Does my partner need viagra?

[Viewofthesea]

My relationship is sexless with my partner. It dried up of sex within a few short months of getting engaged. It dried up from his side. Seems like something he's avoiding. Basically on the rare occasion I do try to have anything any more with him, he's on his back, I give him a blow job, I try to go on top, we might be one or two going in and out, and then he loses his firmness and he continues with masturbation. Every time.

I don't even bother trying anymore to be honest. It's awful. I haven't even tried having sex with him this year because there's no point. It's just going to be awful and he's more than happy for it to be like that.

Has anyone else experienced this? I suspect he's watching porn too. Would porn do this? If he just stayed away from porn he could have the real thing if he tried.

My sexless relationship makes me feel depressed.

I think there's nothing for it but have a conversation that will probably feel horribly awkward but hopefully will go some way to resolving this. You must be able to communicate about this openly rather than through actions that could be felt as rejecting or passive aggressive (like him masturbating beside you or you going to sleep in another bed all the time).

It's difficult because it's such an emotive topic and presumably you love each other and don't want to hurt each other. But it sounds like a serious issue in the relationship. It is ok to bring it up and be honest about your feelings.

It definitely sounds psychological rather than a physical thing since he can maintain an erection when he wants to. It's just something about PiV that is instantly turning him off. Odd that he was previously fine, indicates it's probably not a long standing issue from before you met. Although 2/3 times a month was a bit on the low side.

You're really going to have to have a serious conversation with him about it, and see if he can be honest enough to give you a plausible explanation.

If he can get and keep an erection good enough for masturbation then the plumbing is probably working okay, it does sound a bit like performance anxiety causing ED.

onlinedoctor.lloydspharmacy.com/uk/mens-health-advice/preventing-sexual-performance-anxiety

some viagra might help assist with the physical side, or even just having some available or to hand might psychologically help him.

he could probably do with full health check as well

I’m not sure this is a man you should marry to be honest, but I definitely wouldn’t if he won’t even have an honest conversation with you about it and just expects you to accept a sexless marriage.

We recently went away on holidays for a week and the sexlessness was in the back of my mind. I never even bothered trying because I knew what it was going to be like. He whacked one out in the bed a few mornings and I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

Not being able to have sex and yet happily "whacking one out" next to you a few times is very weird behaviour. Given this he clearly doesn't seem to be embarrassed at all about his performance.

I think one of the worst things is that I often find him snooping in my phone and I think it's connected. He's possibly looking for evidence of me cheating or something which there is nothing.

There's definitely some sort of trust issues there in the background with him but I never gave him a reason to not trust me.

I would nearly put money on it being porn.

If he was to give that up he could have the real thing with me. It wouldn't be porn material but the real thing was always there with me. I'm not vanilla. I have some interests outside of the missionary position.

Him knocking one out right next to you, but never ever initiating sex with you is just dreadful. Does he understand how that would make you feel?

Have you spoken to him at all?

I touched on the topic before. He got a new job after that it was the opposite schedule of what I had and I really feel he did that to introduce a gap or some space between us so that we wouldnt be all the time faced with the sexlessness between us. In that there's a genuine excuse for the lack of sex now with our jobs in the way. But it's worse in that the few times a year we do sleep together and it's nothing but cuddles and masturbation from him. We should be using that time together as something sacred and making the time count and having something meaningful.

The last time I attempted to have any sex with him was last year with a night away. I tried but there was no intercourse between us. I gave up after that and I started pulling away and sleeping in separate beds and he's more than happy for it to be like that.

The worst part is that he can preform for masturbation but not for sex with me.

I displayed an interest in different sexual positions with him before and every single time it's always him on his back with me on top and to be honest it does little for me. It was always him like that. Almost as if he would lose his erection in any other way.

I hate to say it, but that does ring cheating alarm bells with me. Do you think it’s possible?

Does he get you off in other ways? Is he putting any effort in?

