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Original poster

Scared he'll ruin my only chance of this.

63 replies

tiredofex · 23/10/2022 11:02

Got offered this unbelievable, amazing job in a sector I have only just recently trained in. This job could take my career to new heights, I could save a significant amount and be life-changing for my son who would be coming with me. The job is in Hong Kong. I love the city and have been many times. I'm confident my son would adjust as it's a very expat city with plenty to do and see.

So, what's the problem I hear you ask?! - My ex! He has also applied for a role with this company. We both actually applied together and at the time of being together the company knew this, and very much supported it. We've since broken up (very long story) but the bottom line is I will never get back with him. Never. Ever. I have made this as plain as day to him. I feel so much stronger since we've parted. We still speak everyday on the phone, but he is extremely clingy and I think he is using my son as a way of trying to manipulate me. I really don't want to see him, or at least try my best to eliminate the contact with him now (I know speaking on the phone everyday does not help, but it's been mainly about the job). He has told me that if I don't take the job, he won't either. In the past, he has been abusive, possessive and just not a very nice person.

The truth is though, he helped me secure this job. The application process was tough, and I had to go through several interviews and showcase my skills. He has a ton more experience that I do, and without his help, I know I wouldn't have got it. I am seriously thinking I am not up to it , need to stay in my lane (in a job that is dead-end, not going anywhere and just damn right boring) but it means I can cut him off completely, pay the bills and wait until something else comes up. Although, if I decline this job now, I wouldn't move. My son needs to be stable in his education so, I would need to wait until he is at least 16 and stay put for the time-being.

So WWYD? Take the job, try and stay out of the way of my ex (although that will be challenging as similar department) or completely cut him off, stay where I am and stay rebuilding my life?

OP posts:
YoSofi · 23/10/2022 11:04

Take the job.

Mealoftheday · 23/10/2022 11:08

Take the job !

hunkydory2022 · 23/10/2022 11:10

Take the job. HK was a great experience for my kids, although a graveyard for marriages. So, if you are going over there single, expect to probably stay single.... but there are so many other things to enjoy.
HK will open up a whole new life for you. Take the risk.

caramac04 · 23/10/2022 11:11

Take the job

dontputitthere · 23/10/2022 11:12

Take it.

Has he actually been offered a job too? Does the company know you've since split up?

Hong Kong's an amazing place.

I would cut down on the daily chats though. I think that's blurring the lines. Does he know you will absolutely not get back together?

Original poster
tiredofex · 23/10/2022 11:16

dontputitthere · 23/10/2022 11:12

Take it.

Has he actually been offered a job too? Does the company know you've since split up?

Hong Kong's an amazing place.

I would cut down on the daily chats though. I think that's blurring the lines. Does he know you will absolutely not get back together?

Yes, he's been offered a job too. It would be impossible for me not to see him.

The company does not know yet, but will inform them. He was reluctant to do so. I know (without being arrogant) he would get back with me if I wanted it.

I have told him there is no chance, but in his eyes he still thinks there is a chance, and is holding out hope.

I don't want my son to see him either. He has mentioned that he feels less anxious now that it is just the two of us. I need to protect him at all costs.

OP posts:
Lieslies · 23/10/2022 11:21

Why don't you want your son to see him?

On the surface, it doesn't seem that this man has done anything wrong. You can both take the jobs, co-parent your child, but otherwise have separate lives in HK. Working together is a bit awkward, but it sounds like a great opportunity for you.

If you now don't want the job, I don't think it's unreasonable for him to also decline so that he can stay in the same country as his child.

FluffyPJs · 23/10/2022 11:22

Is he your sons father?

Original poster
tiredofex · 23/10/2022 11:25

FluffyPJs · 23/10/2022 11:22

Is he your sons father?

Not biological no. He wants to adopt him though, but ex has treated him badly in the last year. My son is scared/anxious of him, but it's fine when they speak on the phone now and again.

OP posts:
dontputitthere · 23/10/2022 11:25

Yeah i got the impression he's not the sons father?

I would be upfront with the company though. I imagine he hopes you'll get back together so there's no need to tell them.

But I would be pissed if I went to the expense of hiring two people, shipping them over and then discovering there's tension.

