Attempting a blended family - is this just a non starter?

[NCMum79]

Going NC for this, it's quite long so please forgive that

The background is, me (45) and DP (48) together for 2.5 years, we both have 1 DD each. His is almost 12, mine is 8. He is friends with his ex, seperated 5 years, live round the corner, they have coffee together etc, very cordial. Brought its own issues in the beginning e,g, she got upset at him finally moving on, natural I suppose. But is fine now. My ex it's acrimonious, he's an arse basically, we avoid talking besides obvious stuff around DD.

Anyway 2 years in we introduced the kids, v different personalities. His DD is quiet, now hormonal, won't speak to him about emotional issues and he avoids raising them as well. Mine is an outgoing chatter sort, being assessed for Autism because she struggles in social interactions, e.g. reading people, but getting better as she ages. Despite the differing personalities, they got on - I thought so anyway. We've done camping holidays together etc and not seen an argument between them. It was like this until the last time we got them together. His DD had recently started her period and was hormonal on the day, I mention this because it was mentioned to me as an issue. Anyway, my DD wanted 2 things to go her way, petty stuff like what packet of sweets to have, the first time his DD let her have it her way. The second time, before I could interject with my DD and tell her it wasn't right, DP told his DD to drop it. So my DD got her way again. This caused his DD to get in a very quiet mood. MY DD noticed and kept trying to talk to her, offered her the sweets back, but she kept walking away so DP went and had a word with her - she burst into tears, upset that my DD got her own way again. She was fine after a chat. Or so we thought. This all seems petty to describe but there's a reason for it.

We had already decided to blend households when that incident happened. Various reasons, we live enough of a distance apart that time can be an issue, financially it makes sense for us particularly now. Initially he told his ex, and she was upset. Then that was resolved. Then, he told his DD and she burst into tears, she wouldn't talk to him about it though. She did talk to her mum, and it was relayed that part of it was where we were thinking of moving (in the middle of where we both currently live, but that is 20 mins away from where they currently live near her all her mates) and partly my DD and specifically the day mentioned above.

Anyway, as a result of that, we decided it might help for me to move near where DP currently lives. His DD then gets to be near her pals and her mum. Since my DD doesn't currently live near her school or pals anyway, I figured a slightly longer drive to see them wouldn't make a big difference. This decision has taken about 6 weeks - in the meantime the DDs haven't seen each other. And his DD after being initially very upset has seemed fine. DP was about to tell his DD that we would move near her mum, hoping this would help, when the school called his ex yesterday and said his DD had burst into tears in class. IT came out that this is about the move but he doesn't know more than that. His ex told his DD about the change in move last night, but I don't know whether this has helped or not yet. The fact is if it's really that upsetting and it's about something we can't fix (like the location we're moving to) then we can't go ahead.

I guess I want a sounding board here. DP seems to think this all hinges on that one single day the DDs fell out. I personally think either she really hasn't been happy with my DD for all the months before and just hasn't said or it's something else, or lots of things?

The problem is the not-talking, and appearing fine for weeks. It's impossible to know if this is a fixable thing or not. I suggested he say to her that she can write it down and he'll read it when she leaves. He said he thinks it would be too much for him to even suggest this. So he will ask his ex to suggest it.

I guess I also look at the way they operate, which has only really become apparent over this issue - his DD not talking to him, but talking to her mum, who then relays the info to DP, but then DP can't say anything about it to his DD because he's not supposed to know. And - it seems pretty unworkable? It all gets marinated on for weeks and feels quite tense. DP and his ex are both like this as well. I guess me and my DD are pretty open characters. And I wonder - would we actually work as a blended unit anyway?

Part of me is thinking - we should just throw the towel in on it. And part of me is thinking that, from the adult POV, practically and financially this is actually a better situation for us all, and if it is fixable then it makes sense

FWIW my DD was excited about the prospect of us all moving in when I told her, so there isn't an issue there

Thoughts on this would be really welcome

Imo living together would be a you +dd versus him +dd. Not a great life..
I imagine his ex would get a lot of say in how YOUR household was run...

