Can abusive men ever be good parents?

[ExperiencesDiffer]

This is my own situation.

Left now ExH when our DC was a toddler. He took me to court and was awarded EOWend, he was consistent with this never missed a weekend and took me back to court when DC was 6 and was awarded 35% roughly; he was 2 set overnights a week and EOWend (5 in 14).

He’s never missed contact, asks to have DC extra time in holidays, goes to all plays, sports days, parents’ evenings, takes them to activities if I can’t etc. literally only thing he leaves to me is haircuts and medical stuff but he does attend appointments and will do ones if I can’t take DC (they have some SN and medical issues). He’s pushing for full 50%, in a week on, week off, scenario - and if he took me to court he'd likely get it.

He’s moved on, we’re divorced and he has a new girlfriend. GF has a DC herself who lives with her, but ExH has 1-1 time a couple of times a week with my DC when his GFs DC has activities and I know he works a few evenings when he doesn’t have DC. He’s basically the perfect parent. Everyone tells me so as well, even my own family say he’s perfect!

DC absolutely loves going to contact, counts down to seeing their dad and always talks with such excitement about it. I have no concerns at all about ExHs parenting.

But he was horrible to me, extremely violent, left me physically as well as mentally scarred, I’m still in counselling now 5 years after we divorced.
Yet he appears to be a good father, it makes me question myself and whether what happened happened, if that makes sense? Because the person he is now is not the person he was 5 years ago.

I read it on here all the time “Abusive men are never good parents and never really want 50/50” but that’s not my experience. And it does leave me wondering how much I imagined, even though I’ve been told by counsellors it’s some of the worst abuse they’ve ever been told about and there’s no way I could make it up or have scarred myself physically (not my face but a part of my body that is often on show – think like arms/legs/neck), but yet it doesn’t match up to him now. I literally lie to people when they ask about my scar if they know him as I get told “No way he’d do that he’s the perfect man”.

So do abusive men make good parents?

Was he into drugs or a bad drinker as people who come out of addiction and go clean can do well with therapy. But you know yourself what you endured so l wouldn't be doubting myself on that. Has he ever said anything as it sounds like you have good contact.? Has he ever spoken about what happened?
Sounds like he has a strong hatred of women and also l would be very cautious as your dc reaches teens as a control freak finds it difficult to deal with a rebellious teen.

@junebirthdaygirl I suspect drugs but never had any clear evidence of it.

Yes I do think some people just bring out the worst in each other but then unpopular opinion I do think abusive men can change (Not with the same partner) preparing to be flamed for saying that

So do abusive men make good parents?

Not necessarily 'do' but 'can'. Your post has just proved that.

Well, he is not a good parent, is he? He was violent to the mother of his children and left you scarred and you are still in counselling. Has he ever acknowledged this or apologised? Explained?
I mean, it is great for DC that he now seems to be able to behave properly but those were not the actions of a good parent, so the most you could say is that he now seems to be able to behave properly and that is better for the DC than if he still behaved violently. Whether it is better for the DC to be with him 50/50 than the current arrangement is a separate question, and whether taking you through court to get the contact he wants after beating you up and scarring you is the actions of a good man is also open to question.

Don't doubt yourself, OP, and please don't listen to people saying there must have been faults on both sides. That's just gaslighting. Your injuries don't lie. And whether you irritated him or not, he has no excuse for physically attacking you.

Men like that can be very persuasive

I agree with Junebirthdaygirl, who said Sounds like he has a strong hatred of women and also l would be very cautious as your dc reaches teens as a control freak finds it difficult to deal with a rebellious teen -- especially your child is a daughter. It's easy to play the perfect dad to a cute little-one who believes every word he says. His real self may show when s/he starts answering back.

Hmm my ex was found guilty of assaulting me and 6 years on we pretty much have 50/50. With him it was drugs, the first few years after he had to submit drug tests (for weed) to be able to have his DD. He had become increasingly irrational, aggressive and in the end violent. I keep a close eye when we meet and am still on high alert for any signs. He's still off drugs but I know how dominating he can be, so am pleased when I can see our DD is able to influence him and argue her point successfully. She is on the cusp of being a teenager, so how he reactes to more challenge is something I'm watching carefully. I'm mostly happy that she's benefitting greatly from seeing her dad, but always on edge in case there's a slide back. At least at the age she is now she will be able to vote with her feet if necessary,

Being abusive is all about asserting power and control. DCs are no threat in this regard whereas DW is. So, yes, abusive men can be good parents. My DP is an abuser and an ok parent.

