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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner left randomly

85 replies

Lisagreen12 · 29/10/2022 20:32

So 48 hours ago my DH Up and left. We weren’t properly arguing just a slight disagreement and he packed a bag and left. I’m so confused by it all I don’t even know if we are still together. Do I message him? Call him? Wait for him to respond. As he was leaving he said he was going for a night and this is now the third night and I’ve heard nothing, I’m not even sure how many clothes he has with him or where he is. What do I say to him? I’m heartbroken.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/10/2022 20:58

I'd be tempted to respond in kind online with "single". But no.

You must be feeling dreadful, but I think anger would probably be well-placed.

PritiPatelsMaker · 29/10/2022 21:01

Also agree with moving half of the savings to somewhere he can't access it.

What he's done is awful but I don't think that petty tit for tat will help.

WakingUpDistress · 29/10/2022 21:06

It’s your HUSBAND
id send him a text asking him what’s going on and when he is planning to come back home.

Just now you have no idea what’s going on. PP are talking about OW but he could have decided to stay in a hotel, slept in his car whatever.
4 days ago you still loved him and care fir him. You were worried about a weird behaviour.
So ask him how he is doing. You’re not going to make yourself look stupid by asking your husband such a question.
Youvwill if you dint ask and he is struggling alone somewhere and you never cared enough to check up on him.

inappropriateraspberry · 29/10/2022 21:13

I'd def try and contact him, just to get a straight answer to what's going on. Then you'll know where you stand. It's odd to leave you in limbo like this.

Carbon12 · 29/10/2022 21:17

If he's physically walked out of your home then to me, he mentally checked out the relationship a while ago.

If he isn't answering your calls and stays active on social media then just wait it out until he gets back.

In the meantime you need to figure out what you want to do moving forward. And as someone else said, take half the savings out of your joint until you've figured it out.

TabithaTittlemouse · 29/10/2022 22:01

Lisagreen12 · 29/10/2022 20:36

We’ve been together 5 years, we argue a lot, I’m very confused as to where he’s even gone as he doesn’t have anyone he can stay with

i had his parents numbers but got a new phone so no longer have them, not sure his friends, no siblings

You haven’t tried to contact him, you don’t know his parents numbers, you don’t know his friends? Your relationship sounds bonkers!

My first reaction would be to ask if he’s ok!

Sikaris · 29/10/2022 22:14

Wait a minute, he's been missing for two days and you haven't even texted him???? Do you even want the slight chance of saving anything? Because you don't sound very interested in his general well being if you don't even text him. This doesn't sound like a real relationship. Text him you need to talk, separate nicely and either find a man that you will communicate with (in a healthy way) or get some coaching in how to keep communicating in a relationship (even if you aren't in one).

Rtmhwales · 29/10/2022 22:27

Do you have kids together? Do you own the house together?

Honestly it does sound like he's been with someone else and is making you out to be the bad guy here. I'd just leave it and get your ducks in a row about finances etc.

PritiPatelsMaker · 29/10/2022 22:29

I misread and thought he was your DP and not your DH.

Definitely text him and see if he'll arrange to meet up somewhere neutral tomorrow and talk things through. I doubt either of you want to continue with the relationship judging by how you are both dealing with this.

Lisagreen12 · 31/10/2022 22:37

Just wanted to update and say I found out he had been seeing someone else and has moved in with her. Feeling a lot right now.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 31/10/2022 22:42

So sorry OP. What a cowardly little shithead he is.

AbsoluteTruths · 31/10/2022 22:42

Wow, he is a piece of work! I know you won't feel it right now but this is going to be better for you long term. A coward like that would not make a decent life partner.

So sorry you have to deal with this op. Do you have good friends/family to lean on right now?

Lisagreen12 · 31/10/2022 22:45

I’ve been writing a list on my phone of everything I feel right now so i never consider going back to him, I found out a couple hours ago and still shaking. Gosh I don’t even know what to tell my family.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 31/10/2022 22:48

I'm so sorry. What a shit he is.

