3 months without hubby devastated

[Mollylegs]

Hi, my husband(married 16 years)who I have been with for 21 years left me 12 weeks ago on Thursday. I feel totally useless as another friend has told me that by now I shouldn"t still be crying probably most days, I have commented on this about 6 weeks ago as I was getting the same from my MIL. We have an 18 year old son together, it was my husband who wanted to end the marriage not myself and I still feel like the bottom has dropped out of my world. It seems like he hates me, I really feel that from him, I do need to text him sometimes if it's about our son but he will only reply with a one word answer if he can, I feel like he can't even be civil to me just sending a text. I had messaged him last Thursday as I needed to know exactly what DD come out of his bank account as I am trying to see if I can afford to carry on living in our home. I got a reply saying he wasn't going to tell me on that day as he said he had lots of his own shit going wrong. I messaged him back asking if he was ok and did he want to talk about it, I was thinking maybe he was having a crap time with work, I said to him we were always best friends and did he want to mull it over with me to see if I could help him. To which I have had no reply, I can't understand why he can't even just be kind, I had to message him today about christmas day as I know my son is already worried about what's going to happen. I can see his parents house out of my sons bedroom window so they're very close by. For the last 18 years we have always gone for christmas dinner so I have told my son to still go to his grandmas as his dad is going for dinner too. I had the same response today, just rude and abrupt. I am still heartbroken, I cry most days and try to hide it from my son but sometimes I can't hide it, I am agrophobic unless I'm with someone else, so I rarely go anywhere, I'm not eating or sleeping properly and maybe my friend is right, maybe I need to just be over it by now but for just about 21 years i've loved him to bits and I still feel so heartbroken. I can'e see myself getting to a point when I won't be in tears about him. He was brought up about 25 miles or so away from where we live now and had started going back out drinking up there with his old school friends and since then everything just fell apart. He had the chance of renting a new build a 15 minute walk away from where me and my son live now but instead he chose to go back to where his mates live 25 miles away. I asked him how he could do that to our son, for our son to get to where he's now renting would take 3 buses as it's not easy to get to, if he had rented the new house for exactly the same money a month then our son could have walked to see him whenever he felt like it. I think this was so unfair of my husband. Like I said earlier it's like he hates me now but I can't understand how given the choice it seems living further away next to his mates is better than being able to see his son regularly. I wish I had hatred for him as then I wouldn't be crying everyday. Am I being stupid for still missing him so much that it seems to physically hurt or is 12 weeks still ok to feel raw?

Sorry you are going through this OP. He doesn't sound very nice at all. Probably time will reveal that him leaving was good riddance for you. Time is a great healer and wishing you well

You can cry as much and as often as you like. Don't listen to your friend. I'm so sorry op.

There's no law about how long you're allowed to grieve, OP. I'm sorry you're still suffering so much, but there's nothing odd about it. In fact his hostile and erratic behaviour is making things much worse for you and DS, which adds to your distress.

It sounds as if he's making a mess of his own life, and taking it out and you and his son, which is unforgiveable.

Horrible though he is, I completely understand that you have loved him for many years, and you can't just throw those deep feelings away like a used tissue. I wish I or anyone could help, but all I can do is sympathise with you. I hope your friends are rallying round. Eventually even the worst pain wears off.

Meanwhile, I hope you are getting good advice about practical matters caused by his departure, such as divorce. Don't let him use your unhappiness against you, as he may try to push things through against your and DS's interests while you are feeling too broken to defend yourself. Make sure you have a good lawyer who will defend you, and get advice from experienced people -- including on the Divorce/Separation or Legal Matters boards on Mumsnet.

Best of luck, OP.

Hi OP. Take no notice of people telling you you should be over it by now. I’m over 4 years separated and it’s only in the last 6 months where I’ve started to even remotely feel positive and normal again. I always remember someone saying to me that you can’t climb over grief, you have to go through it to get out the other side. I wish you well xx

This is awful for you. You will be okay in time. An OW will prob emerge I expect - so sorry.

I would recommend a good lawyer and then you can get what you are entitled to.

Anyone telling you that you shouldn't still be feeling upset/ crying after 12 weeks is an idiot you need to ignore. This is a huge trauma. Everyone copes with things differently. Take one day at a time and gradually, very gradually it will get better. 💐

I really feel it for you. I'm so sorry.

You need better friends lovely, though appreciate that’s not helpful. I am in a very similar situation, husband of 23 years having an affair - fucked right off without a backwards glance, moved in with the affair partner (15years younger than me) 150 miles away. He’s been gone 10/11 weeks?

