dating sexually inexperienced new man - advice please?

[candykittensareoverrated]

I have been divorced from an abusive ex for three years and have recently met somebody new (also divorced.) I am 40 and he is 49. He is keen on me and has made it clear that he wants to marry again and have another long term relationship which is also what I want. He has been very respectful of me, happy to go at my pace, we have a strong emotional connection and lots of commonalities. We both have 3 DC the same age and do a similar line of work. He is really keen on me but not rushing me and we have a lot of fun together with our clothes on.

I have a history of quite dysfunctional relationships where there has always been (or I have sought out) a power dynamic. I have found myself before in quite abusive S&M style sexual relationships where I get a kind of stockholm syndrome and physiological and psychological addicition through being treated badly. I have made active choices to get away from this, but.... and this is the big problem... I am already finding the intimacy with this new man too sedate and I am worried he also has a fear of intimacy.

He does not have a huge amount of sexual experience. He likes missionary position and kissing all the time (constantly to the point my mouth is sore afterwards. It feels like being a teenager again) His touch is extremely gentle, which is lovely, but almost to the point sometimes where I don't feel anything. He really wants to please me and give me orgasms but is also a bit too intimacy avoidant to hear from me clearly what will work and what won't. I can tell he is not particularly confident in his body image. I think he looks great, but he hides himself away and tries to keep his clothes on as much as possible. When we are having sex he avoids eye contact. He gets erections without help, is keen to have sex (so no lack of drive or asexuality) and doesn't watch porn (which is so unlike all the other men I know.) He said he and his wife divorced because she stopped loving him and stopped fancying him and it became cold between them.

I have told him that I think he is out of practice in terms of physical affection and that I think he is fearful of intimacy. Outside of the bedroom he takes it on board. I have said it in a kind, complementary way but there is a nagging doubt at the back of my mind.

I really respect you all on these boards and your take on the middle aged dating world. Am I so sullied by the porn-emulating, viagra-using middle aged men out there that I don't recognise a good one when I see it? If he has reached the age of 49 unable to have even fleeting eye contact during sex, or to receive feedback, does that mean he never will? Is anyone in a relationship where everything else is good but the sex is mediocre?

I think if I met someone and they told me I was out of practice and essentially " shit in bed " I'd be off.
You have different sexual styles, neither of you are wrong you're just not compatible

I’d have an open and honest chat with him personally. You’re physically attracted to him so that’s a great start. When you are intimate tell him what you do/don’t like. Guide him whilst your intimate I know it’s hard as you’ve mention from your previous relationship, but he sounds like a good man who will listen. Everyone has had different sexual experiences and there’s things you could actually probably teach each other!

I doubt you’ll be able to change decades of what seems to be normal for him. Of course his wife stopped fancying him and wanting to have sex with him: he sounds terrible in bed and he’s not willing, even if the reason is due to lack of confidence, to talk about how to improve it or change what he does.

Just because this man seems nice in comparison to previous dysfunctional or abusive relationships doesn’t mean he’s the right man for you (or for anyone) and that you should give him a chance. You’ve tried to tell him what you like. He hasn’t bothered to take it on board. Settling for mediocre sex is pointless and no different to settling for mediocre or inadequate any other aspect.

@candykittensareoverrated ) He said he and his wife divorced because she stopped loving him and stopped fancying him and it became cold between them.

His ex wife left him because he’s not really into sex and he bailed out of bedroom activities not long after getting married. It got cold between them and she started looking elsewhere.

seriously OP… if you’re having these sorts of sexual issues with DP during the “honey moon stage” imagine how it’s going to be later on. This man is not sexually pleasing you and you’re putting up with him because “he’s a good man”, you have a tendency to overlook your own needs to favour others. Stop doing that.

I dont mean this to sound as harsh as it perhaps will so my apologies in advance as I'm just kinda gonna be blunt here.

I think you are letting the fact that you have been in abusive relationships ( so sorry about that 💐) make you feel you should be grateful for someone who doesn't hurt you even if hes not what you really want or are sexually compatible with.

Its ok to want good sex. You don't need to justify why you find it a problem.that you don't. If its not something you are willing to compromise on then that's your call amd you don't need to feel guilty about it.

Everyone needs to learn what their new partners like. So expecting it to be amazing right away is not necessarily realistic. BUT- it's not reasonable to not be able to talk about it or take encouragment/feedback. If someone's not willing to listen then they dont care enough about your pleasure and your feelings. You don't need to make excuses for him.

Its perfectly possible to just not he sexualky compatible. It happens. Its horrible when it does but there's not alot that you can do about it.

