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Original poster

Shall I wait till after Christmas to leave my husband

51 replies

Swimintheocean · 24/10/2022 20:02

I’ve realised over the last couple of years that I’ve been falling out of love with my husband. I’ve not had one tangible reason to leave him, mostly that my feelings have changed. Like many people (after reading so many threads of people in similar situations) my thoughts have been all over the place, wondering if leaving him would be the best decision. I’m currently having a couple of counselling sessions, onto my 3rd next week, and I think I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I “settled” for him when we first got together 22 years ago. I now feel he’s more like a friend, rather than a lover, and the physical attraction has gone. I feel I’m 99% certain that I’m going to leave him, but it’s now the timing, as we have a 9yro DS and although it’s not that close to Christmas, I’m wondering if it’s best waiting till after Christmas. I know there’s upside’s and downsides to both doing it before or after, but can anyone share their stories of separation leading upto Christmas, or if you waited.
my husband doesn’t know I have been feeling like this, so I think as soon as I tell him, he’ll want to separate, as I can’t see him wanting to live in the same house as me.

OP posts:
Inasec24 · 24/10/2022 20:07

I don't know what you should do, I just think if I'm honest and it was me I would wait until after Xmas.

cleanbreak2022 · 24/10/2022 20:09

Hi there, I'm sorry this is something you are going to have to consider, I totally understand it's very difficult and I'm not sure where you are in your plans.

My exdp left last December, 2 weeks before Christmas. As the partner who was left with a then 7yr old DS and a 15mo DD I would suggest to either go relatively soon (early November) or late Jan.

I will never forget the look of absolute desperation on my sons face with the Christmas tree lights twinkling.

My exdp could have told me before hand and I would have said make it till January just for their sake.

Clymene · 24/10/2022 20:11

I'd stay until the new year for your child's sake.

firstmummy2019 · 24/10/2022 20:13

Does your husband have any idea that you are unhappy in this relationship? Have you talked to him. If not, I think it would be cruel to just up and leave. Have you thought about couple's counselling?

marykateashley · 24/10/2022 20:21

7 days before Christmas, 5 years ago, my extremely manipulative husband of 7 years (father of our 5 children) asked me if he was wasting his time with me. I gave zero thought to Christmas when I answered yes you are and told him to leave. We still spent Christmas day together that year. I don't think it did affect the children massively. The eldest was 8 at the time and the youngest wasn't quite 2. For the entirety of the Christmas period they got an extremely relieved mother who felt the weight of the world had been lifted from her shoulders.

If you wait until after Christmas, there will be somebody's birthday that you'll need to wait for. Or valentines day, or Easter or let's just wait until after this event. If you know that you want this to be over then do it and start enjoying your life. Your child will ultimately be much better off for both parents being happier apart than miserable together

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 24/10/2022 20:27

Go now, Christmas will be miserable if you don’t.

KangarooKenny · 24/10/2022 21:19

No, no, no. I told my DH that I wanted to separate last autumn, time ticked on and nothing happened, then it was coming up to Christmas.
Now we’re still living together but as hardly speaking friends, I wish I’d followed through with it last year.

lentilly · 24/10/2022 21:22

No do it ASAP. If you've decided don't stretch it out.

Bestcatmum · 24/10/2022 21:24

Xmas is totally irrelevant. Do it now. Get it done.

EmmaDilemma5 · 24/10/2022 21:31

Have you tried anything to save the marriage?

I get that you don't feel in love with him anymore and that the physical attraction has gone, and I may be wrong, but isn't that pretty normal for long term relationships, to go through rough patches?

I also know you say you settled, but, deep down, isn't that also pretty common? Not to settle down with someone you don't love, but maybe for people to settle down with someone 'good enough' rather than perfect (which rarely exists). And perhaps also common to reflect back in a negative way. I mean, if it felt like a bad move at the time, would you have done it? It's easy to look back and say you settled when you're trying to justify a way to end your relationship.

Because you have a shared child, who's at a very impressionable age, and because there's no abuse or marked reason for leaving, I think maybe you owe it to your child and your husband (and you!) to work at it. That's not to say it will lead to a forever relationship, but perhaps it will give you both time to make some changes.

I would be very wary about separating a family after only 2-3 counselling sessions. And I would definitely recommend opening up to your husband and suggesting couples counselling.

EmmaDilemma5 · 24/10/2022 21:33

KangarooKenny · 24/10/2022 21:19

No, no, no. I told my DH that I wanted to separate last autumn, time ticked on and nothing happened, then it was coming up to Christmas.
Now we’re still living together but as hardly speaking friends, I wish I’d followed through with it last year.

Why has it taken a year? Why are you wishing you had done it sooner but not acting now?

DreamingOfSoftWhiteSand · 24/10/2022 21:33

I waited until January. It made the Christmas holidays much easier to navigate with friends and family. I'd wait.

