintenance? Was the post-marriage division of assets fair in so far as the DC have comparable space at each home?
How does he talk about his ex? Respectfully? Or is she another crazy ex-wife?

I would find the answers to these questions probably more enlightening than the fact he has four DC, especially given the DC are not there half the time.

Then, how old are your DC? I also think if they are very young and there is an age gap between his and yours, I would be a bit wary. And then I would also be wary of an age gap between you and him, because you will be at different life stages.

I would just be wary as a single parent dating with young DC and go very slowly.

MzHz · 02/11/2022 18:44

So you haven’t actually met him?

slow the heck down woman! You don’t know him, you have nothing to go on apart from whatever he decides to tell you.

this is where this shit goes wrong, you’re future faking yourself! The relationship, none of it is real not until you have met him and spend proper time together and see him in all kinds of situations

Googlecanthelpme · 02/11/2022 18:44

All I can say is my DH has 4 children (2 are ours and 2 from his previous LTR).

he is an absolute gem. And if we should ever break up (I am very much hoping this will never be the case) then any woman would be lucky to have him. He is both an amazing person and a great dad.

we sometimes joke that no woman would want to date him with 4 kids but in all seriousness he is without doubt the best man I have ever known and it would be their loss for sure.

i wouldn’t judge a man for having 4 children, I would simply take them at face value and do all the due diligence I could do - the same process as dating any man, children or no children

Slig · 02/11/2022 18:52

Whoa there cowgirl!!!

Have you actually met him in real life??

All this talk of getting in deep is nuts if you haven't even met him.

Are you new to OLD?