I think you just need to take it really slowly. The idea of moving close to where she lives is a good one, especially as, as you say, it doesn’t matter as much to your DD.

Can you involve her a bit more in the decision making? Take her to look at some houses, ask her opinion etc? And also spend some time together, both as the 4 of you but also just you, DP and DSD so she can get to know you a bit more? How much time does she spend at her dad’s? Is it 50/50? Is part of the problem also the idea of ‘sharing’ her dad with your DD, if he will be living with her when she’s not there?

We successfully blended our families 3 years ago but it was a slow process. The kids had all known each other for about 2 years by the time we started talking about it, we had been on holiday together and had lots of days out. The process inevitably took ages because we were selling 2 houses and buying one, so I think that helped them get used to the idea too. We also decided that me and my DC would move to where DH and his DC lived, to cause the least amount of disruption to their routine. In the end they could see the pros- bigger house with more space, we got s cat, let them choose paint colours/ furniture etc for their rooms, and it all worked out well.

We also made it clear to them that they could each have time alone just with their own parent whenever they wanted- now that they are all teens we tend to end up with a variety of combinations each weekend!

I was talking about it from his daughters point of view as it seems to be her that being made out the be the stumbling block. OP says her daughter is happy. But she’s 8. It’s naive. It’s a horrible thing to do to both children.

Blended families are madness. Kids being made to live with people they don’t know well to suit their parents wants.

Whilst it might have been a petty thing to you, the sweets-gate in his dd's head set a precedent - that both you and her DF are giving more weight to your dd. That must be a horrible thing to be looming over her.
I also have a chatty child with autism, and they can be very annoying and overbearing. She's probably used to her own space and all of these changes (at quite a hormonal time in her life) are really worrying her.
It's too soon to be blending anything OP.

We are 5 years in and haven't fully blended.
We maintain two homes. Costly but in reality works best for the kids. We have holidayed together (and separately), we have days out together and sometimes come together for family celebrations. sometimes i go there if he has his two and i don't have mine, he is here 3/4 nights a week some of which i have
Mine and some of which i don't. Both sets of kids get time with their 'own' parent without the other partner being there.

Other people I know have sort of crashed every one together and hoped for the best!

There isn't a rule book. And its hard. But if you are hesitating i would say pause for now and look at it in a year.

In your position, I would just ditch the moving in plan for now.

In 3 years when your DD is starting secondary school might be a good time to reconsider it as then you will be moving her school anyway and your DP's daughter will be 15 and a bit more independent and able to travel between houses more easily by bike/public transport if necessary

Could it be that because your Dp and his ex get along so well that their DD is still hoping they will get back together, and by you moving in together it cements the fact that it will never happen to her?

I think I would wait another couple of years at least so that your DD can mature a bit too, and they can get to know each other at a slower pace. I wouldn't want to live with someone I find annoying either, so I think you don't have much choice but to wait and see how relationships (all of them) develop.

You are massively rushing this - take a step back and stop it. 6 months is nothing for the girls and you are expecting far too much

FWIW my DD was excited about the prospect of us all moving in when I told her, so there isn't an issue there

Of course she is - she has been put into the role of the younger sibling for whom the older sibling has to bend around and you think that the other DD is being petty for having to put up with this?

FWIW my DD was excited about the prospect of us all moving in when I told her, so there isn't an issue there
Ime some children are good at saying what their parent wants to hear. Your dd loves you and knows that you love your partner so saying that it's exciting is the "right answer" - especially if you've been bigging up a new home, school and area. Girls with autism often learn that going along with the rest of the crowd is the way to bond. I'm not saying that your dd secretly doesn't want to move but if you are neutral about something but somebody else is excited then going along with being excited becomes a good idea because being happy feels good and she wants to please you (her mum) My guess is that she'd be happy staying put as well.

Me and my partner have moved in together after a few years with my daughter who is 6 and he has no children. We both had own houses but he moved into mine as it’s bigger. I am pregnant so helped us make the push but we had all been chatting about it for a while.

