Over thinking / anxious attachment

[blurer]

Hi all

I've had a few posts under my old name about relationship issues and the crux of every single one is that I'm insecure, have anxious attachment style and over think every little detail

In general I'm quite confident and outgoing - it's only romantic relationships I struggle with

My current DP is amazing but I'm starting my usual insecure/neediness, over reacting over nothing. Just generally self sabotaging it

I really really like him and am determined not to sabotage this! I've had therapy before and messaged tonight to book more sessions

In the meantime can anyone recommend any books/podcasts, general tips to help me! I've had such good advice one here in the past about that being the issue but how do I overcome it?

Just wanted to jump on and say this is me, exactly. The only difference if my boyfriend is 4 hours away, we see each other every two or three weeks.

I completely get what you mean about being 'in' the episode and being unable to think straight then afterwards, it kind of lifts and you feel calm and a sense of 'oh god what have I done, I'll push him away if I keep doing this and he'll leave me'
It does feel like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm considering starting therapy again, either for me or couples because we have one or two things we need to work out before hopefully moving to live together next year. I really really empathise with how hard it is. I have this book: www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1684034582/

and am finding it helpful to work through (slowly!) in the absence of therapy, some of the ideas for how to calm down and sort out your thoughts and fears are really good.

@Whoknows11 can completely relate to that. Sounds like you've got a really good thing going on there. It's not really traditional long-distance, it's more that two people who don't live next-door to each other and have busy independent lives happen to like each other on this occasion.

"Time apart is also good as my time isn't taken away from my children. I think it's important to be ok in your own company and enjoying that time."

That last bit is so important. My fella has a busy demanding job and kids. I have a busy demanding job, no kids - and my job is a lot less busy recently so again, more time to overthink 😆Getting involved with a single dad with near full-time childcare responsibilities, I learned that you had to be ok in your own company and enjoying that time. It was just something I didn't get to experience early on as we were together most days. I am going to be honest, it is hard sometimes, going through certain experiences on your own when you'd like your SO there. However, I would also never be ok with taking his time away from his children.

So think it's completely natural for you to feel a bit of anxiety at times - you really like the guy, you don't want to mess this up, and you've got to bide your time a little bit until you can get more time together. Honestly I feel a bit more normal now about how I feel sometimes, thank you 🌸

Happy to DM if you ever want to talk about this. Sorry for hijacking your thread @blurer 🙃

@ZeppelinTits Nice to see you on here :)

I wonder if most people with a bit of distance or scheduling issues feel that way?

A friend that knows us both made a comment recently along the lines of 'every 2 weeks after all the time you've known each other? You're not even properly together then!' That really hurt and I'm not easily hurt by passing comments. But stuff like that then makes me think about the relationship for a few days and question it, even when I know the person making the comment knows nothing about our dynamic.

Is anyone else struggling with unhelpful input from friends, even if they probably have your best interests at heart?

When you have an 'episode', what do you do? Do you contact him or do something else?

When I have an episode of panic I usually contact him and cry at him, freak out and make him weary or stressed. Then afterwards feel drained and terrible, but in the moment the panic is real and it's very scary. One time it was a small blip and I managed to calm myself down on my own by recognising that I was feeling breathless and scared, and reading my DBT book for some suggestions on how to calm down. Once I felt better I could think properly again. I ddn't need to reach out at all which felt like a win. Obviously, he was obvious that time.

Usually I get in a spiral though and it gets worse and worse rapidly and it's almost like having a panic attack. It's horrible and I'd do anything not to be triggered in this way.

@ZeppelinTits do you think there's particular circumstances that trigger it? For example, say if you're having a bad day and haven't heard from him?

It's nice to get yourself into a place where you can manage it on your own, isn't it? I know what you mean by 'felt like a win'. How long do you usually feel like that?

For me, I get more triggered when I'm not busy and mood lower than usual. Hate to admit a cliche but there seem to be hormones at play, too. When I started noticing what was happening, I realised that I felt really on the edge first day of my cycle and almost always went a bit off script then.