You need to make a decision. Is he enough for you without the sex or not?

If not then its over. Akd you dont need a specific set of approved reasons as to why its over. You don't owe eachother anything

You're 40
Take a good look at the relationship/sex boards on here and elsewhere.
Huge numbers of women go off sex completely at the menopause.
He could be perfect!

That said, sex is huge for me despite my elderly years so I would always want someone compatible.

Further complication is your previous sex experiences, which you are trying to break away from and form new types of sexual bonds. I'd also ask yourself if you are subconsciously sabotaging - but I don't know where you go from there, sorry!

he Sounds like my kinda bloke tbh! I hate aggressive , kinky , violent sex . To me that isn’t intimacy but scratching a sexual itch which is absolutely fine if that’s what you’re there for . Occasional , gentle, respectful sex with a focus on companionship and love is an ideal for quite a few relationships I think.
your sexual preferences and his will never align . I think you’re perhaps better as friends.
look for someone else who’s more on your vibe with the sex.

I think he is a great place for you to start at regarding normal and healthy sex. He may be on the gentler side of normal for you, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. Maybe try showing him how you like to be touched- nothing kinky just show him you're not going to break if he's more than gentle.

You really should try to re-learn what you like- maybe that involves an element of safe kinky sex but for now try to enjoy romantic sex. Then when you know each other's bodies you can introduce new things. Don't write him off just yet, just see how he settles in with you trying new things.

I think he is a great place for you to start at regarding normal and healthy sex.

Avoiding eye contact with your partner during sex is not normal or healthy. Being too avoidant to want to listen to what your partner is telling you works and doesn’t work for them is not normal or healthy. Hiding your body away and wanting to keep your clothes on during sex is not normal or healthy. The OP has said this man does all of these things.

It’s no wonder so many women end up in sexless relationships with people they don’t feel able to talk to about the audition, if they’re encouraged to settle for the above just because it isn’t kinky or rough and he isn’t abusive.

I would start by telling him that it seems like he feels uncomfortable having sex with you because there is no eye contact from him - and is it something you could practice together as it's important to you to feel connected that way.

It may be though that you've gone from one extreme to the other and what you really need is some middle ground here. He might just not be right for you any more than the men at the other end of the scale. I would try being very clear (kindly) about what you want and need and how you can work on it together and see how that goes.

Be aware though that a person with very low self esteem who is very passive and avoidant can be as dysfunctional in a relationship as one who is in your face and violent.

This. I’ve dated the overly aggressive sexual type that wanted to do nothing with what worked/not worked for me to the passive asexual who was “always too busy for sex” and wanted nothing with what worked/not worked for me. Both attitudes were gaslighting and both guys just hoped that I would “put up and get used to” in some sort of very passive aggressive grooming. None worked for me or fulfilled my sex needs. Emotional abuse comes in very different colours and shapes.

This is so true. I wish I'd learned this earlier in my life.

TBH this kind of relationship/sexual advice is so much more useful than how to put a condom on a banana!

@Goosygandy TBH this kind of relationship/sexual advice is so much more useful than how to put a condom on a banana!

who puts condoms on bananas? In all my life I never had to. Plus that's pretty easy, real life consists of putting a condom in a slippery slip soft dick at 3 in the morning to a drunk guy. They don't train you for that.

*He likes missionary position

kissing all the time (constantly to the point my mouth is sore afterwards)

His touch is extremely gentle, which is lovely, but almost to the point sometimes where I don't feel anything.

He really wants to please me and give me orgasms but is also a bit too intimacy avoidant to hear from me clearly what will work and what won't

he hides himself away and tries to keep his clothes on as much as possible

When we are having sex he avoids eye contact*

Well he's kinda shit in bed, just in a totally different way than your ex partners.

But that still means he's kinda shit in bed.

It's a pity but presumably sex is an important part of a relationship for you so committing & investing further doesn't seem wise.

One could hope he would change, but if he can't be communicated with/doesn't take it onboard/ is avoidant.... Is it likely to?

He has been very respectful of me, happy to go at my pace, we have a strong emotional connection and lots of commonalities.

Rereading your post, it seems like it's worth trying a bit more to communicate with him and see if he can take on board what you would like to change.

You're just going to have to say "I like kissing but all the time; too much of it gives me a sore jaw ..." So hopefully he cuts that out.

You're going to have to show him what you enjoy/what gets you off.

You're going to have to initiate switching up positions.

You're going to have to lavish praise on his body and say you like to see it.

You're going to have to tell him you love eye contact sometimes when being intimate.

