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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner never wants to dance with me...

87 replies

extrapineappleonmypizza · 23/10/2022 14:58

As the title says really...

I don't go out very often, but on the rare occasion that we're out together (Christmas Party, someone's wedding, a concert/gig, few drinks in town, being on holiday) he absolutely refuses to dance with me.
Over the years, it's really started to get me down and I'll admit that after a few drinks, I can get quite down about it and just want to go home.

We just sit at the side or stand at the bar while everyone else is having a good time together.
Obviously, I'll dance by myself most of the time, but there are some songs/parts of the evening when it's supposed to be 'dancing with someone'.

On holiday, where we don't know anyone else, we just sit and watch from the sidelines. I dread it.

I'm actually considering asking someone else if they'll be my dance partner!

Is it just me?

OP posts:
FamilyTreeBuilder · 23/10/2022 16:36

I'm also a non-dancer. There is nothing worse than someone wheedling and coooooome oooooon, you'd enjoy it if you just tried.... it's soooooo much fun.

Awful.

bonzaitree · 23/10/2022 16:37

Well, he asks me to do a bunch of shit I don't want to do and it usually lasts much longer than the length of a song!

You're entitled to say "no" to this stuff.

Why don't you feel like you can say "no" when he clearly does?

Usernamesarenoteasy · 23/10/2022 16:44

I hate dancing and I won't dance. And it really annoys me when people keep nagging at me to dance because it's 'only 5 minutes' or 'no one cares what you look like'
I don't want to dance. Not for 5 minutes, not for 5 seconds. I don't care what other people think, that's not the problem. I just find it excruciatingly uncomfortable.
Not something I could compromise on.

You are free to say no if he suggests something you don't want to do.

IntentionalError · 23/10/2022 16:44

My DP is exactly the same. He does not dance. Full stop. We all have our quirks, and I have plenty of my own, so I accept that this is who he is and don’t make an issue of it. In fairness, I’m not a big dancer either.

OP, if your partner refusing to dance is the biggest issue you have in your relationship, lucky you.

FuckingHell123 · 23/10/2022 16:47

I absolutely HATE dancing. That draining moment when a pissed up friend grabs your arm and pulls you towards the speakers. NO!

Maray1967 · 23/10/2022 18:08

I was once the only woman in the room whose DH wouldn’t dance. The event was organised by in-laws. It was embarrassing and if I could have left - if it had been in a hotel where we staying - I would have done. I told him after that that I will go to no more dos like that if he won’t make the effort. He used to years ago so he can’t say he’s never done it.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 23/10/2022 18:56

Cultural expectations op? IME it's extremely rare for straight white English men to dance.

How many events are you going to that include dancing? Are these family parties or something?

layladomino · 23/10/2022 19:34

He hates dancing. Why would you want to make him do something he hates doing? He isn't stopping you. There's always someone else to dance with if you want to. That way, you're both happy.

SparklingLime · 23/10/2022 20:26

Most people are talking about hating actual dancing, solo, shaking their stuff. All OP wants, I think, is a Cuddle on the Dancefloor. Really not much to ask, if her DP is happy being in a social situation and holding her close.

Goldunicorn · 23/10/2022 20:36

Surely this is a "pick your battles" kind of scenario ....

If dancing is your one big love, and he refuses to show even a morsel of interest, then yes he could probably put a bit of effort it.
If dancing is his idea of complete & utter hell, and he'd rather pull his own teeth out with a fork, then no fair enough he doesn't participate.

if this has nothing to do with dancing, and dancing is just a metaphor about life and how much effort each of you puts into life / your relationship, then talk to him but don't have a go about dancing or the random stuff he "makes" you do.

BlackKittyMama · 23/10/2022 20:42

Have you considered that it may bother him that you’re always pestering him to dance, when he doesn’t want to? It’s really not a big deal. If that’s your biggest hang-up, you’re doing quite well to be honest! Maybe do more of these things with friends who also enjoy dancing, then you won’t be so bothered about standing on the sidelines when it’s just the two of you.

Kite22 · 23/10/2022 20:43

How would you feel if he said "hey, just come and be on our football team this Sunday. Don't worry about the fact that you haven't kicked a ball since you were five, just do your best and have fun...."

@beonmywaythen , I think this ^ is a good comparison.

I do 'get it' OP. My dh doesn't dance either, and it would be nice if he did, but why would I want him to do something that is so far out of his comfort zone? He wouldn't make me do something really far out of mine.

Ekátn · 23/10/2022 20:53

I don’t dance. I absolutely hate when people try and force you to.