Abusers don't respect. So no. Parenting is all about respect.

DHs Dad was an abusive partner but he was abusive and controlling in other ways with DH and his sisters. He was particularly horrible to DHs sister who is most similar to him in personality (not abusive) and has caused her no end of emotional and psychological issues.

No, too high risk.
I wouldn't ever allow an abusive man around my children. I only surround myself with healthy people.

No.

@SpentDandelion But I didn't have a choice, the courts have twice now deemed him able to see DC and increased contact the second time, if it went to court again he'd likely get 50/50. There's nothing to suggest his current relationship is absuive or DC hates contact so I'd not have grounds to argue against it.

When they become teenagers and start having their own opinions on things is when the abuse often kicks in.

So do abusive men make good parents?

No. Because good parents don't abuse their spouses.

DC absolutely loves going to contact, counts down to seeing their dad and always talks with such excitement about it. I have no concerns at all about ExHs parenting.

But he was horrible to me, extremely violent, left me physically as well as mentally scarred, I’m still in counselling now 5 years after we divorced.

& if DC knew that his father beat up & emotionally abused his mother, he would have very different views about him. But that's not a test you can apply, because it's not something that a child ought to know. So you have to suck up the double whammy of unfairness OP.
I am so sorry, & so glad you escaped your abusive ex.

What a naive, smug & judgemental post.

How exactly do you imagine you would be able to prevent contact @SpentDandelion ? A spot of parental alienation? Defying the family court ordered contact? Ignoring the law?

If you had an abusive ex, they would pounce on that behaviour & use it to brand YOU as the abusive party.

This is a very perceptive post.

Quote fail there. I was trying to quote dizzydizzydizzy

I think a partner who abuses the mother of his child is a poor parent because by harming the mother he harms his child.

Is he apologetic? Was he ever made accountable for his actions? What's his take on it?

I don't think abusive men are good parents. But if you think 50% is likely, rather than focus on his suitability, what about thinking whether 50/50 will work for DC? I don't agree with it, I think DC need a base, especially as they get older. If he works evenings when he doesn't have DC, how will that work if he had a full week?

To pp asking if he's apologetic, no idea, he's never mentioned it at all since the day I left. He didn't contact me for 6 months then sent me court papers, now we do talk but only about DC, we never talk about us and I don't really want to.

I did tell people including the police but he was never charged with anything "insufficient evidence". Like I said I never had any concrete evidence but I suspected drugs were involved, there were several people at his work confinicted around the time we split (local papers confirmed it) but thats the only evidence I had apart from when he said he got a "red mist" when it came to me.

As for 50/50, I have long given up thinking I alone know whats best for DC. He's pushing for 50/50 and my solicitor said the consistency he's shown (never ever missed contact, DC has missed it due to being ill but that's all) and because he asks for extra contact it shows he wants to be involved, plus he's stepped up with his extra court awarded contact so apparently the court is "extremely likely" to grant 50/50 if it went back. Plus I think DC would want that as they love spending time with their, and they're getting close to the age they'll have a say.

Abusive partners tend to be charming and loveable to everyone around them, it's what gives them the ability to abuse their main target so yes on the surface they can look like the perfect parent. When your child gets older and starts asserting his own boundaries and challenging his father, that's when the mask might slip as he senses he is losing control of his 'perfect' situation. Also no good parent abuses the other parent so even if he has magically turned everything around he is still an abuser.

This.

Children often adolise their parents (especially the non resident one) and are easily manipulated and easily controlled. They are literally physically controllable until teen-agers or older.

There is no challenge to his "authority".

There is also no sexual/mate "guarding" control aspect; that abusive men often have with their partners. That compulsion to get them under their heel me tally and physically so they won't (they think) leave or cheat.