I’m lucky I think as my partner has been in my daughters life from a young age so they get on well and there were no kids on his side. It has it’s moments though and we have had a few “you can’t tell me what to do you aren’t my dad”. My daughter is cheeky and talks back. I back up my partner though who disciplines by taking away toys and treats when she is rude to him or me. I think it’s important that she respects all adults and it’s also important that you and the partner are tight and talk to each other. Same as in families with both parents, kids can try and divide. There are many lessons to learn in life and I don’t think it’s necessary to let children dictate your life entirely. We can show them that it’s ok to move on and carry on.

BUT and it’s a big but it needs to be with a person who is on the same page and willing to put in the work because it’s hard at times. You need to be tight, you can’t show too much weakness in your relationship. My daughter genuinely loves my partner now and occasionally she hates him and wishes he would go away forever but then she is 6 and a cheeky monkey. But she knows that she can’t get us to fight with each other, he isn’t going anywhere and we both have similar rules etc.

i think you need to take it slow. you have known your dp for 2,5years and only introduced the kids to partners 6month ago? thats too short a time period to expect blending to go smoothly. your daughter doesnt know your partner well. you all need to slow it right down and let everyone get to know each other better. personally, waiting 2years before introducing kids is in my opinion too long because if your kids dont like the partner or they dont get on, you have wasted 2 years.

Phew! Thanks for all your replies, it's really helped. I didn't want to put every detail in the initial post, so at the risk of dripfeeding -

Re time - the kids met about 7 or 8 months ago? We've had holidays together and done weekend things, but I suspect you're right - for children that's really no time at all.

I wouldn't say DP is clueless about his DD - he is very well meaning. But he is also very cautious since his DD began periods/being hormonal. She has changed, more secretive, less likely to talk (to either of them), and i'm not sure he really knows how to approach it. He also said if he talks, she shuts down more and that this is an issue overall, e.g. not just with him. The choice - for DDs mum to talk to her about issues rather than him seems to come from both parents? But really - i couldn't possibly say how accurate that is.

RE: the sweets incident that someone mentioned. Yep, to me that upset was probably 90% that her dad told her to give in to my DD. So it looks like favour. I was only paying half attention at the time so I didn't manage to stop it before DP had said it. I did interject after and tell my DD - no you already had your way, it's not right, and she went and offered them, but the damage was done, and at that point his DD wanted left alone. And re me saying it was 'petty'- I just meant this seemed like a small incident (to my adult eyes) at the time, I certainly do not consider his DDs feelings to be petty though

I definitely don't let my DD just get her way all the time, and i think re DP he just did what a lot of adults do, and cede to the younger child in a scenario. Looking back, it seems like such a small moment, but a bigger meaning - as is often with children - can be taken from it.

And yes I agree, my DD is younger, it would be naieve for me to assume it'd all be totally plainsailing with her. I guess it's as much as I could go on? And I appreciaite what a poster mentioned about autism in girls.

Anyway, this is all moot as I just got a text that DPs ex spoke to the school and it isn't good. Apparently his DD has the idea that her dad would choose me over her anyway. I'm horrified. This is absolutely not the case, but I can see why in hindsight she got that idea. She got upset about the move, and as far as she could tell, that was it. He didn't pursue the conversation, we decided to change where we moved but she didn't know it. What he did do was spent more quality time with her, but from her perspective - nothing about the move changed and as someone said it's been hanging over her. Her mum is going to try to speak to her tonight about what's going on for her, but honestly I agree with all of you, this really isn't something we should pursue. There are a lot of communication issues going on there, and a young girl struggling.

I think both your dp and his child have been holding out hope of a reconciliation.
His ex was upset - why?
His child is upset
From an outsider's POV there is still a lot of feeling between them and perhaps that things may work out.
That hope extinguished when you suggested moving in together, hence the huge upset.

IE Your dp's ex and his child are hoping - not your dp! Obviously

His dd sounds like she has quite a few problems, perhaps even with her mental health, but she doesn't sound like she is in a great place and the next few years test most parents - teen girls need a lot of support and understanding. You will be taking all of this on, perhaps also resentment as well.

I can see why you want to get on and enjoy living together, but it might be more trouble than it is worth at the moment.

