Should I pursue this or not? - midlife dilemma

[notsurewhat2do99]

Hi wise mumsnetters - I hope you can advise me.

I'm single, mid 50s, and was not looking for a relationship, but I met this man I thought was gorgeous at a weekend event and he had a big impact on me.

We talked all night, he was a similar age and said he was widowed. We seemed to have a lot in common. Except I thought such a good looking guy would have younger, better looking women than me pursuing him. I'm a stone overweight and past my best! I think he realised I fancied him (another bloke I got talking to briefly said it was obvious, lol).

When he went to the gents, his mate told me he was "a lovely bloke who had been through a tough time".

We all left the event late and he asked me if I wanted to go on somewhere for a drink and without thinking it through I agreed.

He lives in another city and was supposed to stay with his friends (an hour west of London), but they wanted to go home so he waved them goodbye. But on the way to get the last tube I realised the implications as I lived the same distance east of the city and I stupidly said, 'how will you get back... are you wanting to stay at my place?'

He said, 'It's up to you'. and I felt awkward. I said jokingly, 'I need to tell you that I'm not up for the horizontal folk dance, and I just don't want to waste your time'. (One-night stands aren't my thing.)

I asked how he would get back to his mates' and he said by taxi (which I knew would cost £££) but I said - ' maybe it's sensible to go back with them'. He said OK, "I'll see you again", there was a long, lingering look between us and he pecked me on the lips, twice, and turned and ran back to catch his pals.

He didn't ask for my number. The event we were at happens every couple of months and his friends are the organisers, and I had messaged them for info before the event.

My RL friend thinks I should "give him a nudge" by messaging the organiser to say how much I enjoyed the event, and that I really enjoyed meeting his friend, think he's a lovely guy and it's a shame we didn't exchange numbers. (That's it, nothing more.)

Would this be too forward or desperate? I am wondering if he has a partner in his home town, or didn't like me enough, or both.

Should I do as my friend suggests or forget him? I don't want to pursue someone not interested or attached. Thanks for reading if you got this far!

What have you got to lose ?
Go for it

I don't want to be hurtful or burst your bubble BUT it sounds like he was maybe after something casual and changed his mind about going to yours when you said it wouldn't be happening

Would he be able to contact you if he was interested? If so, leave it to him

Unless of course you are up for something casual

pinkolu - you aren't being hurtful at all, as that is what I suspect - that it was just sex on his mind.

He doesn't have any contact details for me other than through his friend on the events website, as my profile is on there, but shows no contact details.

I asked how he would get back to his mates' and he said by taxi (which I knew would cost £££) but I said - ' maybe it's sensible to go back with them'. He said OK, "I'll see you again", there was a long, lingering look between us and he pecked me on the lips, twice, and turned and ran back to catch his pals.

He didn't ask for my number.

So having just met you that night, he reckoned he's assume his way into your house & maybe your bed. When you didn't play ball, he said he'd see you again - knowing full well he doesn't have the means to contact you?

Doesn't sound like a decent & straightforward bloke does he?
Also - beware this - When he went to the gents, his mate told me he was "a lovely bloke who had been through a tough time".
When even his wingman knows he needs "selling" & is pre-excusing ... whatever ... by claiming he's had a tough time - why would you want to be the woman selected to be in the frame to deal with whatever issues that tough time has caused him?

Sorry OP, i wouldnt pursue it.

I feel that he liked you enough to have sex with after a few drinks, but not enough "to get to know you" if sex wasnt on the cards.

If he has a change of heart, he can contact the organiser of the event etc. In your shoes, I certainly wouldnt be contacting the organiser as a convoluted way of getting in touch with him. It does look desperate.

When even his wingman knows he needs "selling" & is pre-excusing ... whatever ... by claiming he's had a tough time - why would you want to be the woman selected to be in the frame to deal with whatever issues that tough time has caused him?

To be fair to this man, he’s been widowed young. That’s a tough time in anyone’s book.

OP, I wouldn’t pursue but would go to the next event to see if he’s there.

Don't make yourself too available.

He can get hold of you if he wants to!

Thank you ladies, for talking some sense into me.
I couldn't think clearly because he made a big impression on me and I had not felt that way in years. I think I must have been acting like a giddy schoolgirl. There is no fool like an old fool, right?

But your comments have convinced me and I feel liberated having decided now not to make any attempt at all to contact him.

Because I liked him so much I filtered out some things I should have taken more notice of. He took the mickey out of me at one point, which may have just been teasing.

Worse, and more confusing, was just before we left the event.

I went to the ladies and crossed his path as he was coming out of the gents. I smiled at him but he just stared at me, with a serious face.

I thought then, OK, maybe he changed his mind / doesn't like me after all or is short sighted and didn't realise it was me!
I was a bit surprised to see him waiting for me when I came back from the loos and then suggesting another drink somewhere else.

So strange behaviour I should have taken more heed of.

@KettrickenSmiled - your insight really helped to 'reset' my view of him.

Thank you ladies, for talking some sense into me.
I couldn't think clearly because he made a big impression on me and I had not felt that way in years. I think I must have been acting like a giddy schoolgirl. There is no fool like an old fool, right?
hey you were already showing plenty of sense OP.
You didn't fall for his manipulative attempt to worm his way into your home & bed, you enjoyed a flirtation, stopped it there, & took time to consider you next, if any, move.
I don't see any foolishness going on there.