MrsTruss · 24/10/2022 21:36

Why have you not discussed this with him? It is extremely cruel to just up and leave with no discussion at least - same for men as women. There are terrible stories on here of men just doing this and the women usually get so much sympathy. 22 years deserves more respect than that!

Nanatokidsdogshampsters · 24/10/2022 21:43

Our Sil decided to walk out on Christmas morning.
Fortunately/unfortunately 1 of the 3 grandchildren was only able to remember.
Even now she is nearly 16 she hates Christmas. It didn't matter how much her mum and our family tried to make it fun. She always says this is the day 'dad left for his other family'. (He had another child with the other woman and chose her)

beastlyslumber · 24/10/2022 21:45

You've had 2 or 3 counselling sessions and decided to break up your marriage? I think you should give it a lot more thought tbh. Couples counselling with your husband would be a good idea.

Original poster
Swimintheocean · 24/10/2022 22:43

@firstmummy2019 we haven’t talked about it, but deep down I sense that he knows something is different. I will obviously have a talk with him, before actually leaving, it won’t just be a case of “I’m leaving you” but I know he will refuse to go to couples counselling.

OP posts:
JanesBond · 24/10/2022 22:49

I made a decision to leave at the beginning of December (with a 4 yr old DD) and moved out on the 15th. There is never a good time to leave - and once I had made my decision I had to go. A week seems like an eternity to a young child - and the thought of another wretched Christmas with my ex was too much.

TheTeddyBears · 24/10/2022 23:53

Yeah I would be inclined to wait until after Christmas too. Maybe even after new year if you can manage to wait until then.

twilightermummy · 25/10/2022 00:18

My parents divorced when I was 10; I really wouldn’t underestimate the fallout of your actions.
I’m a single mum myself and I’d never judge people for making the decision that is right for them. However, as there doesn’t seem to be any abuse (in fact I sense you love him in a way - he’s your family after all!)I really think that you should at least wait until after Christmas.

I don’t know the lead up to this and you’ll know your situation more than us but, if you can, my advice would be to try harder to make it work. Believe me, the grass isn’t always greener! Although, if you have exhausted all other options then you only get one life but it doesn’t sound like you have.

BaffledShopper · 25/10/2022 00:24

Are you leaving him for another man?

Aishah231 · 25/10/2022 07:56

EmmaDilemma5 · 24/10/2022 21:31

Have you tried anything to save the marriage?

I get that you don't feel in love with him anymore and that the physical attraction has gone, and I may be wrong, but isn't that pretty normal for long term relationships, to go through rough patches?

I also know you say you settled, but, deep down, isn't that also pretty common? Not to settle down with someone you don't love, but maybe for people to settle down with someone 'good enough' rather than perfect (which rarely exists). And perhaps also common to reflect back in a negative way. I mean, if it felt like a bad move at the time, would you have done it? It's easy to look back and say you settled when you're trying to justify a way to end your relationship.

Because you have a shared child, who's at a very impressionable age, and because there's no abuse or marked reason for leaving, I think maybe you owe it to your child and your husband (and you!) to work at it. That's not to say it will lead to a forever relationship, but perhaps it will give you both time to make some changes.

I would be very wary about separating a family after only 2-3 counselling sessions. And I would definitely recommend opening up to your husband and suggesting couples counselling.

This! I think you should try to make your marriage work given your son is 9 and there's no abuse etc. I think you'll find your complaints are pretty common. The grass may not be greener elsewhere.

Eslteacher06 · 25/10/2022 08:09

Those posters suggesting to keep at it....really? It's her choice.

For the one asking if she has another man...?? It doesn't always have to involve another person.

Very tricky situation. There are pros and cons to both. If you're going to do it, do it now, when there is no association to Christmas

jay55 · 25/10/2022 08:14

Will you be moving in with family or looking for a rental?
If it's a rental it might take you til January to find somewhere, depending where you live. The rental market is nuts.

MrsR87 · 25/10/2022 08:20

My mum did what you are describing to my dad a few years ago. We had a family Christmas, no one suspected a thing. Come early Jan, she announced she was leaving my
dad. Because she had made the decision in Oct time, but decided to wait until after Christmas, she had had a lot of time to do research about bills etc with the intent of giving it all to my dad to make his life easier when she left. Instead, to my dad it felt cold and calculating and he’s never got over the fact that the last Christmas was all a lie. To be honest, I think it really affects his mental health. If you’re going to do it, I would just do it.

Suprima · 25/10/2022 08:22

Oh my god- please ignore these posters trying to get you to stay in your relationship.

’he doesn’t hit you’ doesn’t mean you have to stick with him.

I’m sorry all your bars are so low. women deserve to be happy, sexually fulfilled and cherished.

he’s 9. He’ll soon pick up on the fact that mum doesn’t love dad, however kind and civil she is.

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