Do I need sertraline or is my husband a dick?

[bigshoutingday]

I've been on sertraline 50mg for nearly a year. I was 7m post partum with my second child and was just so angry. I felt unsupported by my husband and that I was the default parent. Kept it under control for the most part but when I started shouting at the kids I knew it had to stop. Broke down to the HV who had the GP call me and diagnosed PND. I'm now not even sure if it was that.

Anyway, I've been back to work since the spring which helped massively and I've generally felt lots calmer and less prone to rage and definitely not at the kids. Spoke to the GP this week about coming off them and got a prescription for 25mg. I've been taking that for 3 days now and I'm so on edge and want to kill my husband. Appreciate there are side effects of reducing the dosage but I'm now wondering if actually I just need the higher dose to live with him?

DC2 wakes up at 5 every day. He has a BF in our bed then I get up with him. Every single time. One day a week (in theory) I get a lie in, except this week it was "I'll get up with him at 6" ok cool so I'll entertain him for the next 30 mins while you lie there either asleep, or worse, PRETENDING to be asleep but actually just being a shite dad and husband letting the boy cry and wreck the place and get more and more angry that he's trapped in our room when he wants downstairs to play/have breakfast. He's also started giving me the ick with his constant opinions on current affairs and actually on anything tbh. I can start a conversation on something of interest to me and it quickly turns into a monologue rather than a conversation.

We had a fight this afternoon cos I dropped an oven pan on my toe when I pulled something else out of the cupboard and I was already feeling tense and I shouted at the pan to fuck off. Not cool, but no one else in the room. He came and started shouting at me which then set both kids off and no wonder I could see how terrified my daughter was at the situation. He does this thing where he waits til I'm livid before he offers to help at which point it's too bloody late. Reactive rather than proactive.

Urgh I can hear how irritable I sound. Maybe it is the side effects. But genuinely if I have to take the pills to keep my relationship on keel, is that ok? Why should I be the pill popper? Why can't he just bloody get up in the morning. Or notice that the milk is nearly finished? Or that the washing on the clothes horse is dry and needs put away? Or replace the bastard lightbulb that I asked him to do 6 months ago (I can't prise it off myself, and rarely have a moment without 2 toddlers around my feet to be going up a ladder anyway)? Or phone someone about the gutter that's been pissing down the wall?

I feel in these type of posts people say oh he's a brilliant dad then give all the reasons why he isn't. I don't even feel like I want to say that right now. And the reasons why he's pissing me off are so bloody mundane.

Someone tell me it's a side effect and I'll love him again in a weeks time? Or tell me to LTB I've been daydreaming about a nice little house for me and the kids with no men allowed!

And the person who asked about bedtime. I can put my son down anytime between 6 and 8 and he still wakes bang on 5. Can't wait for the clocks to change and it to turn into 4 😭

You sound strung out 💐 the lack of sleep and carrying all the mental & physical load of running the house and looking after the kids is taking its toll. The mental health problems won't help either.
Are you both working full time?

He needs to step up.

What is his contribution ?

He works full time with usually 2 days from home. I work part time 3 days, 1 from home.

He cleans the kitchen at the end of the day. Takes the bins out. Does his own washing. Maybe 1 week a month he'll write a shopping list and do the food shop. This is a vast improvement tbh. We're still working on his ability to meal plan and remember to buy things like loo roll and toothpaste. If you'd asked me a week ago I'm sure I could've given a glowing report on him but right now I'm struggling to think of anything positive to say. He's had his own mental health struggles (but refuses medication) and has had a tough time the last few years.

God could you imagine a mother who struggled to remember to buy toilet roll and got to go oopsie and someone else dealt with it? Why on Earth are men allowed to get away with this shit. And no, I haven't actually bought toilet roll this week. We're down to the last roll, will it last til we go shopping tomorrow? Who knows. I'd say not my problem, except that the stupid dose change has given me the shits. So yes, it really is my problem.

I think this thread might be fuelling my hatred for him a bit. Time to take a break and actually do some work I think.

Your DH does sound like a dick but talk to the doctor before changing anything with your meds. It's possible you do need the meds and your is a dick.

