Should I pursue this or not? - midlife dilemma

[notsurewhat2do99]

Hi wise mumsnetters - I hope you can advise me.

I'm single, mid 50s, and was not looking for a relationship, but I met this man I thought was gorgeous at a weekend event and he had a big impact on me.

We talked all night, he was a similar age and said he was widowed. We seemed to have a lot in common. Except I thought such a good looking guy would have younger, better looking women than me pursuing him. I'm a stone overweight and past my best! I think he realised I fancied him (another bloke I got talking to briefly said it was obvious, lol).

When he went to the gents, his mate told me he was "a lovely bloke who had been through a tough time".

We all left the event late and he asked me if I wanted to go on somewhere for a drink and without thinking it through I agreed.

He lives in another city and was supposed to stay with his friends (an hour west of London), but they wanted to go home so he waved them goodbye. But on the way to get the last tube I realised the implications as I lived the same distance east of the city and I stupidly said, 'how will you get back... are you wanting to stay at my place?'

He said, 'It's up to you'. and I felt awkward. I said jokingly, 'I need to tell you that I'm not up for the horizontal folk dance, and I just don't want to waste your time'. (One-night stands aren't my thing.)

I asked how he would get back to his mates' and he said by taxi (which I knew would cost £££) but I said - ' maybe it's sensible to go back with them'. He said OK, "I'll see you again", there was a long, lingering look between us and he pecked me on the lips, twice, and turned and ran back to catch his pals.

He didn't ask for my number. The event we were at happens every couple of months and his friends are the organisers, and I had messaged them for info before the event.

My RL friend thinks I should "give him a nudge" by messaging the organiser to say how much I enjoyed the event, and that I really enjoyed meeting his friend, think he's a lovely guy and it's a shame we didn't exchange numbers. (That's it, nothing more.)

Would this be too forward or desperate? I am wondering if he has a partner in his home town, or didn't like me enough, or both.

Should I do as my friend suggests or forget him? I don't want to pursue someone not interested or attached. Thanks for reading if you got this far!

He will be disappointed then if he is expecting sex. I like to get to know someone first before that happens.

I like your style 💐

Go for it!

I would forget about it until the next event.

Aw, so pleased for you @notsurewhat2do99 - this looks very positive!

I think you should pursue it, why not? I don't think he was particularly after sex - although he may well have been up for it if you offered! That's fine in my opinion (two consenting adults and all that). It was YOU who suggested he come back to yours and he probably thought "Great!". Then as soon as you said "Maybe you should go with your mates" he accepted that. I would have been put off if he tried to persuade you to let him stay, but he immediately respected what you said and kissed you good night. Sounds like you like each other so why not meet up and see if it develops?

Thanks guys, I'm going to the event and feeling a wee bit nervous now. Hopefully I won't act like a giddy schoolgirl this time!

Well I think this all sounds very positive and encouraging ! Report back, won’t you ? How lovely to have ‘those’ butterflies again 🦋

I will report back @JoanCandy . My RL best pals are excited too and eagerly awaiting an update!

please tell me you didn’t actually refer to sex as ‘the horizontal folk dance’ in real life?

I'm afraid I did @ididntchoosethat - but with a hint of humour..... I hope!

🤦🏾‍♀️ I’m surprised you heard from him again!

@notsurewhat2do99 great updates Op.
Did you reply to his message?
Glad to hear you’re going to the next event. Yes, do please update us again!
(BTW - horizontal folk dance made me laugh! And he clearly didn’t object either)

So I went to the event .... and he wasn't there!! I saw his friend, the organiser, who told me that "R" decided not to attend because of other things he had on.

He said R has "this girlfriend who he hasn't seen for months but who is back on the scene after she contacted him with some problem or other, dominates him and it's a toxic relationship." Apparently.

But P was "well impressed" with me, his friend said.

So impressed he wasn't there, lol. Admittedly I didn't see P's message to me for nearly a week and responded only two days before the event. He saw it (because the site tells you when the person was last active) but didn't reply.

I got talking to another bloke at the event who was really interesting, although I didn't fancy him. He had other ideas and after we'd been talking a while he actually told me he'd like to go to have sex with me. I laughed it off but was in shock and don't know why I didn't tell him to get lost, but I didn't know anyone else at the event so carried on talking to him. He kept putting his hand on my arm and insisted on leaving the event with me, with his hand on the small of my back. R's friend saw all of this, much to my regret.

the only saving grace is that, outside, no one saw this bloke try to snog me, but I leapt away from him. He had to rush off and asked me to call him as I wouldn't give him my number. But I won't. Ever.

Why aren't I more assertive. What should I do or say when someone makes an explicit comment or paws at me?
I hate confrontation but there are limits, right?

So my RL pal thinks I should message R and say 'shame you didn't make it, I got talking to a guy I couldn't get away from, lol" - etc, in case his friend tells him what he saw. But I haven't done anything.

If there is some on-off girlfriend / alleged toxic relationship going on then I am better off leaving well alone, I think. I don't want to do the "pick me" dance.

Bad edit. He said he would like to have sex with me.

The groper guy not the hot guy!

