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Original poster

dating sexually inexperienced new man - advice please?

55 replies

candykittensareoverrated · 26/10/2022 11:17

I have been divorced from an abusive ex for three years and have recently met somebody new (also divorced.) I am 40 and he is 49. He is keen on me and has made it clear that he wants to marry again and have another long term relationship which is also what I want. He has been very respectful of me, happy to go at my pace, we have a strong emotional connection and lots of commonalities. We both have 3 DC the same age and do a similar line of work. He is really keen on me but not rushing me and we have a lot of fun together with our clothes on.

I have a history of quite dysfunctional relationships where there has always been (or I have sought out) a power dynamic. I have found myself before in quite abusive S&M style sexual relationships where I get a kind of stockholm syndrome and physiological and psychological addicition through being treated badly. I have made active choices to get away from this, but.... and this is the big problem... I am already finding the intimacy with this new man too sedate and I am worried he also has a fear of intimacy.

He does not have a huge amount of sexual experience. He likes missionary position and kissing all the time (constantly to the point my mouth is sore afterwards. It feels like being a teenager again) His touch is extremely gentle, which is lovely, but almost to the point sometimes where I don't feel anything. He really wants to please me and give me orgasms but is also a bit too intimacy avoidant to hear from me clearly what will work and what won't. I can tell he is not particularly confident in his body image. I think he looks great, but he hides himself away and tries to keep his clothes on as much as possible. When we are having sex he avoids eye contact. He gets erections without help, is keen to have sex (so no lack of drive or asexuality) and doesn't watch porn (which is so unlike all the other men I know.) He said he and his wife divorced because she stopped loving him and stopped fancying him and it became cold between them.

I have told him that I think he is out of practice in terms of physical affection and that I think he is fearful of intimacy. Outside of the bedroom he takes it on board. I have said it in a kind, complementary way but there is a nagging doubt at the back of my mind.

I really respect you all on these boards and your take on the middle aged dating world. Am I so sullied by the porn-emulating, viagra-using middle aged men out there that I don't recognise a good one when I see it? If he has reached the age of 49 unable to have even fleeting eye contact during sex, or to receive feedback, does that mean he never will? Is anyone in a relationship where everything else is good but the sex is mediocre?

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 26/10/2022 18:38

Sounds like his sexual confidence has been crushed.

It’s great that he’s taken what you’ve said on board but have you asked him if there’s anything you can do or say to help him relax in the bedroom? Or what he needs to feel safe enough to relax?

Darbs76 · 26/10/2022 18:41

Sandra1984 · 26/10/2022 13:23

@Goosygandy TBH this kind of relationship/sexual advice is so much more useful than how to put a condom on a banana!

who puts condoms on bananas? In all my life I never had to. Plus that's pretty easy, real life consists of putting a condom in a slippery slip soft dick at 3 in the morning to a drunk guy. They don't train you for that.

Schools have progressed now. My DD (14) was telling her much older brother and I that they’d already had some sex education, she said we had to put a condom on this wooden thing, my son said ‘you mean a wooden Willy?’! She then said yeah and she had some kind of oil - we did laugh.

JangolinaPitt · 26/10/2022 19:03

It seems he has low confidence and self-esteem - mine was like that and gradually came or of his shell and e more confident. If I had binned him after a couple of months for his shyness would have missed out on a fantastic time now. Mine was also nervous about being naked and now is relaxed about that.

Unseelie · 26/10/2022 19:28

He sounds lovely. You sound… Kind of a mess. Sorry to be harsh. But you’re aroused by bdsm type relationships and have a history of abusive relationships, and now that you’ve finally landed a nice normal guy, you’re telling him he’s boring in bed? I think you’re self-sabotaging / trying to change him into someone he’s not.

You can’t tell someone that they’re crap in bed, OP! You can either gently train them as the years go on, or walk away, but chipping away at the sexual confidence of a man recently dumped by his wife seems cruel (and won’t improve him. Actually, telling him he’s amazing is more likely to help 🤣).

Plenty of people shut their eyes during sex, it’s totally normal, not ‘avoiding intimacy’. If DH started demanding loads of eye contact when I’m trying to bliss-out I’d not be impressed.

I think you should talk through your feelings with a therapist to explore whether you are self-sabotaging, or whether this man is just not a good fit for you. If you want bdsm, I’m sure there must be a non-abusive dom
somewhere. Perhaps. I really wouldn’t know.

Oblomov22 · 26/10/2022 19:35

I agree with everything @Unseelie said. You do sound messed up, you probably need counselling. This isn't a good match.

