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Original poster

Boyfriend staying over 4 days a week

45 replies

BananaCocktails · 27/10/2022 19:04

My boyfriend stays at mine 4 days a week
he is currently living with his mum whilst he sorts out a new place
he had to leave last place as landlord sold

i have 7 year old dd, he will buy meals for us ( not every day )cost of living Is high and I feel shifty for feeling like this but I want to tell him that although am very happy if he stays over he will have to contribute toward hot water (metered) and electric ( metered) as obviously his being here showering using appliances ect is costing more not to mention buying more in food such as milk bread tea bags coffee toothpaste and shower gel
he does buy some meals to cook but not every day he stays and of course he shouldn’t have to , however am finding am using extra cupboard ingredients to cook for 3 rather than 2
AIBU to ask for contribution, I don’t want him to move in as an not ready for that yet been together for a year

OP posts:
PickledRat · 27/10/2022 19:39

If you start charging rent you need to consider your position in terms of universal credit/benefits. If you are claiming UC as a single mother and getting a single person council tax discount I think it would be unwise to ask for official contributions that make it appear that he is living with you. Have you thought about telling him not to stay so often?

Silvercurtains · 27/10/2022 19:44

‘He is currently living with his mum whilst he sorts out a new place’ - how long has he been living with her? Is he saving? Has he applied for other places? Is he a man who leeches onto women to take care of him as he appears to be doing with you? He’s at yours more than half the week? Does he do any housework?

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 27/10/2022 19:49

You have got yourself a very pleasant cock lodger. He must be rolling in money now.

GrazingSheep · 27/10/2022 19:53

How long are you with him?
He must think he has landed on his feet !

JoanCandy · 27/10/2022 20:19

This scenario has 'cock lodger' written all over it.
If he's eating at your place and using the utilities then, 100%, he should be paying a financial contribution. Does he pay housekeep to his Mum ? If so, he definitely should pay a contribution to you !

Original poster
BananaCocktails · 27/10/2022 21:42

Thank you for the replies, If I ask him not to stay he is fine with that , (I have made it clear that he cannot move in ) however I am going to make it clear when I see him tomorrow that either he stays less or makes a Financial contribution towards the bills As I’m definitely not going to keep spending extra for him to stay I feel mean saying this but all the extras do add up
he is generous Otherwise always bringing me gifts bringing my daughter bits et cetera so I feel awful But unfortunately those gifts don’t make up for the extra that I’m paying in utilities.. I wonder if there’s a nice way I can approach this

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 27/10/2022 21:52

Just be honest.
Either it's good enough or it isn't.

transatlantica · 27/10/2022 21:57

I had an ex like this. As soon as I asked for a contribution he said he wasn't living at mine he was living at his mums. He cleared off when I stuck to my guns and it was clear he was going to have to cough up. Sneaky trick to get out of paying anyone any rent/keep.

Ginger1982 · 27/10/2022 22:00

How long have you been together?

HyggeandTea · 27/10/2022 22:07

I would be honest and keep it simple. Assuming you like him staying over and he is a nice guy, it shouldn't be a problem.

'Dave, it's great you being here, but unsurprisingly the bills have gone up and I'm starting to worry about money. '

'Dave'* should then immediately offer to pay a contribution. If he doesn't, then at least you know.

*generic name given for the sake of this example!

Brightstar29 · 27/10/2022 22:13

I had an ex in a similar situation before we formally moved in together. I made him pay for the food shop as his contribution. Then when he formally moved in we split everything x

Icantthinkwhat · 27/10/2022 22:18

Do you earn independently or reliant on benefits? Important question.

2bazookas · 27/10/2022 22:38

Say to him " MY child is feeling a bit confused about our relationship. I'm not looking for a live in partner and she's certainly not ready for one. So it would be better if you spent more time at your mothers."

ChrisTrepidation · 27/10/2022 22:48

Don't worry about being 'nice' just tell him what you've told us.

A decent man will agree and pay up accordingly. A Cocklodger will argue you're wrong. If he does the latter then you know what to do...

AuntieDickhead · 27/10/2022 22:51

PickledRat · 27/10/2022 19:39

If you start charging rent you need to consider your position in terms of universal credit/benefits. If you are claiming UC as a single mother and getting a single person council tax discount I think it would be unwise to ask for official contributions that make it appear that he is living with you. Have you thought about telling him not to stay so often?

This. If he's contributing financially then you may not be considered as a single parent by UC anymore. Assuming you claim that is. Sorry if you don't.

OldFan · 27/10/2022 22:51

Do you earn independently or reliant on benefits? Important question.

Not really. Either way the bloke is adding to OP's expenses. His contribution wouldn't be to her own existing expenses (covered by any work or benefits), but to the additional expense he is causing.

Either way, it's just good manners for him to offer something. If he's tight it's not an endearing trait @BananaCocktails and is a red flag.

OldFan · 27/10/2022 22:53

He would still not be living there so wouldn't be considered to be living there for benefits purposes.

Anon778833 · 27/10/2022 22:54

FGS it’s nobody’s business whether the OP gets UC or not.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 27/10/2022 22:56

has he been living with his mom all the time you have been seeing him? how did it work before then, and how would you like the relationship to work? Do you want to see him that often, and at your house, and with your daughter? Before you tlak to him about money, work out what it is that you want, as he may have just comfortably starting scournging off you cocklodging. Buying gifts makes him seem like mr nice guy, but he's leaving you to do the mummy/housewife/looking after. If you are financially not flush, how come he hasn't been grown up enough to notice this, and do something that is genuinely thoughtful - buy shopping that gives you more than he takes, rather than buy presents that don't feed kids, or water meters, or pay bills. Not looking good ...

Musti · 28/10/2022 05:15

Talk to him. Explain that your bills have gone up since he stays there. You’re not asking him for rent, just his share of bills.

Aikko · 28/10/2022 08:22

Congratulations. You have a cock lodger.

GoldenCupidon · 28/10/2022 08:29

Maybe he is a dick, but maybe he just hasn’t thought about it.

I would have a think about what roughly would cover the cost of him staying there, and ask him for that. With everything in the news he can’t have failed to notice that food and energy is getting pricier. So do a bit of maths and say “Dave, this is a bit awkward but I’ve noticed since you’ve been staying over 4 nights a week our bills have gone up by about eg £30 per week compared with when it’s just me and DD. Obviously I love having you here but it would be great if you could cover this as we’re on a tight budget as it is.”

GoldenCupidon · 28/10/2022 08:30

If you didn’t have a child and he lived away from his mum’s presumably you’d be staying at each other’s and things would balance out more, so this is basically to make up for the fact that that’s not an option.

baileys6904 · 28/10/2022 08:32

How long have you been together

vdbfamily · 28/10/2022 08:38

Just be honest and say whilst you appreciate the gifts, you are actually struggling to pay the bills and would prefer he contributed cash for that purpose rather than gifts.

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