What do you think of this behaviour, is this good enough?

[Lostsoul62]

So I am a mother of 2 children a 1 year old and a 8 year old. I have partner of 5 years who is baby's father. I want to know if you think this behaviour is acceptable from the man who is supposed to love and care for you, I don't think he does due to his actions however he insists he is fine and there is nothing he is really doing wrong. I would like your thoughts on this

I was very ill and my gp were sending an ambulance for me as I couldn't breathe and my heart rate was extremely high. I was at home with the baby and called partner and he said he couldn't leave work as was too busy. He then proceeded to call his mother and ask her to come over, she agreed but was 2 hours away. Thankfully my friend came to my rescue. I was admitted and released after 24 Hours.
I called my partner and asked that he tidied our bedroom up as I was going straight there when I returned home on strict instructions from doctor's to rest and no stress.
I came home, he had literally made the bed, that was it! No clearing away clothes etc. (not alot but still). He takes this day off work to watch kids as I was in hospital .
Anyway I headed to bed and had a nap etc, he didn't come in once to ask how I was, could he get me anything. Nothing just looked after the 1 year old.

After our baby was put to bed sometime later I asked him to heat me up some soup and toast to which he immediately replied he wanted a shower, and did I really want toast as well..... I digress I was so pissed at being uncared for so I said I was just going to order a takeaway could he nip up the high street and collect it for me as I had no cash in house, he told me no just to call a few and get one that let me pay via card .

I said forget it just leave the bedroom please, well he stood and argued with me that it wasn't that bad to refuse to help and I only hAd a chest infection, he hadn't done anything wrong really.
I then packed his bag and put him out the house telling him he was stressing me when no need and he kept refusing to leave .

I need help i am currently quite unwe

Am quite unwell and do need help with the baby over the next few days but I just feel so uncared for and unloved and absolutely rubbish to be honest I expected to be treated with more kindness at the least.

Would you be happy to accept this from your partner or would you also feel as I am?
My partner who is now staying at his mother's tonight thinks this is very unfair and he hasn't done anything wrong. 😩 Ladies of mumsnet please may I have your thoughts?

No I wouldn't be happy with that at all. You were being sent to hospital by ambulance and he couldn't leave work because it was too busy?! No way.

And he couldn't get you some simple soup.

Sounds very selfish and uncaring. Not the kind of person you want to invest your care, love and time in. IMO.

Ask your mum or family to come and help while you recover? Or his parents? Either way you need to rest and be careful with yourself for now. And he clearly can't be relied upon (how unattractive).

Unacceptable, what a selfish twat. I see it all too often when women are taken ill their partners don't step up. He's shown who he really is. What's the point of being with someone who doesn't care about you when you are sick? I hope you managed to get him out and hope you start to feel better soon.

Yeah I'd be pissed too. His partner is being admitted into hospital and he couldn't leave work?! If he cared enough he should've insisted and left.
Also can't even get you food.
Sorry OP but you deserve better than that

I can guarantee you that your life will ultimately be much simpler and happier if he stays permanently at his mum's...

Thanks, it's not even I big important job he has, he works at a farm but even if he did have the big important job surely your partner telling you she was this I'll and looking after your baby, why would you not leave any job?!

OK - with ambulance on the way he should have come home, at least until his mother got there. I give you that.
He also should have asked you if you needed something while you were in the bedroom, at least a few times.

But your behaviour since coming out of the hospital is also not great. And seems manipulative/controlling a bit.
… he made the bed. He didn’t clear up the clothes - which I am not sure anyone would consider important. There was no need to make this into a big deal
…he did look after the 1yo all day: He wanted to take a shower after baby went to bed. Nothing wrong with that
… relationship need communication both ways. Instead of sulking and feeling unloved - you should have asked him for help during the day
….finally - you weren’t put on a bed-rest. And warming up soup isn’t really a hugely stressful or taxing activity. You seemed to need to prove some point in making him do it for you, like it was a test

and finally - your escalation after the soup issue - with ordering takeout and sending him out, to packing his bag and sending him away is really OTT and unreasonable.