Kickingbins · 26/10/2022 20:51

Also agree with Unseelie

I might be being naive but I have two friends who are into BDSM and the only blokes who seem to be into it are actually abusive in RL too, perhaps nice blokes just don't like hurting/pretend hurting women during sex?

LemonDrop22 · 27/10/2022 00:54

What bollocks.

I have zero history of BDSM and I wouldn't like all the things op has listed either.

As for eye contact, she didn't say all the time, she didn't say he couldn't close his eyes sometimes etc. Why do posters on this forum always infer some extreme/absolute that is unlikely and that the op didht state.

NickEccles · 27/10/2022 01:16

Teach him!! Early on in my adult life I met a much older woman who taught me so much as did others along the way! It can be really enjoyable learning as is teaching what you like! 😊

ViolinPin · 27/10/2022 01:28

If it's that problematic that you are asking for help then ultimately I think you arn't right for one another.

Maybe he does have confidence issues, maybe you intimidate him, but his lovemaking is not wrong, just different to what you have experienced.

There is obviously something which is making you feel unforfilled.
He actually sounds quite respectful to me and respect is definitely a turn on for many women.

I like the shy ones 😅

emptythelitterbox · 27/10/2022 04:04

Somehow he was married and managed to have 3 kids but is not sexually experienced at the age of 49.

You mentioned like a teenager. I imagine him being like a teenager with quick groping fumbles, hopping on getting off, and hopping off.

He's shit in bed. That's because it suits him. Think about that for a moment.

PrawnMinister · 27/10/2022 04:49

you're incompatible. move on and carry on getting counselling.

JangolinaPitt · 27/10/2022 07:03

Well I have seen the at it is absolutely possible to have kids and be sexually inexperienced. My bf married his first girlfriend -they were both shy and virgins and had basically only sex had to have the children and none after the conception of their last child. He is painfully shy in bed but truly lovely and it has been worth the coaxing.

foodloverjon · 27/10/2022 08:10

enjoy his friendship and occasional gentle sex but dont commit and dont get married. He will never change i think and maybe is looking for a "mother" figure to care for him.
Have the experience of a kind man in your life and be kind to him by letting him know it cant be forever. Soon enough the right man will come into your life as you have already started a healing process i believe. There are men out there who will look after you and be very good for you in bed and life..

Whatwouldscullydo · 27/10/2022 11:42

LemonDrop22 · 27/10/2022 00:54

What bollocks.

I have zero history of BDSM and I wouldn't like all the things op has listed either.

As for eye contact, she didn't say all the time, she didn't say he couldn't close his eyes sometimes etc. Why do posters on this forum always infer some extreme/absolute that is unlikely and that the op didht state.

Yes surely there's a middle ground between bdsm and someone so timid you can barely feel their touch.

Pinkbonbon · 27/10/2022 12:30

So, he doesn't actually take what you say on board. He has no interest in doing what you ask for in the bedroom and yet you're asking 'what can I do?'. Why?

He doesn't care about your pleasure. Who cares if he SAYS he does! His actions don't match.

He is managing down your expectations. If its thrill-less sex where you don't feel heard now, it's not going to get any better.

It's a him issue, not a you or a couple issue. Time to go.

Sandra1984 · 27/10/2022 12:45

@Pinkbonbon So, he doesn't actually take what you say on board. He has no interest in doing what you ask for in the bedroom and yet you're asking 'what can I do?'. Why?
He doesn't care about your pleasure. Who cares if he SAYS he does! His actions don't match.

Exactly. I’m quite appalled at some posters responses to “drink his coolaid” and be “accommodating”. She’s unhappy with his bedroom antics, she’s tried talking to him but guy won’t listen or don’t care, why should she be accommodating?

Haffiana · 27/10/2022 12:59

He really wants to please me and give me orgasms but is also a bit too intimacy avoidant to hear from me clearly what will work and what won't.

WTF is 'intimacy avoidant'? That sound like you excusing him in your head so that it becomes an issue that you can indulge yourself in being the understanding saviour girlfriend, and curing him. You have constructed a MASSIVE story and history of excuses for him about this.

The truth, which he is telling you loud and clear and which you are avoiding facing, is that he ignores what you tell him you like in bed. He prefers to carry on with what he likes.

Even if he fucked like Casanova, I would not have a relationship with a man who is selfish in bed.

ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou · 27/10/2022 13:06

Kickingbins · 26/10/2022 20:51

Also agree with Unseelie

I might be being naive but I have two friends who are into BDSM and the only blokes who seem to be into it are actually abusive in RL too, perhaps nice blokes just don't like hurting/pretend hurting women during sex?

Utter crap. DP is the kindest man I know and dynamite in bed. There is a BDSM element. It's all consensual and done for both parties.

