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Relationships

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Original poster

House rules

84 replies

Kerri1987 · 31/10/2022 06:58

When I moved in with my boyfriend 3.5 years ago I felt a little vulnerable and unsure of myself. It’s his house and myself and children from a previous relationship were moving in. I now feel perhaps the power dynamics are a bit wrong but I don’t know what to do about it. Have I left it too late? For example, there are strict house rules: no walking around in pyjamas or any form of nightwear, no TV, no microwave, no toys/books etc out of kids rooms, no eating or drinking outside of the kitchen, everything is extremely neat and tidy - he decides on places for everything. I have to print out that he also follows these rules himself. I just sometimes feel like it’s all a bit much, all a bit controlling and I wonder if it’s normal?

OP posts:

MacarenaMacarena · 31/10/2022 13:46

Gwenhwyfar · 31/10/2022 11:15

"Controlling would be whether he tells you which job to do, who you can visit or when you can phone your mum, what to wear or eat or spend your money on."

He DOES tell her what to wear (no pjs out of bed). He tells her what she can eat too - nothing made or re-heated in the microwave.

He may be providing lovely organic vegetables and he may share the cooking.
Many mums are keen not to use a microwave.
He may have a friend who was accused of ogling a child in pyjamas.
The number of mums who live for years with utter b*stards/DV/abuse/real controlling behaviour/the list is terrifying - she doesn't sound scared at all, just strong enough now to wonder if she wasn't to move on because she doesn't like it. It's him she really needs to be discussing this with...
It is certainly a formal list of rules, but we don't really have enough information!
Good luck to her making a choice that makes her happy.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/10/2022 17:35

"He may be providing lovely organic vegetables and he may share the cooking."

So what? If she wants to re-heat yesterday's organic veg, why can't she do so in the microwave?

"Many mums are keen not to use a microwave."

Up to them, but do they prevent their spouse from doing so? Totally controlling.

"He may have a friend who was accused of ogling a child in pyjamas."

Normal pyjamas don't reveal any more clothing than day clothes so this would be a stupid reason.

"making a choice that makes her happy"

It doesn't seem to make her happy, she was just slow to realise it.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/10/2022 17:37

Interesting that you call it a regime, @MacarenaMacarena because that's exactly what it sounds like. A prison regime. Kudos to the OP for sticking it, though. I'd have run screaming after a week.

MacarenaMacarena · 31/10/2022 20:18

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/10/2022 17:37

Interesting that you call it a regime, @MacarenaMacarena because that's exactly what it sounds like. A prison regime. Kudos to the OP for sticking it, though. I'd have run screaming after a week.

You and me both, MrsDanvers.
But without a clearer, more detailed picture, this post is impossible to scrutinise and advise on.

"get dressed before you come downstairs, keep the food away from the pale furnishings in the lounge, keep your toys in your rooms, and I'm suspicious of microwaves"

Nowhere near as weird as some of the men women talk about here...

Again, if he threatens and frightens the OP and her children, LTB. If he's lovely but just a bit quirky, decide OP - is this the life for you or not? We haven't heard about any joy or safety you and your children feel with him... Without enough information, responses here cannot be very helpful.

5yearplan · 31/10/2022 20:23

What, no tv for anyone ever? And everyone has got to be dressed for breakfast?

Very weird and not normal and probably not fair on the kids.

AlwaysGinPlease · 31/10/2022 22:09

Awful and very damaging for your poor children. You need to get rid!

gannett · 31/10/2022 22:21

It's not controlling if they're his own house rules that he applied to himself before the OP moved in.

Weird and overly regimented (to me), yes, but people are allowed to live how they want in their own homes.

A conversation and compromise on both sides would be natural.

AlwaysGinPlease · 31/10/2022 22:23

@gannett if you don't think it's controlling not to mention harmful, you might need to set your bar higher.

gannett · 31/10/2022 22:30

AlwaysGinPlease · 31/10/2022 22:23

@gannett if you don't think it's controlling not to mention harmful, you might need to set your bar higher.

My bar is that I wouldn't accept it because it wouldn't suit me. Harmful to kids, probably. Controlling, no, the definition doesn't apply (unless you think any measures of tidiness are controlling?!).

AnightwiththeTiger · 31/10/2022 22:51

Val and Harvey Denton.

LoveMyPiano · 31/10/2022 22:56

Is his name Patrick Bateman?

Seriously though, it must be stifling fo you and your children - and however "late" in the day, it needs addressing. I hope you can work it out one way or another.

WeeOrcadian · 31/10/2022 23:07

That's not living a life - it's following 'rules', not having actual fun or a life. I couldn't live like that and I wouldn't put my DC through that either

TheHappyLoser · 31/10/2022 23:17

Your poor kids.
I'm pretty surprised you thought this would be a good environment to raise happy healthy children.
You have of course only listed a few of his rules, fuck knows what the whole list looks like

Careeria · 31/10/2022 23:18

Some grim posts on here. Shocked that people would think the partner unilaterally gets to set the rules of behaviour for children who aren’t even his, simply because he owns the house.

