What do you think of this behaviour, is this good enough?

[Lostsoul62]

So I am a mother of 2 children a 1 year old and a 8 year old. I have partner of 5 years who is baby's father. I want to know if you think this behaviour is acceptable from the man who is supposed to love and care for you, I don't think he does due to his actions however he insists he is fine and there is nothing he is really doing wrong. I would like your thoughts on this

I was very ill and my gp were sending an ambulance for me as I couldn't breathe and my heart rate was extremely high. I was at home with the baby and called partner and he said he couldn't leave work as was too busy. He then proceeded to call his mother and ask her to come over, she agreed but was 2 hours away. Thankfully my friend came to my rescue. I was admitted and released after 24 Hours.
I called my partner and asked that he tidied our bedroom up as I was going straight there when I returned home on strict instructions from doctor's to rest and no stress.
I came home, he had literally made the bed, that was it! No clearing away clothes etc. (not alot but still). He takes this day off work to watch kids as I was in hospital .
Anyway I headed to bed and had a nap etc, he didn't come in once to ask how I was, could he get me anything. Nothing just looked after the 1 year old.

After our baby was put to bed sometime later I asked him to heat me up some soup and toast to which he immediately replied he wanted a shower, and did I really want toast as well..... I digress I was so pissed at being uncared for so I said I was just going to order a takeaway could he nip up the high street and collect it for me as I had no cash in house, he told me no just to call a few and get one that let me pay via card .

I said forget it just leave the bedroom please, well he stood and argued with me that it wasn't that bad to refuse to help and I only hAd a chest infection, he hadn't done anything wrong really.
I then packed his bag and put him out the house telling him he was stressing me when no need and he kept refusing to leave .

I need help i am currently quite unwe

He didn't do much right either:
Cared for his own child (although not when immediately needed)
Made his own bed
Considered making his sick wife soup when asked, but ultimately didn't

I don't understand the issue about the toast - you'd toast and butter while the soup was heating. Why not either delay his shower ten minutes or tell you he was just going in and he'd get your soup and toast in half an hour? It sounds like he was trying to be disagreeable: why not take care of you a bit when you're unwell even if you're not in critical condition; would you do that for him without making a fuss?

I’ve been ill with a serious chest infection this week and let me be quite clear: you cannot move about normally and do everyday stuff easily. You move very slowly and everything is too much effort because your oxygen levels are low. You clearly have no experience of this, so butt out.

Besides it is rotten to be left forgotten in bed, unable to fend for yourself. It really isn't that hard to check on someone and heat them up a bit of soup

It sounds, to me, like he could do more.

It also sounds to me like you were creating certain tasks for him to prove he cared.

I also think trying to or actually kicking your partner out is a really nuclear option. Putting someone out of their home, is a huge thing to do. It’s not something you should do because you are fed up or don’t think they have done enough that day. It’s something you should only do if you really think the relationship is over. Not something to punish them on the assumption they will come back or beg to come back or when you deem the punishment is over. That, in itself, is abusive.

I do agree with others that if you feel you can competently look after the kids, alone, then you weren’t to ill to text him you were awake. I would be really pissed if I was trying to rest and dp kept coming in to check I was ok.

It all sounds like 2 unhappy people in a relationship that has run it’s course, tbh.

Oh and yes, I have had chest infections and been really poorly. Though I am not sure why a poster thinks you can’t post unless you have.

It seems that this was your partners chance to redeem himself in some way, and he didn't.

Testing people to see if they 'pass' is probably not the best way to go about things.

A heart to heart would be better.

OP leave him at his Mums permanently.

I had a miscarriage and my ex said 'ah well, it happens more than you think', didnt come to the hospital appointment at EPU as he had a meeting he couldnt get out of, but then decided that instead of getting home on time or early to make sure i was ok, he'd work late. Not because he needed too, but wanted too. I wanted to throttle him as I had been blessed with a 2nd viable embryo (miscarraige was the twin). I was ecatatic but annoyed i had to wait for him to get home to tell him....his reaponse....I told you it would be ok. Like he was a higher power!?
He is now very happily an EX as there was no compassion or empathy.

If hes treating you like this now, imagine how things would be when you are older and potentially need a lot more care.

Those saying its unfair on your DC for you to have thrown their Dad out, are a bit short sighted. Its not a great example of being loving or caring that the dad is setting.

WHat was the diagnosis at the hospital?

If you are very worried about family finances, especially if you are sole income provider

ypu are very worried about the vulnerability of your job

your partner has always been something of a drama queen and this sort of demand is not the first. Far from it

"I’ve been ill with a serious chest infection this week and let me be quite clear: you cannot move about normally and do everyday stuff easily. You move very slowly and everything is too much effort because your oxygen levels are low."

So the OP is too Ill to have a takeaway delivered to the front door but quite capable of packing her partner's suitcases and kicking him out, despite her low oxygen levels. Doesn't quite add up does it....

I think you were too hasty. This could easily be worked out. To be honest you already have him helping raise a child that isn’t his and I think you need to think about if you want to split from the father of your second kid as well.

If you want a relationship with a man and kids then you have to accept it’s not perfect everyday or else you will just end up splitting again.

