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Original poster

Does my partner need viagra?

63 replies

Viewofthesea · 25/10/2022 13:06

My relationship is sexless with my partner. It dried up of sex within a few short months of getting engaged. It dried up from his side. Seems like something he's avoiding. Basically on the rare occasion I do try to have anything any more with him, he's on his back, I give him a blow job, I try to go on top, we might be one or two going in and out, and then he loses his firmness and he continues with masturbation. Every time.

I don't even bother trying anymore to be honest. It's awful. I haven't even tried having sex with him this year because there's no point. It's just going to be awful and he's more than happy for it to be like that.

Has anyone else experienced this? I suspect he's watching porn too. Would porn do this? If he just stayed away from porn he could have the real thing if he tried.

My sexless relationship makes me feel depressed.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 25/10/2022 13:12

Have you talked to him about it? What did he say? Or, if you haven't what is it that stops you?

Marineboy67 · 25/10/2022 13:14

How old is your partner? Does he drink or smoke? Does he use porn, is he overweight? High Blood pressure...diabetes or pre-diabetic.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/10/2022 13:19

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

How old is he?.

What is he like with you on a day to day basis?.

I would consider if this is a man you actually want to be with at all now, let alone marry going forward because this is who he is. He has unilaterally decided to make your relationship with him a sexless one and it’s a decision you were never consulted about. Marrying him would be a higher error of judgement on your part.

Original poster
Viewofthesea · 25/10/2022 13:32

He's 38.
He drinks socially but rarely. Maybe about once every 2 or 3 months. He doesn't smoke. He was overweight but he lost some weight. No known blood pressure. Diabetes runs in his family but he had tests done recently. No known diabetes.

He's usually very good with me every day. On the surface of things, we get on well but behind it all, there is no sex. Ever.

I tried talking to him but he blamed work. Since then, he took on a different job last year with a different schedule to mine and I really feel like he that that on purpose to create a gap between us and so he doesn't have to meet the sexless situation head on.

We recently went away on holidays for a week and the sexlessness was in the back of my mind. I never even bothered trying because I knew what it was going to be like. He whacked one out in the bed a few mornings and I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
Viewofthesea · 25/10/2022 13:33

I think he does watch porn. I don't have any definite proof of porn but I think it is there somewhere in the background with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Viewofthesea · 25/10/2022 13:35

We haven't had sex once this year because I gave up on even wanting it with him.

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Original poster
Viewofthesea · 25/10/2022 13:37

We were supposed to have a family function this weekend. We will both get dressed up and look like a good couple. I'm dreading it to be honest because we usually sleep together afterwards and I don't want to bed him again.

OP posts:
returnofthenativity · 25/10/2022 13:38

Too much porn could do it. But also, another person occupying his thoughts could have the same effect.

Original poster
Viewofthesea · 25/10/2022 13:39

Should I cancel my plans for this weekend. Maybe pretend to be sick or pretend to have covid or whatever and just get out from this weekends plans so I remain sober enough so I don't bed this man.

OP posts:
Original poster
Viewofthesea · 25/10/2022 13:42

returnofthenativity · 25/10/2022 13:38

Too much porn could do it. But also, another person occupying his thoughts could have the same effect.

Are for real in that there's a possibility that he's thinking about someone else when he's in bed with me?

There's something not right. Every time I leave my phone on the table and I come back, he has his face in my phone almost as if he's trying to find something in my phone. Maybe evidence of an affair or something. Thing is I am not cheating and there's no one else and recently I am thinking if he's checking my phone because maybe that's what he's doing himself. Maybe he's going behind my back to chat with other women or maybe there's another woman. I don't know.

OP posts:
RainbowsMoonbeams · 25/10/2022 13:42

You are going to have to have an uncomfortable conversation with him about it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/10/2022 13:42

How would you feel about telling him the relationship is over. Are you at all afraid of him/his reaction/hurting his feelings?. Re the last one, he has not given a fig here about hurting your very real feelings.

I'd cancel not just this weekend but this whole relationship frankly. Marriage to him would become a sexless marriage for you. And FGS do not get drunk in order to bed him; that will just make you feel a hell of a lot worse.

SimonJones · 25/10/2022 13:45

If it were a man posting about his wife not wanting sex but being happy to masturbate, people would be asking what you do to make her feel desirable and desired. They would also be pointing out that there's nothing less sexy than feeling pressured to perform, and that you may well be pressurising your partner without even realising.