@KettrickenSmiled - your insight really helped to 'reset' my view of him.
Ha ha ha - Grumpy Old Women - providing bad tempered advice since the dawn of time :)

If his friends organise the event would he be at the next one? Maybe you could go to that and see if he pays a bit more attention to you and asks for your number?
Things have never really worked out when I’ve chased for a number and been the first to make contact. I met my future husband at some after work drinks my friend was having, we got on great but he didn’t ask for my number. I didn’t ask my friend for it as previously done the chasing and it hadn’t worked out well. A few months later I saw him again at her birthday party and he did ask for my number and the rest is history. (I don’t know what he waited a couple of months for, but he is terrible texting/calling/keeping in touch with anyone in general)!

I’d leave it to Serendipity. If he gets in contact or you see him again and get on well then great!

thanks @KettrickenSmiled - and all the other PPs.
@lking679 - yes, leaving things to fate is a good idea. I'm glad it ended well for you. I don't expect the same result, but it is a good lesson about not pursuing men.

Exactly this. You've come across really well with good boundaries.

Told him you weren't into casual/ONS and stick to it. Didn't chase him or ask for his number. He'll be oblivious you've even given him a 2nd thought. He's the one that got turned down

Leave it as it is and if you bump into him again you can act all nonchalant and see how he is with you. You'll know if he's interested

I think, due to GDPR, his friend cannot give him your details from event information without your permission. I may be overthinking.
Go to next event definitely and keep us posted!!!

I think you did the right thing on the night. Wait and see what happens when your path cross again.

He should have said, "Of course I'm not expecting that. I'll go with my friends now, but can I have your number?"

He ran off as soon as he realised he wouldn't have sex. He's had plenty of chances to get hold of you since and hasn't, so keep your dignity and leave it there.

You’ve done the right thing, he knows how to contact you and he knows you liked him enough to be prepared to put him up for the night.

Actually I'll go against the grain here. If you like him, follow it up but with eyes wide open. What will you regret most, finding he's not interested or whether he may have been your next big love. Even if he was initially after a ONS, things change. I went out with someone for a bit of a pick me up and 10 years later we are happily together, with a merged family and living th dream lol.
It's easy to read into things or fill in the gaps of a narrative but no one here was witness to the interactions or knows him to give an insight. I just think sometimes it better to deal with the knowledge even if negative, to the what could be

I feel lucky to have you wise women. Thank you so much for your support.

Yes, I see your point, but on the other hand you could say that if it is meant to be, it will be. And that the guy knows how to contact me if he wants to.

I have some friends who have been happily married for 18 years. When they were just dating, the guy dumped my girl friend and she was pretty devastated.
I told her that if they were meant to be together, they would end up together. She said "that's a load of crap".

They were apart for about 3 years. I remind her of that story occasionally and we laugh about it.

But the friend can pass the guys details on to the OP if he asks. It's not impossible for him to get in contact!

Ha ha ha - Grumpy Old Women - providing bad tempered advice since the dawn of time :)Ha ha
Love this. It's me to a tee

Hi all, well, I haven't heard from the handsome guy I met, nor tried to contact him, but have had some other RL input.

My younger sister (a man magnet) thinks I should contact his friend/ the event organiser and give him my number to pass on to the guy, because I have nothing to lose.

She did this about ten years ago, with a guy she met at a social event. He got back to her but politely said he didn't want to pursue it.

I think that is very interesting. My sister could pull loads of guys but not this one.

And my friendly ex told me this guy most likely thought he would get an easy shag for the night - that "nice guys are just as partial to an easy shag" as not-nice ones - but when I made it clear that wouldn't happen, he didn't try to push it, or lie and say "I wouldn't do that" but then pressure me once at my place. So he said the guy at least reacted respectfully and that I should wait and see if I see him at a future event and see what happens.

He said if I were to try and contact him through his friend I would cheapen myself and I would go down in the guy's estimation.
Sometimes it's good to have a bloke's view of these things!

I'm happy though. It's woken me up to life! I'm going on a diet and planning more social events after 2-plus years of living like a hermit.

Hey ladies, I have an update. I logged on to the social website tonight in an idle moment and to my surprise saw that the gorgeous bloke I met a few weeks ago messaged me nearly a week ago! (I'm recovering from hand surgery hence the gap)

I can't believe it. Just when I had convinced myself he wasn't all that and not the last man on earth. You know, a bit of distance makes you look at it more rationally.....? I had thought, at my age I don't need that infatuation crap - it is so destabilising. And he lives in another part of the UK so what's the point?. A pal of mine recently fell for someone who was mucking him about right and left and I thought "Poor bugger, so glad that's not me," !!!!

Anyway, without wanting to be too outing he said something along the lines of:

Hi NotSure, How are things in (my borough)...?
Been invited to the city for the next event next week. Are you going? Would be nice to know there's a lovely friendly person there to listen to my crap! Hope so.
Hunky guy (not his real name, lol)

Intriguing. And exciting. (I know, I full of shit with my - eh, I don't want those yucky destabilising emotions - routine).So given it's nearly a week ago, what do you reckon?

Reply and just say looking forward to seeing you again. Good luck :)

So glad you didn’t contact him first . He could still be lining up a shag for when he is at the next event , but you do what you want to do . He might be crap in bed so see what happens.