My son is an amazing support (similar age to yours) and has no time for his dad due to his behaviour. I’ve tried to keep my upset from him but that’s not always been possible.

Like you I’m devastated. I thought we were happy, we were making plans for downsizing and travelling a bit once youngest was at uni, we were still together in every sense of the word and in moments he’d taken everything from me. The person I loved, my family, my future and my security, gone. It’s shit. I cry regularly and I just feel sad, I can’t reconcile the person I thought I knew with the callous prick he’s being now, the man I loved, who I thought shared similar values, who had integrity and morals has behaved like he has.

I’ll probably get judged for saying this but I wish he’d died. Now it just feels like I’m mourning someone who is still sadly walking around.

I’m having text communication around the divorce and the kids (birthdays and Christmas) but I’ve put boundaries in, I don’t need texts from him as I’m going to bed for example, so I block his number in the evening. I think you need to stop texting him beyond the basics, he’s not your friend, so what if he’s having a bad day?

I’m also having CBT - my whole world has imploded. I can’t manage this by myself and I need ways to manage my emotions and feelings when they spiral out of control, can you contact your GP?

In terms of Christmas, what does your son want to do? Can you have a lovely breakfast with him then he comes back after lunch?

Its ok to be upset, it’s ok to cry, anyone that tells you differently can fuck off, it’s hideous, it’s painful and you’re grieving for the life you had and the future you thought you had.

Huge love to you x

You won't be over it that quickly, that's not a supportive friend. However I do think you are finding ways to stay in contact. Your son is old enough to contact his dad directly, he is also old enough to learn to drive. Perhaps his dad could help with driving lessons? Get your son to ask him.
There's no need for the hostility and rudeness but that's the way he's being so only contact him if it's about the divorce. Huge hugs, I really feel for you

Your feelings are exactly that. Devastated etc.
There is no need to communicate with your ex when your son is 18. Do not text, take a step back and look after yourself first

Oh and look for the other woman probably

As others have said, you need to stop contacting him . Your son is old enough to make his own arrangements to see his Dad .
Once my DC were 16/17 I left it up to them to make arrangements.

Your grieving the loss of your best friend and DH. Take as long as you want. But I promise you you will come out the other end and you will smile again.
good luck.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this and please don't be thinking you should be 'over it' by now. Of course, you're grieving the loss of your marriage, way of life, love and support. You cry as often as you want.

On a practical level, if ExH is not helping you sort out finances and you're struggling, it's time to stop asking him informally but to go for proper legal advice. It's heartbreaking, I know, but at least if you're armed with all the professional advice, you will be better able to cope on a practical and financial level.

This might sound harsh and many may not agree, but with your son being 18 and essentially an adult, I'd leave all the communication and arrangements to them.

Ex has made it very clear he has no interest in communicating with you about anything practical, family or emotional so I'd just stop trying to message him. It's only upsetting you more and getting you nowhere, I'm afraid

You can't switch off emotions and there's no set times that you are allowed to cry for.

I'm sure your friend is trying to help and has your best interests at heart, but it may be that you need someone more experienced to support you through this, like a counsellor. Do you see anyone about your agoraphobia?

It may help you if you are able to set aside your worries and anger around your husband's relationship with your son and move away from him. At 18, your son is not a small child and is able to facilitate his own relationship with his dad and you don't need to be responsible for that, for the practicalities around visits and contact or communication.

I'd also echo pp's comments around not trying to be supportive or remain a friend to your dh. In time maybe that can come, but right now he has hurt you and you don't need to be a friend to him. Set some barriers (block him on your phone if you need to, or between certain times) to protect yourself.

Christmas is just under 2 months away. A nice breakfast with your son, him visiting his grandparents and then returning to watch a film or something with you sounds nice. Do you have someone else to go to for dinner while your son is with his grandparents (and dad)?

What other friendships and family and activities do you have and can you cultivate? How you feel now won't be how you feel forever.

All the best, OP.

I’m very sorry Op. however your friend is kind of right. Not in that you should be ‘ over it by now” but you do need to pull yourself together, And you absolutely can, I promise.You need to stop crying over him. This will take some actual conscious effort on your part. Don’t allow it. Direct your thoughts, keep busy , don’t torture yourself . Don’t think of him, don’t daydream , don’t go over different scenarios in your head, don’t rehash old conversations, don’t look at old photos , old cards, don’t play old messages to hear his voice . I think you are stuck in this stage of your grief for your relationship and old life, understandably! you need to move onto the next stage. Find your anger, it’s definitely there somewhere !! He’s treated you badly , very badly. Don’t contact him any more, at all, all that does is prolong the pain and gives him another opportunity to make you feel shit. It’s really really difficult when they have a complete personality change , but it’s a thing, they do, he’s not the same person anymore. I really am sorry , but you will
come out the other side of this, you will be ok. Get the rage. Fake it till you make it, “ john who?? Oh that old fucker, did me a favour really” practice till you mean it. 💐💐

Good grief. 12 weeks is no time.