I just want to say, i appreciate your rage.
He's a fully grown adult man who holds down a job so he is capable of doing these things, he just cant be arsed and subconciously knows you'll do it. You SHOULD be angry. Why are there so many men like this??
I have a theory that at least 20% of post natal depression is actually just the natural result of being sleep deprived and still doing fucking everything because your partner is useless.
Yes, you should have a fixed plan when weaning off it but dont stop being angry - he's the one who needs to fix being shit.

What was your childhood like. My DF was angry and we walked on eggshells around him, turns out DH can be the same on occasions but it causes me real anxiety due to the past, I think this contributes to me needing medication.
It is not good living with someone not pulling their weight and constantly making you stressed (at the unfairness) and angry (at their laziness).
I don't know what the answer is - could you separate? Things will improve as DCs get older, is it worth hanging on for that.

I have literally banged my head against the kitchen door in frustration.

I really don't think you should be reducing your meds to regain your libido for a trip that won't happen if you both carry on like this. It's not worth it.

OP I was with you 100% until you started having a bit of a rant about him not doing stuff on Vinted.

You both work and have 2 young children. Things like pissing about flogging stuff on Vinted is just too much extra admin. Just buy clothes new; if money is tight you buy them at Primark. Put used ones in a charity bag. Job done.

He actually doesn't sound that bad and he does a fair few chores from your later description and he's obviously not lazy.

You need to find a way to communicate with him that doesn't involve shouting or resentment. You need to be a team and he needs to get on board with that. People on here are very quick to say LTB.

Drugs won't help with this arse - he needs to pick up the load or enjoy doing everything with them when you break up on his weekends

Also he does his own washing? So he doesn't even do a family load? Shocking

@bigshoutingday

I do tell myself sometimes that it’s simply not his skill set - where as the social stuff is my skill set. I’m shit with anything to do with technology, and make the most basic mistakes. Is it just the same with him except he is shit at social stuff?? Except if he went on anti depressants because of my inability to wire a plug - I’d DO something about it…

I can remember feeling the way you do oh so well, my partner would tell me to take my happy pills. He was the problem, he was selfish self serving twat. I left when DD was 2 I have found it hard at points not having another adult there to fall back on but I couldn’t fall back on him anyway.

He is remarried and still self serving twat, I guess she has way more patience than me.

I think you need a serious talk. Maybe use your time away that’s coming up to do so with no distractions. Sertraline isn’t going to solve the issues in your marriage is it. Your husband needs to know how serious things are - he’s probably pretty oblivious ( maybe deliberately so as it’s easier to blame your ‘moods’ than blame himself.) If he wants your marriage to work he has to do more - but he may need help understanding what that looks like.

Its nothing to do with his supposed lack of skill set; he can see and knows what needs to be done.

He sees the housework and life admin as primarily your job and your job alone.

Whenever I read posts like these they take me back. DH is now a very hands on dad and has been for years. But he was an arsehole for two years until I just stopped being the one who did everything and instructed him calmly and politely to take his fair share of the load. I had to teach him how (eg, if he was 'taking DC out for the day' so I could get 'time off' it was me who got them up, changed, dressed, fed, made packed lunches for everyone and he still never left the house before 11am. If it was my turn to give him a break, I did these things too. Until the day I pointed this out - not angrily but very calmly and said, 'You need to do these things when it is your turn and you need to be out of the house for four hours as agreed.'

I also made a very long list of all the stuff that needs doing (like you just did about the clothes) but EVERYTHING. Then I asked him, when he is looking after DC all day does he find it hard work or can he get on with loads of other stuff. He admits it is full on, so that's the time to point out that it is a job in itself and all the other jobs need to be shared equally. You get shopping, cooking, laundry done with small DC around but the bulk of tidying and cleaning needs to be shared equally. And so do the bloody early mornings. For you to get a lie in he needs to get up at 5 not 6 and not leave his child distressed. That is cruel and idle.
Now you are back at work, all domestic jobs should be shared. Try to simplify them and make them fun but get them done with him.

My DH was useless but benign so when I pointed it out very clear many times he finally got it and pulled his weight. Shouldn't have to but imo, infinitely preferable to divorce and single motherhood. They don't get any better at pulling their weight if they aren't around!

Your DH sounds pretty hopeless and I’m not surprised you want to bang your head against a brick wall.

