Scared he'll ruin my only chance of this.

[tiredofex]

Got offered this unbelievable, amazing job in a sector I have only just recently trained in. This job could take my career to new heights, I could save a significant amount and be life-changing for my son who would be coming with me. The job is in Hong Kong. I love the city and have been many times. I'm confident my son would adjust as it's a very expat city with plenty to do and see.

So, what's the problem I hear you ask?! - My ex! He has also applied for a role with this company. We both actually applied together and at the time of being together the company knew this, and very much supported it. We've since broken up (very long story) but the bottom line is I will never get back with him. Never. Ever. I have made this as plain as day to him. I feel so much stronger since we've parted. We still speak everyday on the phone, but he is extremely clingy and I think he is using my son as a way of trying to manipulate me. I really don't want to see him, or at least try my best to eliminate the contact with him now (I know speaking on the phone everyday does not help, but it's been mainly about the job). He has told me that if I don't take the job, he won't either. In the past, he has been abusive, possessive and just not a very nice person.

The truth is though, he helped me secure this job. The application process was tough, and I had to go through several interviews and showcase my skills. He has a ton more experience that I do, and without his help, I know I wouldn't have got it. I am seriously thinking I am not up to it , need to stay in my lane (in a job that is dead-end, not going anywhere and just damn right boring) but it means I can cut him off completely, pay the bills and wait until something else comes up. Although, if I decline this job now, I wouldn't move. My son needs to be stable in his education so, I would need to wait until he is at least 16 and stay put for the time-being.

So WWYD? Take the job, try and stay out of the way of my ex (although that will be challenging as similar department) or completely cut him off, stay where I am and stay rebuilding my life?

That's what I want - a completely fresh start without him. It may not seem like that but I'm speaking to my ex mainly about the position and nothing else.

Regarding other jobs, the issue is, I already moved abroad and taught briefly at an international school and it was awful. The school covered up its horrible reputation and I had to leave. I'm too scared now to look for something else because Tier 1/2 schools are difficult to get into. You need years of experience, a masters etc. The competition is fierce. I knew this school had an excellent reputation and had links with a top British school. I think perhaps the location put people off, and that's why they offered me the position. I think I did perform well however during the interview stage though - gave it everything I had.

I don't think my son is scared of him as such because when they briefly do talk, they are always laughing and joking. It's just that he was quite strict at times and my son felt anxious about that as I'm less strict and it's not what he was used to. My ex says he loves my son dearly, and has never physically touched him (although I know it runs deeper than that).

Anyway, I've decided it's a no-goer. Whatever people think of me on here, I'm just trying to give my son the very best life and that is it. I've already been looking at other things that I can do and know it's not a good idea us working at the same company.

Take the job. They’re very conservative in Hong Kong and when I was there, they weren’t very sympathetic towards MH problems. Confide in someone when you’ve been there that he’s changed and is suffering from MH problems, possibly due to the move. You didn’t feel save moving in with hm because your responsibility is your job and your kid, and you want to stay and build a life for yourself and your son there. Act surprised and hurt if he kicks off and then share a meaningful look with the friend you confused in. Maybe be a little afraid. Imply that he is having a breakdown. I bet it gets back to management.

Your son is the innocent party here.
It's in his best interest to maintain relations with both his mother and father.
The best solution for that is for both parents to live within easy reach of each other and co-parent. You and EX both moving to HK, facilitates that.

If EX moves to HK and you stay in UK for selfish reasons, your son will miss out.

Its up to you and Ex, as responsible parents who love their son, to make the move to HK work for all of you. Maintain civil relations; keep your distance, make your son's life as emotionally calm and comfortable as possible.

The ex isn't his father

The son is scared of him.

I don't think my son is scared of him as such because when they briefly do talk, they are always laughing and joking. It's just that he was quite strict at times and my son felt anxious about that as I'm less strict and it's not what he was used to.

However, many parents in HK are "stricter". It's a very different culture, there is an expectation children will perform creditably both academically and socially; and demonstrate respect to adults. So in HK, your son will not feel singled out; Ex's "stricter" expectations will be more commonly accepted and DS will have that experience in common with many of his peers.

A father he can see regularly, with whom he can laugh and joke is a good teenage experience for your son. Remember, he needs to know the best of his father , because that's DS's primary male role model. He's a boy, he NEEDS male role models, and you can't provide it.

You need to separate your anxiety and low self esteem (from employment history etc) as belonging to you. They do not belong to your son; so don't put them on his shoulders. He is his own person.

The ex is not his father.

The truth is though, he helped me secure this job. The application process was tough, and I had to go through several interviews and showcase my skills. He has a ton more experience that I do, and without his help, I know I wouldn't have got it. I am seriously thinking I am not up to it , need to stay in my lane (in a job that is dead-end, not going anywhere and just damn right boring) but it means I can cut him off completely, pay the bills and wait until something else comes up. Although, if I decline this job now, I wouldn't move. My son needs to be stable in his education so, I would need to wait until he is at least 16 and stay put for the time-being.

Absolute nonsense OP.
He gave you no more help than any decent friend or partner would give.

Your feelings of not being good enough are very likely to be connected with the reasons you have split with him. You don't need to tell us about that, but it's clear - as he made your son anxious & scared - that he's not a good man. Your self-esteem will benefit from having him out of your lives ... & by accepting this amazing new job.

@2bazookas

This man isn't his dad though.

It's his mum's ex, who he is scared of.

Its his mum's ex, who has 'treated him badly in the last year'.

Tell him you've declined the role and will be starting at x comprehensive 128 miles away and it's too painful for you to discuss any further, so will be ending communications.

Take the role, and in the process, explain that you have split due to his behaviour and threats of self harm, etc. Hopefully, he will have declined the role thinking that you've opted to stay where he can control and terrorise you, but if not, perhaps they would withdraw his offer.

It's a brilliant way of getting him out of your life. Try not to tell him you are not accepting for as long as possible.

Look for an amazing job in the UK.

Oh don’t be so dramatic. This isn’t your one and only chance to have a good work opportunity. This man seems a bit odd, your son already has the measure of him and to isolate yourself from your existing support network in Hong Kong where you apparently can’t avoid him, seems spectacularly stupid to me.

Cut the links with this man and look for a different opportunity if you need a change.

I am struggling to understand the recruitment process assuming you are both in education.
International schools often employ couples but if you are no longer a couple you might find accommodation unaffordable and they might well withdraw the offer.
You need to let them know so you can make an informed decision.

Use this experience to secure another teaching job abroad? Another international school in SE Asia? Dubai?