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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scared he'll ruin my only chance of this.

63 replies

tiredofex · 23/10/2022 11:02

Got offered this unbelievable, amazing job in a sector I have only just recently trained in. This job could take my career to new heights, I could save a significant amount and be life-changing for my son who would be coming with me. The job is in Hong Kong. I love the city and have been many times. I'm confident my son would adjust as it's a very expat city with plenty to do and see.

So, what's the problem I hear you ask?! - My ex! He has also applied for a role with this company. We both actually applied together and at the time of being together the company knew this, and very much supported it. We've since broken up (very long story) but the bottom line is I will never get back with him. Never. Ever. I have made this as plain as day to him. I feel so much stronger since we've parted. We still speak everyday on the phone, but he is extremely clingy and I think he is using my son as a way of trying to manipulate me. I really don't want to see him, or at least try my best to eliminate the contact with him now (I know speaking on the phone everyday does not help, but it's been mainly about the job). He has told me that if I don't take the job, he won't either. In the past, he has been abusive, possessive and just not a very nice person.

The truth is though, he helped me secure this job. The application process was tough, and I had to go through several interviews and showcase my skills. He has a ton more experience that I do, and without his help, I know I wouldn't have got it. I am seriously thinking I am not up to it , need to stay in my lane (in a job that is dead-end, not going anywhere and just damn right boring) but it means I can cut him off completely, pay the bills and wait until something else comes up. Although, if I decline this job now, I wouldn't move. My son needs to be stable in his education so, I would need to wait until he is at least 16 and stay put for the time-being.

So WWYD? Take the job, try and stay out of the way of my ex (although that will be challenging as similar department) or completely cut him off, stay where I am and stay rebuilding my life?

OP posts:
SpringSparrow · 23/10/2022 12:13

Also if it’s something like a boarding school, they can be quite claustrophobic bubbles where people live and breathe the job and due to hours worked it’s hard to make a life independent from the job.

MzHz · 23/10/2022 12:13

tiredofex · 23/10/2022 11:25

Not biological no. He wants to adopt him though, but ex has treated him badly in the last year. My son is scared/anxious of him, but it's fine when they speak on the phone now and again.

Show quote history

If this is real, Wtaf are you doing?

take the job, don’t tell him, let him deal with his life and you deal with yours. Stop him having access to you and if he causes trouble in your new role, report him to HR and ask them for help. Sooner the better as you’ll need to get in there to destabilise any attempts to ruin your reputation

MzHz · 23/10/2022 12:13

And he’s not going to adopt your child, who HATES HIM

protect your child ffs.

Original poster
tiredofex · 23/10/2022 12:14

bamboleo · 23/10/2022 12:04

Do you mean he'd be your son's teacher? Sorry OP, I think it's a really bad idea. I'd be doing anything I could to keep my child away from an unrelated adult that distresses him as you've outlined above. The job isn't worth this, get the ex out of your lives.

Yes, you are right. It's just heartbreaking because without him in the picture, I could have given my son a fantastic life.

OP posts:
Tsort · 23/10/2022 12:15

tiredofex · 23/10/2022 12:14

Yes, you are right. It's just heartbreaking because without him in the picture, I could have given my son a fantastic life.

Show quote history

The reason he’s still in the picture is you.

CliffsofMohair · 23/10/2022 12:15

There are other overseas schools though! You don’t have to go to HK

MzHz · 23/10/2022 12:16

Confirm today that you’re intending on taking the job, but that you have broken up (not separated, it’s OVER) so you’ll need to (a) keep all details of your contract/hire/location confidential and (b) ex ales his own arrangements

HundredMilesAnHour · 23/10/2022 12:16

Assume this job is teaching?

Lots of expats, including long term ones, have left HK in recent years due to the influence of the mainland Chinese government. It's not the place it used to be, especially for expats. And visiting there is VERY different to living and working there permanently. That's without the complications of this man PLUS taking on a job which it sounds like you might not really have the experience for. And your son haven't to settle into a new culture too. HK can be brutal on even the most resilient people. I know. I used to live and work there.