I am no relationship expert but imo you're overthinking it. If this bloke wanted your number/email he would make sure he got it. Why are you worrying about what his friend may have seen? If a bloke fancies you - you'll know. Same as if he doesn't. Maybe he does fancy you but just can't be arsed! Don't chase anyone!

I'd leave the R guy alone, he doesn't sound a great bet if he's got this on-off toxic relationship.

Could. Not. Be. Arsed.

Maybe do some practice on your assertiveness - what you'd like to do better, how you'd have liked to have dealt with the grabby guy, and be more prepared for it next time?

At least you're getting yourself out there and meeting some men. The right one will hopefully show up.

You're right that you need to work on your assertiveness skills OP.

I laughed it off but was in shock and don't know why I didn't tell him to get lost, but I didn't know anyone else at the event so carried on talking to him. He kept putting his hand on my arm and insisted on leaving the event with me, with his hand on the small of my back. R's friend saw all of this, much to my regret.

It's totally understandable that you were initially too shocked to respond to his bald & charmless pick up attempt.
But - you then carried on talking to him! Allowed him to keep touching you! And allowed him to leave with you! - this is madness.
It's not easy initially - but assertive behaviour is very simple.
"No I don't want to have sex with you - go away."
"Stop touching me. Also - why have you not gone away like I asked you to?"
"Stop following me. I do not want you near me. You are making me uncomfortable, I do not want to leave the event with you, & I will find a memeber of staff to remove you if you continue harrassing me."

But you are more consumed with the fact that R's friend saw your interactions with this sleazy man than you are about your own personal autonomy!

Please take the next bit as Tough Love OP because it is genuinely kindly meant - but I think you are not ready for a relationship.
You overthink, you are placing your value in the hands of how you believe men perceive you, & your boundaries are not strong enough.
Maybe stop obsessing over a man who is - apparently - already enmeshed in a toxic relationship that even if he escapes, he will need months if not years to process.
Instead, get in better touch with yourself.
Do The Freedom Programme, take an assertiveness course, start getting a better sense of self-worth & you won't need male approval to make you feel whole - you'll be complete in yourself, & any romance on top of that will be a joy & a bonus - not this exhausting round of overthinking.

www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Keep your standards up sweetie. You are absolutely worth it.
If a good man wants you, he will let you know (or respond without ambiguity to your overtures) and arrange a proper date.
No game playing, no 'he said, she said', no unwanted groping.
There are plenty of decent men and women out there. Well done for spending time working on yourself, but do it for you x

KettrickenSmiled speaks sense. This guy has baggage, has had a tough time, is in a toxic relationship. He doesn't sound like HE has good boundaries either!

Great to get out there, have some fun, and not worry about the tossers.

I would like to know what regular activity enables you to meet hot men! Everything I have joined since my DH died is all women. Made some great friends but not a sniff of a hot man.

@1980sfookup you are right. Men go after what they want and it is clear when they are interested!. Just because I have a silly crush on someone doesn't mean to say my feelings are reciprocated. It is crystal clear to me now that I need to forget this guy.

@category12eYes, I've decided to leave toxic relationship guy alone, since writing my post. Writing it all out clears my mind and helps me to think about it more rationally.

As for grabby guy, I'm going to TRY to put Kettricken's advice into practice, though it won't be easy for me as place more importance on others' feelings than my own. Crazy to write that out and realise it is true. I have a book somewhere about assertiveness that I must dig out and re-read.

@KettrickenSmiled Hi, I've been thinking a lot about what you said previously and joining the dots up.

<<<<<this is madness.........You are more consumed with the fact that R's friend saw your interactions with this sleazy man than you are about your own personal autonomy!>>>> Yes! How sad. And crazy when I see it written down in black and white.

Yes, I overthink, I have an anxiety issue and my boundaries are not strong enough.

I'm not sure I was placing my value in the hands of how men alone perceive me. I think it's not just men but everyone - I am a people pleaser. I put others' feelings and comfort (men and women) above my own. I'm overly sensitive and terrified of offending. An all round big ninny, really. With low self-esteem.

I will have a look at those links you posted, which I really appreciate, thanks @KettrickenSmiled !

@HyggeandTea and @Eddielizzard
Thank you, I will try to keep working on myself and remain hopeful that a good man will come along when I'm better prepared (psychologically etc) for a relationship.

@Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight
I joined a Friends meet up group to - genuinely - make new friends as my social circle has shrunk since the pandemic. Someone lovely I did get talking to last night was another woman. I told her I'd joined the group to actually make new friends but the only people I'd met was men. She said "same here" and we laughed. One of life's little ironies.

Yes, I overthink, I have an anxiety issue and my boundaries are not strong enough.

This is all fixable OP.
You having awareness of it is a large part of the battle already won.

I suspect you would find CBT really helpful

Hi OP thank you for reading my comment. I didn't say but should have - that I am a MASSIVE overthinker. I am also similar in age and have been single for four years now. I always seem to be concerned with what other people are thinking when really all that matters is what I think - and that's because I can only control my thoughts not anyone elses. I have learned however during my alone time is that the most important thing that matters is what I think - no one else. I work, I have grandkids to see, pets to look after and a swim/gym membership to look after my physical health. I am the most important person in my life - there is room for someone else - mind games not included.