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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I need sertraline or is my husband a dick?

53 replies

bigshoutingday · 27/10/2022 20:02

I've been on sertraline 50mg for nearly a year. I was 7m post partum with my second child and was just so angry. I felt unsupported by my husband and that I was the default parent. Kept it under control for the most part but when I started shouting at the kids I knew it had to stop. Broke down to the HV who had the GP call me and diagnosed PND. I'm now not even sure if it was that.

Anyway, I've been back to work since the spring which helped massively and I've generally felt lots calmer and less prone to rage and definitely not at the kids. Spoke to the GP this week about coming off them and got a prescription for 25mg. I've been taking that for 3 days now and I'm so on edge and want to kill my husband. Appreciate there are side effects of reducing the dosage but I'm now wondering if actually I just need the higher dose to live with him?

DC2 wakes up at 5 every day. He has a BF in our bed then I get up with him. Every single time. One day a week (in theory) I get a lie in, except this week it was "I'll get up with him at 6" ok cool so I'll entertain him for the next 30 mins while you lie there either asleep, or worse, PRETENDING to be asleep but actually just being a shite dad and husband letting the boy cry and wreck the place and get more and more angry that he's trapped in our room when he wants downstairs to play/have breakfast. He's also started giving me the ick with his constant opinions on current affairs and actually on anything tbh. I can start a conversation on something of interest to me and it quickly turns into a monologue rather than a conversation.

We had a fight this afternoon cos I dropped an oven pan on my toe when I pulled something else out of the cupboard and I was already feeling tense and I shouted at the pan to fuck off. Not cool, but no one else in the room. He came and started shouting at me which then set both kids off and no wonder I could see how terrified my daughter was at the situation. He does this thing where he waits til I'm livid before he offers to help at which point it's too bloody late. Reactive rather than proactive.

Urgh I can hear how irritable I sound. Maybe it is the side effects. But genuinely if I have to take the pills to keep my relationship on keel, is that ok? Why should I be the pill popper? Why can't he just bloody get up in the morning. Or notice that the milk is nearly finished? Or that the washing on the clothes horse is dry and needs put away? Or replace the bastard lightbulb that I asked him to do 6 months ago (I can't prise it off myself, and rarely have a moment without 2 toddlers around my feet to be going up a ladder anyway)? Or phone someone about the gutter that's been pissing down the wall?

I feel in these type of posts people say oh he's a brilliant dad then give all the reasons why he isn't. I don't even feel like I want to say that right now. And the reasons why he's pissing me off are so bloody mundane.

Someone tell me it's a side effect and I'll love him again in a weeks time? Or tell me to LTB Grin I've been daydreaming about a nice little house for me and the kids with no men allowed!

OP posts:
MaggieMagpie357 · 27/10/2022 20:04

He sounds like a dick. And no amount of Sertraline is going to change that.

Discovereads · 27/10/2022 20:08

Do I need sertraline or is my husband a dick?
Yes. You do and he is.

CanIHaveAHolidayPlease · 27/10/2022 20:09

You takin sertraline is sadly not going to make him get out of bed when he's supposed to.

He needs a kick up the arse. Easier said than done sometimes Confused

JKRowlingDevilWoman · 27/10/2022 20:12

My youngest is 4 and now at school but I could have written this post myself until about a yr ago. It's so hard when they are both so young. I breastfed, and my husband is self employed, but he essentially abandoned me the day I got home from the hospital with the second to do it all by myself. I was recovering from a C-section, and they were shit times. It took me a long time to forgive him and move on. We've discussed it now and have worked to heal the relationship but it took a long time. It's only in the last 6months to a yr that I feel like we have a good relationship again. I can't advise you on what to do. I took sertraline for a while too and had the same thoughts over whether it was the pills keeping my marriage together. I'm off the sertraline now and my marriage is better, mainly because the kids are older and we've discussed our issues. He still does my head in but he is a good dad, he tries his best, and he does what he thinks is right for our marriage. I'm now glad I didn't split the family up but I was on the cusp of doing so.