You need to get some advice and support from some of the HK expat forums. There will be teachers on there who can help you with targeted advice. Do the due diligence on this actual potential move rather than just focussing on the impact of this failed relationship.

girlmom21 · 23/10/2022 12:18

He has told me that if I don't take the job, he won't either.

So tell him you're not taking it, then go and block him on everything

bamboleo · 23/10/2022 12:25

I'd do the opposite - tell him you're taking it, and let him move to HK. Then you can focus on finding a different job. There are plenty of expat teaching opportunities OP, it won't be just this one. Hope you find something even better and enjoy your lives free from this manipulative man.

Alcemeg · 23/10/2022 12:27

Take this as a learning experience, OP, you found out a lot about the application process so you are well positioned to look for something on your own terms when the time is right.

girlmom21 · 23/10/2022 12:28

bamboleo · 23/10/2022 12:25

I'd do the opposite - tell him you're taking it, and let him move to HK. Then you can focus on finding a different job. There are plenty of expat teaching opportunities OP, it won't be just this one. Hope you find something even better and enjoy your lives free from this manipulative man.

Actually yeah this is probably the better idea. Much harder for him to tar your reputation if he doesn't know your next move.

AuntieEntity · 23/10/2022 12:29

Tsort · 23/10/2022 12:08

So:

  • This man treated you poorly. He has been abusive, possessive and just not a very nice person
  • You are apparently trying to eliminate all contact.
  • Yet you speak to to him daily on the phone.
  • He treated your son (who isn’t his DS) poorly).
  • Yet you are continuing to allow him contact to your son.

This is such an odd post.

Yeah, the daily contact thing is the bit that made me 🤔

MsMcGonagall · 23/10/2022 12:30

Sorry OP but no, you have broken up with him, that was the right decision, and your son never needs to see or speak to him again.

You now need a new job where ex isn't also employed. So that's not the HK job. Doesn't sound like it's your current job either? So you need to tell both employers you've split up and get job hunting again.

Annasgirl · 23/10/2022 12:37

Perhaps if you had clarified in your opening post that your ex, who is not your sons biological dad, and who had been abusive to him, would now be a teacher in his school in HK, people’s advice would have been clear - you don’t accept the job. But perhaps you didn’t want people to tell you that truth. It’s your son I feel sorry for in all of this

Tsort · 23/10/2022 12:42

Annasgirl · 23/10/2022 12:37

Perhaps if you had clarified in your opening post that your ex, who is not your sons biological dad, and who had been abusive to him, would now be a teacher in his school in HK, people’s advice would have been clear - you don’t accept the job. But perhaps you didn’t want people to tell you that truth. It’s your son I feel sorry for in all of this

Yup.

Tsort · 23/10/2022 12:44

AuntieEntity · 23/10/2022 12:29

Yeah, the daily contact thing is the bit that made me 🤔

Show quote history

Also the stuff about him wanting to adopt her son, who is apparently scared of him. It’s not in the OP, but one of her subsequent comments.

The whole thing is a big nope.

dontputitthere · 23/10/2022 13:03

@tiredofex how you're still here.

I'll be honest this thread has been concerning me.

I think you know this is a bad idea. But if you'd put all the facts in the opening post you wouldn't have got the validation that you want.

Your ex sounds dangerous. He has scared your son. Yet you continue to talk to him daily and are prepared to leave him in charge of your son in his new role.

It concerns me this lack of a break from someone you know is not good for your family. What ties you to him? His threats of blackmail? That's a police matter. Report him. He threatens suicide? Call an ambulance leave him to it.

Knowing all of the facts I find it inconceivable you would even consider this. Especially when you say you're putting your son first.

