Am I overthinking this or am I right to be reconsidering?

[fairaisle]

I have NC'd for this as I'm paranoid and pathetic.

Sorry for the ramble.

I've been seeing a new guy for around four months. He's really nice and had been single for over 5 years before meeting me. I don't see that itself as a problem at all. But certain things he's alluded to have made me question his attitude towards women. For example, one time I was complaining about work and he responded with "you could quit and get an OnlyFans, I've seen what content does well and I'll help you". Another comment about how he was only single for so long because "women have impossible standards, I was nice to them all but nobody would give me a chance" (is that really true?). And other things that I won't list out for the sake of brevity.

Anyway, today he's reposted one of those "the first three words you see define your year" things on social media and said his three words were sex, ass and wine. Various friends have commented but one stood out in particular: "Minus the wine (he doesn't drink), this feels quite accurate for your current year based on all the stories you've told us involving a certain someone". He's then responded to this friend "F (my initial) has made it a great year despite all the crap going on in the world 😉".

I feel like I'm massively overthinking this. I'm not a prude by any means and of course I expect him to talk to his friends, but I don't expect them to post stuff like that online. It feels kind of disrespectful? I don't know how to explain exactly how I feel but it's really getting to me.

Am I making this into a big deal when it's really nothing? Or am I right to feel a bit concerned?

In combination with the other comments he's made (like the one about OnlyFans), am I hugely overreacting to be considering walking away? He's been lovely to me and I feel stupid to have reached this conclusion based on one social media post. Maybe I'm reaching but these comments just remind me of men who objectify women/incel culture/that kind of thing, and I don't think those men ever truly change.

Any thoughts very much appreciated, thank you in advance

I wouldn’t be comfortable with that, no.

I feel a bit queasy just reading that. Why does he need to advertise that he's getting sex on Facebook? Seems very juvenile. Coupled with the only fans shit I wouldn't want to see him again.

Wouldn’t be happy about it at all. I’d speak to him and explain how you feel and if he is as nice as you think then he should understand and apologise/say he won’t do it again. If he doesn’t actually care about your feelings you will know by his response.

Sorry I’d also like to add that from what’s been said in your text I’m imaging you as some sort of big busted, super hot woman. It all sounds very much like that’s how he sees you (which is great) but I’d want to know he saw me for more than my looks if that makes sense. I could be wrong about him but just a feeling from what he’s said. Or does he think he’s funny 🤷🏻‍♀️

Gross. He's been discussing your sex life with his friends.

He considers himself a porn connoisseur. This means he watches a lot of it. He would happily help you to give up your career and join the porn industry. Not judging those who do, but is it really how you'd guide someone you care about?

I don't trust anyone who thinks it's other people who are always the problem, such as women having impossible standards, rather than him picking incompatible ones or behaving undesirably in some way.

All these little comments are chinks of light onto how he sees the world and his true character. It doesn't sound particularly great if I'm honest. It's not necessarily about waiting for him to say something absolutely monstrous, more like trusting your instincts if you don't like the general picture he's painting.

You are absolutely right to be reconsidering

Any man offering to help me set up an only fans account would have resulted in me immediately blocking and deleting him - never mind all the all stuff.

raise Your standards he is gross gross gross

Frank discussion and based on his response dump him if necessary. I'd definitely want some reassurance and more grown up behaviour from him if I were going to continue the relationship. But tbh ynbu to reconsider at all!

🤢🤮....he's a sleazy creep.

OP, I would be mortified to be associated with such a creep.

Reconsider? Eh no....DUMP.

Sounds like the mentality of a teenager, which probably explains why he’s been single for 5 years, sorry to say.

Oh my god. So not only is he an Only Fans fan (makes me want to vomit) but he wants you to go on there and he'll pimp you out?

AND he's telling all his mates about your sex life?

Get some respect! Dump this awful man.

Jesus Christ, there are enough red flags here to stampede an entire herd of bullocks!