Have you considered marriage counseling?

ChangePlease · 27/10/2022 20:14

I can identify with this to a much lesser degree. I have wondered before if I’d still need meds if DH was a domestic god and did more of what I end up sorting out. Who knows. I daren’t try to come off them at this point with tiny DC and trying to do a FT, high pressure job.

JKRowlingDevilWoman · 27/10/2022 20:14

I should add that the difference in my situation and yours is that my husband would take the kids in the morning and let me sleep. If he isn't doing that for you he needs a kick up the arse.

NewBrightonEel · 27/10/2022 20:15

I've been on sertraline for two years. It's not the sertraline, it's him - he's a dick.

Googlecanthelpme · 27/10/2022 20:17

Two separate issues here, you may be just riding out the side effects and need to give it a little more time to feel more stable on the lower dose. unfortunately you kind of have to wait to see how that pans out….but if you need to up your dose again because of YOU then totally reasonable.

the second issue is that your DH is not picking up his fair share of the emotional load and just general boring life shite that needs doing.
YANBU to feel on the edge with him because it’s infuriating. He is happy to let you run yourself into the ground and get up at 5am everyday whilst he luxuriates in bed (the lazy prick).

However if you don’t express this and don’t communicate how you need him to step up and be a better partner and parent then you are unreasonable.

If you tell him and he still fails to be an equal adult, well then I’d start looking for that house.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/10/2022 20:18

He’s a dick and he additionally thinks that all the housework, chores and mental load associated with that is your job. Indeed you taking Setraline is not going to change that.

Don’t put up with this from him and look into making what is now a daydream a reality.

Original poster
bigshoutingday · 27/10/2022 20:27

That's pretty unanimous 😂 not what I was expecting.

He's really hung up on the fact that he believes I don't think we're equals. Which is true. I don't. Cos we're not. Has he ever once noticed that a child's clothes are getting small and done any of the things required: look in the attic in the bags of clothes for bigger sizes, weed out the too small stuff, sell it on Vinted. Fill any gaps with "new" stuff from Vinted. No. None of those things. Got a nursery bag ready? Emptied nursery bag at the end of the day? Had a running knowledge on the exact location of fluffy bunny and which are the preferred jammies? No. So no we're not fucking equals are we?

God. Listen to me. Annoyingly we're supposed to be going away for our first child free city break next weekend. Part of reducing the sertraline was cos my sex drive is absolutely zero on it and I thought it might be nice to actually want a shag while we were away. I haven't told him I've reduced them. I feel weird talking about it. Like it's some sort of weakness to need them, which I know isn't true. I don't want him to think that the fight today was cos I can't handle not taking my happy pills. What a mess.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 27/10/2022 20:40

If he works full time and you don’t then you need to have a conversation about what is fair.

you need to discuss your expectations of each other and talk it out.

sorry but I think your reduction of serts is having an impact upon you and withdrawal can be nasty but varies from person to person

you have a lot of anger and it shows in this post. Toddlers are hard work!

WakingUpDistress · 27/10/2022 20:46

There is a theory that ADs are very often basically a way to cope with what is unacceptable situations. A twat if a husband, society issues etc…..

In this case, you have a twat of a DH.
Wether you would still need ADs if you weren’t together is a different issue, hard to say if he is still there iyswim.

IF you decide to tackle that issue, you might want to keep the ADs until you’ve sorted the issue out (whatever that might mean for you).

btw you dit have to tell him about you reducing the ADs. It’s your health. It’s private. But tbh, I’m not depressed and I would have been VERY unhappy at his behaviour. So not really sure your reaction is because you’ve reduced the dose. But rather reducing the dose means your totally logical feelings aren’t blunted.

tickticksnooze · 27/10/2022 20:47

... was just so angry. I felt unsupported by my husband and that I was the default parent.

