Over thinking / anxious attachment

[blurer]

Hi all

I've had a few posts under my old name about relationship issues and the crux of every single one is that I'm insecure, have anxious attachment style and over think every little detail

In general I'm quite confident and outgoing - it's only romantic relationships I struggle with

My current DP is amazing but I'm starting my usual insecure/neediness, over reacting over nothing. Just generally self sabotaging it

I really really like him and am determined not to sabotage this! I've had therapy before and messaged tonight to book more sessions

In the meantime can anyone recommend any books/podcasts, general tips to help me! I've had such good advice one here in the past about that being the issue but how do I overcome it?

You only have an anxious attachment style because whoever you are with is making you anxious! There will be men who do the right things at the right time...usually the nice men.
The question is what does he do that makes you feel anxious?

No real suggestions sorry but I wanted to send solidarity as I could have written your post. I'm anxious/ disorganised and beginning to question myself. I've done it with every relationship, even the lovely ones.

Is there anything specific that's triggered this? Are you getting enough fulfillment outside the relationship re friends, hobbies etc? For me that's been an issue as I've moved somewhere new and he has established friends and interest groups etc here. Have you had any counselling/ therapy?

Sorry. Ignore last question, tired and overlooked it.

It's happened in every relationship I've had since my exH cheated when I was pregnant

It's definitely me. Today is just the most recent example, DP was texting less than usual and responding to my questions but less chatty (he was busy). We just had a lovely weekend together and got plans tomorrow and the weekend coming but I convinced myself he'd gone off me since the weekend and was losing interest

It's like I get all worked up, feel it building, completely over react....then suddenly see sense and get complete guilt. I lost it tonight and he's done nothing but reassure me but it's like a viscous cycle as I'm now thinking he's going to leave me over this type of behaviour

It's almost like I pick fights to see how far I can push him to "prove" he will leave me. So far he's been nothing but supportive but I know he's human and only so much of it he will take. Not only do I hate feeling like this but he's done nothing to deserve it

Thanks @PinkMendinilla sorry you feel like this too but good to know I'm not the only one

I have good friends and a really busy life, single mum working full time. But when I get in a new relationship I tend to get obsessive with it

I think I know the root of it - my exH cheated when I was pregnant and left. I don't have trust issues in terms of cheating but I struggle to trust what partners tell me in terms of their feelings etc and I constantly think they're going to leave. It's exhausting for both me & DP - even though I know what's causing it and I can rationalise it in my head I don't know how to stop it

Literally what you've written is me!!

I'm in a new relationship of 3 months, so far I've managed to curb it but I'm feeling I'm getting a bit anxious now as I feel my bf is getting used to having me around etc.

I need all the podcasts and books?! I've tried therapy but it didn't really help. Maybe I need to try a bit more!

Read or listen to a book called Attached , by Amir Levine . Absolutely brilliant. All about attachment styles , how to deal with them , applying your attachment style in a relationship and improve yourself . Once you’ve read it , everything makes sense . It’s such an eye opener.

It explains the anxious attachment in great depth , why your like that , what the triggers are , how to handle the triggers , how to deal with the emotion . Honestly it’s amazing .

You've booked more sessions now. Why did you stop them?
If you are insecure this will take a lot of work, long term. Maybe you should consider not getting into any relationship until you have made some decent headway with your new counsellor.

I wouldn't be able to tolerate your behaviour in a relationship, it will just do my head in and I wouldn't be able to cope with it. I would have to end it.

If you are confident and reassured, coping with someone who is not is wearing. I talked to my ds1 about this. He told me that when he chooses his next girlfriend he's going to choose someone more self assured because he's now learnt how hard it is to have to regularly reassure someone else.

Thanks so much @Ydkiml that's exactly what I need!

I've had a lot of therapy over the last couple of years, not all about this. I've been though a lot in my previous marriage (ended 7 yrs ago) and also from my childhood. I stopped as i thought I'd dealt with it all and didn't date during that period

I honestly thought I had improved a lot but think it feels worse in this relationship as it's the first time I've properly fallen for someone since my exH

Ive managed to deal with it quite well for the 1st 6 months or so but it's getting harder to mask. I think it's getting worse as he becomes more settled in the relationship. Not that he takes me for granted but more that he's relaxed into it and the excitement has settled down I'm getting more anxious

I'm exactly the same. It's hard on both sides.