Purplecatshopaholic · 31/10/2022 22:48

Sorry op. I was just about to post saying cherchez la femme, but you have found this out already. He’s a shit. Get a lawyer.

Lisagreen12 · 31/10/2022 23:21

He is a coward. He didn’t even tell me and is still in denial. I found out through her social media.

OP posts:
k1233 · 31/10/2022 23:36

They always say men don't leave unless they have something else lined up. I'm so sorry that he hasn't even had the decency to be honest with you.

SandyY2K · 31/10/2022 23:41

She probably gave an ultimatum and he decided it was time to leave. Such gutless cowardly behaviour from your husband.

His behaviour starting an argument then leaving to see the OW is typical of men having affairs.

Stay strong and focus on you. He'll have to come home at some point. Get support from whenever you need to.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 01/11/2022 00:10

He took the dog. He's either in his mum's or with another woman she knows a while.

You don't bring a dog to a hotel or when sleeping on a friend's couch.

JustKittenAround · 01/11/2022 02:37

Stop communicating with him or hoping for anything from him. He has made his choice

go dark and start getting the things you need to build your life without him.

There will be time to grieve what you thought of him… all of the things… But now? You get yourself together for a short run to ensure your success (nobody want a loser, even if they caused it) and be ruthless in your desire for dignity and respect.

Brutal no contact for a spell as you right your solo ship. A solo ship should always be steady because it’s healthy.

If you play it smart he will wonder and try …. With every effort he takes you’ll see.. he could have put that towards you instead of lying.

Be strong and best wishes

MsDogLady · 01/11/2022 03:58

Lisa, it takes a special kind of loser to suddenly leave his wife and two small children in the lurch. He absolutely engineered that argument so he could storm out and head to OW’s.

What a gutless coward.

He has orchestrated other arguments lately that created distance, likely to justify his infidelity. I read your thread about his sabotaging your roast dinner after you asked about his pouring bleach in the wash. You’ve mentioned that his M.O. is blame-shifting and giving you the silent treatment when he’s in the wrong, and expecting you to apologize.

You’re a SAHM who is taking courses and plans to return to work when your eldest starts school. In his late 30’s, he has education and training, yet he quit two higher paying jobs and works for minimum wage, commuting an hour and refusing to take a better job closer, despite fuel costs. Does OW work with him?

He’s bad with money and you’re usually short of food before pay day. If you try to establish a budget, he accuses you of controlling ‘his money.’ I wonder how much he’s spending on OW.

On another poster’s thread re her partner staying gone constantly with work, hobbies, and going out binge drinking, you commented that your H is just like that.

Lisa, he has treated you and your sweet children with utter contempt and callous disregard. He’s a selfish, controlling, abusive cheat, and I hope you won’t allow him back when he tries to slither back in. Flowers

Chomolungma · 01/11/2022 04:04

So sorry OP Sad

ViolinPin · 01/11/2022 05:00

*Lisa, he has treated you and your sweet children with utter contempt and
callous disregard. He’s a selfish, controlling, abusive cheat, and I
hope you won’t allow him back when he tries to slither back in. *

I hope so too, I have a feeling this one will try to return at some point.

You so deserve for this man to be out of your life, he is utterly selfish, cruel and a coward.
The word pathetic springs to mind.

Babydrama2022 · 01/11/2022 05:03

Wow, what a prick. I'm sorry OP. .

Can't believe he took your dog though! Wtaf!

Lisagreen12 · 01/11/2022 10:15

It’s my house. I’ve blocked him, not sure what to do with his things right now but I want them out the house. Not sure about kids either. We get a benefits top up at the moment but I’ve let them know we’ve split, I’m going to have to find a part time job somehow. OW doesn’t work. It his dog from before we met.

Im going to spend this week focusing on getting an income for me and the children and his stuff gone.

OP posts: