Do I need sertraline or is my husband a dick?

[bigshoutingday]

I've been on sertraline 50mg for nearly a year. I was 7m post partum with my second child and was just so angry. I felt unsupported by my husband and that I was the default parent. Kept it under control for the most part but when I started shouting at the kids I knew it had to stop. Broke down to the HV who had the GP call me and diagnosed PND. I'm now not even sure if it was that.

Anyway, I've been back to work since the spring which helped massively and I've generally felt lots calmer and less prone to rage and definitely not at the kids. Spoke to the GP this week about coming off them and got a prescription for 25mg. I've been taking that for 3 days now and I'm so on edge and want to kill my husband. Appreciate there are side effects of reducing the dosage but I'm now wondering if actually I just need the higher dose to live with him?

DC2 wakes up at 5 every day. He has a BF in our bed then I get up with him. Every single time. One day a week (in theory) I get a lie in, except this week it was "I'll get up with him at 6" ok cool so I'll entertain him for the next 30 mins while you lie there either asleep, or worse, PRETENDING to be asleep but actually just being a shite dad and husband letting the boy cry and wreck the place and get more and more angry that he's trapped in our room when he wants downstairs to play/have breakfast. He's also started giving me the ick with his constant opinions on current affairs and actually on anything tbh. I can start a conversation on something of interest to me and it quickly turns into a monologue rather than a conversation.

We had a fight this afternoon cos I dropped an oven pan on my toe when I pulled something else out of the cupboard and I was already feeling tense and I shouted at the pan to fuck off. Not cool, but no one else in the room. He came and started shouting at me which then set both kids off and no wonder I could see how terrified my daughter was at the situation. He does this thing where he waits til I'm livid before he offers to help at which point it's too bloody late. Reactive rather than proactive.

Urgh I can hear how irritable I sound. Maybe it is the side effects. But genuinely if I have to take the pills to keep my relationship on keel, is that ok? Why should I be the pill popper? Why can't he just bloody get up in the morning. Or notice that the milk is nearly finished? Or that the washing on the clothes horse is dry and needs put away? Or replace the bastard lightbulb that I asked him to do 6 months ago (I can't prise it off myself, and rarely have a moment without 2 toddlers around my feet to be going up a ladder anyway)? Or phone someone about the gutter that's been pissing down the wall?

I feel in these type of posts people say oh he's a brilliant dad then give all the reasons why he isn't. I don't even feel like I want to say that right now. And the reasons why he's pissing me off are so bloody mundane.

Someone tell me it's a side effect and I'll love him again in a weeks time? Or tell me to LTB I've been daydreaming about a nice little house for me and the kids with no men allowed!

It can also depend on how long you've been on the tablets, and of course different people react differently to the same medication. In any case, the fact that you're getting classic withdrawal symptoms within days of reducing the dose shows that you need to go a bit more slowly.

Here's how I did it. I got one of these pill cutters (you can chop up the tablets and keep the bits inside it)
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07JCSJ2F3/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o06_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

and one of these measuring scales
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B09G69ZVFN/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I was taking two 25 mg tablets per day. So, to start I wanted to reduce it to one tablet plus three-quarters of a tablet. First off, you'll find that each tablet doesn't actually weigh 25 mg, that's the just the amount of drug in it, most of it is chalk or whatever else the tablet is made of. So you need to weigh one tablet - the brand I'm on weighs 0.092 on the scales. Three-quarters of a tablet is about 0.070, so I cut a tablet into half then quarters and weighed out the bits (chopping again as necessary) to get the right weight. It's faffy and you'll not get it bang on. I took that dose for a few weeks, then reduced again so I was taking one tablet plus half a tablet - so 0.046-ish for the half tablet on the scales. After that I reduced the amount I was weighing out every few weeks to 0.040, 0.030, 0.025, 0.020, 0.015, 0.010, then stopped with the chopping and just took the one whole tablet. You'll not get the measurements exact, it'll vary day to day, but overall the reduction over time will be more gradual than jumping straight from 2 tablets to 1 tablet. You may find that you don't need to go as slow as I did, and that the steps can be bigger.

But, I was able to manage all that without a couple of toddlers and a PITA man-child mithering me 24/7! When the time is right for you to try it, you could ask if a nurse or pharmacist at your GPs could help you plan and keep track. Here's an article that might help you feel more confident talking to them about it.

www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/treatments-and-wellbeing/stopping-antidepressants

Don't feel pressured to stop the sertraline until you're in the right environment to give some attention to your own health and well-being, but also don't just accept that you have to be medicated to put up with an unhealthy situation.

(Oh, and spoiler alert - my libido hasn't come back from reducing to 25 mg. I don't expect it to until I stop taking it completely. There is a reason why sex offenders get put on these tablets 😂)

Thanks so much @Northseacrone thats so helpful. Wasn't sure what to do really but hopefully it'll become clearer after reading all that.

I told DH that I reduced the dose. He was annoyed I hadn't told him. We still managed to have a fight on the way to collect the kids from nursery this afternoon because I mentioned reducing liquids before DD goes to bed as part of night potty training I made him feel stupid because he said she never does have anything before bed (not true) and I described the exact situation last night where she had a big cup of juice in both of our presence seconds before going to bed. But I'm the dick for pointing in out, not him being the dick for insisting it didn't happen. So fucking mundane I can't even believe I typed it out. Stood at the nursery door being told how all I do is correct him and put him down and make sure that I am the only one who can possibly be right. Then we put on our happy smiling faces to get the kids.

I'm having lunch with a friend tomorrow. Hoping taking that time for myself will help too.

Urghh, that so reminds me of my exDH... he'd insist that black was white and night was day rather than admit to being wrong. To this day, 20 years on, I don't think he did it deliberately to manipulate me (and I've known people since who did use those tactics), I just think he couldn't conceive that someone else perceived something differently to him or that he had forgotten or not noticed something. The only way to cope with it was to keep tip-toe-ing on those eggshells and not contradict him. But, every time it happens over some mundane little thing, it wears you down and has you doubting your own senses a little bit more.

Glad to hear you're taking some time out with a friend. It's sooo useful to recount some of these seemingly mundane events, just to get confirmation 'no it's not me being the unreasonable one'!