Attempting a blended family - is this just a non starter?

[NCMum79]

Going NC for this, it's quite long so please forgive that

The background is, me (45) and DP (48) together for 2.5 years, we both have 1 DD each. His is almost 12, mine is 8. He is friends with his ex, seperated 5 years, live round the corner, they have coffee together etc, very cordial. Brought its own issues in the beginning e,g, she got upset at him finally moving on, natural I suppose. But is fine now. My ex it's acrimonious, he's an arse basically, we avoid talking besides obvious stuff around DD.

Anyway 2 years in we introduced the kids, v different personalities. His DD is quiet, now hormonal, won't speak to him about emotional issues and he avoids raising them as well. Mine is an outgoing chatter sort, being assessed for Autism because she struggles in social interactions, e.g. reading people, but getting better as she ages. Despite the differing personalities, they got on - I thought so anyway. We've done camping holidays together etc and not seen an argument between them. It was like this until the last time we got them together. His DD had recently started her period and was hormonal on the day, I mention this because it was mentioned to me as an issue. Anyway, my DD wanted 2 things to go her way, petty stuff like what packet of sweets to have, the first time his DD let her have it her way. The second time, before I could interject with my DD and tell her it wasn't right, DP told his DD to drop it. So my DD got her way again. This caused his DD to get in a very quiet mood. MY DD noticed and kept trying to talk to her, offered her the sweets back, but she kept walking away so DP went and had a word with her - she burst into tears, upset that my DD got her own way again. She was fine after a chat. Or so we thought. This all seems petty to describe but there's a reason for it.

We had already decided to blend households when that incident happened. Various reasons, we live enough of a distance apart that time can be an issue, financially it makes sense for us particularly now. Initially he told his ex, and she was upset. Then that was resolved. Then, he told his DD and she burst into tears, she wouldn't talk to him about it though. She did talk to her mum, and it was relayed that part of it was where we were thinking of moving (in the middle of where we both currently live, but that is 20 mins away from where they currently live near her all her mates) and partly my DD and specifically the day mentioned above.

Anyway, as a result of that, we decided it might help for me to move near where DP currently lives. His DD then gets to be near her pals and her mum. Since my DD doesn't currently live near her school or pals anyway, I figured a slightly longer drive to see them wouldn't make a big difference. This decision has taken about 6 weeks - in the meantime the DDs haven't seen each other. And his DD after being initially very upset has seemed fine. DP was about to tell his DD that we would move near her mum, hoping this would help, when the school called his ex yesterday and said his DD had burst into tears in class. IT came out that this is about the move but he doesn't know more than that. His ex told his DD about the change in move last night, but I don't know whether this has helped or not yet. The fact is if it's really that upsetting and it's about something we can't fix (like the location we're moving to) then we can't go ahead.

I guess I want a sounding board here. DP seems to think this all hinges on that one single day the DDs fell out. I personally think either she really hasn't been happy with my DD for all the months before and just hasn't said or it's something else, or lots of things?

The problem is the not-talking, and appearing fine for weeks. It's impossible to know if this is a fixable thing or not. I suggested he say to her that she can write it down and he'll read it when she leaves. He said he thinks it would be too much for him to even suggest this. So he will ask his ex to suggest it.

I guess I also look at the way they operate, which has only really become apparent over this issue - his DD not talking to him, but talking to her mum, who then relays the info to DP, but then DP can't say anything about it to his DD because he's not supposed to know. And - it seems pretty unworkable? It all gets marinated on for weeks and feels quite tense. DP and his ex are both like this as well. I guess me and my DD are pretty open characters. And I wonder - would we actually work as a blended unit anyway?

Part of me is thinking - we should just throw the towel in on it. And part of me is thinking that, from the adult POV, practically and financially this is actually a better situation for us all, and if it is fixable then it makes sense

FWIW my DD was excited about the prospect of us all moving in when I told her, so there isn't an issue there

Thoughts on this would be really welcome

Totally agree with the above. From the children’s point of view it’s gone from meeting each other for the first time to talk of living together within the space of six months. That’s a very short period of time for an absolutely huge upheaval.

It would be doing something that is 100% for the benefit of you and your partner, and 100% to the detriment of two young girls who have no choice in the matter.

