Am I overthinking this or am I right to be reconsidering?

[fairaisle]

I have NC'd for this as I'm paranoid and pathetic.

Sorry for the ramble.

I've been seeing a new guy for around four months. He's really nice and had been single for over 5 years before meeting me. I don't see that itself as a problem at all. But certain things he's alluded to have made me question his attitude towards women. For example, one time I was complaining about work and he responded with "you could quit and get an OnlyFans, I've seen what content does well and I'll help you". Another comment about how he was only single for so long because "women have impossible standards, I was nice to them all but nobody would give me a chance" (is that really true?). And other things that I won't list out for the sake of brevity.

Anyway, today he's reposted one of those "the first three words you see define your year" things on social media and said his three words were sex, ass and wine. Various friends have commented but one stood out in particular: "Minus the wine (he doesn't drink), this feels quite accurate for your current year based on all the stories you've told us involving a certain someone". He's then responded to this friend "F (my initial) has made it a great year despite all the crap going on in the world 😉".

I feel like I'm massively overthinking this. I'm not a prude by any means and of course I expect him to talk to his friends, but I don't expect them to post stuff like that online. It feels kind of disrespectful? I don't know how to explain exactly how I feel but it's really getting to me.

Am I making this into a big deal when it's really nothing? Or am I right to feel a bit concerned?

In combination with the other comments he's made (like the one about OnlyFans), am I hugely overreacting to be considering walking away? He's been lovely to me and I feel stupid to have reached this conclusion based on one social media post. Maybe I'm reaching but these comments just remind me of men who objectify women/incel culture/that kind of thing, and I don't think those men ever truly change.

Any thoughts very much appreciated, thank you in advance

He's a sleaze. Your instincts are good and I'm glad you're getting rid of him!

Yikes, run, don't walk!!

If something makes you feel uncomfortable or weird listen to yourself and don't dismiss your inner voice. You don't have to explain why or find a "valid" reason.

Good for you for listening this time. You've worked hard on your outer body and now you are working on your inner. You got this.

Good on you for listening to your own concerns and enforcing your own boundaries.

And well done on your hard work in the gym!!

Omg I could have written this about a man I went out with before I met DH. He made similar "jokes" and comments that made it fairly clear he saw me as some kind of trophy (I have features and colouring that are 'desirable' in his country).

I too overthought it because he was nice to me and I was worried breaking it off would be a mistake. Eventually the comments really started to annoy me, I spoke to him about it, he made a lot of promises but ultimately his attitude was immature and I broke up with him. He argued a lot that he could "change" but you can't change being immature and insensitive which to me came across as disrespectful behaviour. You are making the right decision.

Definite no

Appalling suggestion re fans

Aw, if it was the T I know (a former colleague) I was going to say give him another chance! He had the most awful and immature sense of humour so he made those kinds of jokes all the time. I couldn't stand him when he first joined our team but then I realised he had a heart of gold underneath and I started thinking… "if I were ten years younger" and all that.

No I wouldn't be happy with this. Just posting those silly things on social media would put me off, let alone all.the other stuff.
I would end it

Fuck him. You can pick up a man like that on any slum estate street corner. Block him and raise your standards.

Well, it's over.

I feel like a fool, reading my OP it's so clear that this guy was awful and I didn't even list half the doubts I had about him! And then I feel like an even bigger fool for feeling quite upset at ending it, even though I know it's the right thing to do.

Tonight I'll let myself wallow in front of the TV with some ice cream, and then tomorrow start to move forward :)

Wanted to say a huge thank you to all of you who have responded, the comments have really helped and made this a lot easier for me. And lots of them have me laughing at my phone reading them, something I definitely need at the moment!

Well done? @fairaisle! We're all proud of you!

!, not ?

Ah bit late to this. But just wanted to say - You sound fucking awesome!

He sounds like an utter creep. Grim.

Well done. Don't feel bad. You saw it. And you got out.

Have some ice cream/wine/messy combination of both. But don't be sad. Celebrate your freedom.

You are amazing. You deserve an awesome partner too. Lots of unmumsnetty hugs

Oh well done.

If you are genuinely uncertain, I'd find a way to give him a test.
Ask him his opinion on something like a rape case or men watching porno in the workplace and listen to what he tells you about himself.

He's not going to be dumb enough to speak his mind, duh.

Men's words are meaningless anyways. Talk is cheap. You only need to pay attention to their actions.

💪

@fairaisle I’m glad that you all the hard work has paid off and you feel better about your appearance. I’m sure you will be more beautiful than you will see. Don’t let this idiot ruin your esteem in other ways. You’ve worked hard to feel how you do now don’t let him objectify you. Guys can really be so disgusting.