Get psychosexual therapy

Absolutely agree with this 👆
Wants to maintain an image of DH/DW but clearly isn’t interested in a sexual relationship with you.
Even 2/3 times a month at the beginning of your relationship seems very little

2/3 times a month in the beginning was my sweet spot. That would have been about once a week with one week off when I had a period.

I will be honest. That's on my mind too. He's snooping in my phone, quite possibly looking for evidence that maybe I am cheating on him to get sex else where. Maybe that's what he's doing himself and he's trying to reflect it onto me. I don't know.

I don't know if there's any sort of a physical cheating going on with him. I wouldn't be surprised if there's any emotional cheating, maybe chatting and talking to others online. I don't know. As for physical cheating, I don't think so, as of now.

Everywhere was locked down during the pandemic and then he started new work last summer 21 and there was a lot of demands from him in work. I know this would be a red flag but he works in the bar business and apparently the place he was working in, found it hard to get staff.
I don't think there was any physical cheating going on. Although I have a troubled aunt who's an absolute whore and only chases married men for the fun of it and the bar he works is her local so who knows. Maybe she whored herself all over him.

There's probably emotional cheating going on to accompany his porn which I highly suspect he is watching.

I would say that this is absolutely porn addiction. It’s a much more widespread problem than people think. Video porn tricks the male brain into thinking that women are readily available at any time and stops things working unless using the very firm grip of masturbation. Google “male impotence through porn addiction”. Read up on it and try to get him to see that if he stopped, your sex life would be back in like two weeks. But he’s not allowed to masturbate in that time

Maybe he's got a problem with erection, maybe not. I would suggest trying Viagra, but it sounds as though you're not interested now anyway.

I've been through this. If you ask and he can't tell you and work on it then there's no point in trying to work it out. He has to want to work out whats going on too. It probably is too much porn, but it doesn't matter if he isn't interested in fixing it.

I do think it's very very weird he goes through your phone... to be honest he sounds like a selfish self-centred knob. Do you actually even want to sleep with him any more ?

His gums bleed far too easily and I am completely wary about letting him anywhere near my intimate area for oral. Not going to happen.

There's a few things that leads me to suspect he's watching porn. I was never against porn per sé but I never knew it would have these consequences.

God, why would he choose porn over the real thing with me? I'm absolutely disgusted to be honest. We don't have a sex life together because he can't maintain an erection and it's all because of porn.

I'm absolutely fuming at this stage to be quite honest. He placed more importance in porn than having any sort of a meaningful, intimate, sexual relationship with me.

I doubt very much it’s intentional rejection. These things happen slowly and he, like you, probably never imagined it would lead to this. He is equally as unlikely to have made the connection and is probably mortified at the fact he can’t keep an erection for the woman he loves….leading to him avoiding sex even more and turning to masturbation more and so starts the cycle. He may be relieved to realise there could be a solution so maybe try to be understanding and compassionate. If he refuses to try to understand the root cause though…I would leave him

I vowed last year after another nightmare bed scenario of no sex that I was never going to try it again with him.

We haven't had any sex this year. I never even tried and he doesn't see any problem with that.

This all seems very weird. You were only having sex 2-3 times a month in the beginning, he masterbates in the bed next to you and you refuse oral from him because his gums bleed?

Unless you're happy with a sexless marriage break up with him. He's making zero effort, you've checked out and want to avoid bedding him , you've spoken to him and he's made excuses. He must have a phenomenal personality for you to even consider marrying this man.

I doubt he has any issues physically if he can manage a w**k. I don't know what the issue is but neither of you sound happy.

I was in an almost sexless marriage for 2 years. I lost all my self confidence because I felt unwanted. Turned out he was cheating in spectacular fashion. Joining swinging sites and meeting up with couples doing all sorts, meanwhile was keeping track of me and was super jealous if an other man even looked in my direction. 8 years on and I'm with the most amazing man, have a fantastic sex life and although he's done wonders for my self confidence it's still not great. I still carry a lot of damage from that marriage. Get out before it destroys you.