I'm scared I drive him away but clearly I don't enjoy feeling like this myself. It's like a self fulfilling prophecy, the more I sabotage and cause issues, the more paranoid I get that he's "had enough" and that I've ruined it, which only makes me feel more insecure

I know in my mind I need to break the cycle but when I have an "episode" it's like I can't see straight, then once I've calmed down I see how crazy I've been

As strange as it sounds 90% of the time I'm fine and not even thinking of it, but that 10% of the time is too much to expect anyone to deal with

@blurer "It's happened in every relationship I've had since my exH cheated when I was pregnant" - I can see why you'd feel like that, this is a traumatising experience to go through and of course you need reassurance and feel safe.

I can relate to how you're feeling and what you're doing, and why you'd want to stop that. Before my current relationship I was really chilled, my DP could tell me he was going for drinks with Claudia Schiffer and I'd say 'see you later'.

In this relationship I'm different and I didn't pick up what was happening until quite recently when I had a big meltdown at my partner basically telling him it's obvious he doesn't love me and he should man up and break up with me. The next morning I woke up, told myself 'I don't recognise this person' and asked for a referral to therapy. It really helped.

I crawled corners of the internet to see if I was really the only person in the world feeling that way. There were two articles that were a lightbulb moment:
brianamacwilliam.com/anxious-avoidant-relationship/
thoughtcatalog.com/sabrina-alexis/2016/01/8-ways-to-enjoy-your-new-relationship-instead-of-worrying-that-youll-ruin-it/

Feeling much better now but I still have my moments. I really really like the guy I'm seeing now (and somehow he stuck with me through the moments I'm not proud of) but we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like, so when we have a couple of weeks apart I can get to quite an insecure place. I just try to be more aware of my own mood and instead of texting him something intense I try to first:

• Breathe
• Write down what I'm feeling and why
• Go outside and exercise
• Eat well
• Manage stress
• Go outside for lunch/socialise
• Reach out to other important people in my life
• Stay busy - is your daily work/routine busy and stimulating enough?

I'm sad enough to have a couple of quotes on my desktop for this very situation. Just determined to not be like this and understand that nobody can give you attention 24/7, and it's normal to not text and call every waking minute, even if maybe early on you had days when you neglected everything and did just that.

Quotes go like that:
"You don’t need weekly progress reports updating you on where he stands and how he feels.
If you put pressure on the relationship, you squeeze the life out of it and it stops being enjoyable and fun. Don’t push him for reassurance or test him to see how much he cares about you. Just realise he does and hold on to that conviction."

"A man cannot be a whole society to a woman and a woman cannot be a whole society to a man.
Don’t expect him to be your best friend, therapist, financial advisor, source of gossip, business partner, and a hundred other things. That will eventually lead to a codependent relationship wherein none of you are growing. You will bore each other to death."

However... You need to still recognise when you are feeling anxious for objectively no good reason vs when the person you are with is genuinely incompatible with your needs and overly avoidant.

@WhiteChocMocha thanks so much for such a thoughtful and detailed response. That's so helpful

I totally understand your fears and your attachment style being a result of past experiences . Well done for recognising that you need to change this in order to have a healthy relationship. That’s a massive step in itself. The book I’ve recommended ‘Attached’ is a must read for you , it will help you understand everything, and explain how to change your thoughts , feelings and mindset .

@blurer we are so so similar in our experiences and where we seem to be now. I feel I'm masking at present and don't want my bf who I'm falling for to realise although he knows a little already!

I will but that book that's been recommended. Not sure I can currently afford counselling as need to see where I'm at after Xmas!

I am determined though not to ruin this relationship as he's a good one for sure!

It will make you understand your partner’s attachment style as well as your own and teach you how to move your attachment style to think securely which will result in a healthy happy secure relationship.

I've just ordered it now. Thanks again 😃

@whitechocmocha you're post is so helpful, I'm going to print those quotes out and remind myself of them daily!

I'm glad how I feel is somehow "normal"

This is not true at all. Lots of people have internalised ideas that they are not good enough, or they are unlovable or whatever that results in insecure attachment across the board. Plenty of partners in that situation can be perfectly lovely, but the insecurity of the first person ruin a lovely relationship. It is a great thing to be able to recognise when you are in that position and work on it.

@Whoknows11 @blurer thank you. I've just had a few 'episodey' days and honestly it feels so good to talk to someone who can relate to those feelings.