I'm proud to say that since 'the big one' and getting help, I haven't had an episode that I haven't been able to manage on my own. I've recognised some of it was down to me feeling down at the time and found strategies to cope with that side of things. My guy is actually quite reliable and usually reaches out to me like clockwork, so sometimes I just repeat to myself 'give him time to miss you, he will text you, he always does' 😆

Feel so much better for this thread...

I am not ready to post here yet but this thread is already invaluable to me. I feel everything you are all feeling.

I am really identifying with this thread too.
Glad it’s not just me.

For me, I get more triggered when I'm not busy and mood lower than usual. Hate to admit a cliche but there seem to be hormones at play, too. When I started noticing what was happening, I realised that I felt really on the edge first day of my cycle and almost always went a bit off script then.

My triggers are identical! I've not had a chance to reply to the thread as I'm away with work but so good to know I'm not the only one.....

There are literally zero issues when we're together. It's either my low mood/hormones or even iF DP is having a bad day and in a lower mood/busy - I'm over sensitive and automatically take it personal and think he's pulling away and getting distant. I make it sound dramatic but it can literally be for a day and I'm over analysing every tiny detail

Usually I get in a spiral though and it gets worse and worse rapidly and it's almost like having a panic attack. It's horrible and I'd do anything not to be triggered in this way

This!! It's like a viscous cycle. Once I have an 'episode' i convince myself that this is it this time, it's been the final straw and he can't deal with it any more (even though he's very understanding). So I then feel even more vulnerable and look for more signs of him being less interested, he says it's like I'm looking for issues. It's exhausting....for both of us!!

Hi, I am anxiously attached and I would really recommend the “attached” book as others have suggested, I would also recommend the “open house” podcast by Louise Rumball x

@blurer yup, I know what this feels like...

"it can literally be for a day and I'm over analysing every tiny detail"
"Once I have an 'episode' i convince myself that this is it this time, it's been the final straw and he can't deal with it any more"
Both are familiar feelings, unfortunately.

I feel that for us it's happening on both sides a little bit. My man's more of an overthinker than me, he just doesn't come at me with how he feels, I feel that he makes these kinds of conclusions in silence sometimes. Or maybe that's me overthinking, but he has told me this in the past, and he's quite the classic 'avoidant'. I know I need to put myself out there at times and reassure him that my interest in him hasn't faded.

Masking is funny though. Yes, it's good to be happy and positive with each other. But I also feel like I'm putting a side of me in a box now, whereas previously I'd tell him up front how I felt most days, good or bad, and he'd do the same with me. I'd just like to stop feeling like this, full stop, as opposed to hiding it from him. My life's really good overall but the anxiety can overshadow even the best days.

I am seriously overthinking things today. Hopefully I am seeing things that are not there but I just keep analyzing everything that has happened over the weekend and I literally cannot think of anything else. I don't want to say what it is about but just someone tell me to stop overthinking. I need tools to not do this. I am making myself ill with anxiety.

igglepiggle , you say you don’t want to say what it is about but makes a big difference on how to respond or advise when we don’t know the situation! Has he gone cold / been nasty / or is it down to your thoughts ?

Blurer . Have you read Attached , it’s worth a read ?

Have you talked to him about how his actions make you feel?

A compatible partner will be someone you can talk to about your insecurities, and who will be interested in helping you to feel better and reassured.

If you can't talk to him about it, you've chosen a partner you don't feel safe with, and that's why your attachment style is getting triggered: because of your choice of partner. If you've talked to him and he's not helped you feel better, then again, you've chosen the wrong partner.

Don't change your feelings to match someone else's patterns: choose your people to match your patterns.

I'm part way through this thanks to @WhiteChocMocha recommendation and fell like it's a real eye opener! Thanks

Hope you're doing okay! I'm sure you are over thinking/ over analysing but it's hard to see it when you're in the middle of it. Sending big hugs

Yes we've talked about it quite a lot, especially over the last couple of weeks. He's making so much effort to make me feel more secure & as we've been talking about it more, we're definitely understanding each other me!

I wouldn't say it's as much about us being incompatible as I wouldn't actually want to be with someone who didn't have their own life going on. Strangely I'm attracted to strong, independent men so I wouldn't want to be in a relationship that was "smothering". I know my own behaviour is unreasonable and wouldn't want to be with someone who was a walkover

Thankfully he's being very understanding as I work my way through this and giving me the reassurance I need

Its probably realy silly but from the day we met I would get messages saying good morning gorgeous or similar and in recent weeks its just 'Good morning'. Same at night - more 'Im in bed now' and thats it. None of the cuteness we have had and that I felt encapsulated our relationship. Just silly cheesy little lovey things during the day all gone since we argued two weeks ago. I have even seen him since and thought he was over it all (argument 100% my fault) but since I have seen him the messages are same. Just cooler really and it is making me anxious. Lines of communication open fully and still talking about the future and all of our day to day still but even when I say something cutesie like we did till the argument he totally ignores it and it is killing me. In tears most of today because of the overthinking. I have a meeting with a therapist this week as I know my anxiety is at an all time high but I just cannot help this feeling.

@blurer glad to hear your own update. This fucking anxiety nonsense can be so crippling. x

🤗
What makes you happier and helps you refocus? Put happy music on. Call a friend/ family member you enjoy talking to. Exercise. Do what it takes to not be sitting there overthinking.

Just make sure you separate facts and irrational feelings. Think about recent times you’ve felt reassured and happy in the relationship and hold on to those feelings to reassure yourself.

Thank you. I am going to head off for a long hot shower and then try eat. I have not eaten at all yet today. Feel totally overwhelmed to be honest and doing myself no favours. I do not want to speak to anyone right now - least of all cos I sound like crap from the bloody crying. Hate this feeling.

@Igglepiggleslittletoe It might not be to do with you. People have stuff going on, dark November nights are a stressful time for many and little things like a fight with a partner can throw things off balance.

A guy that makes an effort to talk to you throughout the day is a guy that continues to be invested in you. All relationships go up and down a bit in terms of levels of affection. The initial stage where the rest of the world stands still is amazing but not sustainable forever at that same level of intensity.

I find with me it comes in waves so I don't think I'm 100% there yet but I'm getting better at recognising when it's my own anxiety and me looking for issues

I'd second that advice from @WhiteChocMocha
I think it's completely normal in healthy relationships for the initial excitement, lives up like teenagers feeling to settle down ( it disappear) and for things to become more settled

I say all this but don't take my own advice.
A few weeks ago me and DP had been texting during the day as normal but on that particular day he was responding but not instigating much chat. He called me at night and I was feeling low, he picked up on it and I said I was just busy and had a million things to do. He chatted away for a few mins then said he better let me go and get on with everything. I exploded at him, saying he was showing no interest in me and couldn't even be bothered taking, actually said to him that I felt like he'd lost interest. He actually thought he was being thoughtful if I was busy and couldn't believe I'd thought he'd lost interest in the space of 24-48hrs as we'd previously had a lovely weekend together

I explained it was the lack of cute, lovey dovey texts and he said that cos he tells me all the time how he feels that he'd assume I know. This might be how your guy is thinking too?

Once I'd calmed down I explained that I know that logically but when I'm feeling insecure those type of messages give me a lot of reassurance. We made a deal that he'd make more effort to express himself but that if I'm feeling insecure or need reassurance I've to say so he has the chance to let me know what he's thinking. He thought everything was going great and felt less need to tell me how great I thought he was and was sharing more mundane things about his day to day life

The one thing I keep going back to is - we've got no ties to each other (no kids, separate finances, own houses, both completely independent) so if he didn't want to be with me he wouldn't be! He's messaging you and arranging to see you cos he wants to