So it's a pretty simple question of whose wishes you prioritise.

@KettrickenSmiled I feel I should say - he definitely doesn't favour my DD over his own. We've had a discussion this morning and are both of the same mind, that this is too much for his DD. Neither of us would ever barrel over the kids for our own preference. He is a decent person, even if quite incompetent at broaching emotional topics

NCMum79

good update

putting aside the kids (and yes their welfare is paramount ) living with two hormonal kids with emotional and asd issues is tough when they are your own (got two , and a LP)

blending could be a total nightmare
I really think for everyone a pause is optimal

i think he needs to not let his DDs gender be a barrier to engaging with her issues more sensitively

but this his issue and not yours

I suggest you hold off on moving in together and start talking about how you can work together in supporting the girls individually and as part of your family dynamic. I don’t expect you to start disciplining his DD and visa versa but your DP chastising his DD over of the behaviour of your DD is not on. I can totally understand why she had a problem with the actions of her father and she still smarts from the event. Does his DD understand that your DD struggles in certain situations but that you are helping her to overcome these difficulties? Does his DD know that both you and her father will support her when your DD is struggling? It sounds like your partner struggles with how he relates to his DD, he should be working with his Ex on strategies on how he can build a closer relationship with her.

Your DD’s are very different, which means you both need to tailor your approaches to meet their individual needs.

How much time does your DP's child spent with her dad vs her mum?

I presume because mum is nearby she must spend a reasonable amount of time with mum and so the blended part for her would be say 50%?

Also OP does your DD spend time with her dad?

I am wondering what the overlap between the 2 DDS looks like and whether a slow start to this could be your DP's DD spending time with him/ you without your DD.

I think DP is mistaken that this problem originates from that one tiff. I think his daughter has been under strain he didn't recognise ( because he doesn't talk about feelings) and reached a "final straw". poor kid

You need to pause all plans for moving closer/ blending families. If you go ahead both children will suffer and ultimately, split loyalties will wreck your relationship with DP.

If it's a worthwhile relationship, you can both bide your time and wait and see. Either, the children will adjust and grow a relationship with each other and you and DP, or they won't.

If the latter is the case then you won't have disrupted everyones lives and caused more pain.

You sound very sensible and it's good that you're deciding to let the children take the first priority here.

From an outsiders POV, it appears to me that DH doesn't take personal responsibility for any woman in his life. He delegates it to the women.

this was an example

"I suggested he say to her that she can write it down and he'll read it when she leaves. He said he thinks it would be too much for him to even suggest this. So he will ask his ex to suggest it."

His DD is not secretive; she talks to her mother and school. DP still relies on his ex to parent their child.

DP prefers to get the Reader's Digest condensed version of DC's life, second hand from his Ex, and the school, because then he doesn't have to engage direct . It lets him off the hook.

When he should have heard and backed DD over the sweets; he shut her down and left the solution to you.

He prefers YOU to move your home, .. so he didn;t have to disrupt his own cosy arrangement with Ex round the corner.

DP might not be an overt arse like your ex , but he is not going to be an easy man to live with.

A man who won't talk about feelings , won't step up to take responsibility, and expects a woman (even an ex wife) to manage family issues so he doesn't have to.

Just don't do it. His daughter has had her dad to herself, no matter how well the two girls get on she won't want to feel that she has to share.

Keep as you are un

Keep as you are until both kids are older

FWIW my DD was excited about the prospect of us all moving in when I told her, so there isn't an issue there

Your DD is 8. She can't even share sweets because she's
an only child used to having her own way . She has NOT A CLUE that "all of us moving in", would mean sharing her mother with two other people in ways she can't imagine.

The sweets are just the proverbial straw. There will have been a series of things that she perceived as the blending not considering her a priority. Thankfully you have acknowledged that she is not remotely ready for cohabitation.

I would be sure that blended time isn’t dominating the custodial time she gets with her dad. she should still get plenty of time with him without you and your daughter.

