I have been divorced from an abusive ex for three years and have recently met somebody new (also divorced.) I am 40 and he is 49. He is keen on me and has made it clear that he wants to marry again and have another long term relationship which is also what I want. He has been very respectful of me, happy to go at my pace, we have a strong emotional connection and lots of commonalities. We both have 3 DC the same age and do a similar line of work. He is really keen on me but not rushing me and we have a lot of fun together with our clothes on.
I have a history of quite dysfunctional relationships where there has always been (or I have sought out) a power dynamic. I have found myself before in quite abusive S&M style sexual relationships where I get a kind of stockholm syndrome and physiological and psychological addicition through being treated badly. I have made active choices to get away from this, but.... and this is the big problem... I am already finding the intimacy with this new man too sedate and I am worried he also has a fear of intimacy.
He does not have a huge amount of sexual experience. He likes missionary position and kissing all the time (constantly to the point my mouth is sore afterwards. It feels like being a teenager again) His touch is extremely gentle, which is lovely, but almost to the point sometimes where I don't feel anything. He really wants to please me and give me orgasms but is also a bit too intimacy avoidant to hear from me clearly what will work and what won't. I can tell he is not particularly confident in his body image. I think he looks great, but he hides himself away and tries to keep his clothes on as much as possible. When we are having sex he avoids eye contact. He gets erections without help, is keen to have sex (so no lack of drive or asexuality) and doesn't watch porn (which is so unlike all the other men I know.) He said he and his wife divorced because she stopped loving him and stopped fancying him and it became cold between them.
I have told him that I think he is out of practice in terms of physical affection and that I think he is fearful of intimacy. Outside of the bedroom he takes it on board. I have said it in a kind, complementary way but there is a nagging doubt at the back of my mind.
I really respect you all on these boards and your take on the middle aged dating world. Am I so sullied by the porn-emulating, viagra-using middle aged men out there that I don't recognise a good one when I see it? If he has reached the age of 49 unable to have even fleeting eye contact during sex, or to receive feedback, does that mean he never will? Is anyone in a relationship where everything else is good but the sex is mediocre?