Misconceptions about BDSM from people who know fuck all about it are immaterial to the fact that OP and this boyfriend of hers appear to be sexually incompatible. Either get sex therapy together, if he's willing, to see if you can progress this at all or chin it off and find someone who's both a nice person and fires your rocket in bed. The two needn't be mutually exclusive.

LemonDrop22 · 27/10/2022 13:08

NickEccles · 27/10/2022 01:16

Teach him!! Early on in my adult life I met a much older woman who taught me so much as did others along the way! It can be really enjoyable learning as is teaching what you like! 😊

I think she's tried and is not finding he's receptive or adaptive ... That's the problem.

LemonDrop22 · 27/10/2022 13:13

I'm sure I'm not alone in having this experience (in fact I remember reading posters saying it on here about past partners) bit some men simply do not respond or adapt to teaching.

Whether it is arrogance, selfishness, lack of confidence, inhibitions, lack of adaptability .... I've tried for example, telling a nearly 10 yrs older man what to do/what I liked (in this case clitoral stimulation, not (only) penetrative fingering) and he would do it for a second and then return to penetrative fingering. He once rubbed the area through clothes (because he was in a car and couldn't easily penetrate with his finger, I told him "that could make me come if you did it for long enough", he said "really??!!", looked surprised and then omitted to do it ever again that I can remember.

They're just ...... I dunno, it's just pointless. It actually becomes frustrating to the point of enraging.

As someone one here phrased it they just "will not take instruction".

mycatisannoying · 27/10/2022 13:14

OP, I was struck by the wisdom in your opening post Star
Remember that, despite your past, it is ok not to feel turned on by this man. What I mean is, you shouldn't feel you have to put your (sexual) needs last, just because he's a nice guy, and because you feel your past experiences might have skewed your perception (although maybe there's parts of it you enjoyed, and that's ok too).
Maybe he's just not a sexy guy - with a poor technique - and you're well within your rights to think that!

Dotcheck · 27/10/2022 13:21

It sounds like you have both been hurt by previous partners wrt sex.

It sounds like you want him to accommodate your past trauma, but you are not acknowledging his? It is possible that he has lost confidence?

Perhaps talk / explore / communicate ? Sounds like he could be worth it ☺️

Whatwouldscullydo · 27/10/2022 13:21

LemonDrop22 · 27/10/2022 13:13

I'm sure I'm not alone in having this experience (in fact I remember reading posters saying it on here about past partners) bit some men simply do not respond or adapt to teaching.

Whether it is arrogance, selfishness, lack of confidence, inhibitions, lack of adaptability .... I've tried for example, telling a nearly 10 yrs older man what to do/what I liked (in this case clitoral stimulation, not (only) penetrative fingering) and he would do it for a second and then return to penetrative fingering. He once rubbed the area through clothes (because he was in a car and couldn't easily penetrate with his finger, I told him "that could make me come if you did it for long enough", he said "really??!!", looked surprised and then omitted to do it ever again that I can remember.

They're just ...... I dunno, it's just pointless. It actually becomes frustrating to the point of enraging.

As someone one here phrased it they just "will not take instruction".

What is this " teaching him" thing anyway. Is that our role in life ? To train them up for the next one ?

Everyone likes different things that's why you should always be open to suggestions and demonstrations and listen and take note of the responses you get. Open to learning to read your partner. You can't teach someone to do that.

LemonDrop22 · 27/10/2022 13:21

mycatisannoying · 27/10/2022 13:14

OP, I was struck by the wisdom in your opening post Star
Remember that, despite your past, it is ok not to feel turned on by this man. What I mean is, you shouldn't feel you have to put your (sexual) needs last, just because he's a nice guy, and because you feel your past experiences might have skewed your perception (although maybe there's parts of it you enjoyed, and that's ok too).
Maybe he's just not a sexy guy - with a poor technique - and you're well within your rights to think that!

Yeah this, I found the posts insulting op and saying this is her problem essentially, disgusting.

I have zero history of BDSM and I;

  • Would not like someone necking constantly like a teenager to the point my jaw/mouth was sore

-would get frustrated and disheartened by trying to tell or show someone what got me off and then being too avoidant to take it on board and try

  • would not be turned on by someone hiding their body and seeming v inhibited esp if it continued past first few times, it's a turn off
  • would not be happy with someone who defaulted to the same position almost every time

Etc. Etc.

He doesn't have good technique and he's not remotely good at communicating about sex/intimacy.

LemonDrop22 · 27/10/2022 13:23

Just to add, a small bit of eye contact while being as physically intimate as you can be with someone is also not too much to expect. It's quite odd and unnatural and off-putting not to have it.

Op is not being unreasonable here.