This kid is twelve, not two. She is left dangling and worrying about what’s going on and how it will affect her. Adults are deciding her fate for weeks and months and not keeping her in the loop. No wonder she’s stressed. Nobody’s talking WITH her. Treating her like she’s an invalid or stupid is absolutely one way to create divide. How about treat her with respect so that she feels included? Let her know that these are the ideas that have been thrown around and this was the conclusion because her feelings and needs were considered to be most important at the time?

Great advice. I also think as well as considering the child’s welfare you can’t have a 12 year old dictating your whole future !!!! I moved in with a widower and an 8 year old boy and he wasn’t happy - made my life hell. We have a brilliant relationship now - it’s taking the time to work in things. Move in and work in the girls friendship

Blended families cAn actually enhance peoples lives!!

Totally agree

so If a 12 year old gets to decide if her dad moves in with his girlfriend where will that end?! I’m speaking fro experience - it can be a positive rather than negative scenario

He gave the op's dd the sweets because she's 8, and his daughter is 12. By that age, a packet of sweets shouldn't be an issue. The sweets are just an argument about attention.
Blending this family is going to be an issue as the two children are at loggerheads already. There's going to be continued tension in this household if this moving-in goes ahead.

OP, I think he is a poor avoidant father who defers to his ex the heavy lifting of parenting.

With such poor parenting you cannot be surprised that the packet of sweets was an example to her of where she rates in his priorities.

The moving from her friends would have been a huge worry.

I don't think it is a good idea at all, even if it works financially, it doesn't work for the children.

IMO 7/8 is absolutely no time at all.

I think you have a big red flag waving at you regarding how he takes the easy road and avoids parenting his child.

It says so much about him that he leaves it all to his ex.

He reads as selfish and lazy unfortunately.

I hope it works out. For what it’s worth, you sound very sensitive and empathetic so it probably has a better chance than most. I think moving to your dp’s area so his dd doesn’t have to leave friends etc is a good call.

I often think I shouldn't have blended the kids. Though our lives were so grim at that point we didn't have much to loose. We were still the subject of DV and moving in with DP was much safer for us. That said it's been difficult as blending damaged kids is no recipe for success. Eight years on and only one now under 18 they are all fairly friendly and I'd go as far as to say supportive. My youngest is the most damaged and I'd say she really benefits the most from all her siblings.

Thought i'd best post an update. Last thing I said on here was we'd decided to leave it. Then DP went off and spoke to his ex, between them they decided that it was bad to set a precedent with their DD of just not doing things if she didn't like them. I said I thought this wasn't a good idea, but they're her parents so I couldn't stop them. Basically they worked it out between them all and the school, talked a lot to his DD. She said she felt happier after all this. In essence it seemed to boil down to the location, reassurance from her dad, and privacy.

It all seemed a bit simple to me, but before I could really think it over I got badly ill and a pet became gravely ill and had to be put down. It was a flipping horrendous week. Without too many details, in the midst of illness and going to the vets I get irritable at DP. He's trying to help but his 'help' isn't helping. He has a massive emotional reaction to it. Never seen him like that before. Of course, it's not actually about me being irritable.....he's hit his limit. I dig.... basically he thinks a few things about how his DD responded mean that she will try to avoid being there if we move, he's afraid of losing his relationship with her, and he also thinks we are losing 'Us' in this process. I said 'Why on earth did you push it at the time and get her to agree when I was advising you to think about what you were doing!?'. He said he just went into logical fixer mode and his feelings caught up with him in the days following.

I said it has to stop so obviously the move is off, his and my DD have both been told. Now his DD has told her mum that she feels responsible for it all. The entire thing has left me feeling drained and at times, bloody furious. This didn't need to happen

Amongst all this fallout, DPs ex bought him an early xmas present...I don't want to be outing, but it was the kind of present you give if you're someone's wife or mother. A caring present rather than romantic, but....still a bit....much?. This is besides the point of the move, and i've seen things like this before, like a strange enmeshed mothering situation there. But in this context and the whole series of events has had me really questioning things.

Also, sorry for not replying to people more individually. I'm starting to recognise what people were saying about DPs...inability,? to manage emotional stresses both in others or in himself. He is very well meaning, but...there is something in that.

Your concerns were legitimate OP and the positive is that you didn't make any practical moves.

Listen to your gut going forward.
Best wishes.