@Kissingfrogs25 This situation aside, the thing with ex and feelings, yes it's cropped up more than once. There's been upset...to a degree...at each stage. And i've obviously questioned why. I think partly, they live round the corner, they're friends, it's the status quo? Ultimately whatever she has felt, she has also been very decent and principled. But yes, I think most kids hope their parents get back together, and since her parents are friends, probably even more so? The up part is that she has 2 parents who work pretty closely together

And yes I agree, now just really isn't the time

I guess I want a sounding board here. DP seems to think this all hinges on that one single day the DDs fell out. I personally think either she really hasn't been happy with my DD for all the months before and just hasn't said or it's something else, or lots of things?

The problem is the not-talking, and appearing fine for weeks. It's impossible to know if this is a fixable thing or not. I suggested he say to her that she can write it down and he'll read it when she leaves. He said he thinks it would be too much for him to even suggest this. So he will ask his ex to suggest it.

DP likes to avoid emotional topics & is happy to take a back seat when his DD is upset, & hand it all over to her mother.
DP won't even discuss his DD's upset with her & thinks it's "too much".
I think DP is a lousy parent.

Cohabitation making logistic & financial sense is not a good enough reason to do it. All that will happen is that DD would be miserable, DP would be useless, & you would be run ragged trying (& failing) to ameliorate everyone else's feelings.

She's just going to have to suck it up and realise that the whole world doesn't revolve around her because she bursts into tears.

I had 3 younger brothers growing up who the majority of the time did my head in and we all fought like cat and dog. That's normal sibling stuff. I think you've been reasonable considering her feelings and deciding to stay closer to her mum so she can still see her friends when she's at your house. You can't put your life and relationship on hold because of a stroppy teenager. I'm not saying completely disregard her feelings but they shouldn't rule your life decisions. Not sharing her feelings with her dad at that age is pretty normal. I think most teenager girls have conversations with their mums they wouldn't have with their dad. Plenty don't really share feelings with either parent and would rather confide in their mates or just sulk in their rooms. That's teenagers.

Things happen in life all the time, people move, relationships break down, things happen that we don't like. That's just life.

Go boil your head.

No, things like moving in with new partners that kids hardly know, don’t just ‘happen’, they are actions taken by parents because it suits them.

And this isn’t normal sibling stuff, because they’re not siblings.

AnotherCountryMummy

love what you said

op I’d slow down a lot
blending doesn’t mean immediately moving or major change for either child

the very idea of Blending my 12 and 14 your old makes me wince !
and it’s only been 2.5 years

I’d slow down

I also think that both children can be told
‘we arnt doing this yet
nothing is changing
we love you
but we are staying together and might revisit this a few years down the line ‘
is appropriate

early teen mental health issues are tricky as fuck

Let it go for now. If this is a relationship that is going to last the rest of your life, you can wait a few years to live together. It’s obvious she doesn’t want it to happen so your choices are either to do it anyway or pressure her (albeit in a round about way) to agree that it’s ok when it’s not.

@Thisisworsethananticpated Yep, our plan (haha, assuming interest rates aren't bonkers and we can both sell) was summer next year. So 8 months or so. I guess we naively thought that would be a year and a half of us all knowing each other and it was better to prepare them earlier? I like your suggestion of saying nothing changes but we might revisit in a few years, but tbh my dd will be going to high school in a few years and this plan we had would involve me relocating her. School and all. pre teen plus autism plus plus high school with none of your mates plus new home. I think really we need to consider living apart together (or whatever they call it) till the girls are grown.

Growing up with 3 borthers under the same roof is NOTHING LIKE having a new younger sister imposed on you, & having your dad favour that new child.

Shs hasn't asked for the whole world to revolve around her. She is allowed to express her upset. No doubt she's bursting into tears at school because she's unable to communicate with her emotionally avoidant dad.

Your response is unbelievably harsh to a 12 year old who's dad is putting his wish to move on ahead of his won child's feelings. Thank goodness for level headed, emotionally attuned OP, who seems to be considering this girl's wellbeing far more than her partner is.