Thanks you ladies, I am raging at him which isn't good for my health so I really appreciate your thoughts as I think I do deserve better treatment than this. I feel so disappointed in him

When I was admitted via A&E for a blood transfusion, my partner was distraught at not being able to be there with me. He brought me some essentials I needed even though it was his weekend with his children, and came round as soon as he could once I was discharged. Even though he didn’t live with me, he couldn’t do enough - he took my children to school, picked up some shopping and made me a packed lunch and snacks to have during the day whilst he couldn’t be there.
During Covid, he was isolating due to his own long-term conditions, so I did shopping for him, brought him roast dinners and puddings, etc when we’d been baking, etc and kept him company from the doorstep 🙂
That’s what a relationship should be like.
You’re right to have kicked him out and I hope you make him work his arse off to show he’s worth letting back!
Get well soon, OP 💐

I didnt make the messy bedroom a big deal however you are correct I could of just not mentioned it.

However I look after baby day in day out and still manage to cook a dinner for 4 people every day and work so I really don't think heating up a bit of soup is in anyway hard work after looking after the baby all day.

I appreciate your view though and perhaps I was ott and escalated to that point however I will say that even when I said I would get a takeaway and was waiting for it, he still didn't bother taking a shower so it feels more like it was he just doesn't value or want to help me. Interesting comment on the making it a test. I will think on that.

Banthafodder, that's lovely and what I think partners should do for one another when one needs help. I hope to have what you have.

@MMmomDD - ….finally - you weren’t put on a bed-rest. And warming up soup isn’t really a hugely stressful or taxing activity. You seemed to need to prove some point in making him do it for you, like it was a test

Are you the op's hospital doctor? If not please explain why you didn't think she's been advised to bedrest?

Pixiedust (great name) it's mumsnet, there is always one, might start the pile on.
Especially because men can only look after a child and anything above that is asking too much which is what I got from MMmomDD.

I had something like this; I had terrible flu and was advised by doctors to have someone look after me and the children. My husband wouldn’t come home from work (he was working away) and sent his mother who couldn’t come for three days. Luckily I have a lovely neighbour. I’m divorced now.

@Pixiedust1234

Simply going with what OP put in her post 🤷🏻‍♀️. She just said doctor said to rest and not stress. (And of course a chest infection doesn’t really require a strict bed rest - where a person isn’t able to get to the kitchen to get food)
Packing a bag for her partner probably took a lot more effort than getting soup out of the fridge.

@Lostsoul62 - i don’t know what is going on in your relationship, but the situation seems to have escalated out of control. It is irrational and not in the best interest of your baby to push away the child’s father when you can’t even take care of yourself and need to rest.
Who will be taking care of the child?

Is this some sort of long standing argument you and your partner fighting over? Is this why you were so quick at the slightest sign he wasn’t properly caring for you?
And is your ‘feeling unloved and uncared for’ - a recurrent issue?
If yes - not sure now is the time to be fighting over this.

@Lostsoul62

I didn’t suggest men only can do one thing. Or course they can do more. Even if they aren’t as used to multitasking.
I did suggest he could and should have been more helpful.

Bur it doesn’t excuse your escalation and unreasonable behaviour putting your baby at risk by making his father leave.

MMmomDd.

I will be looking after my baby, unwell or not my children come first.

Yes you are right it was irrational to make him leave at this point. I think I am very hurt at him not leaving work that it is spilling into everything if you see what I mean.

Would you not expect this type of care from your own partner after having had a hospital admission and needing rest. ? Would you just get on with it all yourself? Really would like to know as I thought that's why we have significant others/partners otherwise what's the point?

I didnt have a great example with my parents or my ex husband. I thought your other have is supposed to show love andcare in actions as well as words.

Thank you for your thoughts.

So, I see escalation too.

You had an ambulance coming, he couldn’t leave work which was not his decision btw, but his managers decision so not sure why you’re blaming him for this. He tries by calling his mum, who would have been there in 2hrs, so that’s effort & caring for you right there. You called a friend who got there sooner. All good.

You are in hospital for 24hrs (usually for observation) and released with a diagnosis of a chest infection and told to rest and not stress. Chest infection is a mild illness. It’s not bronchitis or pneumonia.