Be professional. You're just informing them as a matter of courtesy and you can still work with ex in a professional context (if true!)

But what's the accommodation situation? Are they finding you accommodation to start with? Do you get a choice of where?

Original poster
tiredofex · 23/10/2022 11:27

Lieslies · 23/10/2022 11:21

Why don't you want your son to see him?

On the surface, it doesn't seem that this man has done anything wrong. You can both take the jobs, co-parent your child, but otherwise have separate lives in HK. Working together is a bit awkward, but it sounds like a great opportunity for you.

If you now don't want the job, I don't think it's unreasonable for him to also decline so that he can stay in the same country as his child.

I haven't mentioned half of what ex has done on here as it's a long story and I'm so exhausted with it tbh. We have remained amicable, and on good terms because we understand each other and want the same things in life.

I know the signs of his behaviour now though and they do wear down on me. Although if I took this job, I would be my own person and do my own thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredofex · 23/10/2022 11:30

dontputitthere · 23/10/2022 11:25

Yeah i got the impression he's not the sons father?

I would be upfront with the company though. I imagine he hopes you'll get back together so there's no need to tell them.

But I would be pissed if I went to the expense of hiring two people, shipping them over and then discovering there's tension.

Be professional. You're just informing them as a matter of courtesy and you can still work with ex in a professional context (if true!)

But what's the accommodation situation? Are they finding you accommodation to start with? Do you get a choice of where?

There is a monthly accommodation allowance which will be given. The company will need to be informed because it means they will have to pay out for two allowances (perhaps that's why my ex is reluctant to tell them also). Hiring a family actually saves the company a lot of money.

OP posts:
dontputitthere · 23/10/2022 11:36

Ah okay. Yeah you need to tell them asap.

How involved is your work with his? Realistically how often would you come into contact professionally.

I'm sorry if I'm wrong. But I'm getting a sense of this guy being real trouble. Do you think he could cause trouble for you at work too?

How old is your son? You're right in that I think he'll settle well out there. I have friends whose two kids loved it there.

LittleOwl153 · 23/10/2022 11:36

I would still go if you can. Your son is not your partners so assuming his father is OK with that then why wouldn't you given the opportunity.

I think you need to speak to the company ASAP though as they may choose not to employ you (either of you?) if you are not 1 family for relocation purposes. Separate your applications and see where that takes you. If they didn't think you were up to it and only taking you because of him then they will withdraw. If they don't go for it! See it as your new life. Make it VERY clear to him that your joint life is over - stop speaking to him. You don't share children, do you currently share assets? Get it done before you leave - and have a great life!

billy1966 · 23/10/2022 11:45

So your ex was abusive towards YOUR child.

You put your child first.

Keep this awful man away from your child.

Your poor son.

Do what is best for your child.

SunflowerGirl91 · 23/10/2022 11:47

I don’t see what the problem here is OP

this man is not your sons father and so I’m assuming is not on the birth certificate? You claim he’s abusive, manipulative and has abused your son to the point where he feels anxious, but you allow him contact with your son, he has him alone and you talk to this man every day?

why?

if he was that bad why would you do all of that?

I don’t get why you’re making an issue of all this unless I’ve missed something somewhere. Just take the job and move to HK. You do not need to be In contact with this man outside of work….. so don’t? I certainly don’t get why you let him see your son?

it sounds as if you like him around but don’t want a relationship with him. This is drama that doesn’t need to be drama

LuckyLil · 23/10/2022 11:48

If he's not your so s father then go. You'll regret it if you don't.

Original poster
tiredofex · 23/10/2022 11:52

dontputitthere · 23/10/2022 11:36

Ah okay. Yeah you need to tell them asap.

How involved is your work with his? Realistically how often would you come into contact professionally.

I'm sorry if I'm wrong. But I'm getting a sense of this guy being real trouble. Do you think he could cause trouble for you at work too?

How old is your son? You're right in that I think he'll settle well out there. I have friends whose two kids loved it there.

I would see him around...but not too much. My son would see him however, but in a professional capacity. (He is 12).

He could make things very tricky for me if I don't speak, or engage with him. He suffers badly with depression and I know he's in a dark place. He could use threats against me (again) and it's a real worry. He's got 'stuff' on me that I've done in my past, and could use against me. Realistically, doubt he would but it's always a worry.