Feeling angry about being treated badly is a normal response not a mental illness.

tickticksnooze · 27/10/2022 20:50

He came and started shouting at me which then set both kids off and no wonder I could see how terrified my daughter was at the situation

Why wouldn't you be angry about that behaviour? You had injured yourself and his response is to shout at you and frighten your small children. Did he check if you were ok? Because that would have been a normal response, not going off on one.

AnnieOid · 27/10/2022 21:16

i identify completely with your post. Never got up to either of our children. Never proactive, never organises anything, never has a clue what the time is, what’s happening or where he needs to be.

Yet I get moaned at for being stressed. That’s because it’s all on me. All of it.

He’s had a cold and his coughing is driving me up the wall. It’s so bloody loud, and every time I try and speak to him - he coughs and clears his throat about 10 times. Otherwise he slurs and mumbles so I can’t work out what’s he’s saying half the time anyway. I just need my own space away from him. He faffs about at work - so doesn’t get home until about 9pm week days. That’s great because I’m up early, go to bed early so I don’t see him. I hate weekends though.

AnnieOid · 27/10/2022 21:21

And Citalopram is the way I manage. Been on it now for 11 years (since DD was born).

LizzieSiddal · 27/10/2022 21:27

He came and started shouting at me which then set both kids off and no wonder I could see how terrified my daughter was at the situation

Your poor Dc. He cannot carry on being such a divk, he either sorts himself out- which means parenting his children and being kind to his wife, or he leaves.

Villagetoraiseachild · 27/10/2022 21:31

I would get counselling and/or couple counselling to help you get clearer and see if the relationship can be salvaged. Task division needs negotiating at the very least, OP. Good luck.

Brigante9 · 27/10/2022 22:56

It’s not you, it’s him. You’re doing all the mental load, he’s acting like he has no responsibilities while you do all the adulting. No wonder you’re resentful! You don’t need setraline, you need your dp to step the fuck up.

mauvish · 27/10/2022 22:59

It doesn't have to be either/or.

He can be a dick.
And you, quite seperately, can feel a lot better on sertraline.

been and done it. · 27/10/2022 23:05

For 10 years I couldn't make up my mind whether I was depressed because my marriage was shit or whether my marriage was shit because I was depressed when I finally realised the truth it was all to late..don't be that person.

BaconCabbage · 27/10/2022 23:09

I agree with pp who says it doesn't have to be either/or. But if your only symptom has ever been feeling annoyed with your husband, that could be more of a husband issue than a mental health one - although of course with small babies you're probably around husband most?

You might also be very sleep deprived. Are you putting DS to bed quite early if he is waking at 5?

Discovereads · 27/10/2022 23:35

tickticksnooze · 27/10/2022 20:47

... was just so angry. I felt unsupported by my husband and that I was the default parent.

Feeling angry about being treated badly is a normal response not a mental illness.

It can be. Most mental illness is actually a normal human reaction to an extremely not normal situation that is significantly impairing your day to day living.

Case in point: PTSD

PoseyFlump · 27/10/2022 23:43

Stupid partner behaviour aside ...

I haven't told him I've reduced them.

My DP occasionally decides he's going to reduce his meds. By the second or third day I just know without him telling me. Then it's awkward to ask. I try to tell him that he shouldn't see it as a weakness but that he needs the meds like a diabetic needs insulin shots. Don't reduce or come off without a plan. Have you tried cbd oil?

Original poster
bigshoutingday · 28/10/2022 07:39

7am and I have literally banged my head against the kitchen door in frustration. We're still not talking from yesterday. I had to grab his cup of coffee out of our 18mo's hands to stop him tipping it over himself and our bed. But I'm the asshole, somehow. We're both wfh today. Can't wait. Probably doesn't help that I forgot to take my pill last night so took it this morning instead which is about 9hrs later than normal. Idiot. At this rate I'm going to be enjoying my city break alone. Which tbh seems pretty appealing right now.

I don't even know who this angry person is cos it isn't me.

OP posts: