3 months without hubby devastated

[Mollylegs]

Hi, my husband(married 16 years)who I have been with for 21 years left me 12 weeks ago on Thursday. I feel totally useless as another friend has told me that by now I shouldn"t still be crying probably most days, I have commented on this about 6 weeks ago as I was getting the same from my MIL. We have an 18 year old son together, it was my husband who wanted to end the marriage not myself and I still feel like the bottom has dropped out of my world. It seems like he hates me, I really feel that from him, I do need to text him sometimes if it's about our son but he will only reply with a one word answer if he can, I feel like he can't even be civil to me just sending a text. I had messaged him last Thursday as I needed to know exactly what DD come out of his bank account as I am trying to see if I can afford to carry on living in our home. I got a reply saying he wasn't going to tell me on that day as he said he had lots of his own shit going wrong. I messaged him back asking if he was ok and did he want to talk about it, I was thinking maybe he was having a crap time with work, I said to him we were always best friends and did he want to mull it over with me to see if I could help him. To which I have had no reply, I can't understand why he can't even just be kind, I had to message him today about christmas day as I know my son is already worried about what's going to happen. I can see his parents house out of my sons bedroom window so they're very close by. For the last 18 years we have always gone for christmas dinner so I have told my son to still go to his grandmas as his dad is going for dinner too. I had the same response today, just rude and abrupt. I am still heartbroken, I cry most days and try to hide it from my son but sometimes I can't hide it, I am agrophobic unless I'm with someone else, so I rarely go anywhere, I'm not eating or sleeping properly and maybe my friend is right, maybe I need to just be over it by now but for just about 21 years i've loved him to bits and I still feel so heartbroken. I can'e see myself getting to a point when I won't be in tears about him. He was brought up about 25 miles or so away from where we live now and had started going back out drinking up there with his old school friends and since then everything just fell apart. He had the chance of renting a new build a 15 minute walk away from where me and my son live now but instead he chose to go back to where his mates live 25 miles away. I asked him how he could do that to our son, for our son to get to where he's now renting would take 3 buses as it's not easy to get to, if he had rented the new house for exactly the same money a month then our son could have walked to see him whenever he felt like it. I think this was so unfair of my husband. Like I said earlier it's like he hates me now but I can't understand how given the choice it seems living further away next to his mates is better than being able to see his son regularly. I wish I had hatred for him as then I wouldn't be crying everyday. Am I being stupid for still missing him so much that it seems to physically hurt or is 12 weeks still ok to feel raw?

It had been 5 years since my husband left me and I still cried nearly every day. It is hard to move on when you had been with a person for 25 years and they treat you like you don't exist.

Aa a PP has said, it'd time to find your anger. I'd start by finding out who he's shacked up with now. Don't waste any more tears on him.

You sound so lovely. Wishing you well x

It's so unfair when men are dishonest this way. Do you understand, op, that he almost certainly has had an affair and now has another woman, and that is why he can be so callous - he disengaged from you months ago but didn't do you the courtesy of telling you, or telling you he was shagging around.
You will eventually find your anger about that.
No wonder you are devastated - of course that is normal! Your life has been deliberately turned upside down by the person you most trusted.
Just take things a day at a time and focus on your son. The pain will eventually ease

You cry if you want to. 12 weeks is still early days. Especially after 25 years!!

I have a friend who 10 years later can't move on. If you reach that point, you might need to have a word with yourself.

For now, feel what you need to. Trust this is just the process that needs to happen before you can begin to move on. It will take as long as it takes.

*21 years

You need new distractions! TV shows- desperate housewives.
schitts creek

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I think you urgently need to see your GP and I think you need counselling, first of all about this loss. You also need legal advice. All these things can be available by phone or online.

I do think one day you will need to tackle the agoraphobia, with support. But not now. You need to think about yourself.