Why are you still in contact with this abuser?

mansviewpoint · 23/10/2022 14:07

If it were a different country from China (Hong Kong is essentially China) then I'd prehaps think differently, but in my opinion you can't move there. HK was great until around 2010 but in the last 10 years there has been much more of the mainland influence and more to the point your ex could make your life hell out there to such a point that you could end up in prison. He could easily stop you being able to leave the country.

HundredMilesAnHour · 23/10/2022 14:14

mansviewpoint · 23/10/2022 14:07

If it were a different country from China (Hong Kong is essentially China) then I'd prehaps think differently, but in my opinion you can't move there. HK was great until around 2010 but in the last 10 years there has been much more of the mainland influence and more to the point your ex could make your life hell out there to such a point that you could end up in prison. He could easily stop you being able to leave the country.

This is exactly right.

I left HK in 2012 when it was already changing. It has changed (for the worse) much more significantly since then and the majority of expats I know have left (including those who had been there for many years and planned to stay forever). I wouldn't want to move there now, especially not with a child.

Original poster
tiredofex · 23/10/2022 14:15

MsMcGonagall · 23/10/2022 12:30

Sorry OP but no, you have broken up with him, that was the right decision, and your son never needs to see or speak to him again.

You now need a new job where ex isn't also employed. So that's not the HK job. Doesn't sound like it's your current job either? So you need to tell both employers you've split up and get job hunting again.

I won't after this. It's this job or nothing. I think people think that international teaching is easy, it's not. There are absolutely horrendous schools out there and when this school came up with fantastic links to a London school, I knew my son would get a first class education. With the complete shitshow state of the UK at the moment, obviously I'm going to want to take this job and have a better life for ourselves.

In highlight, yes it's a very a bad decision. I know this. But honestly, when people can't even put food into the mouths of their kids, I don't want that life for either of us. I think anyone in my shoes would be gutted about securing an ace job but can't take it.

That's me done with now. I've let the school know and going to look for something completely different.

OP posts:
jsku · 23/10/2022 14:16

@tiredofex
What does your son think about it all?
You mention they talk on the phone and he is OK. Was it more that he didn’t want your Ex as a father figure in your house - but Ok with him at arms length professional environment?

Personally - I’d go with what you think is right for your career and life circumstances.
And if this is the dream career move that would make a big difference on your life - I’d certainly do that. No man should dictate your choices or define the course of your life. Or hold you back.

As to your ex - I think there is too much engagement with him. You don’t need to be conversing with him daily. Neither does your son - why are they talking?

It is quite possible he is just saying he’ll move too - or because he continues to hope for something, as you are maintaining such close contact with him. You need to properly distance yourself.
Secondly - even he he is a teacher in a school your son will be - how much would they actually see each other? Schools in HK are large and there are many teachers. You can always ask the school to not have him as his teacher.

Finally - I’d accept the position and let them know you aren’t together anymore, and in the same email I’d mention that if ex also comes over, for personal reasons you’d prefer your child to not interact with him. And see what they say.

Jewel7 · 23/10/2022 14:16

Personally I had an ex who sounds a bit like yours. I left the country temporarily to get away from him. I would not want to be working in the same company. I would let him go work for the company. You make a fresh start for yourself and your son without his involvement. You do not need this man to be in your life. There must be other companies with other jobs that are amazing to. You say your son would come into contact with him through the job. But he is scared of him. This would be a complete no no for me.

Hawkins001 · 23/10/2022 14:21

You could always rebuild ?

HundredMilesAnHour · 23/10/2022 14:27

With the complete shitshow state of the UK at the moment, obviously I'm going to want to take this job and have a better life for ourselves.

HK is a way bigger shitshow than the UK. And then some. If you don't realise that, it's very foolish of you. People have been leaving HK to move to the UK, including HK locals (BNO passport holders) in droves. Until they locked the entire country down! Seriously OP, you've dodged a bullet here for many reasons.