Can abusive men ever be good parents?

[ExperiencesDiffer]

This is my own situation.

Left now ExH when our DC was a toddler. He took me to court and was awarded EOWend, he was consistent with this never missed a weekend and took me back to court when DC was 6 and was awarded 35% roughly; he was 2 set overnights a week and EOWend (5 in 14).

He’s never missed contact, asks to have DC extra time in holidays, goes to all plays, sports days, parents’ evenings, takes them to activities if I can’t etc. literally only thing he leaves to me is haircuts and medical stuff but he does attend appointments and will do ones if I can’t take DC (they have some SN and medical issues). He’s pushing for full 50%, in a week on, week off, scenario - and if he took me to court he'd likely get it.

He’s moved on, we’re divorced and he has a new girlfriend. GF has a DC herself who lives with her, but ExH has 1-1 time a couple of times a week with my DC when his GFs DC has activities and I know he works a few evenings when he doesn’t have DC. He’s basically the perfect parent. Everyone tells me so as well, even my own family say he’s perfect!

DC absolutely loves going to contact, counts down to seeing their dad and always talks with such excitement about it. I have no concerns at all about ExHs parenting.

But he was horrible to me, extremely violent, left me physically as well as mentally scarred, I’m still in counselling now 5 years after we divorced.
Yet he appears to be a good father, it makes me question myself and whether what happened happened, if that makes sense? Because the person he is now is not the person he was 5 years ago.

I read it on here all the time “Abusive men are never good parents and never really want 50/50” but that’s not my experience. And it does leave me wondering how much I imagined, even though I’ve been told by counsellors it’s some of the worst abuse they’ve ever been told about and there’s no way I could make it up or have scarred myself physically (not my face but a part of my body that is often on show – think like arms/legs/neck), but yet it doesn’t match up to him now. I literally lie to people when they ask about my scar if they know him as I get told “No way he’d do that he’s the perfect man”.

So do abusive men make good parents?

*mentally

He's pushing for 50/50 and my solicitor said the consistency he's shown (never ever missed contact, DC has missed it due to being ill but that's all) and because he asks for extra contact it shows he wants to be involved, plus he's stepped up with his extra court awarded contact so apparently the court is "extremely likely" to grant 50/50 if it went back

He pays no child maintenance if he has 50 50 residency, right?

Past of his good behaviour might be to get to that, so he doesn't have to pay you a penny. That would probably give him satisfaction, since he abused you and you got away from him.

he has a new girlfriend. GF has a DC herself who lives with her

And he left you with fkg scars.

Just goes to show how women get into these situations. No Claire's law check presumably, maybe there would even be anything recorded against him to report. No convo with you about him as a partner, of course .. just automatic trust .. for a fkg animal (and that's an insult to animals).

This too.

The innocence of children. Kept in the dark and attaching to immoral, sick adults be dude they don't know any better and are made dependant on them.

I know of some kids who clung for comfort & guidance to their Daddy's gf/new step mother. They had lost their mother to suicide. What they didn't know was that she and their Daddy's affair was a factor in the suicide.

The type of men who are abusive do it mostly for power and control. Younger kids often idolise their dads, however as kids get older it’s natural for them to test their boundaries and assert themselves more.
I have seen daddy’s little princess becoming the target of an abusive father once puberty/teenage years hit especially in a man that hates women. These are girls who everyone would of described as having a wonderful relationship with their dad.
Also kids can be so eager to please/be loved that the emotional abuse doesn’t register as abuse with them until years later. They just want to be loved and so they accept what is being said to them. As they get older they realise what is being said to them feels wrong and things escalate at that point.
So very often the abuser doesn’t have to resort to violence to keep a child in line, but other toxic behaviour is likely being used.

Im so sad to read that not only do you have
mental scars , you have physical also

right now he’s a ‘good’ father
well actually he’s just a father

I’m not sure why he did that to you
he has some flaw in him , some hatred of Women

but to HURT like that , its disgusting

keep an eye on him
when they are little it’s one thing
when they are tweens … teens
things will change

and whilst i understand this post , Never ever doing yourself , what he did , how vile he is

right now he’s a ‘good’ father
well actually he’s just a father

Yeah funny how the bar & related expectations for fathers is so incredibly low that a man just doing the basics - like a really sticking to his contact times, and apparently not abusing his child - is considered him being a great father. It would be funny if it wasn't such a sad indictment of our society.

I think his strategy is to get to 50 50 to pay non child maintenance.

He clearly hates women underneath and clearly wanted to abuse and dominate you, he probably still wants to, it must have stuck in his craw to have to pay CM and not to have had automatic custody/access of your child; that meant he had v little control. .... He's played the game to get it and to get out of CM.

His gf is probably part of that strategy. He looks better adjusted and more stable in a relationship, esp. a cohabiting relationship. He looks safe with kids because she's (been foolish enough to) living with him with her child. He's got her to supplement his contact with your child for him, if he needs to work/go off somewhere. He's also, of course, got her doing some drudge work ("women's" work) in their home that he now doesn't have to. She's useful in many ways. He hopes that by being in a relationship with her and not battering/abusing her, it will look to everyone like (at worst) your relationship was just volatile and incompatible, and at "best" that maybe the abuse was exaggerated or didn't even happen.

These fuckers never change.... He's just doing what is necessary to "win", strategising to get back in control.

Well, he is not a good parent, is he? He was violent to the mother of his children and left you scarred and you are still in counselling.