You're going to have to tell him you prefer a bit former touch.

If, after communicating all this and perhaps reiterating a few times, he doesn't adapt his behaviour ....... You know you tried you best and he was wmsinoly not change to change

It's sounds like it's worth at least trying.

*firmer touch

*You know you tried you best and he was simply not going to change or can't change

Also it might be worth trying to draw this man out and get him to loosen up via other means.... Flirting and suggestiveness via messaging. Perhaps some tastefully sexy images exchanged via messaging. Asking about fantasies via messaging (much easier than face to face for an inhibited person).

A small amount of alcohol may relax and disinhibit him.

Sending him links to something erotic ... Story, images, the lighter end of sex toys.

I'm not suggesting you go at this v full on ... Just gently and gradually.

I haven't met many men who don't come out of themselves with flirting leading to sexting, pics of sexy lingerie and being asked their opinion on it, things like that etc. etc.

Also you could post this on the Sex board, and the men on there (the only place there seem to be many of them on here, hmm) could give their advice.

They might have good insight/suggestions in addition to female posters.

You have different sexual styles, neither of you are wrong you're just not compatible

People always say shit like this but sometimes people really do do things that are objectively not "good". Like the non stop becking til ops jaw hurts. Or the hiding themselves (not a turn on for many people) or the lack of eye contact during intimacy (not really natural and v awkward.

Some things are objectively wrong/not good.

I don't understand why so many posters on this forum have to pretend that's not the case; they do it about relationships too ... I posted about a man who didnt want us to socialise separately and thought any separate socialising was inappropriate in a relationship, he was causing arguments about it etc. Most posters were highly critical but still several posters 'you're just not compatible, there's nothing wrong with either of your views...". No, there was something wrong with his view!! It was objectively controlling and unreasonable. It wasn't just incompatibility. Sure, he could find someone the sane but that wouldn't mean it was a healthy, reasonable relationship and that view was right.

Back on topic op, how about communicating what you want him to do via message (one you've got a bit of flirtation and sexting going) if he avoidant in person.

Sat you can't wait to see him next, you were in town and saw this & that (nice lingerie/whatever) in the window/shop, which does he like the best, then ask what he'd like to do to you in that, when you meet.... Then say what you'd love him to do to you when you meet etc.

It might be easier to plant ideas and preferences indirectly as such, if he's shy and avoidant in person.

Some wine when you meet help things along.

Also on your general question ... No I don't think you're judging harshly/wrongly because of previous experiences ... You aren't looking for him, a "vanilla", man to become a Dom or sub or do anything non standard. You just don't want to be given a side jaw from incessant necking, you'd like a position other than missionary sometimes, you'd like a touch that you can feel, you'd like someone you're being intimate with to make eye contact sometimes, you'd like them to not cover themselves up, you'd like them to be able to take a small bit of feedback)guidance on how to help you get off..... None of this is anything out of the ordinary.

I think he's a classic example of 'you can't teach an old dog new tricks'. Some men are open to being instructed, some are not. I think this one is not.

The BDSM stuff is a red herring - as @LemonDrop22 says: You just don't want to be given a side jaw from incessant necking, you'd like a position other than missionary sometimes, you'd like a touch that you can feel, you'd like someone you're being intimate with to make eye contact sometimes, you'd like them to not cover themselves up, you'd like them to be able to take a small bit of feedback)guidance on how to help you get off..... None of this is anything out of the ordinary

He does not have a huge amount of sexual experience.

do you actually know this, or is the case that he has experienced less sexual variety than you?

I am already finding the intimacy with this new man too sedate

You might be expecting to sexually act in way that he is not comfortable with but you are.

I have told him that I think he is out of practice in terms of physical affection and that I think he is fearful of intimacy.

if someone said this this to me it would certainly knock whatever confidence I might have had after getting out of a cold loveless marriage.

I think he looks great, but he hides himself away and tries to keep his clothes on as much as possible. When we are having sex he avoids eye contact. He gets erections without help, is keen to have sex

I would guess he lacks sexual confidence in his own ability to please you ( not necessarily experience), if you want to carry on with this guy I would suggest you try to build his confidence not undermine it ( comments about looking great etc), before moving onto updating his bedroom moves.

Someone upthread said a man’s comments might help, so that’s my ten pence, for whats it’s worth.

What Lemondrop above says, but also along with this can you both take a holiday?
Get away from your normal everyday environments, if you can, go somewhere warm for a week?
Relaxed, long, lazy afternoons…
I’m also older, and it worked for my (even older) companion