When you go away I think you really need a serious chat with him because he needs to wake up and quickly.

Being married to him must be like a death by a thousand cuts.

When you’ve got someone as bad as that, it’s actually easier to do it all alone (you are anyway) without them they’re winding the fuck out of you with their incompetence.

Do not let him blame you because you’re the one on medication. It’s because of his complete laziness, incompetence and frankly getting you to carry the whole load.

And btw, the gutter and lightbulb jobs alone say a lot about him as it is regardless of everything else.

Why too late, if you don't mind me asking?

My daughter was on sertraline during her marriage. Then she had a revelation about her abusive husband, came off the anti depressants and left him. That was 4 years ago and she hasn't had any need to take anti depressants despite police involvement, family court and being a single parent. It was her terrible marriage making her depressed.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

You say that, but DS probably has ASD. He is completely unable to express his needs whether it’s needing the toilet or getting a drink. He doesn’t know how to communicate with people, yet I’m sure he probably be able to wire a plug in a few years time. I see a lot a parallels with DP and DS.

DS is definitely going to struggle with any kind of life skills but will be able to do anything in depth if it involves sequencing or an intense amount of focus.

With respect, if this thread was written by a man who said he was literally banging his head against the door because of his wife would we say that's perfectly acceptable?

I think theres a bit more going on here. The OP said she was reducing her meds. It's a complicated situation.

I could have written this.

Let me just tell you now.

Now I don't live with that piece of shite, I'm not depressed at all!

When you live alone, you have to do it all. But you've not got any one else getting in the way.

Kids are easier to handle.

There are no expectations for sex.

Food bill gets smaller.

It's just sooooo much better.

Yeah you might be depressed but I don't know any one who'd be happy with this set up.

I think how you are feeling is very common. Should it be? Probably not so this isn't an attempt to justify his behaviour, more reassurance that it might get better.

My husband isn't lazy and would get up in the morning but the mental load was all mine. From sorting the mortgage to the food shop to clothing the kids. I get the wanting to explode feeling.

But the small child stage does pass and sleep gets better.

Are there any practical ways to make life easier? Can you devolve a job exclusively to him? In our case it was food shopping. My husband started doing it in lock down as he worked out of the house and has never stopped. Now I have no idea what we need! Dipping in and out is harder so just tell him it's now his job.

What I also found useful was adding him to the Amazon prime account. He wouldn't go to a shop but will order a new runner for the shower or bracket for the gutter on there. He's also stated to get bits for the kids when they need them.

Rather than being angry try and find some solutions.

Also try and get some time out for you. Even if you just go out in the car, sit in the middle of no where and scream! You need a bit of mental space that isn't work so from now on every Tuesday or whatever he sorts the kids and you go to a friend's, for a walk, for a coffee. Anything but it is a routine and it doesn't change

Firstly, yes, he is a dick - as everyone here is saying, no amount of pills taken by you will change that.

As for the sertraline, halving the dose from 50 to 25 all in one go will give you side effects. I tried, and experienced surging anxiety, agitation, 'electric shocks' and banging in my head, stomach cramps and the runs within the first few days - and I've got nothing stressful or upsetting in my life so it was all caused by the change in dose. I read from other people's experience that 'pushing through' those withdrawal effects can result in them getting worse. So instead, I went back to 50 mg then spent around 6 months very gradually reducing the dose a little at a time every few weeks using a pill crusher and jewelers (drug dealers!) scales off Amazon. I'll do the same thing to get down from 25 mg to nothing. Of course, all this requires planning and attention, which would be difficult with a DH making everyday life so chaotic 😣

Thing is, a lot of GPs don't really know about the long-term effects of antidepressants. They think that they're pretty benign pills - bit like the Valium they used to dish out to stressed mothers in the old days!

There’s nothing wrong with taking the sertraline to cope with a dick. Once the dick is removed from the equation or has transformed itself into a decent bloke, then think about reducing the sertraline.

Thanks for the advice about reducing dose. Googling suggested that going from 50 to zero was fine. Although maybe that was more for people on much higher doses to begin with. Do you mind me asking a bit more about the process? So what, dropping down a mg a week? And do you grind it up and keep a powder and measure it out? Really does sound like a drug dealer 😅 does indeed take planning. Not always the easiest with the wee ones.