If I had the choice, I would never see him again. Feeling so good being out of the relationship. I want to move on eventually, but know he would never handle me being with anybody else.

This job means a lot to me, but I can't be walking on eggshells either. 😕

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredofex · 23/10/2022 12:01

SunflowerGirl91 · 23/10/2022 11:47

I don’t see what the problem here is OP

this man is not your sons father and so I’m assuming is not on the birth certificate? You claim he’s abusive, manipulative and has abused your son to the point where he feels anxious, but you allow him contact with your son, he has him alone and you talk to this man every day?

why?

if he was that bad why would you do all of that?

I don’t get why you’re making an issue of all this unless I’ve missed something somewhere. Just take the job and move to HK. You do not need to be In contact with this man outside of work….. so don’t? I certainly don’t get why you let him see your son?

it sounds as if you like him around but don’t want a relationship with him. This is drama that doesn’t need to be drama

It's not as simple as that.

My son would see him, and be in contact with him through work. Obviously, it would all be in a professional environment and he is very nice when he speaks to my son (which hasn't been too much lately because I've keep them apart) but they do get on very well on the occasions they do speak.

Realistically, I don't think I can take this job because of this contact they would be having. I want a better life for my son, and give him the best and this job could do that. BUT I'm in a shitty situation because I know it's not as simple as perhaps I've first made it out to be and want to protect my son and his feelings.

The more I write this down, the more I know it's a bad idea...

OP posts:
SpringSparrow · 23/10/2022 12:04

Honestly it would be a big no from me. You’d be moving to a new country where he would be a known face. If he isn’t your son’s biological father and he’s abusive to both of you why would you move to a different country with him?! It doesn’t make sense that you are talking to him every day either. I bet he is thinking once you are in Hong Kong you will all be a family unit again.

MMmomDD · 23/10/2022 12:04

For starters - don’t make important life decisions based on your ex and his location.
If this is the dream job that you worked hard to get - there is really no question. Do what is right for yourself and your son.

I’d accept the job first before letting the company know about changes in your personal life. Also - I’d stop communicating so much with the ex. It makes it harder for the both of you to move on.

And Btw - If you both do end up in HK - he’ll quickly move on. Male expats are popular with local girls. So - I’d not overthink that aspect. He can chose his own career path. You just chose yours

bamboleo · 23/10/2022 12:04

Do you mean he'd be your son's teacher? Sorry OP, I think it's a really bad idea. I'd be doing anything I could to keep my child away from an unrelated adult that distresses him as you've outlined above. The job isn't worth this, get the ex out of your lives.

Tsort · 23/10/2022 12:08

So:

  • This man treated you poorly. He has been abusive, possessive and just not a very nice person
  • You are apparently trying to eliminate all contact.
  • Yet you speak to to him daily on the phone.
  • He treated your son (who isn’t his DS) poorly).
  • Yet you are continuing to allow him contact to your son.

This is such an odd post.

dontputitthere · 23/10/2022 12:09

Oh okay. So your son will have contact with him? And he's already afraid of him.

That changes everything massively.

I would be totally upfront with the employer. Is there any way your son can not be in contact with him?

If not I would turn the job down. To isolate yourself with your ex who has already abused your son is not going to end well.

By the way he doesn't sound depressed. He sounds manipulative. Blackmailing doesn't tend to be high up on the list for people suffering from depression.

Original poster
tiredofex · 23/10/2022 12:10

SpringSparrow · 23/10/2022 12:04

Honestly it would be a big no from me. You’d be moving to a new country where he would be a known face. If he isn’t your son’s biological father and he’s abusive to both of you why would you move to a different country with him?! It doesn’t make sense that you are talking to him every day either. I bet he is thinking once you are in Hong Kong you will all be a family unit again.

That's a good point. I would want to be seen as an individual though and tell the company we have separated, but it's still the factor of him being there and my son seeing him (not much, but enough).

It's just a fantastic job and it's so tempting...I know things like this don't come around very often either but my son comes first. Every single time. So, my head is telling me to cut off all ties with ex and forgot all about the job.

OP posts:
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