Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Can abusive men ever be good parents?

75 replies

ExperiencesDiffer · 24/10/2022 17:54

This is my own situation.

Left now ExH when our DC was a toddler. He took me to court and was awarded EOWend, he was consistent with this never missed a weekend and took me back to court when DC was 6 and was awarded 35% roughly; he was 2 set overnights a week and EOWend (5 in 14).

He’s never missed contact, asks to have DC extra time in holidays, goes to all plays, sports days, parents’ evenings, takes them to activities if I can’t etc. literally only thing he leaves to me is haircuts and medical stuff but he does attend appointments and will do ones if I can’t take DC (they have some SN and medical issues). He’s pushing for full 50%, in a week on, week off, scenario - and if he took me to court he'd likely get it.

He’s moved on, we’re divorced and he has a new girlfriend. GF has a DC herself who lives with her, but ExH has 1-1 time a couple of times a week with my DC when his GFs DC has activities and I know he works a few evenings when he doesn’t have DC. He’s basically the perfect parent. Everyone tells me so as well, even my own family say he’s perfect!

DC absolutely loves going to contact, counts down to seeing their dad and always talks with such excitement about it. I have no concerns at all about ExHs parenting.

But he was horrible to me, extremely violent, left me physically as well as mentally scarred, I’m still in counselling now 5 years after we divorced.
Yet he appears to be a good father, it makes me question myself and whether what happened happened, if that makes sense? Because the person he is now is not the person he was 5 years ago.

I read it on here all the time “Abusive men are never good parents and never really want 50/50” but that’s not my experience. And it does leave me wondering how much I imagined, even though I’ve been told by counsellors it’s some of the worst abuse they’ve ever been told about and there’s no way I could make it up or have scarred myself physically (not my face but a part of my body that is often on show – think like arms/legs/neck), but yet it doesn’t match up to him now. I literally lie to people when they ask about my scar if they know him as I get told “No way he’d do that he’s the perfect man”.

So do abusive men make good parents?

OP posts:

Original poster

ExperiencesDiffer · 25/10/2022 21:10

JanglyBeads · 25/10/2022 18:56

Have you done the Freedom Programme or at least read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven, or When Dad Hurts Mom by Lundy Bancroft? Both describe the more subtle ways abusive men parent abusively.

@JanglyBeads I have done the freedom programme and didn't find it that useful, I felt inferior with the other women on the course felt they were in much worse circumstances and didn't contribute at all in group discussion because of it.

I've also had trauma counselling for ongoing PTSD and I'm very blase about the relationship partially due to my experience in family court where I was belittled and made to feel like a bad person for trying to protect myself and my DC.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I have dipped my toe in dating again, saw a guy for around a year but didn't feel I wanted to go any further and ended it before he met DC or even knew my full address.

OP posts:

JanglyBeads · 25/10/2022 22:08

He'd scarred you and yet you felt like you hadn't had things that bad?

Why do you think that was OP?

Sux2buthen · 25/10/2022 22:11

His abuse might be lying dormant but it's still there

Umbellifer · 26/10/2022 11:14

He can’t ever be considered a good parent OP because he abused you and broke up the family home … that’s not good parenting…and yes I agree that his current behaviour is less about wanting to be a good dad than about getting back whatever control he feels he has lost. Take care of yourself xx

MakeItRain · 26/10/2022 13:07

This is something I have often wondered too ExperiencesDiffer . My children are also happy with their contact but my ex was a horrific partner and I am still thankful every day, many years later, that we are now divorced. I am pleased my children appear to have a healthy and happy relationship with him though. I wonder if the marriage ending made him happier and therefore kinder in his dealings with other people?

I think as mothers, all we can do is be thankful our children seem to be happy but just always keep that small part of ourselves monitoring the situation, ready to step in if things ever changed for the worse. It's a strange situation to be in. Well done for managing it as well as you do.💕

Original poster

ExperiencesDiffer · 26/10/2022 13:58

JanglyBeads · 25/10/2022 22:08

He'd scarred you and yet you felt like you hadn't had things that bad?

Why do you think that was OP?

@JanglyBeads I felt that those women had given up a lot more than me and where a lot braver, there were women who'd left their homes their support networks their pets basically everything to move across the country to get away. There where men not allowed to see their DC due to the abuse they'd inflicted on them. And I was there with a regular contact arrangement, still in the town I'd always lived in with my ExH knowing my address, not just the town or area of the town but my entire address.

OP posts:

LemonDrop22 · 26/10/2022 14:06

Did you report him for what he did, particularly what left you scarred?

LemonDrop22 · 26/10/2022 14:07

Was he actually prosecuted for it?

Does he have a record of any sort?