I mean do you really want to split and bring yet another father figure into your kids lives or have kids with another man (3)?

Tough love time - you should try to work it out because you aren’t going to get a better situation than your in right now if you break with him and he really hasn’t done anything wrong

I would put a lot of money on…

The OP is ill but no where near as bad as she wants her family and friend to think.

The OP has fairly extensive history of being a drama llama in the face of any kind of illness

The OP has no qualms about putting people out for her. Whether that’s her MIL jumping in car for a 2 hour drive or a friend dropping everything to take her to hospital

This isn’t the first time the op has packed up her partners stuff and tried to kick him out and no doubt had screaming matches in her dressing gown on her front step with him

Don't listen to the posters defending your partner's behavior, OP. They probably have no idea what it's like to have someone who cares about you.

Your partner sounds awful. I'd be just as upset and would call my parents to come look after the kids and tell him to pack his bags and leave.

For comparison, I had a really bad cold a week ago. Nothing like your chest infection, but it sucked. My husband made me homemade meals for days, asked regularly if I needed anything and went to the shop if it was anything we didn't have and obviously took care of our child. At the weekend I felt a bit better and went to see friends so he cleaned the whole house so I could relax when I got back. Now the tables have turned and he's ill, and I will do exactly the same for him.

Not leaving work when your partner is struggling to breathe in inexcusable. Lol at the person who said he wasn't allowed. He didn't want to leave! You don't ask when you're an adult. You just say I have a family emergency and go. Sounds like he wasn't worried about you unfortunately.

Can I just say there's no way that the ambulance crew would have taken OP in to hospital if she wasn't really unwell. The hospital would not have kept her if her obs were anywhere near normal, OP is very poorly and resting would be a good plan. OP I hope you feel better soon lovely.

I don't think he does due to his actions however he insists he is fine

Does he love and care for you? Only you know if you feel loved and cared for. It's not a case of right or wrong, it's a dynamic between two people that needs to work for both. What is acceptable for one person would be neglect to the next.

Takeaways and messy bedrooms aside, I'd say this was more than a one incident thing, you've been with him for five years. Is this the straw that broke the camels back after five years of him insisting he is fine, and you feeling unloved?

Save me the drama. I have moderate to severe asthma and take daily steroids on top of several inhalers. I also have COPD due to chronic bronchitis and have almost died of pneumonia four times. There is no fucking way the hospital would have released the OP if she were still struggling to breathe.

Besides, having an shouting argument and then packing a bag in a huff would be impossible if she were even slightly struggling to breathe, both of which she did in the space of less than an hour.

He has shown her care and compassion. She is just expecting him to be a mind reader and know when she needs something. She went to her bed stating she was going to take a nap. In what universe is it compassionate and caring to walk in on a sleeping ill person and wake them up? Hun? hun wake up…just thought you might like a cup of tea? I’d be like WTF did you wake me up for? If I want a bloody cup of tea, I’ll call you or text you when I’m done fucking napping.

It was chest infection. Which is basically when a cold (upper respiratory infection) is also in your chest.

It’s mild, usually viral, and self-limiting. It’s not bronchitis. It’s not pneumonia. Its not even as bad as flu or covid.

I’m with you @Discovereads

Yep.

read my post above. I would put money on it

I agreed with your post too. I’m also suspecting she may not have been admitted but waited in A&E for about 9hrs, got a bed in the A&E department and was put on a nebuliser and then checked over & observed the rest of the night and released the following day. Many people think getting a bed = being admitted but that’s not true if the bed is in the A&E department. They’re not going to actually formally admit anyone for a chest infection. Usually you have to have progressed to pneumonia to be admitted.

Exactly.

I imagine the friend internally 🙄 and made a mental note not to be sucked in to the OP’s drama yet again

I have an ex who would become quite unpleasant whenever I was ill. He’d start big arguments with me, usually kicking off along the lines of:

’why are you being off with me?’
’I’m not being off with you, I’m ill’
’well you are being off with me, you’ve barely spoken to me at all’
’yes because I’m ill and I’m very tired, can we please not do this?’
’not do what? You’re being off with me. You’ve barely said a word to me in the the last hour, it’s like I’m not even here. If I was ill I wouldn’t make you feel like this!’

And so on. It was like he resented me any time my attention wasn’t focused on him. Making your partner soup and toast when they’ve just come out of hospital is hardly a hardship. What’s it going to be like when you get older and have to rely on each other more and more?

Op he didn't really care for you when you needed it and that says lots about him

Its such a shame how much certain poster's have the audacity to downplay how I'll I am.
To the poster who confirm how bad you feel with a chest infections yous are correct. Walking room to room is painful in itself.
For context my heart beat was 146, I was given excellent care immediately anf I am grateful to the NHS. After 2 ecgs, monitored I a and e ward bed and then chest x-ray and finally in the emergency care ward. So please do not downplay my experience.

While I may have overreacted it stems from being hurt that he didn't make me a priority or make me feel cared for.
Thank you to all for your thoughts, I am now going to sleep as my mum has collected my kids.

That visit op with your chest infection would have cost best part of £10k