Someone once told me it can take 1 month per year together to start to feel right after a break-up. For your that would be nearly 2 years. So 12 weeks is nothing.

Agree with others - leave contact arrangements to your son. And if his dad doesn't contact him - well he's not been covering himself in glory recently has he?

Make contact with a solicitor to put the legal side in motion - that way you'll feel in control of the situation - even if it's finding out the process.

Are you receiving treatment for your agoraphobia ? Maybe worth contacting the GP to see what help they can offer

I am in exactly the same position. Husband left nearly 4 months ago now claiming to be 'unhappy'. He turned in to a different person overnight and was awful to me for 3 months before he finally went. Turns out there was indeed another woman who he is still with now. I am utterly devastated and completely understand how you feel. Every day is a struggle to get to bed time and at the moment I just can't ever see a time where I will feel better. He has moved on as if I meant nothing to him

You are grieving and you need to be allowed to do that, don't hide it from anyone. Someone once told me it takes roughly a month for every year you were together to finally come to terms with the breakdown of a relationship and i think that is about right. Set yourself a small goal everyday and try your best to reach that goal. After Christmas is out of the way start a diary and in it write 3 positive things every day, just small everyday details, first snowdrop, lovely chat with a friend, a snow flurry, whatever makes you smile.
Don't text your Husband, you are just hurting yourself, give him a chance to miss you. Your son is an adult, he can text his father if and when he wants to.
Please try and get some help with your agrophobia.

Hello to everyone that has taken the time to reply, I didn't expect to get that many replies. I think the most common thing people are saying are probably true in as I should stop texting him. I find it so hard just not speaking to him. He normally takes his lunch at the same time every day and I would say for the last 10 years always rings me on his break, so now apart from him leaving our family home I still find it hard waiting for that phone call that doesn't come. It still kills me everyday when he doesn't want to ring me. I was in a situation where we were going to build an extension and he was even getting quotes for moving the drains and such. Our son is more kind of 15 years old in his mind and the way he acts so because I'm the one left here I have to take all the shit as his dad isn't bothering with hum, not a text or a phone call, just anything to let him know his dad still loves him so much but it's just not coming. A few people have mentioned family, I don't have anyone, I also don't have any friends where I live. The one friend I did have from when my son went to school has moved away now. Apart from my son, who is my lifeline I genuinely don't have friends. I dpn't sleep well or eat well, I also think if I didn't try to intervene with his dad asking if he was going to see our son. Until last Saturday he hadn't seen him for 2 days short of 4 week he doesn't text him or ring him either so I'm just trying to do it for our sons sake. I feel so lost and with no support it's quite hard. I have been put on a list for a councillor but the waiting list is 8 months long. My son and my life revolved around my boy and his dad, well he's gone now to be nice and civil but even any of his texts in reply to a question make me feel like i'm nothing like a bit of shit stuck to his shoe, and that hurts as I have loved him to pieces for 21 years. I'm sorry that I don't know how to reply to people personally, I'm no good with technology, thank you for listening to me being lost and taking the time to reply xxx

I think most women who have had their husbands leave find the same thing- they suddenly switch and become uncaring and it’s is usually because they have another women in the wings.
My husband acted the same, and the best thing I did was to cut communication and got counselling and it sounds like you and your son could benefit from seeing a therapist.
But please do not contact your hubs, he is not your friend.

So sorry OP - my husband of 10 years - together 20 left abruptly around the same time - leaving me with 3 small children - all age 6 and under.

I too struggle with the end of communication- like you say a switch has been flipped. He won't reply in anything more than 1 word messages, won't engage, he won't even tell me where he is living.
I'm not crying over him though. I have too much to keep going with my children being very young.

I'm being strict with myself now about not talking to him. I'm also gradually making a life without him - changing things in the house, looking to start new hobbies, reconnecting with old friends

How can a man leave his tiny children, @singlemomof3 . I just don't get it. Just how can they live with themselves.

Ignore your so called friend and MIL. You have had lucky escape.

Go get your hair down, buy lots of new clothes and shoes, box his stuff up and leave outside then, go out with nice friends and have some fun.

Won't solve anything but you will feel better. Life beyond this is in grasping distance.