But anyway you tell him to tidy the bedroom for when you come home, so he makes the bed. Not sure why this has upset you. You then take a nap, but are upset he’s not come in to wake you up and ask if you need anything, which would seem to be against doctors orders to “rest” anyway? And if you were thirsty or hungry, why didn’t you text him? That’s what we do when ill, we let the person sleep in disturbed and they text us if they want us to run up a drink or food.

You then ask for dinner in bed…which is a bit OTT as you weren’t put on bed rest and it’s only a chest infection. He pushes a back a bit asking for a shower first and you get huffy and then decide on sending him out for a takeaway…why? Seems you were creating busy work for him. Why not wait for him to shower and then make you soup and toast…or order a takeaway that is delivered? but anyway an argument ensued because imho your demands got more and more unreasonable and he was pushing back a bit.

You then packed his bag and tried to kick him out of the house which was completely out of order. If you were too sick to get out of bed & feed yourself, then why would you pack your DHs bag and demand he leave, leaving you home alone with a baby? A baby you are supposedly to sick to care for?

Just too much drama and a ridiculous reason to kick a partner out of their own home.

@Lostsoul62

I think you hit on the root of your behaviour when you mentioned your parents. Maybe you weren’t loved and cared enough as a child and now you are taking it out on your partner in a passive aggressive way originally, that turned worse as it went along.

Yes, of course we are supposed to care for each other. And also treat each other with respect. And it’s supposed to go both ways. From him to you, and from you to him. Neither of you did particularly well in the situation. But you became completely unreasonable in the end.
Cutting your nose to spite your face comes to mind.

In your partner’s place I’d not leave my own home. And I’d certainly not leave my baby with someone claiming to be too sick to warm up their own dinner.

@MMmomDD the gp called an ambulance because she couldn't fucking breathe. Getting someone, who is struggling to breathe, to make their own food ...actually if you can't understand thst then there's no point in engaging with you. Try holding your breath and moving from room to room whilst heating food 🙄

OP. You did the right thing. Not offering food to someone so unwell is abusive behaviour. Its cruel.

The OP was struggling to breathe when the ambulance was called, but a full day later she wasn’t still struggling to breathe. 🙄

They would not have let her leave the hospital if she were still struggling to breathe. Nor would her diagnosis be “chest infection” and her only course of treatment be “rest and no stress”. If you can't understand that then there's no point in engaging with you.

Not offering food to someone so unwell is abusive behaviour. Its cruel.

This is batshit. OP was under orders to “rest” and told her DH to tidy the bedroom because she was coming home and going directly to bed to nap. In what universe is it “abusive” and “cruel” to let a sick partner have an undisturbed nap which is the rest the doctor told them they needed? How is he supposed to mindread when she’s done napping? Shouldn’t she be texting him or getting up and calling him vocally when she had her nap/rest and needs something?

@Pixiedust1234

You do understand that BOTH people can be wrong in a situation?

OP has clearly managed to move around house to pack her partner’s bag and is now taking care of her toddler.
She could have warmed up her soup. And she certainly could have waited for her bf to take a shower.

And if she was struggling to breathe - she really should NOT have sent her baby father away. Completely irresponsible, and dangerous behaviour as a mother.

oh @Discovereads I know you. You are a great nitpicker, ill give you that but you rarely understand the bigger picture. I have been unable to breathe for over a week. I'm under GP care, but I'm not quite bad enough for hospital but I'm certainly gasping for air just going to the bathroom. You would hate to see all the different medicines I'm taking several times a day, from various inhalers, steroids, antibiotics etc, at least 11 different things at last count. There is no way I can manage the stairs and do soup. I'm actually struggling to breathe and eat. He has shown her no care or compassion, nor have you.

Well it wouldn't be good enough for me.

It is clearly good enough behaviour for lots of women on here though. Loads of posters who think it ok to do as your partner did and would accept it as normal loving behaviour from a partner. bit baffling if you live with someone who would never behave like that but presumably they have their reasons to think it is ok. I think it is shite. But then that me.

What do you think OP? You can set the standards in your own relationship.

I think you did over react because he did not show you any love and care. I can’t believe he didn’t come home. It’s horrible when you feel so insignificant when someone doesn’t show you a bit of sympathy.