Opinions on men going away with friends when there are young children at home?

[Cacoatime]

Out of curiosity...
Wondering what the consensus is on men going away on city breaks with friends for big birthdays, long stag weekends, that sort of thing?

From my own perspective, we don't have an awful lot of disposable money, lone parenting is draining, I have no family close by and it's not just the once- it tends to be once a year for up to 5 days.

My friends are all absolutely fine with it when their husbands go and starting to wonder if I'm the only one who just thinks... FFS.

I've taken one 4 day mini break for myself in 8 years of parenting. Am I the odd one?

I wouldn't mind if just once a year and depending on costs/finances and also the age of children/babies (I think it really needs to be all hands on deck with little babies). I think you should try and get away more though so he understands the burden it places on you (because he experiences it too).

It wouldn't bother me per se, providing it wasn't regularly throughout the year. It would also depend on whether we had the budget to afford it, and providing I had the same opportunity and budget to go away myself with friends, with him picking up the slack.

Surely as long as the agreement is you both do it when the opportunity rises that is fine?

Obviously if finances don't allow it you need to compromise - alternate years?

Why haven't you been away? Choice? Because he uses all the spare cash to go? Opportunity hasn't arisen?

Depends on finances and roles. I am off about six times a year for a few nights while dh never goes. He could though and I support him in his interests.

Both DH and I have been on many weekends away since having our DD's, we would always prioritise a main family holiday first and would then only go away individually if finances allowed.

We would also just run the dates past each other so we could make sure there would not be a problem with the one staying home being available. Usually work commitments, DH works shifts so I would try to avoid going on a weekend when he was working and my job is busier at a certain time of the month so DH would try to avoid that time.

Quite frankly when DS was small I'd have gone mad with boredom if I hadn't been able to get away from time to time.
Life should not be all about nappies, washing and cleaning.
If you don't inject some interest in to your life you will die of the tediousness of it all.
I you yourself don't fancy actually going away and leaving kids with DH then at least take time out to do an evening class or something.

Absolutely fine with me but I've always had weekends away with friends too so it seems pretty fair to me. In fact I've had more weekends away than my DH. I personally think it's essential for adults to have a bit of a break from the (sometimes) drudgery of family life. It's good to get away, see friends, let your hair down etc. My DH has a hobby and I often encourage him to go away with mates to do his hobby. It's good for his mental health.

Exh never went away for pleasure when mine were young (not sure if he ever went purely for fun) but he travelled plenty for work and often seemed to add a day (apparently for cheaper flights ) which caused friction. The conferences at ski resorts didn't have afternoon meetings to allow you to ski for instance. Once the kids were older I did benefit because I often went with him and stayed in lovely 5 star hotels for free (just paid the airfare).

He then left me

Just seen your DH only goes away once a year. Its nothing! I probably go away 3 times a year to see friends and then have several more days out in London etc. Just make sure you have a break too and don't begrudge your husband one trip a year! You both deserve to have fun.

Perfectly fine. As long as its affordable and I get to do the same.

If its taking money from food or bill budgets than that's not okay.

DH goes away a couple of times a year (Covid permitting, so not in 2020, and once in 2021), although sometimes once is with his DM, but only 3 nights in Europe. He'd never ask to go for 5 nights to Vegas or something. I could go away, but I don't really have the opportunity (I don't have those types of friends and my babies are breastfed and the current one is only 8 months so it's difficult to do overnights) and he is a high earner (and I don't do too badly myself albeit am currently on mat leave) so it doesn't impact us financially (ie if we couldn't do family activities to pay for weekends away it would be different).

He does however travel extensively for work, 5 nights or so at a time, so I am used to managing alone, and a weekend away doesn't feel quite so arduous in comparison. If you can afford it, I don't see why it's an issue, as long as it's within reason. I have a friend with similar age children and she never 'lets' her DH go away, always makes a big fuss about how do I cope when he travels for work, and I have to say 'it's his job, it's not like we can say no'

I'm fine with it - but we have funds to go away both together and separately, neither of us ever "go mad" on spending and we each earn our own money. In the 28 years together we've rarely been away without each other, but I always feel I can - I would just say in advance. If DP wants to go away then of course no problem. A weekend hiking along canals and having a beer with some guys from work seems to be his thing occasionally, I have gone away and just slept and had long baths and not done anything! I secretly like it when he does go - I get lots done!

It is completely fine as long as you can afford it without impacting family life and you both get an equal chance to take a break.

Only fine if you can afford it - it isn't taking away from family money / holidays and you get the same opportunities to go away.

The guy is in a relationship not in jail

if finances allow then he should be free to go

Doesn't bother me. I do it every year. I go away with the girls. 9 European cities we've done. I also went away with Ds1's football team mums, twice. Dh went with the football dads. He's been on 6 stags, 2 football champion league trips.

I just see the issue. If money is tight he needs to save, over the year, do some overtime. If you don't go, then don't be a martyr, fix that, go with your friends. And I don't understand the implication of I can't cope without my husband there. When you know it's a short term thing it's easy to cope - why can't you cope with your children without your husband there, it's beggars belief. I literally cannot comprehend this viewpoint. And when I do go away my husband is perfectly capable of coping without me, in fact both ds's absolutely love it when I go away and they have a boys long weekend. I just don't get the issue.

I never had a problem with DH going away. I went away more then him though!

Perhaps that's your problem?

I've taken one 4 day mini break for myself in 8 years of parenting.

Why?

I absolutely fucking love it when Dh rarely goes away. I wish he would do it more often. You don't have to make anyone else a cup of tea, consider anyone, you can eat when you want. I shove a pizza in the in the oven for the ds's, they play Xbox constantly, and I lounge around watching shit on tv, it's fabulous - what's not to like?

I feel the same! It's healthy for a relationship to have some time apart.

As well as the points about equality and finances, I think it also depends on your DC.

Our DC were really terrible sleepers as babies/toddlers. One has SN and had very difficult behaviour as well as the sleep issues. The other had frequent illnesses. The years when they were both under 4 were exhausting, and doing several nights and days in a row solo would have been hellish. In those circumstances I think a lengthy trip away would have been quite selfish and neither of us contemplated it.

You are the default because you allow yourself to be through

book something. He’ll sort it out.

sounds like the only thing stopping you is you

This was me 12 or so years ago OP. It did my head in. But my DH did not even enter into a discourse with me about it. He was going off with his friends and that was that. He chose his mates over me and the kids and I hated him for it. Still do secretly! However now we are older he just wants to be with us. Funny thing is I’d love him to go out now as the kids are older and we have more money. Oh for a weekend on my own! I think looking back all the dads were just really immature in their 30s. Almost like they weren’t ready to be parents. They do seem to grow up when the hangovers get too bad. But usually when it’s too late.

Stop being a martyr and go away once a year too.

OR have a very honest conversation about your finances if his trips away are causing the whole family hardship.

Doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I find the idea that grown men aren’t “allowed” to go away with their friends very bizarre so long as it’s not a finance thing.

With young kids, it's hard work being left holding the fort, but I must admit that I was the first to shout "Yes!" when DH said he was going on a golf break again after the pandemic.

You just need to simplify routines and meals as much as possible, make sure you don't need to go anywhere that involves any stress, and if needed drop any activities for a few days. Won't harm anyone.

And the most important part is taking time for you when he's back - I never did weekends away but made sure that I had the equivalent time out that he'd had. That stops any level of resentment.