Original poster

ExperiencesDiffer · 26/10/2022 14:55

@LemonDrop22 Yes I reported him to the police but they didn't have enough evidence so he was let go without charge

OP posts:

LemonDrop22 · 26/10/2022 15:32

That's fkg disgraceful.

But it's one of the reasons you felt like your situation was nowhere near as bad as some of the other course attendees.... Because if he had been , there perhaps would have been non-molestation orders, possibly a court case etc.

CharlotteByrde · 26/10/2022 16:08

He isn't a good person. He's an abuser. I hate the compartmentalising that goes on - he 'only' hits his partner so he can still be a good dad. He should be in jail and it's appalling that he got away with it. Tell anyone who asks how you got your scars. They might be shocked but they should be. And as they get older, don't keep it a secret from your kids either. If he starts abusing them when the 'red mist' comes (what kind of lame excuse is that anyway??), they need to know he has history and it's nothing they've done wrong.

Lili132 · 26/10/2022 19:27

It is possible for abusive people to be triggered by certain relationships and people more then others. Close intimate relationships are generally more triggering as thereis more insecurity and more time spent together. Maybe he's OK with your children. It's definitely possible.

I wonder whether you questioning yourself and your reality is part of aftermath of abuse and what does to the mind of the victim. Did you have a proper counseling?

JanglyBeads · 26/10/2022 19:32

@Lili132 have you ever experienced abuse?

JanglyBeads · 26/10/2022 19:33

I'd call it seize opportunities rather than being triggered

Soproudoflionesses · 26/10/2022 19:57

Hard one op.
I have got a male friend who l know can be a right prick to his girlfriend. I have been on the receiving end of his aggression hence why he isn't such a good friend any more.

But he is absolutely dedicated to his children and l can't question his unconditional love for them.

So yes l think maybe they can.

JanglyBeads · 26/10/2022 20:03

Abusive men can look superficially like great parents.

But they emotionally disabled (if I can use that phrase) and therefore cannot fail to be doing some kind of emotional damage via their parenting.

IMHO anyway.

And that's before you get onto abusing their DC's mum.

monsteramunch · 26/10/2022 20:05

Soproudoflionesses · 26/10/2022 19:57

Hard one op.
I have got a male friend who l know can be a right prick to his girlfriend. I have been on the receiving end of his aggression hence why he isn't such a good friend any more.

But he is absolutely dedicated to his children and l can't question his unconditional love for them.

So yes l think maybe they can.

Is his girlfriend he's a 'right prick' to the mum of his children? He's been 'aggressive' to her too I assume, if he has been to you?

Hurdling · 26/10/2022 20:06

Courts are reluctant to change the status quo, he’d have e to prove it would benefit the children and that’s much harder to argue now he sees them more already. I fail to believe abusive men change, my abusive x has gone on to abuse subsequent partners and you don’t know he still isn’t abusing his current partner. It is so hard with people saying stupid things, but you know the truth, and no it wasn’t your fault.

Hurdling · 26/10/2022 20:08

@CharlotteByrde couldn’t agree more.

CharlotteByrde · 26/10/2022 20:24

The idea that abuse is ‘triggered’ sounds like blaming the victim. The abuser always has a choice-hit or don’t.

JanglyBeads · 26/10/2022 20:29

JanglyBeads · 26/10/2022 19:33

I'd call it seize opportunities rather than being triggered

...as I posted earlier, @CharlotteByrde

Soproudoflionesses · 26/10/2022 20:38

monsteramunch · 26/10/2022 20:05

Is his girlfriend he's a 'right prick' to the mum of his children? He's been 'aggressive' to her too I assume, if he has been to you?

Show quote history

No they don't have kids together

Original poster

ExperiencesDiffer · 27/10/2022 11:04

Hurdling · 26/10/2022 20:06

@Hurdling Well they're clearly not sticking to the status quo as he took me back to court 2.5 years after the first order and they increased his contact so I assume if we go back again they'll increase it again.

He doesn't pay much maintenance anyway due to having her 5 nights in 14 - currently it's Tuesday and Wednesday overnights 1 week and Tuesday overnight and Friday and Saturday overnight the next. My solicitor says he'd argue that a week on week off arrangement would suit DC better due to their SN.

Lots of thoughts on this thread. There is absolutely no indication whatsoever that he's abusing DC or his new GF and her DC, none at all, not even a hint of any shouting or anything, so to me it does appear he's genuinely changed.

As I said several times now I suspected he was a drug addict when he was with me so whether he was and he's got clean I have no idea.

OP posts:

JanglyBeads · 27/10/2022 11:29

And how your children, OP?

Ofcourseshecan · 29/11/2022 23:10

I hope this is all working out for you, OP. Luckily he doesn't have the power over DC that he had over you. But he has never apologised to you, so even if he is on good behaviour for the rest of his life, he is not a 'good guy' and you always deserved better. I hope life is treating you better now.

Flip

1 2 3