Your boyfriend has offered to assist you in entering into sex work. he thinks he is qualified to help you do, due to the extensive time he spends wanking over this himself.

It is entirely to be expected that he views you through the lens of the sexual service you provide to him, and that he has no respect for you and will happily talk about you in these terms publicly. After all, he was encouraging you to be sexual in public, for money on Onlyfans.

He does not respect women. He does not respect you.

Walk away.

It sounds as if he sees you as a sex object to his mates. Very disrespectful and juvenile. I would not be happy

Your instincts are kicking in for a reason - he’s starting to show his true colours - that he’s a misogynistic, pervy “lad” who sees women as commodities who are put on this earth to fulfil his sexual desires.

He isn’t “really nice” - he just puts on a nice front to reel women in but he can’t keep it up forever - you’re now seeing the other side of him (the real him) and probably the reasons why these other “demanding, unreasonable” women from his past have kicked him to the curb! You do not know someone after 4 months of dating - if you’re getting bad vibes now I’d get out and not waste any more time with this loser.

Thank you all, reading all the responses it's clear that it's not me overthinking. It really is just little comments here and there building up, he seems lovely otherwise (they always do...)

I should have made it clearer that the OF thing was a bit of a joke. More of a tongue in cheek comment than an honest offer to pimp me out. Even still, it was weird and I don't get why you'd joke about that?

Oh Jesus, you don't need to have a discussion with him as others have suggested. He's absolutely a misogynistic pervert. Just dump and run.

eurgh.

Bin him he's gross.

identifying you on FB combined with that comment - is dumpable material. You are worth more.

In combination with the other comments he's made (like the one about OnlyFans), am I hugely overreacting to be considering walking away? He's been lovely to me and I feel stupid to have reached this conclusion based on one social media post.
Wake up OP.
You are not reacting to one social media comment.
You are reacting to his totally inappropriate, sleazy & disgusting offer to pimp you out on Only Fans.

You're also responding to this - which is worrying ion a different way -
Another comment about how he was only single for so long because "women have impossible standards, I was nice to them all but nobody would give me a chance" (is that really true?). And other things that I won't list out for the sake of brevity.
The marvellous Captain Awkward has plenty to say about Nice Guy Syndrome, & she says it way better than I could.

captainawkward.com/2015/02/05/657-asshole-to-english-translator-you-just-like-leading-guys-on-i-am-a-creepy-asshole-who-doesnt-think-you-are-allowed-to-say-no/

captainawkward.com/2011/05/18/reader-question-52-more-art-of-no/

How on earth have you lasted several months with this prize winning specimen?

He isn't lovely "otherwise". This is him. This is who he is. He's showing you this now. It does not get better from here. You won't reform the rake.

Go give your energy to someone who deserves it.

Why would you attempt to reason with, & give the benefit of any doubt to, a man who enthusiastically urges you to go on OnlyFans under his experienced mentorship?

OP already knows HE IS NOT NICE.
NICE MEN TO NOT TRY TO PIMP YOU OUT IN PORN SITES.
Anyone can ACT nice for a few dates. Most abusive men make a habit out of it. How else would they hoodwink decent women into going out with them?

Gross! Bin him

Am I making this into a big deal when it's really nothing? Or am I right to feel a bit concerned

There is no 'right'. There is no over arching authoritative body that sets the rules about what we 'should' and 'shouldn't' accept. You are the boss. If you're uncomfortable, then this IS an uncomfortable situation, FOR YOU. Even if everyone else said you were overthinking and he seemed lovely, YOU are still not ok with what he said.

The question, really, is why don't YOU respect what YOU feel? Why do you need the back up of a forum?

I should have made it clearer that the OF thing was a bit of a joke. More of a tongue in cheek comment than an honest offer to pimp me out. Even still, it was weird and I don't get why you'd joke about that?
Meh.
"Only a joke" my arse.
That wasn't a joke. It was a boundary test.
Dump him immediately OP this will NOT improve.

www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

No discussion just dump. What a childish disrespectful arse. Simple.