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Original poster

Opinions on men going away with friends when there are young children at home?

65 replies

Cacoatime · 28/10/2022 10:01

Out of curiosity...
Wondering what the consensus is on men going away on city breaks with friends for big birthdays, long stag weekends, that sort of thing?

From my own perspective, we don't have an awful lot of disposable money, lone parenting is draining, I have no family close by and it's not just the once- it tends to be once a year for up to 5 days.

My friends are all absolutely fine with it when their husbands go and starting to wonder if I'm the only one who just thinks... FFS.

I've taken one 4 day mini break for myself in 8 years of parenting. Am I the odd one?

OP posts:

ladywithnomanors · 28/10/2022 10:03

It wouldn’t bother me as long as I was able to do the same. Why don’t you go away once a year like he does ?

MsTSwift · 28/10/2022 10:05

Has to be equal. We have broadly similar go away with friends weekends

Yesthatismychildsigh · 28/10/2022 10:09

Why just men?
As long as you’re both afforded the same rights to go away and can afford it I can’t see a problem.

Nina9870 · 28/10/2022 10:09

Doesn’t bother me 🤷‍♀️ Just make sure you get some time away too

Bullshot · 28/10/2022 10:11

That would be fine by me.

However

a) we have the funds and
b) I get my own trips with friends too

CraigDavid · 28/10/2022 10:12

It doesn't bother me but I get time away too, individual trips aren't straining the family finances and he's a good father who pulls his weight. If that wasn't the case I can imagine I would feel differently.

TheMorigoul · 28/10/2022 10:16

I think you should both get time away with your friends and without dc.

JulesCobb · 28/10/2022 10:18

Book for yourself as well. If you're being a martyr, that's on you. However, if it outs you as a family into debt and he will no do the sole parenting himself, or without complaint, then theres an actual issue.

Schnooze · 28/10/2022 10:18

I think you should both have the opportunity if finances allow. If you don’t have people to go with, or don’t want to, then you shouldn’t stop him.

AWholePatchOfPumpkins · 28/10/2022 10:20

My partner went away a couple of times when our kids were young, once for a football tournament for about 10 days and once for a stag do for a couple of days. It didn’t bother me, he’s a great partner and dad and money wasn’t an issue.

Notbeinfunnehbut · 28/10/2022 10:24

I’ve had this conversation with my own DH ,recently, I don’t begrudge a socialist life ,
a 5 day holiday with the lads every single year is a bit much tbh , but having said that my DH has had at least 2 weekends away and a week away this year, plus regular nights out, I’ve several kids at home inc a toddler . I do have nights out tbf,
but I haven’t been away since 2019 , and I did have a conversation about how the situation needs to equal up a bit and be more considerate.
in fairness his response was very much book something yourself but being the default parent it’s not that straightforward and also , I’m not his nanny!

Fairislefandango · 28/10/2022 10:24

As long as it can be afforded and the wife has the same opportunities to go away,I don't see the problem. 5 days once a year doesn't sound like a big deal to me!

Manasprey · 28/10/2022 10:24

I do it more than dh does. But he doesn't have many friends. It doesn't take from family money, so I can do what I want.

Bookworm20 · 28/10/2022 10:27

It really depends on alot of things. Do you go away as a family or does him spending the money on his annual bloke trips mean you can't do that? Also, you ahve only been away once in 8 years, so this does not seem balanced at all. Is that because he won't look after the dc or because you don't have friends who are able to do the same or because there is no money left for you to do that?

If my DP was going away annually and it meant it impacted financially on trips for the family/or for me to be able to do the same, then I wouldn't think too highly of him, as it would just seem like a selfish indulgence of his. Also if young dc and it meant it made things really difficult for me left at home, I'd expect him to be considering that. When you have a young family you can't just continue doing all the things you did when single, as obviously things have changed.

Tell him that this year you want a 5 day break with your friends, as surely its your turn now. What would he say?

Scoundrella · 28/10/2022 10:29

Doesn’t bother me as long as 1) we have the money to cover it 2) I get equal opportunities if I want them 3) it’s not all the time.

balzamico · 28/10/2022 10:33

I had a partner who felt much like you, from my perspective it is unfair that I should miss out on things I've been invited to, want to do and can afford simply because he doesn't go places - it's up to him to book things and organise himself if he wants to go or not complain if he doesn't.
A weekend on your own with the kids is not a big ask imo - as I'm the primary caregiver it did him a lot of good

Meseekslookatme · 28/10/2022 10:36

There's an awful lot of martyrs on here that Begrudge the dp a weekend away, but wouldn't dream of taking off themselves.
If money isn't an issue and dp would hold the first for you to go away what's the problem?

Meseekslookatme · 28/10/2022 10:37

Fort*
I swear my autocorrect is mocking me.

girl71 · 28/10/2022 10:38

Op, i think it is important to spend time with friends and to be able accept invitations from friends to attend things. I would find it extremely frustrating and limiting if i had to get permission or turn things down, particularly if i had been seen to have already had my one allowance that year. I don't think not having family near by has any bearing. Lots of people have no additional support.

Do you have friends that you could you meet up with? Maybe a bottomless brunch or a girls weekend in another city? Even a girls night at one of the houses with a sleep over, tsot. Once a year is not extreme at all in my view. It is important to maintain friendships and experiences when your children are young. As your children become teens they will start to live their own lives. It is healthy and good for you to get a break away from yr dh and children once a yr, have fun and experiences. Allocating money, however small to cover these costs is an investment in yourselves. When my children were very small i went to New York for 4 days with my friends, much to my mums horror! I worked full time and had 2 young children, I was glad to get away, laugh and remember who i am. Their Dad coped fine and I had a brilliant time. My friends and i still look at the photos now and remember it happily. My children are grown now and I am glad that being a wife and a mother did not prevent me from having these experiences. Personally i would have found it suffocating if i had been limited in my choices just because i was married and a mum. Going out every weekend and disregarding responsibilities no, 3 times a yr seeing friends with one or two of them a trip away, perfectly fine in my view.

cassianroared · 28/10/2022 10:39

I think once a year is fine, as long as you get to go away too if you want to.

Catlover1970 · 28/10/2022 10:41

Life is for living and if all your mates are planning a trip get yourself there and most importantly have fun ! As long as you both can do it

BertieBotts · 28/10/2022 10:42

I think it's really telling what the social norms suggest. DH did this once for a stag do, we couldn't really afford it but he was best man and everyone else was really hyped up for it and he felt he couldn't say no.

I got invited recently to go and stay as a group at a youth hostel, total cost will be probably about €100 if not less but he was completely confused by the concept, how can you get accommodation so cheaply, what about the activities, drinking, etc?

All the discussion in ours has been carefully making sure it's affordable and doesn't present a strain for anyone whereas the "boys" one was spend spend spend.

Overall yes I think it's about the equality and balance. It shouldn't just be one partner going off on jollies all the time and the other picking up the slack.

loulouljh · 28/10/2022 10:44

I wouldn't mind at all...its healthy to have some time away with friends.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 28/10/2022 10:48

I did this more than DH when our DDs were young. Did everyone good.

tirednewmumm · 28/10/2022 10:48

Surely it depends if it's equal? Dh and I equally take time away with friends for the odd weekend or night out. We've both had a lot of hen dos or stag dos to attend the last few years. Our son loves one on one time with each parent and we both get a break! 90% of our free time is spent as a family so seems like a good solution all round. The trouble is if it's one sided like your experiencing, wish him well on his trip and book yourself a nice weekend away with a friend

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