I really feel for you. My dad left my mum after a 40 year marriage and she fell apart. She went to the Drs and was put on very mild anti depressants just to help her sleep. Gradually the anger kicked in slowly slowly she went out and made new friends and built a new life. Your friend is probably being cruel to be kind. You have been so reliant on your husband that your whole life has imploded. At some point you will move into the acceptance phase. He probably has another woman and has moved on and left you and your son behind. Brutal but true.

Good advice x

I think you need to step back in your sons behalf. Explain to your son that legally he's not a minor and therefore you can't make decisions for him. Reiterate you are happy to discuss his thoughts and feelings but in terms of contact it's not your place to arrange.

You need some legal advice and to start divorce proceedings.

You need to stop your ex from being the focus.

The time he used to call on his lunch break now needs to be specifically redesigned for something else, even if it's just shower time or watching some daytime tv drivel or doing a crossword.

Every small step towards a life without him is a positive, even though you don't see it now.

It’s understandable to still be upset. Time limits on grief are just silly. It’ll be a process where you feel better some days and worse others. Hopefully in time the better days will outnumber the bad.

I’m not sure what you expect from Christmas. You say your son should go to in-laws and do you expect an invite too? Otherwise wouldn’t you just be alone? But going there seems like it would be awkward. I think it’d be best to plan something with you and your son, and others if you can.

Cry as much as you need to cry.

But get angry too.

This excuse for a man has left you and his own child with no support, no contact, no willingness to talk and cooperate, no sense of still being a family. After two decades, you deserve so much better than that.

Be angry. Cut him out. Block his number. Tell your son he needs to deal directly with his dad because you can't.

And get some therapy. It sounds like your life has become smaller and smaller over the years. I'm wondering if your ex has quite a lot to do with that. Him leaving may turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you. You've got to find your anger, your self-respect, and work out what you want your life to be like now.

It sounds like you are trying to be reasonable and do the right thing by contacting him. You need to think of yourself though. Christmas did you ask your son what he would like to do? It doesn’t need to be the same, he could spend half with you, half with him. If ex hasn’t communicated about Xmas don’t discuss with him until he asks for example. It is up to him where he lives. Sounds like he could be having a midlife crisis by relieving his youth. Let him.
I would suggest counselling you can cry it out talk it out without anyone thinking you should of stopped by now. Make plans for you what would you like to do.
Maybe getting a new hobby etc will help take your mind off things?
Also buy a journal and write. Write how you feel. Each day get those feelings out. Maybe the people that said you should be over this by now are hoping you can start to feel better and move forward.

I cried a lot when I left my ex husband. He was not very nice but I was grieving my hopes and dreams and my lost future rather than him. You can take as long as you need to grieve and process this BUT you need to protect yourself emotionally as he is not your best friend and clearly doesn't give a shiny shit about you and your feelings. Start to build your life now. I suspect he moved to be near his new flame rather than his friends so that may help you to detach! Good luck op. Time to hold your head up high.

Sorry you are feeling like this. Try not to text as it won't make you feel any better.
Could you pay for counselling so you don't have to wait 8 months?

I was told to "pull myself together" 3 weeks after XH left me with two under 3s, no money, no job, loads of debt, house in negative equity. I think I cried for 18 months! Many years on I look back and think it's the best thing that happened to me.

You will get through this and come out the other side.

OP, you will get through this! 12 weeks is not a huge amount of time to deal with all of this. You need to start by changing your routine, don't sit there waiting for a call that won't come. Go as low contact as possible, get some therapy and start to build yourself a new life in small ways eg. Move the house around so it looks different, get rid of his stuff, make the house YOURS. It will feel very alien to you at first but it will slowly become natural. Im sorry to say but i agree with pp that for him to behave like this there is almost definitely another woman on the scene. Please hold on to the belief that you absolutely will recover from this and your life will get better to the point that you will wonder what you were ever doing being upset over someone who can treat you like this.