Tbh, if he makes you do a ‘bunch of shit’ you don’t like and this is such a big deal, I am not sure why you are still planning on marrying him

AnyFucker · 23/10/2022 20:56

This is me

I hate “couples dancing”

I will set the dance floor on fire to 70’s soul/funk/ disco with my friends

But shuffling round with my husband who has 2 left feet ? No.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/10/2022 21:05

I get it. Did he ever dance? Is this new or has he always been this way?

As others have said, whatever it is that you feel obliged/coerced to do for him, stop it.

BigFatLiar · 23/10/2022 21:07

Neither of us are keen dancers but will get up and dance together at weddings etc. Prior to getting married we had a few lessons on basic dances (waltz, foxtrot etc) not that you get to actuslly do them at a function but it gave us a bit of confidence. Usually it's the shuffle around the floor holding each other.

User15432 · 23/10/2022 21:13

I am a non dancer and I will be brutally honest, I find dancing in public to be a very cringe thing to do.

I honestly look at people who are dancing and think ‘what the hell are you doing’? It looks so odd to me.

I can appreciate talented dancing, such as ball room, modern etc but just dancing at a venue- no. It looks like a load of people jiggling about pretending to be happy and full of ‘vibes’ but to me they just look like silly pretenders

Obviously I know some people enjoy dancing and are not pretending but that is my take on it so if somebody was to ask me to dance I would actually find them a bit cringe.

I do however, dance like a lunatic to the wiggles with my two year old. We both know we look like idiots and nobody else is watching and we don’t have to pretend to have fun because the joy on his little face is fun enough- he is two though.

BigFatLiar · 23/10/2022 21:24

I do however, dance like a lunatic to the wiggles with my two year old.

DH is dreadful but we went to a 'do' with the girls, lots their friends there, they were being very grown up with their friends. When the dancing was on he brought in a pair of slippers and a cardi from the car and proceeded to 'dad dance' with them. After an initial embarrassment they all had a good laugh.

tropicbloom · 23/10/2022 21:50

User15432 · 23/10/2022 21:13

I am a non dancer and I will be brutally honest, I find dancing in public to be a very cringe thing to do.

I honestly look at people who are dancing and think ‘what the hell are you doing’? It looks so odd to me.

I can appreciate talented dancing, such as ball room, modern etc but just dancing at a venue- no. It looks like a load of people jiggling about pretending to be happy and full of ‘vibes’ but to me they just look like silly pretenders

Obviously I know some people enjoy dancing and are not pretending but that is my take on it so if somebody was to ask me to dance I would actually find them a bit cringe.

I do however, dance like a lunatic to the wiggles with my two year old. We both know we look like idiots and nobody else is watching and we don’t have to pretend to have fun because the joy on his little face is fun enough- he is two though.

I don't get it, why are the people dancing to music at a venue "silly pretenders" and odd but you dancing at home isn't.. people generally like to move to music.

User15432 · 23/10/2022 22:04

Really not sure why I hold these opinions. I just find dancing at social events very cliché .

I honestly don’t expect other people to feel the same about dancing as I do.I was just trying to highlight in response to OP’s post, how utterly horrible I would find being repeatedly asked to dance with such opinions.

I don’t mind dancing with my 2 year old because we’r just being silly. if I saw people dancing at a social event being deliberately ‘silly’ I wouldn’t find it cringe, more entertaining.

User15432 · 23/10/2022 22:04

@tropicbloom

Largethighsbadeyes · 23/10/2022 22:08

My dad would never dance with my mum.

They were happily married for 40 years.

Dance with other people. It's a non issue

Tsort · 23/10/2022 22:25

extrapineappleonmypizza · 23/10/2022 15:31

Well, he asks me to do a bunch of shit I don't want to do and it usually lasts much longer than the length of a song!

Show quote history

Such as?

Rolypolyup · 23/10/2022 22:26

I've got to the point where I just dance with someone else 🤷‍♀️

Enre · 28/10/2023 01:43

Oh god i know how you feel, came here searching if im the only one feelinf this..
my partner will dance to electronic music and all in parties frstivals but and even tough im not a fan of this music i go and enjoy myslef , but i never get it in return, i beg him to go latin dancing with me (hes brazilian) and he never does … and wven at home i ask him to dance in our own privecy and he ether ignores me or makes a fool our of me and thats it… not sure how to deal wit it or react to it, i was a dancer before and i adore dancing, when i tell him i want to go back dancinf and with a partner he gets all iffy and complains but wont dance with me even tough he know how to …
dont know what to do it makes me angry and sad at the same time….