Would any of those be possible, OP?

altmember · 25/10/2022 13:47

So your sex life was fine until after you got engaged, or were there issues before then?

Original poster
Viewofthesea · 25/10/2022 13:48

Lately over the past year, Iwe have been sleeping separately. This was something I did. I started that. I was hoping maybe whenever we do sleep together he might try to ha e some sexual relations. Then after nights out, we end up sleeping together. The most we do is cuddling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Viewofthesea · 25/10/2022 13:51

altmember · 25/10/2022 13:47

So your sex life was fine until after you got engaged, or were there issues before then?

Our sex life was good before we got engaged. Within 4 or 5 months of the engagement it went from 2/3 times a month to once every 3/4 months. This change wasn't from me. I never once turned into a bridezilla. I felt pressured by him to rush a wedding. He wanted it within a year but I slowed it down. So at the time he was trying to rush marriage, our relationship was also turning sexless.

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 25/10/2022 13:52

The most important thing is to have a discussion about it. Sit down with him at a time during the day where sex is not expected. He needs to be honest with you about what is going one. If he won't even discuss it then your problems are bigger.

Bananalanacake · 25/10/2022 13:55

Can I join the thread please, I have the same problem but too embarrassed to ask for help.

Original poster
Viewofthesea · 25/10/2022 13:57

SimonJones · 25/10/2022 13:45

If it were a man posting about his wife not wanting sex but being happy to masturbate, people would be asking what you do to make her feel desirable and desired. They would also be pointing out that there's nothing less sexy than feeling pressured to perform, and that you may well be pressurising your partner without even realising.

Would any of those be possible, OP?

To be honest, i continued with a lot of what I was doing from when I first met him. I love stockings and suspenders under dresses and I never gave that up (until the lockdown). He never really responded greatly to stockings and suspenders to be honest. I kept up a lot of what I started but its died down over the past 18 months because in the back of my mind I'm thinking - 'why bother any more - the sex is gone and its dead in the water.

For a long time I kept up physical touch and giving him body massages. That was something I liked doing a lot.

Since it's all so dead between us, I gave up on it.

Also in my mind, there's no point going to all of the trouble getting him turned on, for very little return from him. In fact at this stage, 'sex' with him gives me migraine.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/10/2022 14:04

"I felt pressured by him to rush a wedding. He wanted it within a year but I slowed it down. So at the time he was trying to rush marriage, our relationship was also turning sexless".

I am wondering here if you are actually his beard. This is your life too, do not continue to be a mere passenger in it. You need to have a serious conversation with him. Why did he exactly want marriage originally within a year?.

Original poster
Viewofthesea · 25/10/2022 14:09

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/10/2022 14:04

"I felt pressured by him to rush a wedding. He wanted it within a year but I slowed it down. So at the time he was trying to rush marriage, our relationship was also turning sexless".

I am wondering here if you are actually his beard. This is your life too, do not continue to be a mere passenger in it. You need to have a serious conversation with him. Why did he exactly want marriage originally within a year?.

He said he didn't believe in a long engagement

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/10/2022 14:13

He is being unfair in not telling you why he has embarked upon a sexless relationship with you. You may well not like the reasons why he has done this but you deserve to know them all the same.

Marriage to him would be a disaster from the start because marriage is not going to change him.

NoDatingForOldMen · 25/10/2022 14:19

my guesses would be
he might be asexual/ gay/ low sex drive
might have diabetes
He is suffering from sexual performance anxiety

what is his family, traditional, religious?

Original poster
Viewofthesea · 25/10/2022 14:20

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/10/2022 14:13

He is being unfair in not telling you why he has embarked upon a sexless relationship with you. You may well not like the reasons why he has done this but you deserve to know them all the same.

Marriage to him would be a disaster from the start because marriage is not going to change him.

He's more than happy to just cuddle with me and that's it. There's never any sex any more between us because I gave up on it. He's not able to maintain an erection for sex with me. He can maintain an erection for masturbation but that's it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Viewofthesea · 25/10/2022 14:23

NoDatingForOldMen · 25/10/2022 14:19

my guesses would be
he might be asexual/ gay/ low sex drive
might have diabetes
He is suffering from sexual performance anxiety

what is his family, traditional, religious?

We both grew up with a Catholic family background but I don't believe for one minute that it's a religious thing with him. He hardly follows the Catholic Church and goings any more. He's doesn't go to mass. It's not a religious from him.

A lot of people our age who grew up with a Catholic background, refuses to be dominated by the Catholic Church and Catholic traditions.

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