Dery · 31/10/2022 23:18

My first reaction was that this sounded awfully oppressive and very far from being a relaxed family home. But as a few PP have noted: we don’t know what else is going on. This man might cook fresh every day with organic ingredients. The house may be full of child-friendly games and activities. He may be great with the children who may be very relaxed and happy. Only OP knows the answer to those questions. But based on OP’s descriptions, it doesn’t sound much fun to live there.

AlwaysLatte · 31/10/2022 23:48

The not eating in the living room areas I get (although we reluctantly do it as an occasional treat as the kids like it and would do it every day if they could!) but the rest sounds very OTT and unwelcoming. It depends if your children are OK about it.

FlowerArranger · 31/10/2022 23:50

What discussions did you have before you moved in? Did you not indicate in any way that you didn't feel comfortable with some of these rules? Why did you go ahead even though you "felt a little vulnerable and unsure of (your)self"?

What are the dynamics in the household? How old are your children and how are they coping with the rules? How is their relationship with your boyfriend? How does he treat them?

And would you consider your relationship with him to be a loving one? How do you get along, not just in the context of 'the rules', but as a whole? What's the financial setup?

What are your options if you were to decide to move out?

So many questions..... But I fear this probably isn't a happy home.

GreyCarpet · 01/11/2022 06:08

Gwenhwyfar · 31/10/2022 11:15

"Controlling would be whether he tells you which job to do, who you can visit or when you can phone your mum, what to wear or eat or spend your money on."

He DOES tell her what to wear (no pjs out of bed). He tells her what she can eat too - nothing made or re-heated in the microwave.

It's not controlling of those are the rules he lived by prior to her moving in and she moved into that situation knowing they were the rules.

Those are his boundaries. It was up to her whether she accepted them or not. She didn't have to move in with him.

3487642l · 01/11/2022 08:29

One person dictating rules to everyone else living there, with no possibility of negotiation - that sounds dictatorial and controlling.

Yes it was his house first, but a family ought to allow space for everyone's need and wishes. If his needs take precedence over everyone else he is the kind of person who needs to live alone, not impose himself on a family.

BIWI · 01/11/2022 08:35

Advanced search shows you've only posted twice (in this username) and both of your threads suggest that your partner is highly controlling.

If it was just you, things would be different. But there are children in this 'relationship' and - based on this thread, not your other one about lack of sex! - it reads like they are guests in this house, and it's not really their home.

I'd say you need to be looking to find a new home for the three of you. Doesn't mean you can't keep the relationship going (should you be prepared to put up with his attitude to sex), but your children need a more relaxed home to be living in - not a massively over-controlled house.

ThatsTooFantastic · 01/11/2022 08:48

I know some have said it’s his house, they’re not his kids, people shouldn’t be slobs etc.,. But I just can’t get this question out of my head: what happens when you or the kids are sick? No pyjamas and blanket on the couch in front of a film? No juice, squash, crackers or dry toast next to the couch? This seems so unreasonable to me on a sick day!

As for the other stuff, ok if people have a strong preference against televisions or microwaves in the home fine, do fun activities together for entertainment, cook meals on the hob/oven, maybe these are for health reasons and it’s ok to have preferences, but forbidden???

The deal breaker for me is the no pyjamas rule though. After a long day out there is nothing nicer than putting on your PJs and cwtching down on the couch. Are you at least allowed comfortable clothes in the home?!

Like PP said, it’s his house, his rules, ok, but it’s been 3.5 years, is it a home for you and your kids? Or do you feel like guests tip-toeing around the rules? You have to give your kids a home OP.
You all need a home. I hope you can work it out.

starfishmummy · 01/11/2022 08:53

HeadacheEarthquake · 31/10/2022 09:11

What happens if you want to go down in your pajamas and take a tea up to bed?

I must admit I was thinking about having to get dressed so I could go to the bathroom for a shower in the morning! Maybe walking around naked is the way to go!!

But being serious it's no way to live.

Gwenhwyfar · 01/11/2022 10:08

"It's not controlling of those are the rules he lived by prior to her moving in and she moved into that situation knowing they were the rules."

I don't think that's really true. It's still controlling.
Fine if one person lives alone and doesn't wear pjs downstairs, but it's controlling to impose it on others. It doesn't impact him in the slightest.

GreyCarpet · 01/11/2022 18:31

Gwenhwyfar · 01/11/2022 10:08

"It's not controlling of those are the rules he lived by prior to her moving in and she moved into that situation knowing they were the rules."

By that logic, all rules and boundaries are 'controlling'.

She didn't have to move in with him if she didn't like the rules.

HeadacheEarthquake · 01/11/2022 20:16

Op are you coming back? Or is using mumsnet on the Internet against the house rules.

Said with care here; I work with exclusive brethren that would find this set-up oppressive.

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