Shall I wait till after Christmas to leave my husband

[Swimintheocean]

I’ve realised over the last couple of years that I’ve been falling out of love with my husband. I’ve not had one tangible reason to leave him, mostly that my feelings have changed. Like many people (after reading so many threads of people in similar situations) my thoughts have been all over the place, wondering if leaving him would be the best decision. I’m currently having a couple of counselling sessions, onto my 3rd next week, and I think I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I “settled” for him when we first got together 22 years ago. I now feel he’s more like a friend, rather than a lover, and the physical attraction has gone. I feel I’m 99% certain that I’m going to leave him, but it’s now the timing, as we have a 9yro DS and although it’s not that close to Christmas, I’m wondering if it’s best waiting till after Christmas. I know there’s upside’s and downsides to both doing it before or after, but can anyone share their stories of separation leading upto Christmas, or if you waited.
my husband doesn’t know I have been feeling like this, so I think as soon as I tell him, he’ll want to separate, as I can’t see him wanting to live in the same house as me.

It depends how prepared you are. My mum left my dad in November, Xmas wasn't an issue we were both glad to get away from him. But she had been planning for months. If you need to set up somewhere to live etc you may need to put some thought into your timing, as I wouldn't personally leave over the festive period, nor would I hang on if I had all ducks in a row now.

If there were no children involved, I'd say go as soon as you are ready, definitely before Christmas.

With a child, unless the home environment is unsafe for you/them, I'd say give them Christmas. Otherwise everything will still be raw and you'll still be sorting stuff out with DH.

No one is saying to stay in an unhappy marriage but surely the OP needs to have a conversation with her husband about how unhappy she is before getting up and leaving. Just leaving 22 years of marriage without communicating your issues seems very harsh on her partner.

22 years is a long time to just walk out without even trying to address your problems, especially when you have a young child. Most people do 'settle' to some extent in their marriages. The idea that you can have this wild romance for your whole life is lovely - but how many people have that, really? If you have friendship, support, fun, sex, a partnership, then you have a lot more than many people do. If one aspect of a marriage isn't working, e.g. you've lost attraction, but other things are still okay, then I think trying to work on that is a good idea.

OP you say that your husband would refuse counselling. If you told him how you're feeling, that you're seriously considering leaving, would he not want to try to fix things? If not, then maybe you're right and the relationship has run its course. You obviously don't have to stay if it's not working and he doesn't want to try to make it work. It sounds to me like you've already checked out.

My dad left early December. It was close enough to Christmas to be associated.

If you are sure you are going to do it I'd do it ASAP. But think about the practicalities, eg. Will you be living as you are at Christmas and will it be tense? Have you got somewhere else to go.

If you don't do it ASAP I think you've got to hold out til Feb really. Any time in January and you run the risk of your husband and son feeling you've been lying to them and deceiving them. It's fine to be unsure what you want and exploring this further with a counsellor over time and waiting a few months IMO. But if you are going to do it soon you must be absolutely sure and not yo-yo back into this relationship in six months. That could be so damaging for your son.

Thanks to everyone for your comments so far, and thanks to those that realise this is my choice, and I’m not just going to leave him with without talking to him first. Yes, 22 years is a long time to be with someone and I’m not just throwing that away. There’s reasons that I haven’t put on here, as if I did I’ll be writing an essay!! And me making the decision to leave my husband is why I’m having the counselling. im not sure if I put on the first post, that I’ve been feeling something wasn’t right for the past 2 years, it’s only really the last 6 months that I’ve actually delved deeper into these feelings.
And no, there isn’t anyone else involved.

I’ve just looked at my first post, maybe it’s the way I phrased it, sorry for anyones confusion

Stay till 26th. Get the presents that way.

Would it be an 'immediate' moment - ie. you had to literally break up and then no longer live together - or could you be civil enough to slowly plan it together?

I will never forget the moment my parents told me they were separating it is one of the most intense memories of my life - I was 12 my sibling was 10.

I don't know what the answer if (and realistically nobody here knows either though they may have useful thoughts) - but I think it would surely be healthy if you were able to separate with thought rather than in one sudden moment?

I think once you decide you're leaving, just do it. You might lose momentum otherwise. And you'll be in limbo until it's done.

There's always a reason to put it off.

I don't think it's fair on anyone for you to stay if you're ready to go.

If you talk to him before Christmas and stay he'll know and you'll know.
If you don't, he'll have suspicions and you'll know.

It won't be a happy, jolly family Christmas. There'll be an undercurrent of tension.

I would wait until January and initiate the conversation then.

Personally, I’d ignore this post implying that a marriage of 22 years doesn’t deserve the care
and respect of communication before calling an end to it.

Upping and leaving after 22 years, with no (or minimal) discussion is heartless and callous

My ex husband actually left on Christmas Day while my 3DS's were opening their presents... so don't do that
Are you sure he has no idea how you feel?

Grass is greener where you water it.

I separated from my exh in December. I don't think waiting until after Xmas helps anyone.

This!!

If you haven't told your husband how you feel and made changes to how your life is together, how do you know things can't improve?

I left my exH on 7th January, purposefully to avoid Christmas.

How long would you need to sort housing etc? Have you made any practical plans about who moves out, who gets the house, where will your child live? Those things take time to sort.

I think if you have made up your mind it is cruel to fake your way through the holidays and then spring it on him (if there is no risk to your safety). But I know it can be very complicated to do this and there may be an extended period when things are slowly detaching but it's still not clear if it's the end.

Are you leaving your kid as well as your husband?

I guess she can have the discussion with the partner to drag out the inevitable further just to check it is dead, but then that's just putting the husband through more pain. Which is cruel and unnecessary. She is not proposing to just up and leave, and she is doing it properly by going through counselling to explore her headspace.

I'd ask him to have join therapy about how to separate as that might be helpful. But please don't feel guilty for feeling this way - you'll get people IRL tell you to reconsider too. Like you're not allowed to make your own mind up or something.

How are you feeling op ?

Well done OP for figuring out what you want to do. My vote is if you can stand it, stay til after Xmas. Get busy in between by making a list of things you want done before you break up. Make it a lovely Xmas and do it in Jan. Ignore everyone saying to give it another chance — that would be unfair to your husband and, most importantly, to you.

Just up and leave after 22 years - what a heartless and callous post, please ignore this awful comment

Thanks again everyone, and thanks @KangarooKenny for asking how I’m feeling. To be honest, I’m feeling a bit more unsure, although I think I’m going to wait till after Christmas, maybe even end Jan/February like someone suggested, as I think by then Christmas will just be a memory. But my next step is I’m going to speak to my mum, she doesn’t know I’m feeling like this, so I want to open up to her, and also I think when I do have the chat with him, and if we were to separate straight away, I think me and our DS will be able to stay with them, but that’s only a presumption, so I’m going to chat to her first. I’m still having the counselling, so I think a few more weeks of that will help.