Attempting a blended family - is this just a non starter?

[NCMum79]

Going NC for this, it's quite long so please forgive that

The background is, me (45) and DP (48) together for 2.5 years, we both have 1 DD each. His is almost 12, mine is 8. He is friends with his ex, seperated 5 years, live round the corner, they have coffee together etc, very cordial. Brought its own issues in the beginning e,g, she got upset at him finally moving on, natural I suppose. But is fine now. My ex it's acrimonious, he's an arse basically, we avoid talking besides obvious stuff around DD.

Anyway 2 years in we introduced the kids, v different personalities. His DD is quiet, now hormonal, won't speak to him about emotional issues and he avoids raising them as well. Mine is an outgoing chatter sort, being assessed for Autism because she struggles in social interactions, e.g. reading people, but getting better as she ages. Despite the differing personalities, they got on - I thought so anyway. We've done camping holidays together etc and not seen an argument between them. It was like this until the last time we got them together. His DD had recently started her period and was hormonal on the day, I mention this because it was mentioned to me as an issue. Anyway, my DD wanted 2 things to go her way, petty stuff like what packet of sweets to have, the first time his DD let her have it her way. The second time, before I could interject with my DD and tell her it wasn't right, DP told his DD to drop it. So my DD got her way again. This caused his DD to get in a very quiet mood. MY DD noticed and kept trying to talk to her, offered her the sweets back, but she kept walking away so DP went and had a word with her - she burst into tears, upset that my DD got her own way again. She was fine after a chat. Or so we thought. This all seems petty to describe but there's a reason for it.

We had already decided to blend households when that incident happened. Various reasons, we live enough of a distance apart that time can be an issue, financially it makes sense for us particularly now. Initially he told his ex, and she was upset. Then that was resolved. Then, he told his DD and she burst into tears, she wouldn't talk to him about it though. She did talk to her mum, and it was relayed that part of it was where we were thinking of moving (in the middle of where we both currently live, but that is 20 mins away from where they currently live near her all her mates) and partly my DD and specifically the day mentioned above.

Anyway, as a result of that, we decided it might help for me to move near where DP currently lives. His DD then gets to be near her pals and her mum. Since my DD doesn't currently live near her school or pals anyway, I figured a slightly longer drive to see them wouldn't make a big difference. This decision has taken about 6 weeks - in the meantime the DDs haven't seen each other. And his DD after being initially very upset has seemed fine. DP was about to tell his DD that we would move near her mum, hoping this would help, when the school called his ex yesterday and said his DD had burst into tears in class. IT came out that this is about the move but he doesn't know more than that. His ex told his DD about the change in move last night, but I don't know whether this has helped or not yet. The fact is if it's really that upsetting and it's about something we can't fix (like the location we're moving to) then we can't go ahead.

I guess I want a sounding board here. DP seems to think this all hinges on that one single day the DDs fell out. I personally think either she really hasn't been happy with my DD for all the months before and just hasn't said or it's something else, or lots of things?

The problem is the not-talking, and appearing fine for weeks. It's impossible to know if this is a fixable thing or not. I suggested he say to her that she can write it down and he'll read it when she leaves. He said he thinks it would be too much for him to even suggest this. So he will ask his ex to suggest it.

I guess I also look at the way they operate, which has only really become apparent over this issue - his DD not talking to him, but talking to her mum, who then relays the info to DP, but then DP can't say anything about it to his DD because he's not supposed to know. And - it seems pretty unworkable? It all gets marinated on for weeks and feels quite tense. DP and his ex are both like this as well. I guess me and my DD are pretty open characters. And I wonder - would we actually work as a blended unit anyway?

Part of me is thinking - we should just throw the towel in on it. And part of me is thinking that, from the adult POV, practically and financially this is actually a better situation for us all, and if it is fixable then it makes sense

FWIW my DD was excited about the prospect of us all moving in when I told her, so there isn't an issue there

Thoughts on this would be really welcome

I remember there was talk of moving house when I was around 13, I hated the thought. Regardless of the blending of your households I think it’s a very hard age it’s the edge of childhood of becoming a teen. Moving house is after all one of the most stressful things anyone can do.