Again, it's important to distinguish whether it's really the person or whether it is your own insecurities playing tricks on you.

However, generally men in our culture are brought up to hide their feelings, clamp up a bit more, close up when they have something on their mind and not share so easily, be more self-sufficient etc. And men also have insecurities, self-esteem issues etc. So it's easy to say 'find someone who is an open book and makes you feel secure and loved' but I'd say that's the minority of men at the beginning of a relationship. I'd say more than 50% of men in our culture can be classed as somewhat 'avoidant'. Going to be honest, I know guys who are more clingy and double and triple text if they don't get a reply right away. It's too much for me, I like someone who's a bit more independent, shy and introverted and takes longer to build mutual trust, but once it's built, it feels like a really solid foundation. In my job I talk to men about their quite personal feelings quite regularly and I ask 'does your partner know this?' Often they say no, as they want her to worry/ want to impress her with how strong they are/ worry she'd leave them. It takes a while for guys to show their insecurities.

What I struggle with is that me and my SO used to see each other almost every day for a long period of time, and now due to circumstances we can't. It's nobody's fault but took me a while to identify that it was the real cause behind how I was feeling + me being afraid of losing him. It didn't help that he used to be my 'everything' and vice versa - we basically existed in our own bubble, it was quite codependent.

It also took me a while to really get into my head that when you're apart and working, you can't be rapid-fire texting back and forth every 5 minutes, and that catching up once a day is actually ok. Or that it's hard for him to be away from me, too, but talking about it daily will just make us both feel bad/guilty, and for the relationship to be a positive in both our lives, it's about focusing on and bringing the positives. And that if I'm doing something difficult on a Monday morning, him remembering it and texting me 'you'll be amazing, I know you can do it' shows care, love and support.

@Whoknows11 "I'm in a new relationship of 3 months, so far I've managed to curb it but I'm feeling I'm getting a bit anxious now as I feel my bf is getting used to having me around etc."

Out of interest, what's your dynamic like, ie do you live close to each other/ work together/know each other before/perfect strangers previous to relationship?

Maybe try flipping it? In the sense that, if it feels that he is getting used to having you around, he is feeling more secure in the relationship, he thinks that you 2 are more solid and can start relying on each other more, and that in return you should take it as a factual basis to feel more secure, too.

@whitechocamoca

We live 1 hour 15 mins away and only see each other every other weekend. Hopefully things might change as he's suggested wfh from mine in the week! He works in London and the commute from mine isn't his normal 30 mins and he's normally in the office by 730am!

He knows my history - the same as the OP and is so lovely and I definitely trust him. He lives the corporate life in the city which is worlds away from my life.

Our future we've briefly discussed as you do 3 months in and I think he'd move to near me as his children are a lot older and nearing leaving home/uni age.

I like him a lot and he's so good for me. He communicates really well and is in touch with his feelings etc. he has counselling every month for things that he says he'll prob always have counselling for as he sees it as he's growing! He feels guilt from his failed marriage and some bad life choices eg money!

@Whoknows11 that's really lovely. Can see a lot of similarities between our 2 relationships. For example the 'worlds away' part and the every 2 weeks - that's pretty much me and my partner. I get a bit annoyed with friends at times when they go 'oh so why can't you see each other after work' - if the commute is long and he's an early starter, you can't. That's life. But if you have found someone you really click with, you try and make it work.

Do you think the distance and not seeing each other as often as you'd maybe like is at times making you feel anxious? What do you do to stay close when you can't see each other?

I've worked hard on self-awareness this year to make sure we get through this period - and he has, too - but always interested in tips and experiences from others in a similar situation. Frankly just don't know anyone who is in this type of relationship and this is probably why I overthink and get anxious at times, especially when friends drop the odd uncalled for comment.

@whitechocmocca

We FaceTime almost every day! Weirdly it's what we started doing and has become our thing. We send each other videos and photos too! It helps to know he's just there.

Yes my relationship anxiety doesn't help with the distance. I have friends call my relationship long distance which irritates me as I don't think 1hr 15 is long distance. It's just with work and children it's tricky to find time. I hope as time goes on we see a future together. I can see myself living with him and I've not felt that before with someone (post my children's dad).

Time apart is also good as my time isn't taken away from my children. I think it's important to be ok in your own company and enjoying that time.

I struggle when we don't speak if he's busy or I'm busy etc. he knows that and it's sensitive to it and is very thoughtful. I definitely don't want to mess this one up!