I know it won't be what you want to hear, because I didn't want to hear or believe it, but my estranged husband was living at his OW's house for weeks thinking I didn't know. She has claimed to people they got together after we separated but they were seen long before then (I didn't find this out until afterwards ). They are now openly going out and about together and have even been abroad!! The deceit is killing me and like you, it feels like he's just left our life to start a new one. We will get through this lovely xx

I was in a similar situation nearly 10 years ago. I am a completely different person now and I'm thankful for the situation giving me a kick up the arse to be where I am now!

Hi OP, your at the start of a very long journey BUT you will come out of it. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions it’s completely normal. It’s grief.

One of the main things I found hard to deal with was accepting that he wasn’t my friend any more and I’d stopped serving a purpose for him. Our relationship was sexually over for along time before we split but he was my emotional crutch and letting that go was really hard.

Accept it, accept it and then accept it some more. And sit with that.

Try not to replace sadness with anger, anger is not a good place to be stuck in - been there got the T-shirt.

Acceptance and bring really fucking kind to yourself is how your going to work through this.

Try not dwell on the fact he might have a new partner but prepare for it. Seeing a picture of them is a punch to the gut. It’s really hard OP but this doesn’t have to kill you off.

I completely changed my appearance, so when I looked in the mirror I wasn’t that ‘women who was left behind’ - it worked. When your ready make a big shift in your life.

Have a look at being co- dependant. That was me.

But remember- he isn’t your ally anymore. That was my big mistake as I allowed him to take emotional energy from me I didn’t have spare. This is the time for you to give yourself some real self care and protection 💗

Is there another woman?

Whatever has happened, his behaviour towards you and more importantly your son, makes him a total cunt, unworthy of your tears.

You will get there. It’s going to be a bumpy road but you will get there.

Hi, I just wanted to say thank you all again for your advice and your kindness, I don't really have any friends or family to turn to the friend I had mentioned telling me I should be better now is a neighbour and a friend but were not really close. I had to tell her that he had moved out as she asked if he was working away again. My husband said from the start that he wanted me to stay at home and be a housewife so I did, then when my son was younger and at school I would go out with one of the other mums and end up spending money on house stuff and he got sick of me spending money so he told me not to do it anymore. So I stopped going out and when the kids went to different middle schools I lost contact with my friend, so for 10 years now unless I was going out for a meal on the weekend with my hubby and son I haven't gone anywhere, I can food shop online so I've got to a point where I can't go anywhere on my own, I feel bloody pathetic, I'm pretty sure lots of people will agree and not get it. I think that's one of the reasons I have taken him leaving so hard as I feel totally abanded. I noticed a lot of people are saying to have no contact with him, I'm finding that really difficult, he gave me no reason for leaving other than he said he just doesn't care about me anymore. I text him yesterday to ask if he would come on christmas day morning when his mam and dad come as I think I could cope better if they were here too. His reply was "he might come as he doesn't know what his plans are yet" I was fuming, how on earth could he not want to see his son on christmas day. So I reminded him it is also our sons birthday 2 days before that and did he have any plans to see/do anything with him. He didn't reply until this morning his message said could I not text him again unless there was an emergency as me messaging him last night stressed him out and he didn't get much sleep, so can we have no further contact. I'm so annoyed at him, he has left my son and me devastated and our whole world turned upside down, my poor son has cried his little heart out, I have as well yet he doesn't want the stress so I'm not allowed to text or phone him. Thank you again to everyone for being kind, I still don't know how to reply to each comment so please don't think I'm being rude by not replying xx

please stop contacting him. You are doing the pick me dance and it will not work.

I would bet my house there is an OW - sorry. And him telling you not to spend money. And to be a housewife? That is not nice of him I don't think either.

Mollylegs Stop. Stop texting him. He has now told you not to text unless it's an emergency, so i am afraid you really can't text him anymore or he could report you. He has gone and you need to focus on your life. Tell your son you are not allowed to text your ex anymore and that he must contact him if he wants to. Encourage your son to get on with his life and have fun with his friends. Everyday is a step to your new life.