Its not just the sweets at all and your partner is a bit daft to even think that but it sounds like he is putting himself and what he wants first.

Whilst some would say what a child wants should not dictate what happens, she won’t forget. I think blending families is ridiculously difficult so I suppose it depends how much work people want to put in.

Personally I wouldn't attempt it. I would want all children on board with it and behind the decision. In sitautions such as this, i do not think what the adults want should trump the wants of the children.

I wouldn't move in together. She is a child and deserves to be happy.

@xfan Er, no. How did you get that from what I said?

@PruSarne Yeah I think age definitely plays a part, and I agree that blending is very difficult, I came from one. I suppose it's as you say - weighing it all up and whether the upset is worth it vs the practicals.

You sound very sensible and your heart is in the right place. I think you’re starting to realise it might not be a good time to do it, the dynamic between the 3 of them sounds complicated and fraught and it’ll have much more of an impact on the you and DD if you’re under the same roof.

It’s sad for your hopes and plans but 12 can be a bastard of an age anyway never mind adding in such a big change and he runs the risk of her just not wanting to see him as much which leads you into potential scape goat territory.

It's very complicated blending families, l would imagine even harder with teenagers in the mix. I have teenagers myself and would not attempt it, for all our sakes. Maybe keep things as they are for now, there's no rush. Probably be a much smoother and easy experience when just the two of you to consider. If you still manage to see each other and spend quality time together l would enjoy that for now.

I read this book which described blending as a quick, aggressive process where you use blades and people get hurt. Think of how a blender works. It then used the analogy of slow cooking to very slowly, very carefully cook the components over time - then they will naturally blend without force.

Its quite wanky, I know. But 'blending' families takes years and years. Slow and steady wins the race.

DP seems to think this all hinges on that one single day the DDs fell out.

You want to move a bloke in with your daughter than is so clueless about his own daughter? Shes 12, going through the changes that girls that age do and her dad wants to make her live with a woman and child that she hardly knows. He has shown you how badly he deals with his own child, why give him access to yours? Why do people do this? Just because it makes things easier for you and him, this isn’t the best thing for your children.

Eh, what are you on?

Siblings squabble about dumb shit. If they had been brought up together then it would be a regular occurrence. If that incident was months into knowing your dd I suspect that his dd had felt that sibling annoyance before because it's inevitable when you spend lots of time with someone else. You can squabble but get along with your sibling.
While his dd doesn't have a sibling, she's probably experienced similar at school where she's spent lots of time with other kids.It is normal to be annoyed sometimes but her dad could discuss how she can deal with that better. For example she might want to sneak off to her room to listen to some music. It sounds like he's quite emotionally shut off and his dd probably knows that he has a head in sand approach so she does not tell him things. I wonder how much her dad's attitude has contributed to her anxious nature. Moving closer to mum and school is a big positive in paper and she should be able to talk to her dad about her worries- even if they seem insignificant to an adult.
I think that your parenting is incompatible. Your partner might be overwhelmed by your dd seeking emotional support when he doesn't even offer his dd any and you might find it difficult to talk about your DD's emotions when he hasn't a clue about his.

@xfan That’s really bitchy.

That was directed at @xfan btw.

Can you wait a year? I know you've been together for 2.5 years, but your DDs only met each other a few months ago (is that right?). So this seems very quick to them. Also if his DD is nearly 12, does that mean she's in year 7 and has just started secondary? That's a tricky transition time for most children, I think what you're suggesting may be one thing too many for her. Then there's the issue of the poor communication between DP and his DD.

I'd put the plan on hold for a year and see how things are then.

