What does extreme jealousy feel like?

[Cherchezlaspice]

You read posts all the time about people managing uncontrollable jealousy or dealing with extremely jealous partners. Not being able to stop themselves from snooping and so on.

I’ve never felt anything like that and I can’t really imagine it. What’s that like? And do you think some people are just more naturally inclined towards jealousy? Or is it situational?

It's situational I think. I've only ever felt it mildly. First flush of romance, it's pretty normal to feel jealous of everything perhaps. If it goes beyond that, then that's a bit weird. It could be a fundamental issue in a person, which they wont overcome without proper help. Avoid those if you can.

I 100% thing some people are naturally inclined towards jealousy (though maybe as a product of their experience?).

I’m very rarely jealous, particularly in relationships. And I find it really hard to understand why some people are SO jealous. I have friends who are insanely jealous if eg. their partner talks to another women - I just don’t get it.

For what it’s worth, I’ve been cheated on in the past and I’m still not jealous in relationships. Not sure why!

I think people who are insanely jealous are almost always people who are illogical. It makes no sense to be jealous - if you think your partner is going to cheat then he's not worth your time anyway, so therefore who cares! If you get jealous of people with better lives than you, then what's the actual point in that? It doesn't improve your situation and in fact only makes you feel miserable.

Jealousy is a completely illogical emotion in my mind.

Same, on all counts. I find the idea strangely fascinating.

So, on the one hand, this is how I’ve always felt. On the other, that feels a bit unkind to people who do feel that way. The way it’s described sounds almost…visceral? Like they have an extra bit that I (and you) don’t have, or they’re missing a bit that we do?

Some of the posters sound like they desperately want to stop being so jealous and genuinely can’t help themselves. I’m wondering what that feels like. Hopefully someone can tell us.

See jealousy is something I've never, ever felt.

If I see someone eyeing up my husband I think "I know, he's hot!" - I'm not sure if it comes down to insecurity or something similar, but even when I was younger and totally insecure in a relationship, I never felt jealousy.

It's a weird emotion that I can't relate to on a normal day to day basis. I've felt envious of people and/or situations in the past, but never the slightest bit jealous.

I think it's situational and innate.

I very rarely experience jealousy and really struggle to understand some of the comments i

Maybe you're right - there are certainly some people who do want to stop feeling that way, yet just can't stop themselves - but surely that in itself is illogical . I suppose I equate it with my husband who claims he 'has no willpower', as if the rest of us have something magical that means we don't sit and scoff a whole chocolate bar in one sitting, or spend money on unnecessary shop bought coffees etc, whereas for him it's just not possible as he 'has no willpower'. Illogical! If you don't want to eat the chocolate, just don't eat it! If you don't want to waste money on unnecessary things (when you know you are doing so!) - don't waste the money! I'm not saying it's easy, but I definitely think it's possible to train ourselves to change our reactions to situations, otherwise CBT wouldn't exist.

I'm also not saying it's a fault or something missing etc but just that I think the jealousy emotion is one that is really highly correlated to people who are less logical.

...I read on here. I remember one from years ago where this woman was fuming because she'd realised her husband wanked behind her back. I could not ever conceive of being that insecure in a relationship.

That said, I did date one man who made me feel irrationally jealous and I admit to a bit of snooping around and a few little moods if I saw him get too engaged in conversation with another woman.

The snooping made me feel wretched and a bit soiled so would never do that again. Feeling insecure all the time was horrid too. It's so much better dating someone you don't feel like that about.

Apparently sexual jealousy around your significant other is instinctual. Its so that we guard our mates.

I can't say I have ever has the Green Eyed Monster but I could imagine extreme circumstances when I would.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_jealousy

Are you me?! The ‘no willpower’ and ‘I can’t help myself’ stance is another one that utterly baffles me. Like, what does that even MEAN?! If you want to stop doing something, you stop doing it!

I try to be sympathetic, but I really don’t get that, either.

What do you think it was about that specific relationship that made you feel that way?

Jealousy has made me feel homicidal at times.

Are you me?! The ‘no willpower’ and ‘I can’t help myself’ stance is another one that utterly baffles me. Like, what does that even MEAN?! If you want to stop doing something, you stop doing it!

Are you like this with everything? You don't understand addiction, binge eating, biting nails, anything? Compulsion is very common. Is everything for you 'meh' or do you feel passionately drawn to anything?

That’s one of the theories, yes. I personally think most evo psych is nonsense, to be honest.

Goodness, that sounds hard to deal with. May I ask what triggered it and how it felt? Did you learn to manage it?

Is it possible you thought he had higher mate value than you? That's what can make both men and women insecure. If your partner attracts lots of attention and you can see they have a lot of options, it can trigger sexual jealousy. Unless you are very secure in your partners love and attachment for you, any insecurity around a high value partner (like they seem less invested than you) could trigger feelings of jealousy.

I've wondered that myself over the years. It was a head over heels love at first sight type thing, very dramatic, very shaky at times, lots of emotions and fights etc. I was early to mid twenties and it hit me like a train so I wonder if it was more me becoming obsessed with someone. It wasn't a particularly healthy relationship.

I remember one time being spitting mad because he lit someone's cigarette even though normally, I wouldn't even class a drunken snog as cheating.

Fortunately, I was aware that it wasn't usual or rational so did keep a lid on it or laugh at myself, mostly.

It was weird and unpleasant, definitely. I'm happier at the other end of the spectrum, even if people sometimes say I'm a bit too laid back.

@Geppili I don't think its nonsense, I think we are much more like other similar mammals in our behavior patterns than we want to admit.

I’m hugely passionate about a lot of things. Not, meh, at all. However, the inability to control myself or stop doing something? No, not since I was a teenager.

I think it’s interesting that you conflate a lack of uncontrollable compulsion with being ‘meh’.

I think it’s interesting that you conflate a lack of uncontrollable compulsion with being ‘meh’.

No, I'm conflating a total lack of being able to understand the compulsion with being 'meh'. I can understand heroin addiction, it doesn't BAFFLE me. Doesn't mean I'm joining in.

Almost anything can be compulsive. You just apply the understanding of one situation to another.

It felt absolutely awful. Like being full of poison and vitriol. It felt like my existence was being threatened and I needed to do almost all I could to survive. I associate it with my diagnosis of PMDD. As a young woman, each month I would be rocked by my menstrual cycle and I realise often the jealousy peaked premenstrually.

Having said that, pre puberty, I was jealous of my many younger siblings. There was bitter competition for the odd stale crumb of attention our mother would toss our way. Our narcissistic and abusive mother would encourage jealousy and pecking orders and favourites between us, in order to control us. It was a morally bankrupt upbringing.

Alrighty. Then I think it’s interesting that you conflate a lack of understanding uncontrollable compulsion with being ‘meh’. I don’t.

Thank you for your contribution.

You poor thing. It does sound like a youthful obsession. I’m glad you got through it to the other side.

Thank you for your contribution.

Ooooooo snippy.