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Original poster

House rules

84 replies

Kerri1987 · 31/10/2022 06:58

When I moved in with my boyfriend 3.5 years ago I felt a little vulnerable and unsure of myself. It’s his house and myself and children from a previous relationship were moving in. I now feel perhaps the power dynamics are a bit wrong but I don’t know what to do about it. Have I left it too late? For example, there are strict house rules: no walking around in pyjamas or any form of nightwear, no TV, no microwave, no toys/books etc out of kids rooms, no eating or drinking outside of the kitchen, everything is extremely neat and tidy - he decides on places for everything. I have to print out that he also follows these rules himself. I just sometimes feel like it’s all a bit much, all a bit controlling and I wonder if it’s normal?

OP posts:
MacarenaMacarena · 31/10/2022 09:16

I think when you move into someone else's home like this, it's already established - you came with children, he came with a tidy house with rules - it's clear to both partners right from the start.
I don't think his behaviour is controlling, whether you like it or not. Controlling would be whether he tells you which job to do, who you can visit or when you can phone your mum, what to wear or eat or spend your money on.
Of course, if you don't enjoy living in this environment or it makes you unhappy, you have other options, but life and relationships are full of compromises.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/10/2022 09:18

but at the same time it's how I imagine some of my neater, orderly single friends live in their houses, and it's what they need to feel at peace in their own homes

I'm single, when I try neat and orderly, and that house sounds like a prison, not a home.

billy1966 · 31/10/2022 09:18

Moving in when you felt vulnerable and unsure was not in your childrens best interests.

The focus has been on keeping this man happy and following his long list of rules.

Your poor children.

I would be rethinking this relationship and put your children first.

Bookishish · 31/10/2022 09:19

I would expect rules like this to be agree between the couple, not imposed by one person on the other. It may be his house but it’s your and your children’s home. I’d be leaving sharpish.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2022 09:20

billy1966 · 31/10/2022 09:18

Moving in when you felt vulnerable and unsure was not in your childrens best interests.

The focus has been on keeping this man happy and following his long list of rules.

Your poor children.

I would be rethinking this relationship and put your children first.

Yup.

MMmomDD · 31/10/2022 09:21

@Mamato3boysand2dogs

There are many things my kids would have ‘wanted to do’ and yet it’s not now we live.

They would have wanted to have junk food and sweets in their beds and yet I am feeding them healthy foods, and we also only eat in the kitchen.
They’d rather stay in bed playing on their devices than go to school - and yet they get up and go.
Etc.

There are very few absolute rights or wrongs, it’s all down to our preferences really. Just because someone ‘likes’ something - doesn’t make it automatically right or wrong.

People with kids find their mess, noise, etc endearing. People without kids - not so much. It’s not about right or wrong.

As I said - it all depends on OP’s situation - how the relationship is otherwise and what her choices are. And also - with time her bf may get used to living in a house with kids and get more flexible on some of the rules. But it takes time.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/10/2022 09:21

MacarenaMacarena · 31/10/2022 09:16

I think when you move into someone else's home like this, it's already established - you came with children, he came with a tidy house with rules - it's clear to both partners right from the start.
I don't think his behaviour is controlling, whether you like it or not. Controlling would be whether he tells you which job to do, who you can visit or when you can phone your mum, what to wear or eat or spend your money on.
Of course, if you don't enjoy living in this environment or it makes you unhappy, you have other options, but life and relationships are full of compromises.

For example, there are strict house rules: no walking around in pyjamas or any form of nightwear, no TV, no microwave, no toys/books etc out of kids rooms, no eating or drinking outside of the kitchen, everything is extremely neat and tidy - he decides on places for everything

That doesn't sound controlling to you?

Runaround50 · 31/10/2022 10:04

Christ, get out now OP.

That is no way to live I'm afraid.
How is the relationship in general?

LemonDrop22 · 31/10/2022 10:12

Your kids are going to end up fucked up.

He's a freak.

You shouldn't have moved yourself and your kids into his house, please look into independent accommodation.

(You can continue the relationship if you wish but not cohabiting til your kids have grown up. Maybe any damage can be undone).

LemonDrop22 · 31/10/2022 10:14

You also sound way too gentle, passive, unassertive etc I'm so glad you're questioning this.

(He'd not have got together with anyone not like you because he'd not have gotten away with this shit).