Personally I would hold off with the blended family. Why, because I wouldn’t want to “manage” a hormonal child who doesn’t want to change her life, whose mum isn’t helping. Ultimately it will be you at home whilst DP is out ……it will be you bring the wicked step mum who can’t do anything right for anyone. Why would you want to put your DD through it too - she doesn’t sound particularly close to your boyfriend.

leave it as it is. Few more years and you will have more freedom.

I agree with pp that your partner is likely to emotionally damage your dd too. She should be able to discuss emotions and living in a home where the man in sensitive to emotional chat could quash her confidence and developing emotional maturity. Worst case scenario would have her secretly talking to you about her feelings out of his earshot like his dd and her mum.
FWIW I think blending (and divorce) is easier when kids are younger. I know that some people believe in staying for the kids but my experience is that adults and teens tend to be the ones who are negatively affected.

Look at it from his dd perspective. She's been told there is a plan for you all to move in together. That was weeks ago. She expressed her unhappiness about that at the time. And it's just been hanging over her head ever since, until very recently she's been told it's still happening but in a different location. No wonder shes finally had a a meltdown, she probably felt like the sword of damocles was hanging over her head and her own dad wont have a straight conversation about it. If your dp is not prepared to sit down and talk to her, then how is he going to sort through the practicalities of the move with her? Let alone the emotional stuff.

He doesn't need to raise anything that her mum has told him (and way to go him, dropping the emotional labour on her mum there). He needs to sit down with his daughter, own his decisions and discuss the future with her. The issue isn't her, it's him not stepping up and being a parent. If she's not comfortable discussing it he needs to find a way to help her do that. At the moment all this is just dragging on, and prolonging her upset.

Also it might not all be about that one day, but from that his dd probably got a sense that she was likely to lose out when it comes down to it being her v your dd, and her own dad didn't back her up, but allowed your dd to have her own way twice. That unfairness will sting. Have there been any other incidents where your dd seems to get preferential treatment, even if it was reasonable in the circumstances because she's younger, for example, it will still leave his dd feeling like she's the second place child, and who would want to move into that scenario?

Maybe you should stop letting your DD get her own way and let his DD get what she wants too instead of making her do all the sacrificing and then to tell your Dd to stop talking at her when she isn’t in the mood.

Shes clearly not happy about the move if she’s at the point of bursting into tears at school. You all need to take a step back.

You said it better then me.

Her own dad didn’t back her up but made her give it up the second time.

Why didn’t you inject after and say no no, give it to his DD?

I agree with @katmarie that the day with the sweets could be more important than you think it is OP. It may seem petty to you, but kids that age are often very big on fairness. Think back to your own childhood - can you think of a situation when a parent or teacher treated you unfairly and you still remember it now?

I’d delay it for a couple of years. Could you move closer now as a first step?

Why not leave things as they are, if you’re meant to last you’ll last 10 years and then you can see

I am all for taking it slow. But I think you need to be consistent.

You took it slow introducing the kids. But then went, very quickly from them meeting to telling them you were all living into together. It’s too quick.

Plus his dd has seen her dad isn’t bothered about fairness. But bothered about prioritising your child. I am guessing he thinks this will impress you. But as a teen, she saw a glimpse of what it will be like. Him prioritising someone’s else’s child for appearance sake.

I am surprised you are getting such a hard time here as you seem a very considerate, thoughtful parent and potential step-parent to me. I don't think the disagreement between the girls is a big thing, it seems a very minor disagreement that has been allowed to take on more significance than it should have. I have an 11 year old and an older teen and this type of disagreement happens approximately once every half an hour in a very happy household. I don't think you need to write off the plan at all, but maybe take it slow, take the pressure right off and continue to let the girls mix naturally. Talk of it infrequently as a potential, but indefinite, plan for the future with no fixed date IF it works for everyone. Give it time. It sounds like the girls don't dislike each other so that's a great start, just let them bond naturally before you fix your plans. Good luck!

her dad wants to make her live with a woman and child that she hardly knows

You could say the same about the OP except it's a man she expects her child to live with.