This. He permanently scarred the most important person in his child's life. He's not a good dad. Superficially maybe, but actually, no. Leaving one of the people who cares for your child in need of counselling isn't putting your child first.

He's scum.

by the way two statements here stick out

50:50 suits him , as he would ideally not want to pay anything to you

the fact you left will deep down ire him . he chose to marry you and on some level your ‘his’ in his twisted mind - and you managed to get away

as for the people that don’t believe he could have hurt you . Disengage from them . You might have them in your life , but be very selective on what you tell them . They clearly see what they want too see and have their own warped understanding of what male behaviour Is

This pretty much

First off, I’d stop lying about my scars - if someone asks, I’d say I was in a violent marriage. Why should you cover up for him? If he’s truly changed, then he should be able to own his past. And if your child is 10 ish, then they need to - gradually, in an age appropriate way - become aware of the violence he inflicted on you so they can be aware of the need to watch out for any change in behaviour.

Practically you can’t stop 50/50 as you say, but I would stall it if your solicitor thinks it’s possible, and use that time to (in an age appropriate way, and allowing the fact that people can change) make your daughter aware of her father’s violent past. As a PP says it’s possible that when she becomes a teen with opinions he will find that challenging, and that could trigger a change in behaviour from him. Everyone needs to know what to look out for so that can be managed.

As to whether he’s changed - well he’s changed his behaviour, and perhaps fatherhood triggered that, in which case good for him. But I think it’s only sensible to treat past violent behaviour like past addictive behaviour - you are only ever in recovery, not recovered - it will need vigilance for the rest of his life.

There’s no reason to doubt yourself so please don’t go down that route. Own your past and build up your future for yourself. He doesn’t need to define you. You are a great parent to be able to manage all this, and the plus of him having more time with your daughter is more time to build your own life.

Thank you everyone, interesting to see different perspectives, I honestly at the moment don't see it changing, and I think DC will spend more time there.

I have a job and friends and a life, but I do miss DC when they're with ExH although I never say that, I just smile and ask if they had a good time.

ExperiencesDiffer

would you feel ready to date and meet other guys again ?
I can imagine after such violence it’s a daunting prospect
but could also be fun 🤩 for you , healing and a distraction

I think being a parent is different from being a partner. They're different types of relationships.

I don't know his (warped and wrong) rationale for abusing you, but likely he wanted to control you. He abused you to make him feel better about himself. To make you submissive and for him to raise his ego.

He doesn't need to do that with his child. His child adores him by default. He sees his child as a child, so doesn't need to compete for control.

So whilst he's a useless, nasty piece of crap. Sadly, I don't think that means he's a bad parent.

BUT if he goes on to abuse his current partner, and your son witnesses or is aware of that, it absolutely would make him a bad parent.

I'm so sorry he did that to you. You aren't going crazy, he abused you. He just doesn't see the need to abuse his child.

*He sees his child as a child, so doesn't need to compete for control.

So whilst he's a useless, nasty piece of crap. Sadly, I don't think that means he's a bad parent.*

He sees his child as a child now.

He won't always have adoration and obedience, it will be interesting to see what happens when your child is older.

However the father son (?) and male male relationship may mean he still doesn't become an abuser to him (of at least not in the same way).

Sadly, I don't think that means he's a bad parent.

He's still a bad parent in having abused his child's mother. That could easily affect his child.
A child mother is usually their main carer and an incredibly important person in their life; abusing them physically and mentally affects their child indirectly.

Also on the extreme end of the spectrum, op had survived and her mental health is relatively ok; but he could easily have deprived the child of their mother by accidentally murdering them or the Mum commuting suicide (or deprived them in another way by the mother suffering v poor mental health).

These are not things that never happen. My acquaintance dated a guy who was raised partly in the care system and partly by his older sister because his father had murdered his mother. It followed him into adulthood.
And my cousin worked with an OW whose affair partner's (an abuser) wife commited suicide.

It's also fairly usual for a child to witness and be affected by abuse. That affects them too.

An abuser can never be a truly good parent. There is a lot of naivety and black & white thinking about this.

No I don't think they can.

I think abusive people can be good at some aspects of parenting but the act of abusing or exposing their children to abuse makes them a poor parent.

Domestic abuse has long lasting and extremely damaging affects on children who experience it.

I think they can be a good enough parent, like us all.

Of course they can. People compartmentalise in all aspect of life and this doesn't have to be any different. Just because someone abuses one person doesn't necessarily mean they will abuse every person they meet, that's just obvious.

However I would pay very close attention to what happens when your son develops his own agency and personality, and starts to go against his father's wishes. It's very common for this to lead to a deterioration in relationships

My XH is now unable to abuse me directly so he now does it through/to the DC…. the lying and gaslighting hasn’t stopped it’s just been re-directed.

So no, I don’t think he can ever be a good parent; he can pretend to be one, but it doesn’t make him one.

According to family courts they can and that's a fact

Have you done the Freedom Programme or at least read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven, or When Dad Hurts Mom by Lundy Bancroft? Both describe the more subtle ways abusive men parent abusively.

Lundy Bancroft has expressed a view that family courts, in this regard, are appallingly wrong.

That is the reality. Domineering controlling individuals are difficult for adults to navigate never mind children. Typically children adapt to submit completely to them or else go into a never ending battle and if the dominator is aggressive that can go either way.

Sarcasm or naïveté?