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Original poster

House rules

84 replies

Kerri1987 · 31/10/2022 06:58

When I moved in with my boyfriend 3.5 years ago I felt a little vulnerable and unsure of myself. It’s his house and myself and children from a previous relationship were moving in. I now feel perhaps the power dynamics are a bit wrong but I don’t know what to do about it. Have I left it too late? For example, there are strict house rules: no walking around in pyjamas or any form of nightwear, no TV, no microwave, no toys/books etc out of kids rooms, no eating or drinking outside of the kitchen, everything is extremely neat and tidy - he decides on places for everything. I have to print out that he also follows these rules himself. I just sometimes feel like it’s all a bit much, all a bit controlling and I wonder if it’s normal?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 31/10/2022 07:02

It doesn’t sound normal to me; did you not talk about this before you moved in? How do your children feel about it? He seems very controlling

gogohmm · 31/10/2022 07:04

Did you know this when you moved in? He sounds very regimented, I couldn't live like that but if that's how he lives then you can't tell him to change. Specific rules you could discuss but it sounds like he did think it through- and these were the conditions for sharing his home.

Is it time to move on?

gogohmm · 31/10/2022 07:06

I've met people who live just like that, it's not controlling or wrong, it's how they are - I'm guessing there's other signs too, ocd maybe? Could be autistic spectrum?

ivykaty44 · 31/10/2022 07:13

what are your rules and does he follow them?

how do you feel living like this? How does it impact on you & your children?

TeenDivided · 31/10/2022 07:15

I couldn't live like that. It sounds very stifling, especially for the DC.

Original poster
Kerri1987 · 31/10/2022 07:18

@gogohmm thanks for the interesting replies. You make some good points. Yes I do think there is OCD and possibly ASD.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 31/10/2022 07:19

Op if you think the power dynamics is not healthy for you, then it’s not. It’s weather you want to try and change that dynamic or leave with your children

Mix56 · 31/10/2022 07:20

Would he be angry if you asked about changing any if these rules ?

HeadacheEarthquake · 31/10/2022 07:23

So you can't eat a microwave meal I'm your pajamas on the sofa in front of the TV in your own home? Am I reading this correctly

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 31/10/2022 07:23

Do you spend time trying to enforce these rules with your DC and do they get upset? That's the thing that would bother me.

Aprilx · 31/10/2022 07:25

Get yourself and your children out of there. Of course it is not normal.

Newtt · 31/10/2022 07:25

Do the kids feel like it is ‘home’ as opposed to the place they are living?
Is the atmosphere for them otherwise relaxed and homely?
If it’s not ‘home’ - it’s not right.
It takes all sorts, but I guess you need to look at the whole picture.

AmberEars · 31/10/2022 07:27

It doesn't seem normal to me because not a single one of those rules applies in this house. But it's not the rules themselves that are wrong necessarily, but (as you mentioned yourself) the power imbalance. What would happen if you suggested changing one of the rules?

Maytodecember · 31/10/2022 07:36

It might have been more common in the 1950s but it sounds an awful way to live.
It’s more than a bit controlling.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2022 07:42

Sounds awful. Why put your children through that??

wackamole · 31/10/2022 07:49

3.5 years? It's a household now, regardless of whether you were just staying for a few weeks when you moved in. Assuming there's no expectation that this is still temporary and that you'll move out, talk to him about the "house rules" and see if you can come to a compromise. Be specific about what bothers you (and your children) and what you propose to change. If he can't compromise on things that are very important to you (and/or your children), then don't stay if it makes you uncomfortable. But that may be (and should be!!) the end of the relationship, if you can't see an eventual compromise that also fits your and your children's needs.

rookiemere · 31/10/2022 07:57

What ages are your DCs ?
Have you talked to them about how they feel about it ?
If they are young thus will get harder when they become teens and want their pals round and naturally rebel against too strict rules.

HeadacheEarthquake · 31/10/2022 08:16

This is surely a Halloween prank

KangarooKenny · 31/10/2022 08:17

You need to get your children out of there.

Flumo · 31/10/2022 08:19

Bah, I wouldn't be staying. Kids need to be comfortable in there own homes, sounds very controlling.

MMmomDD · 31/10/2022 08:55

I don’t know what your circumstances are/were. But it seems that you moved in to his house, he doesn’t have kids himself and your kids have their own rooms there.
Which I think needs to be appreciated.
So - complaining about him wanting to keep it tidy is a little ungrateful in my opinion.
In addition - you must have been to his place before you moved in - so none of that is a surprise.

On it’s own - there is no reason why people should slob around in their pjs and eat on the couch in living room, with toys carpeting all rooms. I think when it’s our own kids we tolerate that more as it creeps us on us. And I do think people without kids find the mess difficult to deal with.

Kids actually are quite flexible and can get used to any kids of house rules. I think it’s harder for us adults to change our ways.
So - in the end of the day - it’s up to you how you want to live and what you can afford.

In my books - too tidy house isn’t a bad thing. I wish mine were just as well.

gannett · 31/10/2022 09:05

I couldn't live in a house like that but at the same time it's how I imagine some of my neater, orderly single friends live in their houses, and it's what they need to feel at peace in their own homes.

You've been in this relationship for over 3.5 years though so you should be able to have a proper conversation with your partner about it. I'd find the rules rigid as an adult so can't imagine your kids are enjoying them. Talk to him about why he feels the rules are important, which are non-negotiable, where there's room for compromise. It may be that there isn't a good compromise and you have to move out, but he should respect you enough to have the conversation.

If he stonewalls you or shuts you down that's a sign he doesn't respect you at all and you should both move out and end the relationship.

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 31/10/2022 09:07

@@MMmomDD no reason why people "should" slob around in their PJs eating a meal on their sofa?? I'll give you a reason: They Want To.

Surely, of all places, home should be where you can switch off and do what you like, dressed how you like?

Not saying live like a slob, but he needs to fucking chill out. Sounds like a boarding school or some other institution. Not home.

HeadacheEarthquake · 31/10/2022 09:11

What happens if you want to go down in your pajamas and take a tea up to bed?

Quartz2208 · 31/10/2022 09:15

NO very much not normal - currently sitting on the sofa in my pjs drinking a cup of tea and waiting to eat the breakfast DD has cooked for me.

Those rules are something else -

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