MacarenaMacarena · 31/10/2022 10:20

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/10/2022 09:21

For example, there are strict house rules: no walking around in pyjamas or any form of nightwear, no TV, no microwave, no toys/books etc out of kids rooms, no eating or drinking outside of the kitchen, everything is extremely neat and tidy - he decides on places for everything

That doesn't sound controlling to you?

Show quote history

It does sound rather strict and he is clearly very particular, but lots of people are. OP chose to move into this situation, so it must have been the best and happiest option for her and her children at the time.
It depends a lot I think on how this regime is enforced - does OP feel threatened? Coerced? Are her children frightened or just needing reminding to keep things tidy?
We might be livid if the roles were reversed and a man with children moved into a woman's house and said her ground rules were controlling...
Perhaps to this man, having a family move in with him is compromise overload already - if he is holding everything together so far I suspect it is because he loves OP and her children and is balancing his need for order in a potentially challenging situation for him.
These rules wouldn't be for everyone, definitely... But consider the kind of truly abusive controlling behaviour we hear about every day on mumsnet and, from what we have been told, it's not in the same league.
Obviously if he is worse than being OCD about a tidy house and the OP and her children feel unwelcome and unhappy, he has blown it and she should LTB.

girlmom21 · 31/10/2022 10:25

What happens if the kids come downstairs in their pyjamas? How does he react?

jsku · 31/10/2022 10:28

Your kids with end up damaged in any way if they get used to a tidy home.
It does, of course, make a difference how these new ways are enforced while the kids are getting used to the new ‘hose rules’.

Runaround50 · 31/10/2022 10:30

Is this man part of any sect/cult/ extreme religious group? These behaviours sound very extreme.

What happens if any of the 'rules' are broken?

Unicorn1919 · 31/10/2022 10:31

To be fair most of these would have applied to me when DC were young. No TV, no microwave, no food outside kitchen/dining room. The no toys rule is perhaps a little extreme but if there is a playroom or decent sized bedrooms then I wouldn't want toys everywhere either. Pjs - depends how old the children are. I wouldn't want teenage DDs lounging around the house in Pjs all day.

Relocatiorelocation · 31/10/2022 10:35

I can't believe you have decided your dc should be subject to so many rules so you can live with your boyfriend. Does he have a golden cock or something?

Bananalanacake · 31/10/2022 10:39

You can have a relationship with someone without living with them you know.

Artygirlghost · 31/10/2022 10:47

This is not normal in the slightest.

Do you really want you kids to grow up with such regimented lives? or live with a partner who thinks he can control what you and your kids do in the home without any input from you?

Yes, he might have some issues with

Artygirlghost · 31/10/2022 10:48

OCD but he should have discussed this with you openly and try to find compromises.

DeadbeatYoda · 31/10/2022 10:58

Why would you inflict that on your kids? I wouldn't put my own relationship above my children that way

Gwenhwyfar · 31/10/2022 11:15

"Controlling would be whether he tells you which job to do, who you can visit or when you can phone your mum, what to wear or eat or spend your money on."

He DOES tell her what to wear (no pjs out of bed). He tells her what she can eat too - nothing made or re-heated in the microwave.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/10/2022 11:17

Bananalanacake · 31/10/2022 10:39

You can have a relationship with someone without living with them you know.

Yeah, but if she stays over she can't wear pjs or re-heat yesterday's leftovers in the microwave or watch TV. I wouldn't want these rules even for the odd overnight stay.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/10/2022 11:18

Unicorn1919 · 31/10/2022 10:31

To be fair most of these would have applied to me when DC were young. No TV, no microwave, no food outside kitchen/dining room. The no toys rule is perhaps a little extreme but if there is a playroom or decent sized bedrooms then I wouldn't want toys everywhere either. Pjs - depends how old the children are. I wouldn't want teenage DDs lounging around the house in Pjs all day.

I guess the food one is to keep the house tidy, but I don't understand your other rules.

ListeningButNotHearing · 31/10/2022 12:39

I wish I had adopted some of these rules.

My teenage son can leave stacks of crockery in his bedroom (and it would be an absolute slum if I let him get away with it). 😡

Having spoken to other parents I know I’m not alone.

So yes whether he is a bit OCD or whatever, it’s not a bad thing to have rules and standards.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2022 12:42

Your poor kids.

I keep a tidy house, but his rules are insane. It sounds like a prison.