What does extreme jealousy feel like?

[Cherchezlaspice]

You read posts all the time about people managing uncontrollable jealousy or dealing with extremely jealous partners. Not being able to stop themselves from snooping and so on.

I’ve never felt anything like that and I can’t really imagine it. What’s that like? And do you think some people are just more naturally inclined towards jealousy? Or is it situational?

Whereas yours is an ‘objective’ finely tuned instrument? Sure.

I think there are two different kinds of jealousy that stem from either 'nature' or 'nurture'. Circumstantial jealousy, like other posters have mentioned, comes from feeling insecure in relationships or yourself or perhaps from the way you were raised and can be managed. I also think there is completely illogical inherent jealousy that can be dangerous and destructive and compulsive in the sense that it stems from conditions caused by chemical imbalances. I can sympathise with both.

I've been furiously jealous in relationships where I felt like I didn't know where I stood and I've also been completely free of jealousy and almost enjoyed the attention my partner received when I knew our relationship was strong and healthy and there was no real threat to it.

I think a couple of people (not you) are being quite unpleasant, but it’s not a massive deal. It’s an MN thread, I have the luxury of not engaging.

Also, I'd argue there is always a reason behind what other people perceive to be poor willpower.I have ADHD and therefore lower levels of dopamine which can mean I'm very impulsive because I'm constantly chasing gratification - it's something I manage a lot better with medication and trying to put certain "rules" in place (e.g. wait 48 hours before spending X amount on this, don't commit to this right away etc.) but it's hard.

The differentiation is an interesting point. Different kinds stemming from different places. It’s also on line with what some posters have described upthread.

Can I ask how you felt when you were furiously jealous? If you can remember the specific feeling, is it something that you’re able to describe?

It was like a relentless cycle from boiling hot rage to icy cold disgust & detachment to teary panicky anxiousness - sometimes in a matter of minutes. That was 10 years ago and I've never felt anything like it since so I hope/assume it was a combination of learned behaviours, a toxic relationship and being mentally unwell partially due to a bad reaction to birth control and having PMDD.

We all have the luxury throughout our lives of not engaging with passive aggressiveness.

That does sound horrific. Glad you got through it and it hadn’t happened again. Thank you for sharing.

Im jealous
now I'm
older and wiser (!) I get it and get how illogical it is . I do not like it

how does it feel ?
like red hot wave
and my heart beats

what I do ? React !

what triggers it ?
comments I take negatively
online
their exes
seeing them enjoy talking with a pretty woman
even watching hot women on TV

I think it both a tendency and situational.

I think based on fear of losing something/someone. I was very jealous when first dating my now DH. I didn’t want to own or control him. We lived in different places. I tried very very hard not to express or let it affect me but it was very difficult balancing that with being in love and both being out and about with potential to meet others.

You can say if you don’t trust him, he’s not worth it, but that doesn’t change how you feel when you do trust him as much as you can trust anyone in that situation.

I still feel it a bit if he going out with a group, getting drunk, staying overnight somewhere. I trust him as much as could anyone. However it feels like my security/heart is at risk, if he did start fancying someone/snogged etc I’d just be so hurt.

I think if someone says they can trust someone totally they are kidding themselves.

It feels like a horrible surge inside. I hate it

I think if someone says they can trust someone totally they are kidding themselves

Nobody can 100% trust another person. Everyone and anyone can behave unpredictably. But having your own back is crucial, so that if someone does happen to let you down, you have your own support.

You can say if you don’t trust him, he’s not worth it, but that doesn’t change how you feel when you do trust him as much as you can trust anyone in that situation

The relationship still needs looking into, and potentially discarding, if you are incapable of trust, regardless of his guilt/innocence. So, if you don't trust him because you don't feel you can adequately trust anybody, then 'If you don't trust him, it's not worth having the relationship' is true, and not because he can't be trusted.

I think jealously has a fine line between hate and pure idolisation.
My SIL is particularly jealous, I think she is bothered by the fact I'm married to her lovely brother (if I do say so myself he's a wonderful caring man) and her husband is a bit of a waster. She goes from wanting to be our best friends one day, to trying to our do us in anyway possible the next.

I have felt jealously growing up, but I think it can only stem from insecurity and having the time to give thought to whatever it is that you perceive someone else having better/more than you.

Attachment theory might help you understand what lies behind some of the drives you don't feel, OP. (I'm always banging on about it on here so apologies if people have read it before). We all have needs and require self esteem and love and security - but we all meet those needs through different behaviours.

Our cortisol and dopamine and vagus nerve and all the other bits of our mind/body nexus are shaped by childhood and environment the way our fingerprints are shaped by the environment in the womb.

If you don't feel jealous of others you maybe have a more secure attachment style, your system is not primed for anxiety or to overreact to the threat of loss.

If you can't see why someone would eat too much chocolate, you don't have a system that is primed to need self soothing in that particular way.

It's all fascinating the more you look at it.

I’m aware of attachment theory, but I’ve never read up on it. I’ll have a look. Thanks for the rec!

I'm not a massively jealous person anymore, but I used to deal with retroactive jealousy, aka jealousy about a person's past. It was wild.

I had it BAD during my first serious relationship, he had had a previous serious relationship of a year or two, I had had a few boyfriends of 3-8m so I was really burned up by the idea that he had loved someone else, been intimate with them, what they'd shared. Bear in mind we were late teens so everything is more intense.

It was so bad the smallest thing would set me off, a lot of my life was burned up with feeling sick at the thought of him having been with someone else before me. I felt like I hated the girl. I would ask him questions like if you walked past her house on fire would you stop and help. Once we were watching a film and I asked if he'd seen it before and he said yes and it was with his ex and I couldn't continue watching. We once went bowling with friends and one of his mentioned the time something funny had happened when they'd been with his ex and I left, it hurt me that much. I would resent people who shared the same name as her. If a character on TV had her name, I would feel sick and have to turn it off.

It was wholly irrational and incredibly destructive, it caused me so much misery.

Once I grew a bit older and had more relationships the retroactive jealousy totally dissipated. I think it was once I'd got some serious relationships under my belt I didn't feel inferior anymore as I had an equal past if that makes sense? One of my boyfriends had slept with 100+ women before me and it didn't bother me in the slightest, we'd run into an ex FWB out and about and they'd say hello and hug and I'd just be like oh nice to meet you. My husband obviously had exes before me and I feel nothing about it, if we ran into one I'm sure he'd stop and say hello like we have when we bump into an ex of mine and have a chitchat and move on. Having said that DH has major retroactive jealousy and I feel for him as I know what it's like. He would at times vomit when we started dating thinking about me with another man before him. To this day I have no contact with exes or even friends I slept with briefly because of the impact on him. It's such a destructive feeling and you can certainly work on it (we have psychology books and all sorts) but it's hard to shift.